Gravity, Chapter Eleven

[justzoni]

Fandom: UKISS
Rating: PG
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 11/15
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.



Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt.

Morning. That's the first word that comes to me as I let out the customary groan that always accompanies that realization. Reaching out, I try to hit the button to turn the alarm off. My hand strikes wood as I miss. The second time, my aim is better. The shrill buzzing cuts out and all that I'm left with is a quiet room and the sound of my girlfriend snoring next to me.

With the alarm off, it would be all too easy to simply flop back on my pillow and forget the rest of the day. My muscles are protesting, and my eyelids feel heavy, but I can't seem to drift off again. Instead, I just wind up staring up at the ceiling and thinking. It's morning, and after a few moments of consideration, I realize that I'm not actually dreading today. This might be the first time in a long time that I have felt so indifferent about the thought of getting up and going about my day.

The mattress shifts beside me as my girlfriend rolls over and snuggles up against me. Her arm wraps around my waist. Ordinarily, I might roll over and pull her close or something, but the room is too warm today and I just want to get going.

"What time is it?" she asks groggily.

Smiling, I tell her, "About five fifteen."

She lets out a groan that sounds like a snort. Her hold tightens on me for a half second before she rolls away, taking almost all of the blankets with her. "You work too early," are the last words that I hear and then she's snoring again, lost to her dreams.

I have to admit, it's kind of nice to have someone here in the morning. It's not every night or anything like that, but when she's here, I feel just a little bit less confused than usual. Maybe confused is the wrong word. I guess I'm just still getting used to everything that has happened lately. With the new promotions and being friends with Kevin, it's a lot to process. That last part probably shouldn't factor into my thoughts as much as it does, but it's not like there's much I can do about that.

Time to get up and get going. Pushing what few covers are left off of me, I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I've got a lot to do this morning, even though I don't actually have to be anywhere for a couple of hours. Getting to my feet, I stretch and make a mental check-list. It's easy enough, and even easier to go through my morning routine. Shower, shave, fix myself some breakfast. It's only when I'm sitting down at my kitchen table that I finally realize it. This is something that's almost halfway normal.

Normal.

That's a weird word for me. I didn't even think it was in my vocabulary anymore. This is something ordinary and relatively stress free. I used to have this dark cloud hanging over me in the mornings when I had to get ready, had to think about work and how to deal with my friends and the problems I create for myself.

Today, that feeling just isn't there. I feel lighter. I'd like to think that the freedom I feel is a good thing, but I'm so used to the sensation of unease that I'm not really sure. Sitting here at my table, though, and looking over my mail as I drink some coffee, I have to admit that I'm kind of looking forward to starting my day for once. And, you know, there's not really any sense in staying here any longer.

Getting to my feet, I grab a scrap of paper and write a note for my girlfriend. Sticking it on the table, I deposit my mug in the sink and grab the rest of my stuff, heading out the door.

Practice isn't something that I'm dreading, not like before. I mean, I didn't really hate it before, but I didn't look forward to it. No matter what we were working on, it was all tension and uneasiness. We used to work as a team, but sometimes that feeling is strained. Most of that stemmed from the issues that Kevin and I had. Now that we've agreed to be friends, all of that stress seems to be gone. Well, maybe not completely, but I feel more much more comfortable.

They've been changing up our schedules lately, but today vocals comes first. We're still being shuffled in and out of recording rooms and studios based on some particular plan that Soohyun and our manager must have come up with, isn't the escape that it once was for me.

Kevin passes me in the hall after our initial meet-up and schedule discussion. He waves at me, and I barely have the chance to wave back before he gets tugged aside by his vocal coach. It hasn't been long since the two of us talked. Just over a week. Even so, I like the fact that I feel like I can breathe a little easier. Maybe we just needed to sort all of that out and put it behind us. I'm not sure that we're really friends, but we're trying to be something close to it. For now, that's good enough, and I can actually focus on my work.

Work, like the dance routine that we're back to perfecting the instant we're in the practice room. We have other dances to learn, but this is the hardest of the bunch. This one has to be flawless. I'm pretty sure that word has never applied to any of our dances, but I'm not going to be the one to point that out. This one's getting easier, actually. We've got the gist of things, and we're not misstepping as much. Nobody's had their toes stepped on or fallen over in the past couple of days, a vast improvement. My original attempts at the routine looked closer to interpretive dance than the intended choreography.

Knowing that we're all improving has definitely bolstered my mood. When we finish, I'm happy to spend a little time just hanging out with the others for a few minutes while we all cool off. As soon as they kill the music, I make my way over to chat with some of the others. Talking with Kiseop, my thoughts drift back to this morning. Normal. Maybe it's time to get some of my friendships back to normal, too.

"Did you ever find those shoes you were looking for?" I ask him.

Kiseop usually has something he's wanting to add to his wardrobe. His recent obsession is a pair of sneakers that he's mentioned several times. Hearing my question, the small smile disappears from his lips, replaced by a frown. "Almost. There was one store that had them, but they were out of your size."

"Why didn't you just order them?"

Kiseop shakes his head. "Their computers were down."

"That sucks," I tell him. Shoe shopping really isn't my thing, but I can empathize. Ordinarily, I'd suggest he just order them online, but this is Kiseop. He probably prefers the stores. I was kind of interested in the same shoes. "Let me know if you do find a place that has them I need to pick up a pair myself."

At those words, Kiseop perks up. Biting his lip a little, he says, "I'll let you know. If I do, would you maybe like to come with me? It's been a while since we've had a chance to hang out.

He's right. It has been a while. I've been doing it again; getting so caught up in my own problems that I've neglected some of my friends. I can't possibly say no to an invitation like that.

"Of course," I tell him, offering a smile.

Kiseop beams back at me, looking for all the world like I've just made his day. If only it was that easy to make everyone happy, life would be perfect. I'm about to ask if maybe he and the guys want to go out and do something, but he turns away from me to wave at someone else before I can.

"Kevin!" Kiseop is still grinning as Kevin walks up, looking curiously between us. "AJ's going to go shoe shopping with me."

"Really?" Kevin looks amused. I don't think he knows that I shop for shoes. He probably thinks they just materialize in my closet. Sometimes, I kind of think they do, too.

"Whenever we find somewhere that has them in his size," I add, smiling. "Maybe it'll help me get this dance figured out."

At that, Kevin laughs. "You're getting better. We all are."

"It'll be better when we get the final recording finished." Letting out a small sigh, I run a hand through my hair. It's still sweaty. Despite my good mood and how well practice went, I'm definitely ready to be done with this song. "Any idea when we're supposed to be getting that done? I haven't seen the recording schedule since they made those changes last week."

"Next week, I think. That's what I was told yesterday, at least." Kevin seems pretty sure.

Next to me, Kiseop lets out a little cheer. "We're almost finished!"

He's right. As soon as they actually get started with recording the final tracks, everything speeds up. The end is finally in sight, if Kevin's info is accurate. That's another weight off my shoulders.

"Almost," Kevin agrees, smiling at Kiseop. After a moment, however, he turns to look at me. "I actually wanted to ask you a question."

At that, Kiseop gives us a little wave and wanders off, leaving us alone.

Shifting a little, I feel a little bit of that discomfort that I'm used to around Kevin. It's faded. Our agreement to be friends stands, but things are still a little odd. Odd, but getting better.

"What's up?" I hope my response sounds as casual as I'd like it to be.

If Kevin notices my slight uneasiness, it doesn't show. "We'll, even though things are getting better with the dance, I can't help but to notice that you're still having trouble with that one part."

That's a nice way to put it. I kind of figured that once Kevin and I had patched things up, getting through the human-wall section of the dance would be a breeze. I've quickly discovered that whatever problems I might have with Kevin, they have almost no effect on my ability to get through that particular part of the dance. Being close to Kevin isn't nearly as much of an issue as my own lack of coordination.

"Yeah," I admit. "A little."

Kevin shifts his weight to his other foot and it's my turn to wonder if maybe I'm not the only one still adjusting to our new-found friendship. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get in some extra practice," he says. "In our off time. I know that isn't a great solution, but maybe it would be easier when you just have to worry about the section that's throwing you off rather than the whole routine and everybody else."

He wants to get together to practice more? That's a surprise on several levels. For one, we don't really get that much free time to begin with. Even when we're not actually working, we hit the gym or try to catch up on sleep or just relax. Time to ourselves is a valuable commodity, and here he is offering up some of his own to help me out with my issues. Is this an attempt to patch things up further?

"That would be great, but why would you help me out like that?" I ask, arching an eyebrow at him. "Surely you've got better things to do."

Kevin just smiles. "That's what friends are for."

Before I can respond, a loud shout sounds from the end of the room. We both turn, and I can see that Soohyun is waving us over. Automatically, I walk over to join the crowd. We form a semicircle around Soohyun as he pulls some papers out of his bag. It looks like he's been keeping some information from us. I hope it's goodinformation, not just another change to our schedule. There have been too many changes as is.

"Here's hoping that you guys are ready to get things going," Soohyun says, looking over the paper. I get the feeling that he already has them memorized, though. "Because the company's finally announced a definite release date."

Now we're all cheering. Even I'm shouting. It's true that they'd already decided on a release date, but it's been changed twice. A final date means that we really are nearing the end of this part of the process. We might actually get a little room to breathe once things are wrapped up.

"When is it?" Eli asks.

Soohyun shifts a couple more papers in his hands, and I'm starting to suspect that they aren't even work-related so much as something to help him look informed. "Looks like the week after next for final recordings. Video production another six days after that. And we'll be heading out for promotions soon, too. No dates for that, yet, though."

Those cheers from a moment ago turn into a buzz of discussion. Turning to the side, I intercept a high five from Hoon. We've all been busting our butts. It's nice to see all of that hard work finally going somewhere. Sometimes, it's hard to see when we're just sweating away in front of the mirrors and getting stuck in front of microphones to go over the same lines fifty million times.

"All right, all right." Soohyun's voice brings order to the room again. Sort of. "I know the company'll probably throw us a little party or whatever, but it's been a while since we've had a break and I guess we've got a reason to celebrate."

A murmur of agreement goes around the room. Soohyun claps his hands together and continues. "So rather than just doing the thing with the company I was thinking that we might do something at our place the night after tomorrow. Drinks, music--"

"-- please not this song --"

"Eli, shut up. Anyway, just kicking back. We might invite a few friends." Soohyun looks over at Hoon and I'm wondering if he even ran that idea past him. They do live together, after all. Hoon shrugs. With that gesture of semi-approval, Soohyun takes another breath. "So, anyone interested?"

Even though there's a universal murmur of agreement, I'm actually not sure whether or not I want to go. I used to love partying and hanging out with people, but lately I've just not felt like it. I guess it's because of everything else that's going on. I think everybody needs space once and a while. But my friends are excited, and that apartment isn't massive. It's not like they can get too many people in there, so I suppose it couldn't be that chaotic. It might even be fun.

Two days later, and I can safely say that fun is not the word I'd use to describe this get-together. I should have just politely ducked out. There are plenty of places in Seoul to party. This apartment is definitely not the best choice. There's too much and not enough going on all at once. Not really my scene.

Soohyun had said that he might invite a few friends, but there were nearly two dozen people in here that I didn't recognize when I arrived. They've started to thin out in the last hour, but it's been a little overwhelming. I didn't even know that you could fit that many people in here. And, well, you really can't. The air is stuffy, and it smells like sweat and alcohol. Someone has a radio turned up, but I can barely hear it over the television in the living room. People are standing around talking, playing video games, doing whatever. It's loud. It's crowded. It's a mess. I'll be surprised if they don't get complaints from the neighbors.

Clutching my half-empty beer a little tighter, I make my way down the hall to look for some sort of escape. That's wishful thinking, but I find a little space in the spare room. They've made an effort to arrange this into some kind of home studio-slash-gym-thing, but random boxes of stuff, three fishing poles in a corner and something that looks suspiciously like a foam finger tell me that it's just become storage.

Right now, it also looks like it's the best place for Eli to be. The rest of the apartment might be filled with strangers, but I think Eli's enjoying the company. Past a couple of people I recognize from another band, I can see him chatting up three girls. The captivation doesn't last long, however. The girls turn and leave as one, the way girls do sometimes, and he's left standing with a bottle of something that has more alcohol than he has common sense.

Eli glances over at me and gives me a grin. Walking over, he holds up his bottle. "Hey."

"Hey." I hold up my beer in a toast to nothing. "Having fun?"

Glancing at the door, Eli's eyebrows go up and I can guess what he's thinking about. He's the only one of our friends that I'd ever really describe as girl-crazy, even if only once and a while.

"Sure," he says, sounding less enthusiastic than I expect. He looks back at me. "I guess. Who knew they knew how to throw a party, huh?"

I don't really think this is a great party, but I also suspect I haven't had nearly as much to drink as Eli has. Shrugging, I don't really answer. Instead, I turn the subject back to what he was doing. "So, those girls were cute. See anything you liked?"

Eli turns back to look at me, a sloppy smile on his face. He's blushing a little. Or a lot. That's enough of an answer, but he makes an effort to wipe the grin off his face. "Maybe." He tries to look cool as he shrugs, sliding his free hand into his pocket. "They aren't really my type."

My judgement might not be fantastic, but I'm pretty sure that those girls were exactly his type. Though, when he's this loaded, I'm pretty sure that his type extends to just about anything on two feet that isn't bald, and even that last part might be negotiable.

"Not your type?" I ask him, baffled. "Since when?"

Shifting a little, Eli is actually starting to look a little uneasy. "Well, I'm kind of not really looking right now."

The look of unease melts into a shy smile that borders on childish and I realize that I've misjudged him.

"There's someone I'm kinda interested in," he tells me, the words coming out in a rush. "No point in browsing."

Now I'm grinning I had no idea that he had found someone he might actually want to date. Most of his romantic adventures last a single night, or maybe a few weeks due to a lack of interest on his part. Maybe this time, it'll be different. This could be just the thing to help pull him out of the bad mood he's been in for the past few weeks.

Reaching out, I pat his arm. "That's awesome, man. A girlfriend would do you a world of good. What took so long?"

That happy, silly smile vanishes from Eli's face. He pulls his drink back to his lips, frowning when he realizes that it's empty. "I kind of wanted to check with you first," he replies. "I wasn't sure if you'd be, you know, okay with it."

All of the happiness I feel for him freezes, replaced by confusion. Why would he need to check with me? Is he planning to make a move on my girlfriend or something? He can be an idiot, but I don't think he's that much of an ass. Maybe it's just because we're friends and he's drunk. I'm kind of starting to wish I'd had a little more to drink, but I'm still too sober.

"Why would what I think matters?" I ask, trying to clear things up.

Eli looks around the room in a way that makes me think he's glad we've got a little privacy. He swallows hard. Then, he says, "It's Kevin."

There's a short, swift stab of pain in my chest as my mind goes completely blank at the name. Surely he didn't say Kevin. Clearly, I heard him wrong.

"What?"

Eli blinks slowly. It looks like the alcohol is finally starting to hit him. He sways a little. "I've just been... thinking about maybe asking him out. Or something, like dinner or a movie or, well, I don't know. Drinks are probably out." He pauses, like he's trying to figure out what else he wanted to say. "I didn't realize how much I, uh, missed him." Another pause, too much time for the words to sink in. "And there was that thing with you two so I figured I should... ask. I think. See if you'd be okay with it."

Nausea swirls in my stomach for reasons I don't want to address. That feeling is mixing with the little stab of pain I felt, and they're quickly turning into a measure of anger that I know I shouldn't be feeling. There are a lot of thoughts running through my head right now, and I will ignore all of them. Those feelings aren't my business. Not anymore. They need to be long gone. I'm gritting my teeth against my own emotional response.

Instead, I try to look at this logically. I know that Eli could really use someone in his life. If this is what he wants to do, there's no reason to stop him. No reason at all.

"Whatever you want to do," I tell him. The words sound fake even to my ears, but I doubt he'll notice. He probably won't even notice how shaky they are. "Why wouldn't I be okay with it?"

Eli looks up at me with that sad little hopeful puppy look he gets sometimes, the one he gets when someone tells him that he can have something he thought was out of reach. I used to like that look. Right now, it's kind of pissing me off.

"Well," he says slowly, "you know, you and Kevin..."

"Doesn't matter." Those two words take a surprising amount of effort. It takes all of my good intentions to finish the statement that I know I need to give. "You should do what you want."

Before Eli can respond, I turn on my heels and walk out of the room. I can't take any more of that conversation. I can't take any more of any of this. Not tonight. This is a miserable party, right now I'm up to my neck in the realization that I never should have come. It's time to make my exit.

Pausing outside of the room I just left, out of Eli's line of sight, I chug the rest of the beer and toss the cup into a random trash can. Somehow, during that brief conversation I had with Eli, almost everyone seems to have left. I can hear some chatter from the direction of the kitchen, but the apartment is much quieter than it was before. There aren't people milling about anymore.

For a moment, I consider tracking down Soohyun and saying my good-byes. However, after a second, I decide against it. I won't be missed. I'm not even sure if they know I'm here. I haven't seen Soohyun since I got here, and Hoon's been missing in action for over an hour. I'll just go sort myself out somewhere else. I can tell myself that the shitty party is the reason, but I know that my own troubled thoughts over Eli's admission are the real reason that I'm leaving. I need some space.

What Eli said pissed me off. It pissed me off and he was asking so he wouldn't piss me off. Somehow, that only makes me even more irritated. Why should he ask me something like that? Why would he think he even needed to? I'd like to blame it on the alcohol, but it sounds like he's been thinking about it for a lot longer than just tonight.

Eli and I are friends, sure, but I don't care who he dates. It's not like it's my business. I mean, I've got my girlfriend. I'm out of the running. It's not like Kevin and I are together. We're not involved, not at all, and we're friends. Just friends. I'm happy. I'm content. I like my life. I want my friends to be happy, too, so he shouldn't have to ask me. It doesn't make any sense. And at the same time, it makes way too much sense for me to think about clearly.

Letting out a groan, I head for the coat rack and the door. I am completely done with today. My escape plan goes haywire about four steps into the living room. I'm nearly sent sprawling, cursing as I trip over something, barely catching myself against the couch. Looking down to see what I tripped over, I quickly realize that it wasn't a thing. It was a person, some drunk guy who fell asleep behind the couch. They're blocking half the corridor.

And then I look at their face. "Fuck."

Of all the people it could have been, it just had to be Kevin. He's completely passed out. I couldn't even see him in the darkness, but I need to make sure that he's okay. Squatting down, I can already see the problem. Loosely grasped in one hand, there's a mostly empty glass bottle. Goddamn Hoon. He knows better than to let Kevin drink too much, and I'm damn sure he's the one who gave him that.

With a sigh, I reach out and shake Kevin's shoulder. "Hey. Wake up. You okay?"

"Mmmmflicklyberm."

Or at least that's what his response sounds like. He isn't really awake, and I can't just leave him here in the middle of the floor. Someone else will run him over or something. Taking a deep breath, I make my decision. I have to move him. Repositioning myself next to him, I pull his arm awkwardly around my neck and slide my own arm around his back. Bending my knees, I try to stand up and pull him with me.

"Come on, Kevin," I murmur. "Let's just get you somewhere safe."

"Unnnn." Sure. That's a great response, especially when it's accompanied by him sliding jelly-like down my side and back onto the floor, sliding right out of my grip. A second attempt is worse - he manages to drool on my shirt the entire way down.

Disgusted and a little concerned, I give in to the only other option available to me. Sliding one arm under his knees and the other around his shoulders, I heft him up bridal-style. He's definitely gained weight. I probably shouldn't tell him that. For now, I just need to get him off the party highway.

Peeking over the back of the couch, I look to see if I can put him down on the cushions. Unfortunately, someone has already claimed that space, and it doesn't look like they'll be moving any time soon. Letting out another sigh, I head towards the sound of talking that I heard a few minutes ago in the kitchen. Rounding the corner, I can see Hoon and Kiseop chatting with one of our photographer friends.

"Hey, Hoon," I say, trying to catch their attention. All three of them turn to look at me, and three sets of eyebrows go up. I can feel myself blushing slightly as I realize that this probably isn't helping whatever talk there might have been about anything that might or might not have happened between Kevin and I. "I found him passed out on the floor. Is there anywhere I can put him?"

Kiseop looks us over. "Why don't you just take him home?"

"I'm not up for driving that far out of my way." And I don't think his mom would appreciate him showing up like this. Not even slightly.

"Just stick him in the bedroom," Hoon says, shrugging.

I'm kind of suspicious, because I don't see Soohyun anywhere and I really don't want to walk into that bedroom to find it previously occupied. It's kind of hard to think like that, though, when Kevin murmurs and settles closer to my chest.

"You sure?" I ask. "If Soohyun is sleeping--"

Hoon just smiles, a little too mischievously for my comfort. I think he's close to laughing. "Don't worry. He went out a little earlier."

So he abandoned his own party. Tonight is going fantastic, but at least I have a place to stick Kevin. Nodding, I mutter, "Thanks."

Kevin shifts against my chest, getting comfortable in my arms. He's drooling liberally on my shirt as I walk back towards the bedroom. I sincerely hope that none of the party guests decided to make use of the bedroom for anything during the evening. Walking in on Soohyun is the least of my worries considering some of the other people I saw.

When I reach the door to the room, I'm presented with worse problems. Like, say, trying to figure out how to juggle Kevin and open the door without dropping him. Though, at this point, that might improve the situation. Then he might wake up and I wouldn't have to carry him. As soon as the thought registers, I regret it. He and I might have our issues, but that doesn't mean I have to think like an asshole. He doesn't deserve that.

With some miracle of gymnastics, I manage to get the door open. No one else has found the bedroom first; it's completely empty. Using an elbow to flip on the light, a quick glance around the room tells me that I should have kept the lights off. I really didn't need to notice some of the things they've got lying around their room.

"Shop." Kevin's quiet, blurry voice distracts me from my thoughts. It's amazing how easily he can still get my attention. He's apparently awake.

"Shop?" I ask, confused. A little of that irritation I felt earlier is starting to drain away, though. Sometimes, he puts me at ease. Apparently, his being completely hammered is one of those times. I can examine the messed up reasons for that later. Right now, I just need to get him set down somewhere.

"You're here." He mumbles my name and I suddenly realize that he was trying to say my name. Jaeseop. He's awake enough to know that I'm the one carrying him. "That's good."

That's definitely my sign to put him down. He can pass out again and I can get out of here. Making my way towards the bed, I set him down on one side as easily as possible. He makes the task harder than it has to be, squirming like he doesn't want to be put down. That little warmth of him against me almost makes me want to sit down next to him. I really need to get out of here. Right after I make sure that he's not going to choke on his own vomit or something.

Settling him onto the blanket, I grab a pillow and shove it under his head. "Are you okay, Kevin?"

"I am fine-tastic," he declares. He giggles quietly like he's just said something incredibly funny. Then, he gives me a smile. Not one of those pretty, charming smiles everyone adores. This one is silly and shameless.

"What happened?" he asks sloppily.

"We're at a party," I tell him. There's no point, really, but it's kind of nice to talk to him like this. Outside of work, I mean, where the conversations are stiff and nothing actually feels like talking. He said we're friends. In theory, we should be able to talk normally. Easily. I wish that was true. "You really shouldn't drink so much, you know."

There are apparently too many words in that sentence for him to comprehend. His brows knit together, making his forehead wrinkle. Finally, he puzzles out what I said. He asks, "Why not?"

"Because I wind up having to carry you so you don't get run over," I reply. Reaching out, I flick his forehead. He lets out a protest, swatting at my hand and missing by at least six inches.

"That's okay," he tells me, mumbling happily as his words slide together. He yawns, and I think he's starting to lose the battle with alcohol-induced sleep. He looks surprisingly appealing like this, all tired and carefree. Even with the drool. "You can carry me if you want," he tells me. "I like it when you take care of me."

The breath catches in my throat at those words. I can feel a prickle of chills sliding down my spine. Of all the sentences that he could have not-butchered, why did that one have to get through?

The discomfort that I felt while talking to Eli has returned, this time doubled. I can feel that little piece of pain in my chest again, causing something like panic. Panic might be the wrong word. This is more like the need to not feel. I feel like I'm underwater, unable to swim or hear or breathe. All of my little thoughts tonight are pointless. The happy ones, the ones I hate, the small pieces of want that I've been trying to ignore. None of them matter. And I wish I could forget all of them. Kevin is drunk. He's probably just talking to a friend, to someone he cares about like anyone else, but it's hard for me to hear it like that. Somehow, he's just said too much.

I really need to leave.

Grabbing a blanket and praying that it's clean, I do my best to tuck it around him so that he won't get cold. He's starting to sing softly, the notes of some song I vaguely recognize drifting into the air. He likes it that I take care of him, but that's not what I'm supposed to do. At least, not like this. I'm just his friend. That's all. And we're barely that.

"Get some rest," I tell him, getting to my feet. I wipe both hands on my pants, trying to get the feeling of him out of my fingers and arms. When I get home, I need to change my shirt.

Staring determinedly ahead, I walk towards the door of the room. I stop when I hear Kevin talking behind me. I can't make out the words over the sound of the blood rushing in my ears. It's only the sound of his murmuring my name that stops me, making me wonder if he needs help.

Turning around just enough to see him, I say, "I'm still here. What's up?"

On the bed, Kevin flops awkwardly and mutters my name again, frowning in the dimness. Even if he answers me, I won't be able to hear him from here. With a sigh, I give up and walk over to the bed. "Do you need a trash can or something?" I ask.

Squirming, Kevin shakes his head, pressing his face into the pillow. He gropes around on the covers, obviously looking for something. His shirt has worked its way up so that it's covering part of his face. When I reach out to tug it down and stop him from suffocating himself, his fingers wrap around my wrist and the frustration on his face melts into the smallest of smiles. Something about that look just makes all of the discomfort I'm feeling churn even harder in my stomach. I want to walk away. I want to walk away so badly, but I can't.

"You left," he whispers. I can barely make out the words, but I can't bring myself to lean closer so that I can hear better.

"I didn't leave, Kevin," I reply, unable to find another response. "I'm right here, like I said. So, do you need a trash can or something?"

Kevin shakes his head, but somehow I don't think he's really hearing me. I'm not even sure he's actually awake. He takes a shaky breath, and his voice is just loud enough to reach my ears. "Miss you."

I'm not sure I heard him right. "What?"

"You left," he repeats, and all of the silliness from earlier is gone. He almost sounds ready to cry. "Flew away, and didn't even... Still so far away, barely even... I miss... my..."

The sentences are broken and slurred together, most of his small declaration coming out as a single word. That's still enough to send chills down my back. What is he saying?

The words are soft, but his face is troubled and dark. He's not the beautiful creature most people think he is. Not right now. Trying to process his words and seeing him like this does nothing to help that uncanny feeling I have that I need to leave. This isn't about helping him out anymore. I think this is starting to turn into something else entirely.

"I'm going to leave now," I tell him. "You really need to sleep it off."

I move to get to my feet only to find that Kevin's fingers are still wrapped around my wrist. I had almost forgotten that he had a hold of me.

"Kevin, let go."

"I still love you." The broken, tipsy words cut me almost as much as the feel of his hand tightening on my wrist, trying to pull me closer. They're the clearest thing he has said all evening, and for a split second, I think he actually means it. He can't mean it.

"So much," he continues, these words indistinct against the pillow he has turned to shove his face into. "And I don't... understand..."

The words turn into a snore and Kevin's hand falls lax around my wrist. He rolls onto his back, flinging the pillow away. All that I can do is stare. My heart feels like it's pounding through the roof and yet not beating at all, all at once.

Pulling my hand out of his grip, I turn and walk to the door. I have to leave. I have to find somewhere that I can breathe. All thoughts of trash cans and bad parties and everything else is long forgotten. As quickly as I can, I find my way to the front door, barely managing to wave at the hosts as I grab my coat and shoes and nearly run through the corridors and out onto the side walk.

I can't do this. Any of it. I can't even think about this. I've been pushing Kevin away. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I've pushed him away, kept him at a distance. Him, and all the thoughts, memories and emotions that go with him. He asked to be friends. I can do that. But I can't do that if any of what he just said is true.

I've fought so hard to get my life turned right-side up. Why is it that I can never seem to manage it? Every time I think that I've got things going in the right direction, something happens. He happens. He just comes in and shakes everything up, ruining everything. Making me rethink everything.

A few hours ago, I was bored and slightly irritated. Right now, I feel shattered from the inside out. This morning, I thought I was back to something normal. Now, I'm not sure normal exists.