(no subject)
so, this week has thusfar been HELL. i have about 904345 papers and assignments and presentations due until the end of april really. and now adam isn't talking to me, possibly with jan or another girl, or whatever. then i had to deal with scott's neurotic girlfriend sending me messages on myspace. so i called scott yesterday to tell him and his girlfriend to fuck off, and if either of them talks to me again i'll go to the cops to start documenting all the im's and shit his gf has been sending me. then there's the fact that i can't complete my study abroad application because UB fucked me over, once again, with my billing. and the app. deadline is the 15th.
but...
today has been a great day, and things are working themselves out. scott's girlfriend sent me another message via myspace, and scott sent me an offline IM apologizing. i talked to my mom today and the study abroad application dilemma came up in conversation, and my mom offered to lend me the $1000 to clear their delay in billing so i can send my transcript. i still have no idea what's going on with adam, but i am so relieved by the resolution of the other situations that i feel like my stress has at least reached a tolerable level. i don't expect it to last, because my life is just a roller coaster ride of phases in which everything in my life turns on me and beats me down until i feel i can be kicked no lower. and then things resolve themselves, and the next beating seems to be worse than its predecessor. god hates me, it's true. i've become bitter at my happiness because it's just so fucking hard to keep picking myself back up. and that's why i'm thinking it's for the best if adam and i don't talk anymore anyways. except yesterday i thought, oh my god, what if something horrible happened to adam? and for the first time my anger and annoyance disappeared, and i was so worried about him. my heart (my literal heart, not the romantic idea of a heart) actually hurts from the amount of stress i've been under. i'm still worried about him, and i'm so fucking angry right now that it seems for every good thing in my life, i'm punished for it tenfold. and i'm fucking angry. and i've been thinking so much lately about religion and god, specifically organized religion, and i fucking hate god. don't get me wrong, i love my understanding of 'god,' but i fucking hate the christian/catholic god who is selfish and hypocritical and sends people to burn for eternity in hell. and i'm not scared to say fuck him, and fuck any god society chooses to threaten my soul with. i'm just so fucking angry right now for all the fucking bullshit that just never stops. the whole thing with scott especially has pushed me to the point of being infuriated, and despite his apology i cannot deny the fact that fucking shit like this will never end. i'm fucking enraged about being raped and the police's response, and everyday i think about those two things, and i fucking hate society, i fucking hate god, i fucking hate people and i fucking hate everything. i fucking hate adam. i am so full of hate, and the thing is, i don't care. i believe my hate is justified, and i admit that. i've been watching myself become confined to certain emotions, and i've become dead inside towards people. and i've become so bitter, so angry, so hateful and fearful of figures of authority. i always find myself thinking, fuck them (people in general), what the fuck will they ever know? they don't fucking know shit. they don't know shit about pain or fear. as if my fucking experience is so uncommon and special. i keep telling myself i'm overdramatic about these things. so what if i was raped? so what if police are corrupt and don't do their job? so what if adam just decides to stop talking to me for no reason i'm aware of? so fucking what anything.
i'm reading 'monster' right now, and it's amazing. i think it's really reaching my levels of raw hate and anger, and showing me a different way of applying them to everyday life. it's definitely making me see death in a new way, and at the same time confirming that i am not afraid to die. let me die, what the fuck do i care. i relate a lot to the main character, who is actually a gang member, because he shares my feelings of apathy regarding death. and for other reasons. but, i have much homework to get back to.
but...
today has been a great day, and things are working themselves out. scott's girlfriend sent me another message via myspace, and scott sent me an offline IM apologizing. i talked to my mom today and the study abroad application dilemma came up in conversation, and my mom offered to lend me the $1000 to clear their delay in billing so i can send my transcript. i still have no idea what's going on with adam, but i am so relieved by the resolution of the other situations that i feel like my stress has at least reached a tolerable level. i don't expect it to last, because my life is just a roller coaster ride of phases in which everything in my life turns on me and beats me down until i feel i can be kicked no lower. and then things resolve themselves, and the next beating seems to be worse than its predecessor. god hates me, it's true. i've become bitter at my happiness because it's just so fucking hard to keep picking myself back up. and that's why i'm thinking it's for the best if adam and i don't talk anymore anyways. except yesterday i thought, oh my god, what if something horrible happened to adam? and for the first time my anger and annoyance disappeared, and i was so worried about him. my heart (my literal heart, not the romantic idea of a heart) actually hurts from the amount of stress i've been under. i'm still worried about him, and i'm so fucking angry right now that it seems for every good thing in my life, i'm punished for it tenfold. and i'm fucking angry. and i've been thinking so much lately about religion and god, specifically organized religion, and i fucking hate god. don't get me wrong, i love my understanding of 'god,' but i fucking hate the christian/catholic god who is selfish and hypocritical and sends people to burn for eternity in hell. and i'm not scared to say fuck him, and fuck any god society chooses to threaten my soul with. i'm just so fucking angry right now for all the fucking bullshit that just never stops. the whole thing with scott especially has pushed me to the point of being infuriated, and despite his apology i cannot deny the fact that fucking shit like this will never end. i'm fucking enraged about being raped and the police's response, and everyday i think about those two things, and i fucking hate society, i fucking hate god, i fucking hate people and i fucking hate everything. i fucking hate adam. i am so full of hate, and the thing is, i don't care. i believe my hate is justified, and i admit that. i've been watching myself become confined to certain emotions, and i've become dead inside towards people. and i've become so bitter, so angry, so hateful and fearful of figures of authority. i always find myself thinking, fuck them (people in general), what the fuck will they ever know? they don't fucking know shit. they don't know shit about pain or fear. as if my fucking experience is so uncommon and special. i keep telling myself i'm overdramatic about these things. so what if i was raped? so what if police are corrupt and don't do their job? so what if adam just decides to stop talking to me for no reason i'm aware of? so fucking what anything.
i'm reading 'monster' right now, and it's amazing. i think it's really reaching my levels of raw hate and anger, and showing me a different way of applying them to everyday life. it's definitely making me see death in a new way, and at the same time confirming that i am not afraid to die. let me die, what the fuck do i care. i relate a lot to the main character, who is actually a gang member, because he shares my feelings of apathy regarding death. and for other reasons. but, i have much homework to get back to.