one week ago today
I got engaged to an amazing man. And there is no misunderstanding between us, which cannot necessarily be said for any other relationship I have. But this is the one that matters most.
There was some strangeness and anxiety leading up to the day. However, I stayed true to myself am therefore not ashamed and refuse to be.
I love Jordan so much. I have doubted at times that he loved me but that is no longer an issue and hasn't been for quite some time. With the realization that he had been thinking about and planning a proposal since July 2009, my worries, suspicions, guesses and wonders have all been confirmed (another reason I refuse to be ashamed of anything). I mistook some signs (trying to keep the surprise a secret) for disinterest and dishonesty. This is no one's fault, really, but if someone must be blamed then I will happily carry the burden. Long story short, he tricked me. And it was wonderful. I had a couple of sleepless nights and one particularly sad backup plan because things were not making sense, but that's okay and those days are over. I'm not apologizing for anything- I was confused, but I remained true to myself. I'm proud of that, and proud that my senses did indeed pick up the undercurrents of secrecy and planning and forced aloofness, even if the outcome was more joyous than I would let myself hope. If I have ANY regret it's just that- that I assumed the worst. This only effects me and yet somehow I was guilt-ed for it, which is unfortunate. Everything is now as it should be. I am happy, the puzzle pieces all fit together, there is no cause for alarm and there are no relationship troubles. Any that may have existed at one time or another were merely for show (yes, I wish I had known, but is it such a horrible thing that I didn't?) and we are so, so, so happy together. No more secrets (even good ones), no more wondering, no more second guessing. It's all out in the open- he loves me and he has for two years. He had been thinking of how to ask me to marry him since we visited Washington in July, and the conflicting signs I picked up on of him planning it out and him trying to keep it a secret had been driving me a little crazy the last few months, especially since some major hint-dropping by his friends. But- no harm done and all is well. I am happy, he is happy... that is all that matters.
So I had been looking at dresses and thinking of color schemes and jotting down ideas... Because I knew it was coming. So I had been sad and frustrated and confused and ranting on occasion- because signs that it was not coming anytime soon were thrown my way. Again, I did no wrong, I wrote about the signs I saw and the feelings they gave me, and I couldn't be more happy that the fears were wrong and the ranting was for nothing. I can laugh about it now and I hope everyone else can, too...
I'm still a little sad that I was called out for following my heart. When you think someone you love is lying to you, and about such a huge thing as marriage... well, obsessed is the least of the words I would use to describe my state of mind. I was scared and hurt, which I believe is perfectly understandable. And I'm a little sad, because I pride myself on clarity, that my concerns about getting conflicting information were mistook for being obsessed with getting married. This is the saddest part for me. And the timing and the unasked for advice, to Jordan as well as to myself... To Jordan without waiting for a response from me, which I could not have given since it was our anniversary.... I could go on and on and ON AND ON and still not fully describe what awful, horrible, bad timing it was. To be reading the first few lines of that message while watching the sunset on Mount Bonnell on my 2-year anniversary, literally MINUTES from getting engaged.... It was gut-wrenching, and I couldn't even read the rest of the message until days later. I was so upset, and could not show it. I got sick to my stomach. And for Jordan to go through the same thing, completely undeserved, out of nowhere... Tactless. Thoughtless. So, so hurtful. What a difference one more or one less day would have made. What a difference 5 more minutes of though would have made. It IS helped slightly by the fact that it was coming from a place of genuine concern. But that concern was so mis-guided, and close attention paid to my REAL worries, instead of reading between the lines to come to another conclusion, would have saved me so much heartache.
Still the happiest day of my life, amazingly, despite that. But that gut-wrenching moment of heartache will always be a part of my memories of that day. It can never be erased.
I'm sorry if this hurts to read. It hurt to write.
There was some strangeness and anxiety leading up to the day. However, I stayed true to myself am therefore not ashamed and refuse to be.
I love Jordan so much. I have doubted at times that he loved me but that is no longer an issue and hasn't been for quite some time. With the realization that he had been thinking about and planning a proposal since July 2009, my worries, suspicions, guesses and wonders have all been confirmed (another reason I refuse to be ashamed of anything). I mistook some signs (trying to keep the surprise a secret) for disinterest and dishonesty. This is no one's fault, really, but if someone must be blamed then I will happily carry the burden. Long story short, he tricked me. And it was wonderful. I had a couple of sleepless nights and one particularly sad backup plan because things were not making sense, but that's okay and those days are over. I'm not apologizing for anything- I was confused, but I remained true to myself. I'm proud of that, and proud that my senses did indeed pick up the undercurrents of secrecy and planning and forced aloofness, even if the outcome was more joyous than I would let myself hope. If I have ANY regret it's just that- that I assumed the worst. This only effects me and yet somehow I was guilt-ed for it, which is unfortunate. Everything is now as it should be. I am happy, the puzzle pieces all fit together, there is no cause for alarm and there are no relationship troubles. Any that may have existed at one time or another were merely for show (yes, I wish I had known, but is it such a horrible thing that I didn't?) and we are so, so, so happy together. No more secrets (even good ones), no more wondering, no more second guessing. It's all out in the open- he loves me and he has for two years. He had been thinking of how to ask me to marry him since we visited Washington in July, and the conflicting signs I picked up on of him planning it out and him trying to keep it a secret had been driving me a little crazy the last few months, especially since some major hint-dropping by his friends. But- no harm done and all is well. I am happy, he is happy... that is all that matters.
So I had been looking at dresses and thinking of color schemes and jotting down ideas... Because I knew it was coming. So I had been sad and frustrated and confused and ranting on occasion- because signs that it was not coming anytime soon were thrown my way. Again, I did no wrong, I wrote about the signs I saw and the feelings they gave me, and I couldn't be more happy that the fears were wrong and the ranting was for nothing. I can laugh about it now and I hope everyone else can, too...
I'm still a little sad that I was called out for following my heart. When you think someone you love is lying to you, and about such a huge thing as marriage... well, obsessed is the least of the words I would use to describe my state of mind. I was scared and hurt, which I believe is perfectly understandable. And I'm a little sad, because I pride myself on clarity, that my concerns about getting conflicting information were mistook for being obsessed with getting married. This is the saddest part for me. And the timing and the unasked for advice, to Jordan as well as to myself... To Jordan without waiting for a response from me, which I could not have given since it was our anniversary.... I could go on and on and ON AND ON and still not fully describe what awful, horrible, bad timing it was. To be reading the first few lines of that message while watching the sunset on Mount Bonnell on my 2-year anniversary, literally MINUTES from getting engaged.... It was gut-wrenching, and I couldn't even read the rest of the message until days later. I was so upset, and could not show it. I got sick to my stomach. And for Jordan to go through the same thing, completely undeserved, out of nowhere... Tactless. Thoughtless. So, so hurtful. What a difference one more or one less day would have made. What a difference 5 more minutes of though would have made. It IS helped slightly by the fact that it was coming from a place of genuine concern. But that concern was so mis-guided, and close attention paid to my REAL worries, instead of reading between the lines to come to another conclusion, would have saved me so much heartache.
Still the happiest day of my life, amazingly, despite that. But that gut-wrenching moment of heartache will always be a part of my memories of that day. It can never be erased.
I'm sorry if this hurts to read. It hurt to write.