yesterday, health reform passed the house
Incomplete, yes, but a huge victory nonetheless.
And leave it to me to be barely uplifted by it.
There is so much else going on in my life worth worrying over right now, I just cannot find the energy to be excited over a bill that won't even help me right away. I am glad we have it, but right now I can only think of it as something that didn't not end up on my "for fuck's sake" list. I guess I don't really have a "yay" list at the moment, and I'm just trying to be grateful that this is one less thing I have to be pissed off about.
Money problems take the joy out of wedding planning. And if there is no joy in planning a wedding, what is the point of having a celebration? And when you have so looked forward to having a celebration, how can you then find happiness in other, demure plans?
All I ask (and I will tell anyone this, as I have been telling everyone) is for the people I want to be present, to be present, and to give them a reception worth flying across the country for. Nothing elaborate, nothing over the top (and to be honest I am tried of feeling like I have to defend my already as-cheap-as-possible plans!!!)... Actually, just the bare minimum will do, that being a meal and music after watching the ceremony. But even that, in our current situation, is impossible. If it were just one thing standing in the way it would be easier to deal with. But as it stands, there are 10 or more things standing in the way. And knowing that any one of those things being gone would make this wedding possible puts me in agony, because they are all out of my control. And those whose control those things are under have seemingly no interest in resolving their respective issues. Or if they do have interest in resolving them, refuse to take the necessary steps to resolve them and put us both at ease.
And how do you explain yourself to the people who tell you that all that matters is who you marry and that you do, when you don't at all agree? It's true that those are the things that matter the most, but it is FAR from true that they are "all" that matter. SO, SO far from the truth. And I get this both from people who have been married and from those who haven't. Again, I feel like I have to defend myself and my plans (us and our plans) against these people. TO EACH HIS OWN. It's easy for the girl who had her entire wedding paid for by her parents and in-laws that all that matters is knowing you have found "the one," but I would be a lot more ready to find comfort in that had she actually, for even a moment, had to face the prospect of getting married in a courthouse with none of her own family with her and no real celebration. And it might be of more comfort if I was so out of reach of my bare minimum wedding that I had never dared to dream of it in the first place. But for me, it is so close to being possible... And still, impossible. That changes things considerably, in a way that no one but me and others who have been in my situation can begin to understand. There is absolutely NO COMFORT WHATSOEVER in hearing "When it comes down to it, all that matters is that you're marrying Jordan. Nothing else will seem important on that day," or other variations of the same basic idea. But without fail, explaining this only offends people. Which in itself is ridiculous. That someone should be offended that I want for myself and care about in different proportions things that they don't want for me on a day that, by definition, is ALL ABOUT ME AND JORDAN AND NOT AT ALL ABOUT THEM, blows my mind.
But then again, so does the meanness of people who you thought, on some level, loved you, or at the very least respected you. And so does the willful ignorance the masses are capable of. And so does the complexity and frustration of planning a wedding.
And leave it to me to be barely uplifted by it.
There is so much else going on in my life worth worrying over right now, I just cannot find the energy to be excited over a bill that won't even help me right away. I am glad we have it, but right now I can only think of it as something that didn't not end up on my "for fuck's sake" list. I guess I don't really have a "yay" list at the moment, and I'm just trying to be grateful that this is one less thing I have to be pissed off about.
Money problems take the joy out of wedding planning. And if there is no joy in planning a wedding, what is the point of having a celebration? And when you have so looked forward to having a celebration, how can you then find happiness in other, demure plans?
All I ask (and I will tell anyone this, as I have been telling everyone) is for the people I want to be present, to be present, and to give them a reception worth flying across the country for. Nothing elaborate, nothing over the top (and to be honest I am tried of feeling like I have to defend my already as-cheap-as-possible plans!!!)... Actually, just the bare minimum will do, that being a meal and music after watching the ceremony. But even that, in our current situation, is impossible. If it were just one thing standing in the way it would be easier to deal with. But as it stands, there are 10 or more things standing in the way. And knowing that any one of those things being gone would make this wedding possible puts me in agony, because they are all out of my control. And those whose control those things are under have seemingly no interest in resolving their respective issues. Or if they do have interest in resolving them, refuse to take the necessary steps to resolve them and put us both at ease.
And how do you explain yourself to the people who tell you that all that matters is who you marry and that you do, when you don't at all agree? It's true that those are the things that matter the most, but it is FAR from true that they are "all" that matter. SO, SO far from the truth. And I get this both from people who have been married and from those who haven't. Again, I feel like I have to defend myself and my plans (us and our plans) against these people. TO EACH HIS OWN. It's easy for the girl who had her entire wedding paid for by her parents and in-laws that all that matters is knowing you have found "the one," but I would be a lot more ready to find comfort in that had she actually, for even a moment, had to face the prospect of getting married in a courthouse with none of her own family with her and no real celebration. And it might be of more comfort if I was so out of reach of my bare minimum wedding that I had never dared to dream of it in the first place. But for me, it is so close to being possible... And still, impossible. That changes things considerably, in a way that no one but me and others who have been in my situation can begin to understand. There is absolutely NO COMFORT WHATSOEVER in hearing "When it comes down to it, all that matters is that you're marrying Jordan. Nothing else will seem important on that day," or other variations of the same basic idea. But without fail, explaining this only offends people. Which in itself is ridiculous. That someone should be offended that I want for myself and care about in different proportions things that they don't want for me on a day that, by definition, is ALL ABOUT ME AND JORDAN AND NOT AT ALL ABOUT THEM, blows my mind.
But then again, so does the meanness of people who you thought, on some level, loved you, or at the very least respected you. And so does the willful ignorance the masses are capable of. And so does the complexity and frustration of planning a wedding.