why is it always the first step that's the hardest

[jqmark]

I have some idea of what the first step is but not the strength to take it. Why I wonder does the step seem so insurmountable before you take it and usually so simple after you have. It is not a fear of failure because I am already failing on a grand scale. Is it subconciously not wanting things to get any better, I have a hard time imagining that as my current life leads me to fall asleep in tears and wake up wishing some how I could put off waking up for a very long time. I just can't figure out why that first step is so hard. In the " So I cheered up and sure enough things got worse" category, my rent is now 10 days late and 300 short.
Thanks for all the kind words and loving support. It does mean a lot to me sorry if I have been some what non responsive lately
I guess I am just sick and tired of only having bad news and misery tales. Some day we will all sit back and have good laugh about all this? Right?