What's In A Name? Chapter 2: (Part 2)
What's In A Name? Chapter 2: (Part 2)
Passing by Gus’ door to get to his office, Brian stopped and listened. He could hear Gus’ tv on with his favorite Spiderman DVD masking any other noises. Brian took hold of the door handle but then paused, deciding to give Gus just a little more time to calm down and think about what he’d said.
For thirty minutes, Brian just stared at the papers; nothing was registering. He was still worrying about the situation with Gus and he looked at his watch. It was about forty-five minutes now since Gus’ outburst, and just as he was about to get up and go and see how the boy was doing, there was a quiet knock on the open door of his small office and he looked around to find his son standing there.
“Hi champ,” greeted Brian as he turned away from his desk, only to have his son burst into tears and quickly cross the short distance between them, before throwing himself into his father’s arms.
“Dad … I’m sorry …”
Brian closed his eyes and held his son tightly, stroking the boy‘s hair. “Hey … it’s okay,” whispered Brian. “And it means a lot that you came to say that,” and he pulled back to look at him, gently wiping away Gus’ tears with his thumbs.
“I didn’t mean to say those things and call you names,” choked Gus and Brian nodded. “I know … and I hope you remember to say that to Justin too,” reminded Brian and Gus nodded.
“You know … those names … I know they hurt … but they are only words, Gus … and it’s only ignorant people who need to use them.”
“Why … why do they say those things?” asked Gus and for the first time in a little while, Brian pulled his son onto his lap. Thankfully, he wasn’t yet too big for a cuddle. Neither of them were.
“People are afraid of things they don’t really understand … or of anyone or anything they think are different.”
“But there are lots of people like Justin and me … I mean there’s Michael and Ben … Emmett and Ted … and they’re only the people we know … there’s lots more besides.”
“And your moms of course,” reminded Brian and Gus frowned.
“So being gay isn’t strange?” asked Gus and reaching out, Brian brushed the hair back from the youngsters eyes.
“Some people think it is … some people even think it’s evil …” and Brian leaned in nearer, almost conspiratorially.
“Do you think me or Justin are evil?” asked Brian and his son shook his head.
“Or Em?” continued Brian, raising his eyebrow and poking his son gently in the tummy and Gus chuckled.
“Emmett?”
“Emmett,” confirmed Brian and Gus chuckled more. “That’s dumb.”
“Yes … it is,” confirmed Brian and Gus sighed and Brian could see he was thinking about something before finally:
“Am I gay?” asked Gus out of the blue and Brian frowned. He knew some guys were late starters, but by the time he was Gus’ age, Brian knew he had no interest in girls and it wasn’t just the normal adolescent revulsion at having to kiss female relatives or forced to sit next to girls in class.
Brian could still clearly remember kissing Amy Linsdale in fourth grade while joining in a game of Kiss Chase in the school yard. She was a pretty little thing with big brown eyes and pigtails and Brian, tall for his age and already regarded as cute by the girls, was obviously her target and a game of ‘chase me, I wanna get caught’ had resulted in Brian being egged on by the other boys to go after her. Even at that tender age, Amy knew exactly what she wanted. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out to be the same for Brian, who having caught her, then found the whole kissing thing pretty repulsive. Until of course he kissed his first boy … but that’s another story …
“Dad?”
Brian blinked and leaving memory lane behind, smiled at his son.
“Do you think you’re gay?” he asked him and Gus shrugged and then clearly blushed.
“There is this girl at school … Carol-Ann … she’s pretty,” and then suddenly, Gus frowned.
“Would you care?” he asked him and Brian shrugged. “About what?” and he saw Gus bite his lip before answering.
“If I wasn’t gay,” Gus continued and smiling, Brian shook his head.
“The only thing I care about … is that you’re happy.”
“You just grow up to be who you are, Gus,” stated Brian earnestly, knowing how hard it was to grow up around people and not be who you wanted to be: who you are. Brian had been thirty before his mom knew he was gay and although Brian had always contended that it was nobody’s business but his own, and still believed it, he hoped that Gus would always be able to be honest around the people he loved and who loved him.
“I’m sorry,” repeated the youngster. “I know, Gus … it’s okay,” and then they both glanced round as movement caught their eyes.
Justin was also finding it difficult to concentrate on anything, his mind wandering from one thing to another and he was making his way downstairs to the living room to collect a file he’d left there the previous evening. Plus it was also an excuse to pass by Gus’ room to see how the boy was doing.
Having seen Gus was in Brian’s office with him and not wanting to interrupt, Justin had walked quietly by. But having seen him, Gus looked back at his dad, asking the unspoken question and Brian nodded. “Go on,” he told him.
“Justin.” Climbing off Brian’s lap, Gus walked over to the doorway as Justin, hearing the youngster call out for him, retraced his steps along the hallway.
“Hi Gus,” Justin smiled at him, only for the boy to reach out and hug him, his arms tight around Justin’s waist.
“I’m sorry I was so mean to you earlier,” the youngster told him and he looked up at him and then back at his dad.
“And I love having you as my dads … really I do,“ stated Gus and Brian and Justin grinned at each other before Justin squeezed the boy’s shoulder.
“It sounded like you’d been having a tough time at school,” stated Justin and Gus nodded.
“But dad explained … I won’t let the other kids bother me any more,” the boy continued and Justin nodded and glanced at Brian. Mentally, both men crossed their fingers, but they knew it was doubtful that Gus wouldn’t hear those insults again.
“Gus,” called out Brian, and turning around, the boy walked back to him and reaching out, Brian took hold of his hand and drew him in.
“Promise me … promise both of us … that if any kids call you names or upset you again … that you’ll tell us,” stated Brian and Gus nodded. “I will dad,” promised his son and Brian smiled but then frowned at him.
“Do you still feel like going to your game?” he asked him and Gus nodded.
“Then why don’t you go and call Tyler and tell him that we’ll drive you today,” continued Brian, wanting to spend as much time with his son as possible and make sure he was genuinely okay. But also at the back of his mind was the feeling that he didn’t want to let him out of his sight.
“Okay,” agreed Gus and he trotted downstairs to use the phone in the living room.
“Is he okay?” asked Justin, eager for confirmation, once Gus had left them. “I think so,” answered Brian.
“He asked me if he was gay … and then he said there was a pretty little girl at school …”
“Uh-Oh,”
“Sounds like that ‘father-son’ conversation is overdue,” Justin grinned at him and Brian shook his head and groaned. “That’s something I used to think I’d never have to do,” he admitted, not exactly looking forward to it and having hoped that school had taken care of that particular topic.
Sighing heavily, Brian closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “I should never have told Joan about him.”
“Have you said anything about Joan yet?” asked Justin and opening his eyes again, Brian shook his head.
“I’ll tell him later … after his game … I don’t want to spoil that for him,” stated Brian, dreading how he was going to tell the boy he wasn’t going to be able to see his grandma any more and not be the bad guy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As it was, Gus didn’t particularly have a good game though he wasn’t the only one. The whole team seemed a little below par and suffered their first defeat of the new season. But as usual, Brian, Justin and Gus stopped off on the way home for a burger; a welcomed postponement for what Brian knew was to come later.
And getting home, Brian steered Gus into the living room, sitting him down on the sofa and taking his place beside him, while Justin took a seat in an armchair.
“Gus … there’s something we have to talk about,” stated Brian and he took a deep breath.
Gus blinked and looked from his dad to Justin and then back again. Were they still mad at him about this morning, he wondered and he saw his father swallow.
“It’s about grandma … grandma Joan.”
Taking joint responsibility for Gus, Brian and Justin had talked during the game and had been considering what the boy should be told.
It wasn’t easy to reach a decision. How much should Gus be told? Should he be lied to with some made up excuse as to why he couldn’t see his grandma? Something about Joan’s health maybe? Or should they simply tell him the truth?
In the end, there wasn’t anything else to be done. If Gus found out later that he’d been lied to, he’d probably be even more upset.
“Grandma … grandma Joan doesn’t think you should be brought up by Justin and me,” Brian told him, giving it to him straight, but his tone quiet so as not to worry the boy.
“Why?” asked Gus in confusion and Brian looked over at Justin and then back at his son.
“Because we’re gay,” stated Brian, matter of factly.
“But you’re my dad,” answered Gus, still bewildered and Brian nodded. “And your grandma’s my mom … but she doesn’t approve of the way I am.”
“She wants you to go and live with her,” and taking a deep breath and preparing himself for the worst, Brian asked the question he couldn’t avoid knowing the answer to.
“What do you think about that?” asked Brian and Gus frowned. “I love grandma … but I don’t want to live with her.”
“Do you want me to?” asked Gus, accusingly but reaching out, Brian drew him in closer.
“No … of course not … we want you here with us …” Brian hesitated. Gus obviously cared about his grandma and he hated to burst the boy’s bubble and act so mean at the same time.
Telling Gus that his grandma was threatening to go to court and have him taken away from them would scare him unnecessarily at this juncture, decided Brian, still hoping to talk some sense into Joan before it got to that point and there was no way he wanted to deliberately worry Gus.
Putting his arm around Gus and hugging him, Brian sought to reassure him. “I think it would be a good idea if you didn’t spend any more time with grandma … just for a while … while we get this sorted out,” suggested Brian and Gus nodded. “I guess,” he answered him, genuinely disappointed.
“You could talk to her on the phone … as long as Justin or I are with you,” offered Brian as some sort of compromise. “But I don’t think you should go see her … is that okay?”
“Okay dad,” replied Gus and Brian smiled at him. “Good boy … now … why don’t you get that latest video game out … so I can whip your butt …”
Gus grinned. “No way! … I beat you twice already,” he reminded him triumphantly and Brian nodded and then suddenly and without warning, scooped Gus up, pulling him onto his lap and he started to tickle his son. “But I‘m gonna get you back,” he told him and eventually, a giggling and happy twelve year old, squirmed out of his father‘s hold and ran upstairs to collect the game.
Justin smiled at Brian. “You handled that well,” he told him, once Gus was out of earshot and getting up, Justin crossed the floor to sit beside him.
“One day … you should tell him … what you went through when you were growing up,” suggested Justin and Brian shrugged.
“Maybe … when he’s old enough to understand.”
“In the meantime … I don’t wanna fill the kid’s head with horror stories,” answered Brian.
“Do you think you’ll be able to talk her round?” asked Justin and Brian shrugged. “I hope so … but I know one thing for sure.”
“What’s that?” asked Justin frowning.
“I’m gonna fucking kill Debbie next time I see her,” Brian informed him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meeting with his attorney at the first opportunity, Brian only had his worst fears confirmed. If Joan could produce witnesses to Brian’s past lifestyle; the men, the drugs and the alcohol, together with proof of Gus’ problems at school, she could very well make a good case for guardianship.
“Prepare for a visit from Child Welfare Services,” Mike Brubaker warned him and Brian groaned.
“Well … that would be part of my game plan,” the other man continued.
“Could they just turn up and take him?” asked Brian fearfully and Mike shook his head.
“Not if Gus wasn’t in any immediate danger.”
“Think about it … if that was possible … I would have expected Mrs. Kinney to have already attempted it.”
“Good,” sighed Brian in relief.
“But it could turn ugly if it does go to court … or if it could be proved that Gus was at risk from emotional, physical … or sexual abuse,” Mike informed him.
“What we need to do is go through all the positives in Gus’ life …”
“But that doesn’t cancel out my past … does it?” suggested Brian and Mike shrugged. Thankfully, Mike had known Brian for years and knew pretty much what could exactly be held against the man. Hell, Brian had even done him.
“No,” Mike admitted. “But what we have to do is make a case for now … remind everyone how you totally changed your life around once you took responsibility for Gus.”
“How you moved back from New York … re-arranged your work … bought a house … employed a house-keeper …”
“Plus the fact that you’re now in a committed, monogamous relationship.”
Brian shook his head, closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose: ‘Committed … monogamous … relationship.’
Jesus H. It wasn’t that long ago that those three words wouldn’t even have entered his vocabulary. But thankfully, now they would. Together with those other three little words of course, that Brian now found himself able to say.
“I’ll start to pull something together,” stated Mike and both men rose to their feet and shook hands.
“And don’t worry,” Mike told him as Brian smiled feebly. But that was easy for someone else to say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian knew that the best thing he could do, was try and talk Joan round, even though it sickened him to have to admit it. And having left his attorney’s office, Brian again visited his childhood home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you again so quickly,” Joan admitted as she opened the door to him and Brian tried his best to smile pleasantly.
“Well … maybe we both said things we shouldn’t have.”
“We’ve had time to cool off …”
“I meant every word I said,” Joan told him as she closed the door and made her way into the parlor. Brian followed her and while Joan sat, her son remained standing.
“There is absolutely no case to be made for you to claim rights to my son,” stated Brian, trying to remain cool and calm while his mother, the Ice Queen, sat regally in her chair, with her hands folded in her lap, as if holding court.
“Is that what your attorney told you?” Joan asked him. “I think you’re wasting your money … once your past comes to light … do you really think you have a chance of keeping Gus?”
Momentarily, Brian closed his eyes. “My past …” and he shook his head. “You’re determined to bring that up,” and Brian felt the anger start to bubble inside and before he knew it:
“Did it ever occur to you just how much influence you had in creating who I became?”
“You and Jack?“ asked Brian and he saw his mother straighten.
“Are you saying your father and I made you … made you …“ stuttered Joan and Brian’s bile rose further.
“A homosexual … go on … say it!”
“You can’t … can you?” accused Brian, reliving again the disappointment he remembered feeling the first time around when his mother couldn’t or wouldn’t recognize who or what he was.
“Well if it wasn’t you and dad … I don’t know wherever the hell else I came from,” stated Brian and he saw Joan blink and look away.
“So you’re saying it is our fault …” she continued, looking back and Brian nodded.
“The same as if I’d turned out with blue eyes … or left-handed …“
“Don’t you dare stand there and tell me it’s a perfectly natural occurrence,” interrupted Joan.
“There is absolutely nothing natural with the practices in which you indulge,” his mother informed him and Brian now shook his head in exasperation.
“You’re wrong … but it wasn’t just that I was talking about,” Brian continued and Joan frowned in confusion.
Brian paused. If only his mother could understand and accept how it had been, maybe there was still a chance.
He wanted to tell her that the reason he used all those men, the drugs and the alcohol, was to try and shut out any part of him that might feel anything. Or at least those feelings that his father hadn’t beaten out of him already. Brian felt his stomach muscles tighten. How could facing his mother like this, at his age, still make him feel like a child? A child who, if challenged, would have denied craving his mother’s love. But it would be a very strange child who didn’t crave it.
Inwardly, Brian sighed. He wasn’t a child any longer, but nevertheless, there were things he knew he would never be able to discuss with his mother. But surely she understood his feelings on one particular subject? And this seemed the exact time to bring it up.
“Have you really no idea at all … how it felt to be told constantly that I should have been aborted?” accused Brian.
“Or how it felt to never know what mood dad was gonna come home in?” he continued, knowing full well his mother would understand this at least. When Jack was drunk, which was often, he’d fight anyone. Even a child less than half his size. And, for the first time, he thought he actually saw a flicker of guilt on his mother’s face. But a flicker that all so quickly disappeared again, leaving Brian even more angry than before at how she could still deny his feelings. An anger he was now in danger of unleashing.
“But as for you … you shut yourself off from us … you were at church more times than you were looking out for Claire and me … and then when you were at home you usually turned your attention to the sherry bottle …”
“How dare you!” rounded Joan, indignantly, but having started, Brian wasn’t finished.
Unfortunately, Brian’s reined-in temper had now totally got the better of him and that quiet, calm conversation he’d hoped to have with his mother, had just flown out the window.
“Before you accuse me of how I lived my life … why don’t you look at yours?”
“Yours and dad’s marriage was a total sham …”
“You barely spoke … when you bothered to come home from church …“
“And we all know dad fucked anything in a skirt that would have him … he certainly wasn‘t getting anything from you …”
“Get out!” demanded Joan, getting to her feet and she clutched at her chest. It was probably indigestion brought on by the unpleasantness now heaped upon her. Joan had been getting those pains just lately and had put it down to tension, having decided upon the course of action she would be taking against her son.
“Oh I’m going.”
“But by the way … Gus has told me what went on at school … you’ll be pleased to know that’s all straightened out … but I’ve told him he’s not to see you any more,”
“So stay away from me and my family,” yelled Brian and turning on his heel, he left. Furious with himself that he’d allowed his emotions to get the better of him, but mildly elated at telling Joan a few home truths.
And Brian was still quietly seething when he got home that evening, but what was done was done. The most important thing now was to act perfectly normally and not to allow Gus to suspect there was anything serious to worry about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With every passing day, Brian expected the phone to ring or a letter to arrive to announce a visit by Child Welfare Services. Though of course it was totally conceivable that they might just arrive unannounced.
Brian was determined they wouldn’t alter anything they did. Why should they? Neither he nor Justin could deny anything they’d done in the past; there had always been too many witnesses for a start. But he considered they now had absolutely nothing to hide and the only fact that they were two men, was really the only difference to how Gus was being raised.
However, Brian hadn’t been away to the NYC office for a couple of months and Cynthia was anxious he fly in to see a couple of new accounts who were eager to meet him and who would only sign on the dotted line once they had.
“It will be fine,” Justin told him in reassurance. “I’m not going anywhere … and I’ll make damn sure I take him to school or soccer practice … anywhere he wants to go … and collect him.”
Since Brian’s last conversation with Joan, Brian and Justin made sure that one of them personally delivered and collected Gus everywhere. Brubaker had assured them that Gus couldn’t be removed without warning, but Brian didn’t want to take chances and had warned Gus‘ school to inform either him or Justin immediately, if anyone turned up asking for him.
“Okay,” agreed Brian finally, and overcoming his initial reluctance, made arrangements to fly out for a two-night stay in the Big Apple. A visit Brian would never forget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having assured both the new clients of his attention, even though he emphasized just how competent Cynthia would be in looking after them, Brian also went over the accounts and a few papers and checked how things were going before taking a quick diversion on his way to the airport.
Though there was still a few months to go, Christmas stock was already appearing in the stores and not knowing when he was going to get back to NYC again, Brian decided to take the opportunity to look for something for Gus.
Justin’s thirtieth was the next birthday in the family, though of course the toys Brian had in mind for him wouldn’t be found at Schwarz’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For once, Brian managed to resist the urge to visit his normal haunts on this street of designer outlets. Fao Schwarz Toy Store on Fifth Avenue was packed with oversized, unusual, fascinating and very expensive merchandise, and were very selective about the unique and curious toys and gadgets they sold.
Once inside the place, Brian realized how much Gus would have enjoyed himself there and made a mental note to bring him to NYC with him for a treat and to pay the store a visit together. It was a great place to spend the day, with the store’s opening ceremony welcoming its visitors to participate in a magical experience that included performances on the larger-than-life Dance-On-Piano, story-time, product demonstrations throughout the store, rides on the Motion Simulator, treats at FAO Schweetz, and opportunities to interact with their fantasy characters as they roamed the store. In fact Brian chuckled to himself; Justin would probably love the place too and he decided they should all come together next time.
In fact, the choice of toys and games was pretty overwhelming and Brian couldn’t decide whether to purchase a ‘Make your own Monster Kit,’ the latest video game or a moving and somewhat realistic dinosaur.
Of course there was always the Harry Potter Illuminating Wand to fall back on, still a sure fire hit.
Spoilt for choice, Brian sighed and picking up the box, turned it over to read the instructions; seeing if those other three little words might ruin the day if not catered for. You know the ones: ‘Batteries Not Included’.
“Mom … can we go look at the Barbie collection?” asked the young voice from further down the aisle.
“Haven’t you got enough Barbie’s?” enquired the woman apparently accompanying her and who was only a couple of feet away from Brian and studying the shelves on the opposite side of the aisle. Brian blinked and looked up, convinced he recognized the adult’s voice.
“You can never have enough Barbies,” came the youngster’s assertive answer.
Looking over his shoulder, Brian first registered on the girl. She was still around 15 feet away, but he could see she was very pretty, looked to be around Gus’ age, or maybe a little younger and very striking, with her light brown, long wavy hair and honey-colored complexion.
“Mom … can we?” the youngster called out again and keen to head off and Brian turned his attention to the women the girl had been addressing and who was now behind him. Turning around, Brian was stopped in his tracks. Surely this wasn’t who the youngster had been addressing?
“Daphne?” And Brian then smiled warmly, though more than a little surprised, at the startled young woman who had turned to face him.
Concentrating on the toys, Daphne had been vaguely aware that she’d been moving behind another customer, but hearing her name so close and so unexpectedly, she’d shot round and found herself looking straight at Brian Kinney.
“Oh … hello Brian,” she answered him and smiling nervously in return and Brian saw Daphne catch herself as she quickly looked around to see if anyone was with him. Brian blinked in confusion at how jumpy Daphne seemed to be.
“Is that for Gus?” she asked him quickly, indicating the box he was holding and Brian nodded. “I think so … I dunno … I haven’t really made my mind up,” came the answer.
Seeing the interaction and smiles exchanged between the adults, the girl had moved closer. Seemingly, the man wasn’t a stranger and, therefore, someone she needn’t be afraid of, as had been drummed into her all her life.
“Hi.“ Having approached, the girl smiled up at him, a huge smile that lit up her entire face and Brian found himself looking into startlingly pale eyes. He blinked.
“Hi,” answered Brian eventually and he couldn’t help grinning to himself as the girl held out her hand, very directly and obviously full of confidence.
“Pleased to meet you … what’s your name?” she asked him.
“Don’t be rude,” Daphne told her and then she turned back to Brian. “I’m sorry … you’re obviously very busy …”
“Not too busy for an old friend,” answered Brian and then he smiled back at the youngster.
Taking a few moments to answer, Brian studied her, his brain working overtime. Reaching out, he took the child‘s small hand in his own and gently shook it.
“My name’s Brian Kinney,” he told her.
“What’s yours?” and as they dropped hands, Daphne placed her arm around the girl’s shoulders and Brian was sure he saw her stiffen.
“I’m Soleil Chanders,” came the answer.
“It’s French … the Soleil part …”
“I bet you don’t know what it means,” she challenged him, her chin held high and demonstrating again that confidence Brian had earlier detected: Confidence and assuredness that was pretty familiar to him.
Brian smiled. “I bet I do,” he told her, looking up at Daphne and pausing before returning his attention back at Soleil and continuing:
“It means Sunshine.”
To be continued.
Very many thanks for Lois and Judy.
Passing by Gus’ door to get to his office, Brian stopped and listened. He could hear Gus’ tv on with his favorite Spiderman DVD masking any other noises. Brian took hold of the door handle but then paused, deciding to give Gus just a little more time to calm down and think about what he’d said.
For thirty minutes, Brian just stared at the papers; nothing was registering. He was still worrying about the situation with Gus and he looked at his watch. It was about forty-five minutes now since Gus’ outburst, and just as he was about to get up and go and see how the boy was doing, there was a quiet knock on the open door of his small office and he looked around to find his son standing there.
“Hi champ,” greeted Brian as he turned away from his desk, only to have his son burst into tears and quickly cross the short distance between them, before throwing himself into his father’s arms.
“Dad … I’m sorry …”
Brian closed his eyes and held his son tightly, stroking the boy‘s hair. “Hey … it’s okay,” whispered Brian. “And it means a lot that you came to say that,” and he pulled back to look at him, gently wiping away Gus’ tears with his thumbs.
“I didn’t mean to say those things and call you names,” choked Gus and Brian nodded. “I know … and I hope you remember to say that to Justin too,” reminded Brian and Gus nodded.
“You know … those names … I know they hurt … but they are only words, Gus … and it’s only ignorant people who need to use them.”
“Why … why do they say those things?” asked Gus and for the first time in a little while, Brian pulled his son onto his lap. Thankfully, he wasn’t yet too big for a cuddle. Neither of them were.
“People are afraid of things they don’t really understand … or of anyone or anything they think are different.”
“But there are lots of people like Justin and me … I mean there’s Michael and Ben … Emmett and Ted … and they’re only the people we know … there’s lots more besides.”
“And your moms of course,” reminded Brian and Gus frowned.
“So being gay isn’t strange?” asked Gus and reaching out, Brian brushed the hair back from the youngsters eyes.
“Some people think it is … some people even think it’s evil …” and Brian leaned in nearer, almost conspiratorially.
“Do you think me or Justin are evil?” asked Brian and his son shook his head.
“Or Em?” continued Brian, raising his eyebrow and poking his son gently in the tummy and Gus chuckled.
“Emmett?”
“Emmett,” confirmed Brian and Gus chuckled more. “That’s dumb.”
“Yes … it is,” confirmed Brian and Gus sighed and Brian could see he was thinking about something before finally:
“Am I gay?” asked Gus out of the blue and Brian frowned. He knew some guys were late starters, but by the time he was Gus’ age, Brian knew he had no interest in girls and it wasn’t just the normal adolescent revulsion at having to kiss female relatives or forced to sit next to girls in class.
Brian could still clearly remember kissing Amy Linsdale in fourth grade while joining in a game of Kiss Chase in the school yard. She was a pretty little thing with big brown eyes and pigtails and Brian, tall for his age and already regarded as cute by the girls, was obviously her target and a game of ‘chase me, I wanna get caught’ had resulted in Brian being egged on by the other boys to go after her. Even at that tender age, Amy knew exactly what she wanted. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out to be the same for Brian, who having caught her, then found the whole kissing thing pretty repulsive. Until of course he kissed his first boy … but that’s another story …
“Dad?”
Brian blinked and leaving memory lane behind, smiled at his son.
“Do you think you’re gay?” he asked him and Gus shrugged and then clearly blushed.
“There is this girl at school … Carol-Ann … she’s pretty,” and then suddenly, Gus frowned.
“Would you care?” he asked him and Brian shrugged. “About what?” and he saw Gus bite his lip before answering.
“If I wasn’t gay,” Gus continued and smiling, Brian shook his head.
“The only thing I care about … is that you’re happy.”
“You just grow up to be who you are, Gus,” stated Brian earnestly, knowing how hard it was to grow up around people and not be who you wanted to be: who you are. Brian had been thirty before his mom knew he was gay and although Brian had always contended that it was nobody’s business but his own, and still believed it, he hoped that Gus would always be able to be honest around the people he loved and who loved him.
“I’m sorry,” repeated the youngster. “I know, Gus … it’s okay,” and then they both glanced round as movement caught their eyes.
Justin was also finding it difficult to concentrate on anything, his mind wandering from one thing to another and he was making his way downstairs to the living room to collect a file he’d left there the previous evening. Plus it was also an excuse to pass by Gus’ room to see how the boy was doing.
Having seen Gus was in Brian’s office with him and not wanting to interrupt, Justin had walked quietly by. But having seen him, Gus looked back at his dad, asking the unspoken question and Brian nodded. “Go on,” he told him.
“Justin.” Climbing off Brian’s lap, Gus walked over to the doorway as Justin, hearing the youngster call out for him, retraced his steps along the hallway.
“Hi Gus,” Justin smiled at him, only for the boy to reach out and hug him, his arms tight around Justin’s waist.
“I’m sorry I was so mean to you earlier,” the youngster told him and he looked up at him and then back at his dad.
“And I love having you as my dads … really I do,“ stated Gus and Brian and Justin grinned at each other before Justin squeezed the boy’s shoulder.
“It sounded like you’d been having a tough time at school,” stated Justin and Gus nodded.
“But dad explained … I won’t let the other kids bother me any more,” the boy continued and Justin nodded and glanced at Brian. Mentally, both men crossed their fingers, but they knew it was doubtful that Gus wouldn’t hear those insults again.
“Gus,” called out Brian, and turning around, the boy walked back to him and reaching out, Brian took hold of his hand and drew him in.
“Promise me … promise both of us … that if any kids call you names or upset you again … that you’ll tell us,” stated Brian and Gus nodded. “I will dad,” promised his son and Brian smiled but then frowned at him.
“Do you still feel like going to your game?” he asked him and Gus nodded.
“Then why don’t you go and call Tyler and tell him that we’ll drive you today,” continued Brian, wanting to spend as much time with his son as possible and make sure he was genuinely okay. But also at the back of his mind was the feeling that he didn’t want to let him out of his sight.
“Okay,” agreed Gus and he trotted downstairs to use the phone in the living room.
“Is he okay?” asked Justin, eager for confirmation, once Gus had left them. “I think so,” answered Brian.
“He asked me if he was gay … and then he said there was a pretty little girl at school …”
“Uh-Oh,”
“Sounds like that ‘father-son’ conversation is overdue,” Justin grinned at him and Brian shook his head and groaned. “That’s something I used to think I’d never have to do,” he admitted, not exactly looking forward to it and having hoped that school had taken care of that particular topic.
Sighing heavily, Brian closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “I should never have told Joan about him.”
“Have you said anything about Joan yet?” asked Justin and opening his eyes again, Brian shook his head.
“I’ll tell him later … after his game … I don’t want to spoil that for him,” stated Brian, dreading how he was going to tell the boy he wasn’t going to be able to see his grandma any more and not be the bad guy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As it was, Gus didn’t particularly have a good game though he wasn’t the only one. The whole team seemed a little below par and suffered their first defeat of the new season. But as usual, Brian, Justin and Gus stopped off on the way home for a burger; a welcomed postponement for what Brian knew was to come later.
And getting home, Brian steered Gus into the living room, sitting him down on the sofa and taking his place beside him, while Justin took a seat in an armchair.
“Gus … there’s something we have to talk about,” stated Brian and he took a deep breath.
Gus blinked and looked from his dad to Justin and then back again. Were they still mad at him about this morning, he wondered and he saw his father swallow.
“It’s about grandma … grandma Joan.”
Taking joint responsibility for Gus, Brian and Justin had talked during the game and had been considering what the boy should be told.
It wasn’t easy to reach a decision. How much should Gus be told? Should he be lied to with some made up excuse as to why he couldn’t see his grandma? Something about Joan’s health maybe? Or should they simply tell him the truth?
In the end, there wasn’t anything else to be done. If Gus found out later that he’d been lied to, he’d probably be even more upset.
“Grandma … grandma Joan doesn’t think you should be brought up by Justin and me,” Brian told him, giving it to him straight, but his tone quiet so as not to worry the boy.
“Why?” asked Gus in confusion and Brian looked over at Justin and then back at his son.
“Because we’re gay,” stated Brian, matter of factly.
“But you’re my dad,” answered Gus, still bewildered and Brian nodded. “And your grandma’s my mom … but she doesn’t approve of the way I am.”
“She wants you to go and live with her,” and taking a deep breath and preparing himself for the worst, Brian asked the question he couldn’t avoid knowing the answer to.
“What do you think about that?” asked Brian and Gus frowned. “I love grandma … but I don’t want to live with her.”
“Do you want me to?” asked Gus, accusingly but reaching out, Brian drew him in closer.
“No … of course not … we want you here with us …” Brian hesitated. Gus obviously cared about his grandma and he hated to burst the boy’s bubble and act so mean at the same time.
Telling Gus that his grandma was threatening to go to court and have him taken away from them would scare him unnecessarily at this juncture, decided Brian, still hoping to talk some sense into Joan before it got to that point and there was no way he wanted to deliberately worry Gus.
Putting his arm around Gus and hugging him, Brian sought to reassure him. “I think it would be a good idea if you didn’t spend any more time with grandma … just for a while … while we get this sorted out,” suggested Brian and Gus nodded. “I guess,” he answered him, genuinely disappointed.
“You could talk to her on the phone … as long as Justin or I are with you,” offered Brian as some sort of compromise. “But I don’t think you should go see her … is that okay?”
“Okay dad,” replied Gus and Brian smiled at him. “Good boy … now … why don’t you get that latest video game out … so I can whip your butt …”
Gus grinned. “No way! … I beat you twice already,” he reminded him triumphantly and Brian nodded and then suddenly and without warning, scooped Gus up, pulling him onto his lap and he started to tickle his son. “But I‘m gonna get you back,” he told him and eventually, a giggling and happy twelve year old, squirmed out of his father‘s hold and ran upstairs to collect the game.
Justin smiled at Brian. “You handled that well,” he told him, once Gus was out of earshot and getting up, Justin crossed the floor to sit beside him.
“One day … you should tell him … what you went through when you were growing up,” suggested Justin and Brian shrugged.
“Maybe … when he’s old enough to understand.”
“In the meantime … I don’t wanna fill the kid’s head with horror stories,” answered Brian.
“Do you think you’ll be able to talk her round?” asked Justin and Brian shrugged. “I hope so … but I know one thing for sure.”
“What’s that?” asked Justin frowning.
“I’m gonna fucking kill Debbie next time I see her,” Brian informed him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meeting with his attorney at the first opportunity, Brian only had his worst fears confirmed. If Joan could produce witnesses to Brian’s past lifestyle; the men, the drugs and the alcohol, together with proof of Gus’ problems at school, she could very well make a good case for guardianship.
“Prepare for a visit from Child Welfare Services,” Mike Brubaker warned him and Brian groaned.
“Well … that would be part of my game plan,” the other man continued.
“Could they just turn up and take him?” asked Brian fearfully and Mike shook his head.
“Not if Gus wasn’t in any immediate danger.”
“Think about it … if that was possible … I would have expected Mrs. Kinney to have already attempted it.”
“Good,” sighed Brian in relief.
“But it could turn ugly if it does go to court … or if it could be proved that Gus was at risk from emotional, physical … or sexual abuse,” Mike informed him.
“What we need to do is go through all the positives in Gus’ life …”
“But that doesn’t cancel out my past … does it?” suggested Brian and Mike shrugged. Thankfully, Mike had known Brian for years and knew pretty much what could exactly be held against the man. Hell, Brian had even done him.
“No,” Mike admitted. “But what we have to do is make a case for now … remind everyone how you totally changed your life around once you took responsibility for Gus.”
“How you moved back from New York … re-arranged your work … bought a house … employed a house-keeper …”
“Plus the fact that you’re now in a committed, monogamous relationship.”
Brian shook his head, closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose: ‘Committed … monogamous … relationship.’
Jesus H. It wasn’t that long ago that those three words wouldn’t even have entered his vocabulary. But thankfully, now they would. Together with those other three little words of course, that Brian now found himself able to say.
“I’ll start to pull something together,” stated Mike and both men rose to their feet and shook hands.
“And don’t worry,” Mike told him as Brian smiled feebly. But that was easy for someone else to say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian knew that the best thing he could do, was try and talk Joan round, even though it sickened him to have to admit it. And having left his attorney’s office, Brian again visited his childhood home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you again so quickly,” Joan admitted as she opened the door to him and Brian tried his best to smile pleasantly.
“Well … maybe we both said things we shouldn’t have.”
“We’ve had time to cool off …”
“I meant every word I said,” Joan told him as she closed the door and made her way into the parlor. Brian followed her and while Joan sat, her son remained standing.
“There is absolutely no case to be made for you to claim rights to my son,” stated Brian, trying to remain cool and calm while his mother, the Ice Queen, sat regally in her chair, with her hands folded in her lap, as if holding court.
“Is that what your attorney told you?” Joan asked him. “I think you’re wasting your money … once your past comes to light … do you really think you have a chance of keeping Gus?”
Momentarily, Brian closed his eyes. “My past …” and he shook his head. “You’re determined to bring that up,” and Brian felt the anger start to bubble inside and before he knew it:
“Did it ever occur to you just how much influence you had in creating who I became?”
“You and Jack?“ asked Brian and he saw his mother straighten.
“Are you saying your father and I made you … made you …“ stuttered Joan and Brian’s bile rose further.
“A homosexual … go on … say it!”
“You can’t … can you?” accused Brian, reliving again the disappointment he remembered feeling the first time around when his mother couldn’t or wouldn’t recognize who or what he was.
“Well if it wasn’t you and dad … I don’t know wherever the hell else I came from,” stated Brian and he saw Joan blink and look away.
“So you’re saying it is our fault …” she continued, looking back and Brian nodded.
“The same as if I’d turned out with blue eyes … or left-handed …“
“Don’t you dare stand there and tell me it’s a perfectly natural occurrence,” interrupted Joan.
“There is absolutely nothing natural with the practices in which you indulge,” his mother informed him and Brian now shook his head in exasperation.
“You’re wrong … but it wasn’t just that I was talking about,” Brian continued and Joan frowned in confusion.
Brian paused. If only his mother could understand and accept how it had been, maybe there was still a chance.
He wanted to tell her that the reason he used all those men, the drugs and the alcohol, was to try and shut out any part of him that might feel anything. Or at least those feelings that his father hadn’t beaten out of him already. Brian felt his stomach muscles tighten. How could facing his mother like this, at his age, still make him feel like a child? A child who, if challenged, would have denied craving his mother’s love. But it would be a very strange child who didn’t crave it.
Inwardly, Brian sighed. He wasn’t a child any longer, but nevertheless, there were things he knew he would never be able to discuss with his mother. But surely she understood his feelings on one particular subject? And this seemed the exact time to bring it up.
“Have you really no idea at all … how it felt to be told constantly that I should have been aborted?” accused Brian.
“Or how it felt to never know what mood dad was gonna come home in?” he continued, knowing full well his mother would understand this at least. When Jack was drunk, which was often, he’d fight anyone. Even a child less than half his size. And, for the first time, he thought he actually saw a flicker of guilt on his mother’s face. But a flicker that all so quickly disappeared again, leaving Brian even more angry than before at how she could still deny his feelings. An anger he was now in danger of unleashing.
“But as for you … you shut yourself off from us … you were at church more times than you were looking out for Claire and me … and then when you were at home you usually turned your attention to the sherry bottle …”
“How dare you!” rounded Joan, indignantly, but having started, Brian wasn’t finished.
Unfortunately, Brian’s reined-in temper had now totally got the better of him and that quiet, calm conversation he’d hoped to have with his mother, had just flown out the window.
“Before you accuse me of how I lived my life … why don’t you look at yours?”
“Yours and dad’s marriage was a total sham …”
“You barely spoke … when you bothered to come home from church …“
“And we all know dad fucked anything in a skirt that would have him … he certainly wasn‘t getting anything from you …”
“Get out!” demanded Joan, getting to her feet and she clutched at her chest. It was probably indigestion brought on by the unpleasantness now heaped upon her. Joan had been getting those pains just lately and had put it down to tension, having decided upon the course of action she would be taking against her son.
“Oh I’m going.”
“But by the way … Gus has told me what went on at school … you’ll be pleased to know that’s all straightened out … but I’ve told him he’s not to see you any more,”
“So stay away from me and my family,” yelled Brian and turning on his heel, he left. Furious with himself that he’d allowed his emotions to get the better of him, but mildly elated at telling Joan a few home truths.
And Brian was still quietly seething when he got home that evening, but what was done was done. The most important thing now was to act perfectly normally and not to allow Gus to suspect there was anything serious to worry about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With every passing day, Brian expected the phone to ring or a letter to arrive to announce a visit by Child Welfare Services. Though of course it was totally conceivable that they might just arrive unannounced.
Brian was determined they wouldn’t alter anything they did. Why should they? Neither he nor Justin could deny anything they’d done in the past; there had always been too many witnesses for a start. But he considered they now had absolutely nothing to hide and the only fact that they were two men, was really the only difference to how Gus was being raised.
However, Brian hadn’t been away to the NYC office for a couple of months and Cynthia was anxious he fly in to see a couple of new accounts who were eager to meet him and who would only sign on the dotted line once they had.
“It will be fine,” Justin told him in reassurance. “I’m not going anywhere … and I’ll make damn sure I take him to school or soccer practice … anywhere he wants to go … and collect him.”
Since Brian’s last conversation with Joan, Brian and Justin made sure that one of them personally delivered and collected Gus everywhere. Brubaker had assured them that Gus couldn’t be removed without warning, but Brian didn’t want to take chances and had warned Gus‘ school to inform either him or Justin immediately, if anyone turned up asking for him.
“Okay,” agreed Brian finally, and overcoming his initial reluctance, made arrangements to fly out for a two-night stay in the Big Apple. A visit Brian would never forget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having assured both the new clients of his attention, even though he emphasized just how competent Cynthia would be in looking after them, Brian also went over the accounts and a few papers and checked how things were going before taking a quick diversion on his way to the airport.
Though there was still a few months to go, Christmas stock was already appearing in the stores and not knowing when he was going to get back to NYC again, Brian decided to take the opportunity to look for something for Gus.
Justin’s thirtieth was the next birthday in the family, though of course the toys Brian had in mind for him wouldn’t be found at Schwarz’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For once, Brian managed to resist the urge to visit his normal haunts on this street of designer outlets. Fao Schwarz Toy Store on Fifth Avenue was packed with oversized, unusual, fascinating and very expensive merchandise, and were very selective about the unique and curious toys and gadgets they sold.
Once inside the place, Brian realized how much Gus would have enjoyed himself there and made a mental note to bring him to NYC with him for a treat and to pay the store a visit together. It was a great place to spend the day, with the store’s opening ceremony welcoming its visitors to participate in a magical experience that included performances on the larger-than-life Dance-On-Piano, story-time, product demonstrations throughout the store, rides on the Motion Simulator, treats at FAO Schweetz, and opportunities to interact with their fantasy characters as they roamed the store. In fact Brian chuckled to himself; Justin would probably love the place too and he decided they should all come together next time.
In fact, the choice of toys and games was pretty overwhelming and Brian couldn’t decide whether to purchase a ‘Make your own Monster Kit,’ the latest video game or a moving and somewhat realistic dinosaur.
Of course there was always the Harry Potter Illuminating Wand to fall back on, still a sure fire hit.
Spoilt for choice, Brian sighed and picking up the box, turned it over to read the instructions; seeing if those other three little words might ruin the day if not catered for. You know the ones: ‘Batteries Not Included’.
“Mom … can we go look at the Barbie collection?” asked the young voice from further down the aisle.
“Haven’t you got enough Barbie’s?” enquired the woman apparently accompanying her and who was only a couple of feet away from Brian and studying the shelves on the opposite side of the aisle. Brian blinked and looked up, convinced he recognized the adult’s voice.
“You can never have enough Barbies,” came the youngster’s assertive answer.
Looking over his shoulder, Brian first registered on the girl. She was still around 15 feet away, but he could see she was very pretty, looked to be around Gus’ age, or maybe a little younger and very striking, with her light brown, long wavy hair and honey-colored complexion.
“Mom … can we?” the youngster called out again and keen to head off and Brian turned his attention to the women the girl had been addressing and who was now behind him. Turning around, Brian was stopped in his tracks. Surely this wasn’t who the youngster had been addressing?
“Daphne?” And Brian then smiled warmly, though more than a little surprised, at the startled young woman who had turned to face him.
Concentrating on the toys, Daphne had been vaguely aware that she’d been moving behind another customer, but hearing her name so close and so unexpectedly, she’d shot round and found herself looking straight at Brian Kinney.
“Oh … hello Brian,” she answered him and smiling nervously in return and Brian saw Daphne catch herself as she quickly looked around to see if anyone was with him. Brian blinked in confusion at how jumpy Daphne seemed to be.
“Is that for Gus?” she asked him quickly, indicating the box he was holding and Brian nodded. “I think so … I dunno … I haven’t really made my mind up,” came the answer.
Seeing the interaction and smiles exchanged between the adults, the girl had moved closer. Seemingly, the man wasn’t a stranger and, therefore, someone she needn’t be afraid of, as had been drummed into her all her life.
“Hi.“ Having approached, the girl smiled up at him, a huge smile that lit up her entire face and Brian found himself looking into startlingly pale eyes. He blinked.
“Hi,” answered Brian eventually and he couldn’t help grinning to himself as the girl held out her hand, very directly and obviously full of confidence.
“Pleased to meet you … what’s your name?” she asked him.
“Don’t be rude,” Daphne told her and then she turned back to Brian. “I’m sorry … you’re obviously very busy …”
“Not too busy for an old friend,” answered Brian and then he smiled back at the youngster.
Taking a few moments to answer, Brian studied her, his brain working overtime. Reaching out, he took the child‘s small hand in his own and gently shook it.
“My name’s Brian Kinney,” he told her.
“What’s yours?” and as they dropped hands, Daphne placed her arm around the girl’s shoulders and Brian was sure he saw her stiffen.
“I’m Soleil Chanders,” came the answer.
“It’s French … the Soleil part …”
“I bet you don’t know what it means,” she challenged him, her chin held high and demonstrating again that confidence Brian had earlier detected: Confidence and assuredness that was pretty familiar to him.
Brian smiled. “I bet I do,” he told her, looking up at Daphne and pausing before returning his attention back at Soleil and continuing:
“It means Sunshine.”
To be continued.
Very many thanks for Lois and Judy.