What's In A Name? Chapter 2: (Part 1)
What's In A Name? Chapter 2: (Part 1)
“What the hell are you up to?” demanded Brian, as he threw the letter down on the dining table in front of her. He was fuming and doing his utmost to control his temper.
Brian had seethed about the letter all the previous evening, resisting the impulse of telephoning Joan, knowing the call was bound to end acrimoniously and accomplish nothing. The temptation to storm over there early this morning had also proven almost too great, but he knew he had to stay calm. Deciding not to call her and warn her he was coming; that she didn’t deserve that courtesy, Brian waited until mid-morning before turning up on her doorstep. But Joan was expecting him, of course. She didn’t expect Brian not to react, once he’d received the letter from her attorney.
“Did you really think I could turn a blind eye … while you expose an innocent child to your disgusting and decadent lifestyle?” countered Joan calmly, and Brian rounded on her.
“You know nothing about me, or my lifestyle.”
“But for your information … since I’ve had responsibility for Gus …I’d challenge anyone who thinks I’m not raising him right,” stated Brian, but his mother was far from finished.
“Oh please … your history speaks for itself … all the men you’ve been with … the alcohol and drug abuse …”
“Well, I see someone’s been doing their homework,” interjected Brian, sarcastically.
“Did you think I could leave my own grandson to be brought up in the house you share with your … your male lover?” continued Joan, with obvious disgust and determined not to be fazed.
“Justin’s my partner … my husband … in all but name.“
“And our relationship is as valid as anyone else’s … not that I have to justify myself to you,” countered Brian.
“No … maybe not,” agreed Joan. “But a court of law may see things differently.”
“If you think I’m going to stand by … and let you take my kid away without a fight …”
“I hope that isn’t a threat Brian … courts don’t take too kindly to threats,” stated Joan, icily.
“Oh, that’s not a threat … that’s a promise,” vowed Brian, but Joan shook her head in determination.
“Gus needs a mother … and a decent, Christian upbringing,” she continued and Brian snorted.
“A mother like you, you mean? Who was never there for her kids when they needed her.” accused Brian.
“And as for a Christian upbringing … no doubt teaching him to hate his own family … and how his father’s going to hell.”
“You call that Christian?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell him his moms are there already,” he continued, scathingly.
“I’m sure his mother was … misguided,” stated Joan and Brian chuckled.
“That’s one word for it.“
“And I suppose you think you can do a better job? At your age?“
“Do you really think you can handle a lively twelve year old full-time?” asked Brian and Joan shrugged.
“I’m at home all day … I can devote all my time to him … and this house is plenty big enough to accommodate a child.”
“Besides … if I do need help … Claire has brought up two sons successfully …”
“CLAIRE?”
“So is that the plan … that you and my sister bring up my son … to be a homophobic little prick like her own?”
Brian momentarily closed his eyes and shook his head in frustration and then rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“Why? Why are you doing this?”
“Do you really hate me that much?” he asked her, realizing his willingness to allow Joan to meet Gus in the first place was no doubt a last gasp effort at some sort of relationship with his mother. But, alas, it seemed that relationship was as illusive as it had ever been as Joan refused to answer that particular question, one that Brian had asked himself many times before.
“Gus has a good life … he’s with people who love him … who take care of him.”
“I love my son,” continued Brian, earnestly.
“Have you asked his opinion lately?” asked Joan and Brian narrowed his eyes. That was an odd question to ask from someone who, as Brian recalled from his own childhood, usually thought that a child’s opinion didn’t count for much. But it certainly sounded like his mother knew something he didn’t.
“What has he said?” demanded Brian and he was sure he saw a smirk on his mother’s face.
“You say you love Gus … yet you have absolutely no idea what’s really going on with him.“
“I think you should talk to your son,” Joan informed him. Brian frowned and was at a loss to know what to say. Joan certainly sounded positive that she had information he wasn’t privy to regarding Gus and without another word, Brian picked up the letter, turned on his heel and left.
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Everyone was working flat out and Brian had a workload he couldn’t delegate. He struggled to concentrate for the rest of the day, his anger increasing with every passing hour, but not just at Joan. Brian was angry that he’d even begun to allow himself to think he could ever have anything that remotely resembled some sort of normal relationship with his mother. He should have known better.
Having taken time out during the day, Brian had to work on and even though it was Friday night, by the time he got home, it was too late to talk to Gus, as the boy was already in bed and asleep. But there was someone he could talk to. He didn’t feel like facing her and he’d just about calmed down enough to actually speak to her, but maybe Claire would give him some clue as to what the hell his mother was talking about.
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“I can’t add anything to what mother told you already,” stated Claire curtly on the phone. Brian had called her the moment he got home, but Joan had gotten there much earlier, of course.
“Why the hell do you have to interfere in our lives?” demanded Brian, but all he got on the other end of the line was stony silence; reminding him that Claire was too much like their mother.
“I happen to agree with mom,” Claire answered him eventually. “It isn’t healthy for a boy to be brought up by two … men,” she continued, the pause in her statement shouting volumes.
“Like bringing kids up in a broken home is any better?” countered Brian and he heard Claire’s intake of breath.
“At least they have a mother …”
“Well excuse Gus’ mothers for dying on him so inconsiderately,” and Brian slammed down the phone. He knew he wasn’t going to get any joy there and wouldn’t be surprised if even Claire didn’t really know the full story, the way Joan liked to keep things to herself.
But he still had that gnawing feeling that his mother knew something he didn’t and it wouldn’t let him go and Brian spent the rest of the evening pacing the living room floor, with a glass of Beam in his hand, refusing dinner.
“I’m sure it can’t be anything really bad … your mother’s probably bluffing,” offered Justin, as a possible explanation for her statement, as he tried to calm him down, but Brian shook his head. “Joan’s not that good an actress … she knows something … something that Gus isn’t telling us,” stated Brian, with a heavy heart.
Justin sighed. He hated seeing how worried Brian was about the possibility of losing Gus; he hated the thought too. He knew how far Brian had come since Gus was merely a passing thought mentioned by Lindsay when she and Mel had first talked about wanting a child of their own. Having agreed to father the child, Justin knew Brian was supposed to have nothing to do with the boy and in the early days of their own relationship, he’d vehemently stated that was his intention. But it hadn’t taken Justin long to figure that deep down, Brian had loved his son from the very first time he’d held him in his arms; the night he and Justin had met and that Brian had only denied wanting any involvement owing to the experience he’d had with his own father and didn’t trust himself: fearing history would no doubt be repeated.
But Justin knew that was highly unlikely and had sought to tell Brian, more than once, that he wasn’t his father. He wished he could do more than just offer words of encouragement.
He could be there of course, to support him. But he feared there was nothing practical he could do. If Joan carried out her threat to challenge Brian for custody of Gus through the courts and brought up the man’s past as evidence against him, with the way the law stood, there was always a chance she’d win and Justin knew that would surely tear Brian apart. And if that happened, despite Brian’s tough exterior, Justin knew how hard it would be to put the pieces back together again.
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Brian was careful to only have one drink, albeit a large one. He needed a clear head in the morning: Any more and wasn’t he living up to the reputation his mother held of him?
He was clearly worried when he came up to bed and unusually for Brian, in no mood for sex. Though that in itself was not necessarily a bad thing, as it confirmed that Brian no longer needed sex as a crutch; a way of shutting himself off from the outside world and whatever was bothering him. In the past, Brian had portrayed as a totally confident and single-minded individual, when contrary to popular belief, he was a mass of conflictions and contradictions. Fearful of his own emotions and of anyone getting too close. A man with seemingly an impenetrable shield around him, but who in truth, bruised easily.
But finding himself unexpectedly caring for his son and then finally having Justin permanently in his life, had totally changed everything. Brian now trusted himself to be the man he could be; the man he now was. But that didn’t cancel out everything he’d done in the past, some of which he knew was definitely dubious. And it certainly didn’t stop him tossing and turning and only eventually settling when Justin had snuggled up behind him and reached around and taken his hand. Brian had squeezed Justin’s hand in return and held it tightly to his chest, feeling the younger man’s breath on the back of his neck and the heat from the closeness of his body, knowing that whatever else happened in the world, Justin would now always be there.
To now have the love of a man such as Justin was something Brian never envisaged wanting nor needing. Justin understood him and to know he had his love and support unconditionally had Brian believing there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do. But he hated the thought of having to face down his own mother in her challenge over Gus; the one person in the world a gay boy was always supposed to be able to trust and go to for support. If only that were true. But in truth, Brian had never had that love and support from those who should have given it unquestioningly and unconditionally. Apart from anything else, Brian feared how the effect of a court case, if it came to that, would have on Gus. How the hell could the boy face up to being taken away from Brian; he’d already lost his moms. But for Brian, for someone to find himself opposing his mother over custody of his son, was something no-one should ever have to do.
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Tackling Gus about what Joan had said without worrying the boy wouldn’t be easy. If the lad had been ten years older, Brian would probably have steamed in and demanded what the woman was talking about. But you can’t do that with a twelve year old and a boy you love, probably more than life itself.
Brian rarely slept late these days and Saturdays were no exception, this one even more so, and his stomach was turning somersaults and getting up to a quiet household, black coffee was all he could get down. Before he had care of Gus, Brian would quite likely have succumbed to something chemical to help him confront a situation he wasn’t looking forward to facing. But that‘s what probably brought him to this situation, surmised Brian and a time he couldn’t afford, or wished, to return to.
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Coming down for breakfast, Gus dropped his sports bag by the back door for later. He had a soccer game to take part in and, as usual, both Brian and Justin had promised they’d be there, though it was Tyler’s dad who would be picking him up and taking him to the pre-match preparations.
As during the week, at weekends, they always got their own breakfast; Rosa wouldn’t be back until Monday and on a week day, didn’t normally get in until after Gus had left for school.
Now, this morning, Brian had the bread in the toaster, cereal packets out on the table and the juice from the refrigerator: As much to keep busy as anything else.
Brian had been up a while by now and had showered and dressed long before Justin had woken, such was the older man’s uneasiness. He tried to act as if nothing was bothering him, something he’d had a lot of practice with over the years, but having also showered and dressed and coming down to join them, Justin could see how much Brian was suffering the moment he laid eyes on him. Even Gus caught the unspoken messages that passed between the two men. He could see the concern in both their eyes and he frowned as he took his place at the table, wondering what it was he’d done, or whether they’d actually discovered the truth.
Having brought the toast to the table, Brian poured out Gus’ juice while Justin poured out his and Brian’s coffee before reaching for cereal himself.
Taking his place, Brian played with a slice of toast, managing one mouthful before it stuck in his gullet; the unusual silence hanging heavy over the breakfast table.
As Gus started buttering his toast, Brian took a swallow of his coffee and trying to appear casual, picked up the newly delivered morning paper and he cleared his throat, eventually managing to speak.
“I’ve been meaning to ask … what have you and grandma Joan been talking about lately?” asked Brian, putting the paper back down again and Justin took a swallow of his coffee and managed not to look at him; Gus shrugged.
“Stuff,” came the non-committal reply through his toast.
“What sort of stuff?” enquired Brian, reigning in his overwhelming anxiety.
“Just stuff,” repeated Gus and Brian took a deep breath.
“Well … does grandma ever talk about me … or ask about Justin and me?”
“Sometimes,” answered his son.
“What does she ask about us?”
“Brian,” cautioned Justin quietly, but with his stomach churning further and his heart thumping, Brian didn’t hear him.
“I asked you a question, Gus … what does your grandma want to know about Justin and me?” Brian rarely lost his temper with Gus; haunted by his own childhood memories of being on the wrong end himself and usually managed to rationalize through any problems they had. But Gus didn’t understand the gravity of the situation they were now apparently facing and although he didn’t mean to sound angry, even Gus caught the now all too apparent edge in Brian’s tone as his dad couldn’t disguise his frustration.
Gus looked down at his plate. “She just thinks it’s sad … that I’ve got two dads and that I don’t have a mom looking after me,” stated Gus, sadly. His grandma had recently taken to telling him this every time they met up. But to Gus it seemed the woman was just showing genuine concern for him, and how sad he always felt at being reminded about losing his moms. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and nodded; the words ‘I bet she does’ going through his mind.
“What else?”
“Well … she asks like … what we do … when we’re all together … just the three of us.”
Brian blinked. That sounded an odd question for Joan to ask; what the fuck did his mother think they did? But then he felt the bile rise as it dawned on him. Did Joan think they were abusing Gus? And the vileness of that unspoken accusation made Brian sick to his stomach.
Justin also understood the implication as he saw Brian pale and clench his fist and instinctively reached out to cover the older man’s hand with his own, but Brian pulled away.
“What did you tell her?” asked Brian, trying with all his might to keep his voice even and Gus frowned.
“I dunno …”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” demanded his father and Justin momentarily closed his eyes. He knew how painful it was for Brian to think his mother actually feared he could harm his son in any way. But then there was a history of physical abuse, so maybe she couldn’t be blamed for asking after all.
“I just tell her we do the usual stuff,” stated Gus, becoming frustrated by all the questions and wondering why it was he seemed to be getting such a grilling and Brian sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“Like what?” his dad asked him, desperate to get a handle on anything his mother might be seeking to use against him.
“Like … we watch tv … play video games and soccer … the usual stuff.”
“Is that it?” Brian asked his son and Gus shrugged.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, dad,” and he sighed.
“Grandma’s been really nice … but …” and he suddenly stopped.
“But what?” asked Brian, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.
“Grandma says the two of you haven’t been getting along … and that you didn’t even tell her about me until a little while ago.”
“Why dad … why didn’t you tell grandma about me?” asked Gus and Brian swallowed.
“Like she said … we hadn’t been getting along,” repeated Brian and Gus frowned. “But I’m twelve years old, dad.”
“It would have been nice to have met her before,” continued Gus and for a moment, Brian couldn’t help feeling a pang of guilt that he’d denied Gus his grandma for so long. But on the other hand, he knew how manipulative Joan could be and it was quite within her abilities to attempt to make him feel guilty about keeping the two of them apart through Gus. And although it sounded as if his mom and son got along, Brian knew now for sure that he couldn’t trust her.
“But you know each other now,” stated Brian and realizing that whatever happened from here on in, Gus was bound to be upset. If there was a court case and Joan won, then she would be awarded custody, he’d lose Brian and they‘d probably only be allowed a certain amount of contact with each other.
And even if there wasn’t a court case, there was no way Brian could continue to let Gus see his grandma now, knowing she would even contemplate removing his son from his care. But how was he going to explain that to Gus?
“What else do you talk about?” continued Brian, still not yet understanding what his mother was meaning in their last conversation concerning Gus.
“Do you talk about school … or … soccer … what?“ continued Brian, grasping at straws and he caught the look Justin couldn’t then stop himself from giving him. The look that said: “Don’t push it”, but the look Brian chose to ignore.
“Sometimes,” stated Gus, taking another mouthful of his toast. “Though …”
“Though what?” jumped in Brian, in his eagerness.
“Well … grandma did ask what friends I had and how I‘m doing at school.”
“You’ve got lots of friends,” interjected Justin. “And your grades have been better lately,” he continued, but he saw Gus frown in response. “I guess,” admitted the youngster, quietly, hoping the two men didn’t want to take that any further. But Brian caught his son’s uneasiness.
“You had that glitch a while ago … but things have gotten better … haven’t they?” asked Brian, but Gus only reached out for his juice and took a swallow; Brian and Justin exchanged looks.
“Well haven’t they?” asked Brian again, determined to find out whether there was something going on at school that he should know about, but Gus only shrugged. Inwardly, Brian swore at himself. He’d been meaning to get in touch with the school after Gus had come home that time with a cut lip, but his heavy workload and introducing Gus to his grandma had gotten in the way. And with everything seemingly having settled down, Brian hadn‘t thought to take it further.
“Is everything now okay at school Gus?” asked Justin, the question Gus was dreading, but he, too, only got silence in reply.
“Justin asked you a question,” stated Brian and Gus sighed heavily and his words almost sounded as if he resented having to answer.
“Why are you both going on at me?” asked the youngster.
“We’re not … we just wanna make sure you’re okay,” stated Justin, getting in before Brian was about to say the same thing. But neither of them were ready for Gus’ reply.
“But you’re not my dad … so why do you care?”
Justin blinked and sat back in his chair and for the moment, both he and Brian were speechless. Gus had always got on so well with Justin and had never rounded on him like that before and though on occasion, earlier in their relationship, Justin had deferred to Brian after Gus had asked permission for something when his dad was at work, lately, both Brian and Justin, trusted Justin’s judgment to make a decision in Gus’ best interest. They shared the parental responsibilities equally.
“Justin loves you every bit as much as I do,” stated Brian, knowing that for fact. “How can you say something like that?” and he looked across at Justin, who was really more stunned than hurt by Gus’ outburst, knowing how easy it was for kids to say things they didn‘t really understand or mean.
“Of course I do, Gus,” confirmed Justin, seeking to reassure the youngster. “I thought you knew that … we both love you …”
“But that’s it … don’t you get it?” asked Gus, obviously upset and exasperated by how the conversation was going.
“Get what?” asked Brian, dumbfounded and still trying to understand his son.
“All the kids at school … have either a mom and a dad … OR a mom OR a dad …”
“Do you know what it’s like to have two dads?”
“Two dads who live together?” asked Gus and the catch in his voice was now all too apparent.
“I … I didn’t think that had been a problem,” stated Brian, or at least Gus had never mentioned it before.
“Is it … is it a problem, Gus?” asked Brian softly, saddened greatly at his son’s obvious distress as he saw Gus’ bottom lip tremble and he reached out to place a hand on the boy’s shoulder. Gus nodded.
“I didn’t want to upset you … I thought I could handle it,” he admitted, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, finally revealing now just how upset he was at whatever had been happening.
“Did you tell grandma something was bothering you?” asked Brian in realization and Gus looked down.
“I told her the kids had been teasing me ‘cos I had two dads,” and Gus’ face crumpled as he tried to hold in the tears.
“Do you know what it’s like to be called a queer’s kid … to have kids yell ‘faggot’ at you in the school yard… in front of everyone?” sobbed Gus, his feelings now getting the better of him completely and he suddenly got to his feet, pushing his chair back, which rocked and threatened to topple over.
“They make fun of me and call me names … they call you names …” continued Gus, now shaking with emotion and unable to rein in.
“They call you fags … and cocksuckers … and then say I must be one too …“
“I hate it!”
“I hate it … and I hate you!” and turning, Gus bolted out the door and up the stairs to his room.
“Gus!”
“GUS!” His son’s suffering gone unnoticed likely for so long, broke Brian’s heart and he called after him, getting to his feet and intent on following him, but Justin reached out to halt his progress.
“Leave him … let him cool off a while,” suggested Justin, also upset and shaken following the boy‘s outburst. And now also on his feet, he tugged at Brian’s elbow.
“It sounded like it’s been building up for some time … poor kid.”
Brian nodded his agreement. “Well, now we know what Joan was talking about,” he stated and he sighed in helplessness. If Joan could prove that Gus suffered abuse and humiliation at the hands of others, owing to his father’s sexuality and his domestic arrangements, that could surely be used against him.
With everything now so apparent, Brian and Justin sat back down at the table. “Why is this happening now?” queried Brian.
“He’s never said anything happened before … and he was brought up by two moms then,” he continued, exasperated and Justin shrugged.
“Maybe he was too young to understand then.”
“But he’s older … he knows what people are saying now … he knows what the words mean.”
“You know how cruel kids can be,” continued Justin, and getting up again, he started to clear away their mostly uneaten breakfast. Justin tried to retain an air of normality, but his insides were shaking: Gus’ distress getting to him every bit as much as it did to Brian.
“But you’re a great dad … you love Gus … we both love Gus … I love him as if he were my own,” declared Justin earnestly and Brian smiled at him. “I know you do,” came the answer. Justin‘s love for Gus was obvious and it had always gladdened Brian‘s heart to see the two of them together, usually getting on so well.
“And who says guys can’t … or shouldn’t … raise a kid on their own?” questioned the younger man, as he began to load the dishwasher.
Brian shrugged. “No one as far as I’m concerned,” and he snorted. “It’s not as if Joan ever qualified for mother of the year herself.”
“But that’s just the sort of statement I’d expect her to come out with.”
With their plans for the day looking like they’d probably been thrown into disarray, after clearing away the breakfast things, Brian decided to try and look over a few work papers for a while, giving Gus a little time to cool down, and Justin went up to his studio.
Part 2 follows immediately