(no subject)
i'm listening to a sublime song right now where clips of police calls are interjected throughout the song, and i realized that they're really sending out a powerful message in this song. i hated the song until now, but i'll have to re-evaluate my opinion of it.
this whole fiasco with adam has made me realize that i've been neglecting myself. i'm not happy where i am right now. literally, i'm sick of living here and doing the same thing everyday. i haven't been taking care of myself. i've been doing really, really stupid things lately. things that could fucking ruin my life forever. but i'm overrun with apathy. my life is definitely going down a road i don't want it to. i think when i move back home for the summer things will start to shape up. i hope it's not too late by then. but i just feel like being here will prohibit me from benefiting myself, this endangering lifestyle is too dominant here, i can't get away from it. i'm alarmed at my lack of self confidence, this entire time with adam has been destroying it. i'm not saying it's his fault or anything. i have no confidence. it's like i've waken up from a coma i was in this whole time, and i'm looking around for the first time in a year and nine months. and it's not pretty. i feel terrible about myself. i feel so absolutely horrible about myself. i need to take time to build myself back up. adam is like a black light in my life, he's not good for me, but right now it's the only light i have. er, was. i have myself. the thing about adam is that he shares my pain, not in an understanding way, but he literally helps me bear a lot of pain i have. the day after being raped he was going to go back to NC, but i was like what? i need you! and he stayed and went through everything i did. he sat there when i gave my statement to the police, he was at the hospital with me, he went and bought me clothes when they took mine for evidence, he was right there when i told my parents, waiting in the truck in the driveway as i told them. driving back and forth from oswego to cato to ithaca to lansing and back to cato and oswego. he literally took a large portion of my pain for me. it was like i was overwhelmed with fear and anger and hate and unbelievable sadness, and he literally took part of it so i could deal with it. being raped formed a very strange relationship between the two of us, it connected us in a deep, unspoken way. it's still there, underneath all the agony and confusion that surrounds everything else. it's really difficult to walk away from that. i really believe i wouldn't be able to get through being raped without him. he said last night that sometimes when he thinks about me he just feels so sad because of what i've been through. not just a sadness, but a deep, aching, no way to resolve it kind of melancholy. he said that i'm stunning and radiant, but he sees that horrible pain when he looks at me. i hope it's not that obvious. maybe i should see a counselor. time for homework.
this whole fiasco with adam has made me realize that i've been neglecting myself. i'm not happy where i am right now. literally, i'm sick of living here and doing the same thing everyday. i haven't been taking care of myself. i've been doing really, really stupid things lately. things that could fucking ruin my life forever. but i'm overrun with apathy. my life is definitely going down a road i don't want it to. i think when i move back home for the summer things will start to shape up. i hope it's not too late by then. but i just feel like being here will prohibit me from benefiting myself, this endangering lifestyle is too dominant here, i can't get away from it. i'm alarmed at my lack of self confidence, this entire time with adam has been destroying it. i'm not saying it's his fault or anything. i have no confidence. it's like i've waken up from a coma i was in this whole time, and i'm looking around for the first time in a year and nine months. and it's not pretty. i feel terrible about myself. i feel so absolutely horrible about myself. i need to take time to build myself back up. adam is like a black light in my life, he's not good for me, but right now it's the only light i have. er, was. i have myself. the thing about adam is that he shares my pain, not in an understanding way, but he literally helps me bear a lot of pain i have. the day after being raped he was going to go back to NC, but i was like what? i need you! and he stayed and went through everything i did. he sat there when i gave my statement to the police, he was at the hospital with me, he went and bought me clothes when they took mine for evidence, he was right there when i told my parents, waiting in the truck in the driveway as i told them. driving back and forth from oswego to cato to ithaca to lansing and back to cato and oswego. he literally took a large portion of my pain for me. it was like i was overwhelmed with fear and anger and hate and unbelievable sadness, and he literally took part of it so i could deal with it. being raped formed a very strange relationship between the two of us, it connected us in a deep, unspoken way. it's still there, underneath all the agony and confusion that surrounds everything else. it's really difficult to walk away from that. i really believe i wouldn't be able to get through being raped without him. he said last night that sometimes when he thinks about me he just feels so sad because of what i've been through. not just a sadness, but a deep, aching, no way to resolve it kind of melancholy. he said that i'm stunning and radiant, but he sees that horrible pain when he looks at me. i hope it's not that obvious. maybe i should see a counselor. time for homework.