ugh

Jan 07, 2014 21:55

I need some serious fucking help. I'm driving myself crazy. Nothing makes me happy anymore, and I mean absolutely nothing. I find myself just in an all time low. I cant sleep. I cant think about anything but stupid crazy thoughts. I feel like I'm back in high school and I'm losing my god damned mind. I've been cutting myself again. I havent done that in almost a year and the other night I just snapped and I got a razor that I use for work and I just pried it apart and used it. I feel emotionally exhausted. All I can think about is hurting myself, like I dont deserve anything better. I've been talking to Ryan, I met him when I used to work at royal farms and he came in there one summer with his ex and he noticed me and I noticed him. He messaged me on plenty of fish and we've been talking since probably November or December of last year. We've yet to get together because he's always busy working 2 jobs. and I have feelings for him, and have for a while, and he wants to be with me but he has no type of feeling for me because we havent "met" or kissed yet. I give and give and give and I feel like no matter what I do, I get shit on. I'm tired of being let down by guys. I dont understand what is so bad about me that they just dont want anything to do with me. Is it just me, or am I thinking way too much about it. I dont get it. I'm 27, I shouldnt feel like this. What do I do? A friend of mine said i need to stop having a pity party for myself. Im emotionally messed up and I cannot control how I feel. I wouldnt be writing about it in here if I was throwing a pity party for myself.

I talked to a good friend today for a little bit and I honestly dont know why he bothers talking to me, every time we chat I'm venting to him about how fucked up my mind is. He says he does it because he cares about me, but fuck. I deleted my plenty of fish profile, and my growlr one and the one for grommr. I love the attention I get from guys but I'm not in any way shape or form ready to be with anyone or even think about dating them. If I get with someone all I can think about is my past relationships and how I was cheated on and left for someone with no kind of explanation. Do you know what that does to someones mind. It really fucks them up inside. I have to fake being happy every day at work. At home, every where. I dont want people to think I'm going the fuck nuts. I have more suicidal thoughts now then I ever had in my entire life. I think about it all the time, but I'm too much of a chicken to even try anything. I dont have health insurance, so I cant get any kind of help and I certainly cant afford a therapist with the pay I get. Please jesus someone give me some kind of advice that will help me.
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