Been A Year.
So, it's been a year since I shut this entire journal down. I've felt the urge to post here a few times, especially during the harder times, but instead I just... didn't. It's been both a good (having support) and bad (not being able to just rely on myself). This year has been a mess of anxiety, especially after I started spiraling from the anniversary of my breathing problems last year.
tl;dr, I had a complete mental breakdown over my OCD and all the body stress, to the point I was counting every little thing to avoid the number 5 while I tried my finish a routine while I was jogging.
November is when I finally gave up the solo struggle. I got on a website, got telemedicine care, and... I'm on SSRIs. Antidepressants.
The start of the journey was horrible. I felt sick and tired and constantly wanted to vomit after yawning. I couldn't really... "get off" either, and it took 2 hours usually to release. I still felt the desire, but it was much weaker, and not very fulfilling. Slowly it's gotten better, but right now I'm on a weak dose, which I'll be upgrading soon.
It's made me very empathetic to the people I've known with mental issues. Thinking about it, trying to force myself to face it... just made me anxious all the time. I needed time to pull away and forget just so I could cope and settle down. I was high anxiety all the time. The pills are greatly helping this mind you, though I've had 1 or 2 breakthrough episodes in the past few months since starting.
If any of you see this, Ten, Vaal, the list goes on... I wish I could apologize enough for how I treated you during your episodes. I didn't understand just how bad things can get.
This is not a forgive you for the bad things anyone has done to me... just that I understand, and that my own reactions to some of it was shitty. I can see why ya'll pulled away from me. Constantly trying to fix the situation rather than offer relief by a distraction, safety, etc. I tried that approach. I played by my own rules and treated myself as I did you. I'm OCD. Like, actual OCD. I obsess.
I just sit there thinking about it trying to create strategies so it'll never happen again. Panic doesn't work that way. It eventually will happen no matter what... I just have to deal with it, and keeping myself just completely focused and in terror never helped a damn thing.
Life has become a struggle even on the most minor things, be it my daily walk or watching a show, scared I'll have another freak out, to the point I'm terrified to go out. Almost freaked out in the doc's office getting blood drawn, and had several sharp anxiety spikes while out walking late along the same route that started all this OCD mess. The pills take the edge off it though, and now I have some non-habit forming sedatives to stop the fight or flight reaction.
Other than that? I'm... just playing games, talking, and RPing every so often. Not much has changed, just that I don't post here anymore. Figured I'd drop an update here for anyone that wants to see it. I'm not sure if I wanna make a habit out of this, though I realized just how much this journal helped in me coping with all the bad shit. I felt like I'd just... disappear. Be forgotten. No one would know why, I'd just be gone.
Let me put it this way. The best thing that's happened to me is that I finally did basic ass lawn work, raking leaves as a present for my mom. Several hours of side cramping, back-aching physical work... and I didn't panic once. No breathing attacks. I could finally do hard labor again. So... I guess I'm healing. I'm also starting to fight back myu OCD by reincorporating 5 into my life.
I made several strides here recently about my fear of 5: 5 Day Work Weeks/School Days, so I can't work if I'm scared of 5. Did both of these with no problem. 15 hours in the day (3 PM) was the time when school let out. 5 was a number in one of the people I'm closest too's life. I fought 5 before and won with my legs, proving I wouldn't cramp/die/etc if I didn't evade 5. I have several examples of doing this and nothing going wrong.
It's starting to work, but I'm still a bit traumatized from the entire thing. Still having anxiety when I go the route, like my body remembers and wants me to do it all over again, repeat the cycle all over again.
I hope things are going well for you all. Happy New Year to anyone still looking at this dead as heck journal.
tl;dr, I had a complete mental breakdown over my OCD and all the body stress, to the point I was counting every little thing to avoid the number 5 while I tried my finish a routine while I was jogging.
November is when I finally gave up the solo struggle. I got on a website, got telemedicine care, and... I'm on SSRIs. Antidepressants.
The start of the journey was horrible. I felt sick and tired and constantly wanted to vomit after yawning. I couldn't really... "get off" either, and it took 2 hours usually to release. I still felt the desire, but it was much weaker, and not very fulfilling. Slowly it's gotten better, but right now I'm on a weak dose, which I'll be upgrading soon.
It's made me very empathetic to the people I've known with mental issues. Thinking about it, trying to force myself to face it... just made me anxious all the time. I needed time to pull away and forget just so I could cope and settle down. I was high anxiety all the time. The pills are greatly helping this mind you, though I've had 1 or 2 breakthrough episodes in the past few months since starting.
If any of you see this, Ten, Vaal, the list goes on... I wish I could apologize enough for how I treated you during your episodes. I didn't understand just how bad things can get.
This is not a forgive you for the bad things anyone has done to me... just that I understand, and that my own reactions to some of it was shitty. I can see why ya'll pulled away from me. Constantly trying to fix the situation rather than offer relief by a distraction, safety, etc. I tried that approach. I played by my own rules and treated myself as I did you. I'm OCD. Like, actual OCD. I obsess.
I just sit there thinking about it trying to create strategies so it'll never happen again. Panic doesn't work that way. It eventually will happen no matter what... I just have to deal with it, and keeping myself just completely focused and in terror never helped a damn thing.
Life has become a struggle even on the most minor things, be it my daily walk or watching a show, scared I'll have another freak out, to the point I'm terrified to go out. Almost freaked out in the doc's office getting blood drawn, and had several sharp anxiety spikes while out walking late along the same route that started all this OCD mess. The pills take the edge off it though, and now I have some non-habit forming sedatives to stop the fight or flight reaction.
Other than that? I'm... just playing games, talking, and RPing every so often. Not much has changed, just that I don't post here anymore. Figured I'd drop an update here for anyone that wants to see it. I'm not sure if I wanna make a habit out of this, though I realized just how much this journal helped in me coping with all the bad shit. I felt like I'd just... disappear. Be forgotten. No one would know why, I'd just be gone.
Let me put it this way. The best thing that's happened to me is that I finally did basic ass lawn work, raking leaves as a present for my mom. Several hours of side cramping, back-aching physical work... and I didn't panic once. No breathing attacks. I could finally do hard labor again. So... I guess I'm healing. I'm also starting to fight back myu OCD by reincorporating 5 into my life.
I made several strides here recently about my fear of 5: 5 Day Work Weeks/School Days, so I can't work if I'm scared of 5. Did both of these with no problem. 15 hours in the day (3 PM) was the time when school let out. 5 was a number in one of the people I'm closest too's life. I fought 5 before and won with my legs, proving I wouldn't cramp/die/etc if I didn't evade 5. I have several examples of doing this and nothing going wrong.
It's starting to work, but I'm still a bit traumatized from the entire thing. Still having anxiety when I go the route, like my body remembers and wants me to do it all over again, repeat the cycle all over again.
I hope things are going well for you all. Happy New Year to anyone still looking at this dead as heck journal.