Missing You *oneshot*
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: M (for angst not smut)
Length: 7K
There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight (X)
The magazine was snatched up into greedy hands and he hurriedly skimmed through the pages before the photo-shoot he wanted was located. Dark hair, styled a little too oddly for his tastes, wide eyes and smirking lips peered up at him through the glossy pages and it hit Jongup like a punch in the chest.
The Twitter fan account he followed had posted the new images earlier that week but he hated seeing them on a computer screen and had purposely stayed away. As soon as he knew the magazine was out he had left the darkroom early in his excitement to buy the thick fashion magazine to add to his collection. Junhong called it an altar, but he was proud and he liked being surrounded by his pictures. Sometimes when he was a little lonelier than normal, a little more sad than he could handle, he could pull those magazines out and see that everything that had happened was worth it.
That leaving him was the best thing Jongup ever did for Himchan.
---
*present time*
“You work tonight?” Junhong rummaged through his fridge searching for the orange juice he knew was in there. Jongup didn’t drink it, had only bought it for his best friend’s annoyingly frequent visits, so there had to be some left over from last time. “Me and Youngjae are going to go the arcade if you want to come with. He lost at Dance Dance Revolution last time so he has to pay for all the games tonight.”
Jongup shrugged, continuing to organize his bookcase of magazines and newspapers and not hearing a word Junhong said. “Maybe.”
With a sigh, Junhong jerked the newest magazine towards him and flipped through it. “You’re just making it worse for yourself, Jongup. Let it go.” He threw his arm out towards the bookcase covered with dozens of pictures of Himchan’s face and every article about him he could find. “Let Himchan go.”
He carefully pried the papers out of Junhong’s hands, growling at the crinkles he put in them. “I’m proud of him, Junhong. I don’t call him, I don’t write him, I don’t even go to his shows when he’s in Korea. Let me have this one thing.”
His best friend still didn’t look convinced. “I’m not worried about him. I’m worried about you. It’s been eight months, Jongup. You need to get back out there. Let me find you a date.”
The grimace on his face was almost comical. “No thanks. If he’s not Himchan then I don’t care.”
“You’re the one that left. You could have still had him if you weren’t so stupid.”
Jongup had heard all of the meaningless insults before. He knew Junhong was just concerned and didn’t mean what he was saying.
“If I had stayed he wouldn’t have taken the modeling jobs. He told me that himself.”
Junhong shrugged, tilting the bottle back and finishing his juice. “Well I still say you’re an idiot for what you did. He’s a big boy and can make his own decisions. And you need more juice.”
He added it to his shopping list, rolling his eyes. “I think I need better friends more than I need the juice.”
The loud shriek he gave as Junhong grabbed him around the waist turned into pleading giggles the longer he tickled him.
“Who’s your best friend you asshole?”
Jongup gasped out his name, finally managing to push the taller boy away. “Jesus, go bug Youngjae. I have to go to bed early tonight anyways. There’s a wedding shoot tomorrow.” He had strict orders to be there at least three hours before the wedding. “Have fun with Jae and try not to cry when he kicks your ass at Skee-Ball again.”
“That was one time and it was five years ago!” Junhong screeched, trying to hang onto the doorframe even though Jongup was pushing him out. “He was cheating!”
---
*three years earlier*
“How many pictures have you taken? Damn, sit down and take a drink or something.” The groom drunkenly patted him on the back and pointed towards the bar. “She’s surrounded by dozens of people telling her how pretty she is. She won’t even notice you’re missing.”
He laughed as the man stumbled and fell against his shoulder. “I think maybe you should be the one to take a break. Do you want me to get you some coffee?”
“Coffee…” The groom muttered. His face was pressed right on top of Jongup’s cheek and he could smell the sour taste of bourbon on his breath. “Coffee and the Maid of Honor. Can you do that?”
“Alright Romeo.” Another man appeared on the other side just out of Jongup’s view. He took the groom’s other arm and slung it over his shoulder. “Let’s get you to the back so you can sober up before mom sees and kills me for letting you drink.”
They dragged him out a side door and down the hall towards the dressing rooms. Jongup was glad for the help but he could tell he was doing most of the lifting because the new man was tripping along beside him, alcohol obviously running thick through his system too.
“Here you go, little brother.” The groom found himself dropped unceremoniously onto a chair, his head slumping awkwardly on his neck. “Stay here and I’ll bring you something to eat.”
He turned around and Jongup got a look at his face for the first time, immediately recognizing him as the Best Man. His eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, but his smile was bright enough to light the room. Jongup had noticed him during the wedding of course. He was trained to notice pretty things, but customers were always off limits for him. He was a professional to the end.
Unless they had jet black eyes and adorably over-sized front teeth. Then he was screwed.
“Hi. You’re Jongup, right? The photographer?” At Jongup’s nod, the grin on the taller man’s lips grew bigger. “Our mom was really excited to book you for Chunghee’s wedding. She said you did a friend’s fiftieth anniversary and your pictures were amazing.”
The compliment made his cheeks warm. No matter how many shoots he did or how many times someone told him they loved it, he still blushed because he would always think his work was average at best.
“Thanks.” He murmured, turning towards the door. “Good luck with your brother.”
“Wait!” The man grabbed his wrist and shot him a pouty expression. Jongup was suddenly thankful for the extra photos he had snuck of him during the ceremony because he was beautiful. “Chunghee was right. You need a break. Come get some food with me.” Jongup started to shake his head but the other wouldn’t hear of it. “Just ask anyone here that knows me: I always get what I want.”
---
*present time*
Jongup made sure to do his equipment check before bedtime, just in case he needed to run to the store for something. He made sure his camera battery was fully charged and that he had two spare batteries on hand for emergencies. The bulb he used for the more professional looking shots was checked and packed up carefully so it wouldn’t break. The only thing he realized he had forgotten was the stash of water bottles and granola bars he kept in the bottom of his bag so he didn’t go hungry the entire day. Not every employer thought to make sure he ate.
Himchan’s drunken smile and the thin fingers that pulled him out of the dressing room towards the buffet table slammed into his mind like a truck. He could close his eyes and still taste the lukewarm beer and spicy noodles Himchan kept putting to his lips.
“Stop it.” He muttered to himself.
It was only seven so the convenience store down the street would still be open at least. The grocery store closed at six so it was too late for any of the expensive bars he preferred. He would have to make do on cheap candy and gum for the day.
You’re missing a great time. Junhong won at the basketball toss game and got so excited he threw his hands out and punched an old woman.
Jongup laughed at Youngjae’s text, quickly typing back that he wished he could be there. They had been his best friends since high school and he rarely got to see them anymore unless they forced their way into his house and demanded that he left the darkroom.
Ever since he had moved out of him and Himchan’s apartment his entire day was filled from sun up to sun down. He couldn’t let himself have a single second of time to think because thinking always brought memories and with the memories came the regrets.
The only time he let himself think about Himchan was when he organized his collection of magazines or rushed out to buy a new one. He had to use it as a tool to keep telling himself he had done the right thing by leaving because if Himchan had stayed he would have kept taking jobs with local catalogs or modeling for fashion shows for stores in the mall. This was a way to make his face known internationally and he had been picked up by several major labels almost immediately.
Junhong said you have a shoot tomorrow. Want to come over and watch a movie with us tomorrow night?
He loved Youngjae for trying to get him out of the house but when he typed back a firm No it wasn’t because he needed time to mope or wanted to be by himself. It was because weddings never failed to completely exhaust him. He would need at least fourteen hours of sleep afterwards to not want to feel like killing himself.
---
*fifteen months earlier*
“You better be getting paid overtime for this.” Himchan met him at the door of their apartment with hands on his hips and brows pulled down into a frown. “It’s ten at night, Jongup. You’ve been gone fourteen hours. Did you even eat?”
He yawned, shaking his head no and tiredly slipping off his dress shoes. The tie he had been told to wear was so tight around his neck at this point that he thought he would need to cut it to get out of it. He tried to pull it off but Himchan sighed and moved his hands away.
“Stop and let me do it. You’re going to ruin your only tie. Why won’t you let me buy you some new ones? You look like a hobo going to all of these events in the same suit every time.” The mean words were covered up by the careful way Himchan slid the tie off his head and started to unbutton his shirt. “Come into the bathroom while I fill the tub.”
“Too tired.” Jongup let him lead the way anyways because he had learned a long time ago not to tell his boyfriend no. “Can’t I eat first?”
Himchan pushed him onto the toilet seat lid and started the water in their bathtub. “No. You smell like body odor and peanuts. How many of those disgusting granola bars did you eat today?”
“Six.” Jongup slumped over onto the counter beside him. “Get in with me. I’ll wake up faster.”
With a snort of amusement Himchan helped him back to his feet and finished unbuttoning the dark green dress shirt he wore everywhere. “One day this is going to meet an unfortunate end inside the washer.” He promised as he slid it off of Jongup’s shoulders. “If I take off your pants are you going to make a stupid joke?”
Jongup grinned up at him. “The last time you took my pants off in the bathroom I made love to you right here.” His palm slid across the porcelain counter and he could see Himchan’s fists tightening out of the corner of his eye. “And I watched your face in the mirror as you moaned my n-“
“Alright that’s it take your own damn clothes off.” Himchan poked him hard in the ribs before storming out. “And don’t think you can get out of it by talking dirty to me! No way in hell are you coming into our bed smelling like a foot locker!” He yelled from the kitchen where Jongup could hear him slamming plates and pans around.
“Can I come into your mouth instead?”
The sound of something heavy hitting the floor made Jongup laugh. For all of Himchan’s big attitude Jongup loved that he could never quite handle it when he spoke words that would make a lesser man blush.
By the time he had slid into the tub and dunked his entire body under the water to wake up, Himchan was already back with a plate of leftover chicken. He let his boyfriend feed him a few bites with only the sound of comfortable silence between them.
“I don’t like it when you let them push you around like this.” Himchan spoke up. His fingers scratched circles against Jongup’s scalp and he smiled when the younger boy leaned into the touch with a soft purr. “You always do extra hours of retakes and then never even charge them for it. They’re taking advantage of you for being so sweet. My sweet baby.”
“I’m not sweet.” Jongup growled and bit at the fingers trying to push more food into his mouth. “I’m a hard-hearted asshole.”
Himchan set the plate to the side and reached for the bottle of shampoo. “You’re an angel Moon Jongup. And one day you’re going to wake up and see that I’m the real asshole and you’ll leave me.”
“I’d stay with you anyways just for your pretty face.” He jerked when Himchan’s fingers tugged angrily on his brown hair. “That was a compliment!”
“Shut up and rinse.”
He slipped under the water again, running his fingers through his hair to make sure all of the shampoo was gone. Himchan was waiting with a cloth and a bottle of body wash when he emerged and had rubbed all of the water out of his eyes.
“The more jobs I take the less you have to work at that god-awful restaurant.” He wondered if Himchan would be mad at him when he told the truth behind all of the extra shoots he had taken lately. “I know you hate working there and want to concentrate on modeling but-“
Himchan’s laughter had him cutting his confession short. “Stupid boy. I hate working there because my boss is a jerk not because I think I’m going to be a world famous model or anything. I would much rather have you home every night to eat supper with than to have a few hours off of work.” He slapped the soapy cloth against Jongup’s stomach. “I’d rather die than to keep having to watch you come home every night like a zombie.” Himchan sat back on the counter and spread his legs to the side with a smile. “Now come here. Let’s see if you’re really as tired as you say you are.”
---
*present time*
The mother of the bride was who had called him about photographing her daughter’s wedding. Unfortunately she’d been a little scatterbrained and had only enough time to tell him the address and date before she’d gotten another call and forgotten to call him back with specific shot preferences. Her husband had mailed the deposit check a few weeks earlier so Jongup figured he might as well just roll with it and maybe things would go smoothly for once.
“I need a shot of each member of the wedding party solo and with their partners.” The second he entered the spacious church she had grabbed him by the elbow and hurried him towards the back. “We also want ones of the bride with each of them and several of the entire family together.” She pointed to random items as they passed them and told him she wanted everything pictured so that the day would always be remembered.
Jongup nodded at all of the right times but he knew he would never be able to do everything she wanted even in the three hours of time allotted before the wedding. “Is there a spot you want me to start the individual photos at?” That way he could get them done in order of whoever was ready first and he wouldn’t have to wait.
She stopped suddenly and he barely managed not to run into her back. “Don’t you want to see the bride first?”
He tried not to groan at her assumption that this was the most important day in everyone that was present’s life. “I’m sure your daughter is beautiful. But normally the bride is the last person ready and it would be easier if I do everything else and then her last.”
“I’ll show him where to go.” A middle-aged man with a balding hairline and a belly that betrayed his love of sweets popped his head out of one of the rooms. “You go take care of our daughter and let’s let the photographer do his job the way he always does. Chunghee’s mother wouldn’t have recommended him if he wasn’t good.”
Jongup’s face paled as the man grabbed him by the elbow and turned him back towards the church. “Wait. Chunghee?”
“Worthless little shit.” The man grumbled under his breath. “Always showing up late to dinner and begging my daughter to give him money. Convinced her to marry him after only two months.”
“But… Chunghee?”
He had to hold carefully onto his bag because the clamminess forming on his palms was making his grip slip. The years of professionalism he had worked so hard to build up threatened to slip away with one name.
“Here we are.” He led them back to the front of the church and pointed to the steps leading to the alter. “I’ll go ahead and be first since I’m here.”
Jongup carefully placed his bag on the ground and started pulling his equipment out. He set the light pole up and aimed it carefully at the man posing patiently with a hand in his jacket. The routine monotony of work helped to calm his shaky fingers and slow his racing heart. What were the odds? How much did fate have it in for him?
Was Himchan here?
“Okay.” He forced a smile onto his lips and held the camera up to his eye. The man dropped his smile and put a dignified frown on his expression as Jongup took several test shots. “One more.”
After he was done he flipped through them making sure the lighting was right and that he had the flowers in the background in view.
“I’ll go tell them you’re ready whenever they want to come in.”
He took a few random shots around the sanctuary of the ribbons and flowers on the pews and of the light shining in through the stained glass windows.
“I’m next.” An unfamiliar voice interrupted him and he saw with relief that it wasn’t any of Chunghee’s friends that he had known. Possibly it was a different Chunghee and he could relax once he had seen the entire wedding party.
Jongup took shot after shot of groomsmen and bridesmaids and even a few of the two adorable flower girls.
“Ready for the groom?” His eyes closed in horror as the voice behind him spoke up teasingly.
“Congratulations Chunghee. We always figured you’d be on your fourth marriage by now. You’ve gotten more restrained in your old age.”
Chunghee clapped him on the back and grinned ear to ear. “Imagine my surprise when mom said she had convinced them to hire you for my wedding. I thought Himchan was going to cough up a lung when she told him. Best laugh of the night.”
Jongup felt betrayed that their mother had done this to him, to both of them. Neither of them deserved to be thrown back together like this.
“Let’s do this.” Chunghee had Himchan’s smile but the teeth were wrong and it didn’t make Jongup’s stomach turn into a mess of wings and flutters. “Himchan ran back to the dressing room to throw up so he’ll be last.” He blinked and the cocky attitude he had always known from Chunghee faded, showing the insecure man he had become. “I wish I could find someone who looked at me like he used to at you. I hope you’re happy with what you did to him.”
He opened his mouth to defend himself but Chunghee was already getting into his position on the steps, the arrogant smile forming again on his lips.
Chunghee made him take extra pictures of him from the left and the right so that he could decide which side was his better. It was only after the bride’s father came back out to tell him that he was needed did the groom decide he was done.
“I’ll send the last one in.” Chunghee’s mouth was pulled up but his eyes told Jongup to be on his best behavior. “Just a warning that if you make my brother cry on my wedding day then you’ll have my mother to deal with.”
Jongup thought that the acid building up in his stomach was going to come out at any moment. He could feel it burning a trail up his esophagus and across the back of his tongue. Eight months of only his magazines to remember Himchan by, eight months of cold sheets and no one to greet him at the door with a frown at midnight.
He wanted to go home and forget this job had ever happened.
He wanted Himchan.
The door to the hallway clicked open and Jongup’s heartbeat kicked into overdrive. He wasn’t ready for this, you should have longer to prepare for something this big, this wasn’t supposed to-
“Hey baby.”
---
*nine months earlier*
“They wanted me to start in three days.” Himchan casually picked through his salad, but his eyes were glaring wantonly at Jongup’s burger. “And my first show was supposed to be in two weeks.”
Jongup was using a magnifier to look at the slides from his last photography shoot. He hummed in reply as he scrawled a giant X through another one tucked inside the plastic sheet.
“Do you think you can take the car in to get the oil changed next Thursday?” The planner in front of Himchan’s placemat was covered in ink and reminder post-it notes. “I took an extra shift that morning so I won’t have time.”
“Sure.” He finally found a slide he thought would work so a circle covered it instead of the X. “This mom wanted her kid to be looking straight at the camera in every shot. I tried to tell her it was cute how she kept glancing down at her doll but she threw a-“ Jongup dropped the paper onto the table and pushed his glasses back up his nose to stare in confusion at his boyfriend. “Wait, I thought your new modeling job was starting? How are you taking extra shifts?”
Himchan stabbed a tomato and swirled it through the bowl, his lips tightening.
“No.” Jongup slammed his chair back from the table and leaned over until his face was right above Himchan’s. “Call them back right now and tell them you’ll be there.”
“They wanted me to go to Shanghai for twelve days and-“
He pushed Himchan’s cell phone forward and shook his head. “Call them back. Right now.”
“We can’t afford it, Jongup!” Himchan threw his arms out and pointed around the apartment. “Our rent practically doubled at the beginning of the year and this modeling job only pays minimum wage and I’m not risking our home!” His face crumpled and Jongup felt like a complete asshole for making him cry again. “And I’d miss you too much.”
Jongup’s jaw ticked as he stared at Himchan and the truth finally clicked into his brain for the first time. “You’re scared.” Himchan huffed and shook his head but Jongup knew in his heart that it was true and he felt like an idiot not to have seen it this whole time. “You’re too scared to try hard for this because you don’t want to fail. And you’re using our relationship as your excuse.”
Himchan rolled his eyes. He stormed towards the counter to grab his keys and hurriedly slipped his shoes on. “You’re an idiot if you think I’d ever use our relationship as an excuse for anything. I would rather be dead than be without you and you know it. Jongup first, modeling second.”
He slammed the door behind him and Jongup waited for it to crack open and Himchan’s sorry eyes to peer through like they did after every fight but it didn’t happen. He was right and he knew Himchan would continue to turn down every job that took him away for even the smallest amount of time. They’d keep going just as they had been for the last two and a half years with Jongup coming home at dark with a sore back and tired eyes and Himchan working double shifts at a restaurant that barely paid more than the costly dress clothes he had to wear.
There was no way he would even think about trying for a better job with Jongup in the back of his mind.
Jongup squeezed the edge of the table and tried to breathe through the burning creeping through his veins. It was his fault Himchan was stuck. He was holding him back and he had never even realized it.
He scrubbed his face clean of the sweat creeping along his hairline and forced himself to move towards his phone. “I’m sorry,” He murmured through numb lips as he dialed Junhong’s number.
“I need a favor.” He had to clear his throat of the lump threatening to choke him. “I need you to help me make Himchan break up with me.”
---
*present time*
The sound of his heartbeat was the only thing Jongup could hear until hesitant footsteps made their way toward him.
“Chunghee said you didn’t know I would be here.” Himchan’s voice was deeper than Jongup remembered it, the rough sound traveling straight to his belly and curling heavy and thick inside him. “Quite a shock, huh?”
Jongup took a few deep breaths to steady himself and counted to ten inside of his head. “I wouldn’t have taken it.” He didn’t want to look but he had to because his eyes were starved and desperate for the sight of him. “You told me you never wanted to see me again. I would have turned it down.”
When he finally lifted his eyes from the camera in his hands he had to clamp his teeth down sharply over his tongue because Himchan had always looked amazing to him, but right now he looked practically indecent. The photos he had waited impatiently for the day before must have been taken weeks ago because Himchan’s hair was longer now, almost in his eyes, and so soft looking that Jongup wanted to press his cheek against it and fall asleep just like they used to. His suit was obviously tailor-made to fit his measurements, the black linen molded to his legs.
The only thing that Jongup didn’t recognize, the part of Himchan that was wrong all wrong, was his eyes. They used to be happy and bright with happiness. These eyes were dull, a muted black color that didn’t match the ones from his memory.
“My mom likes your photographs. You know that. Of course she’d want you.” Himchan moved into the camera’s focal point and stood by patiently while Jongup fumbled with the buttons. “How’s Junhong?”
The camera thudded to the floor with a thump. Jongup muffled a curse coming out and prayed it wasn’t broken. He had thought to bring extras of everything he could possibly need but an extra camera was never on his list.
“F-Fine.” He peered through the view finder and breathed a sigh of relief when the image of Himchan’s blank face stared back at him instead of smudges and cracks like he had expected. “Junhong’s fine.”
“Tell him I said hello.” Himchan placed the same smile on his lips that Jongup looked at every day in his modeling photos. It was fake and showed not enough teeth and too much eyes. Jongup hated that smile. “And tell him that I’m not mad he was sleeping with my boyfriend and destroyed my life.”
---
*eight months earlier*
Junhong flinched away from Jongup, his back hitting the wall and hands coming up to block his best friend from coming any closer. “Are you really sure about this? I know I agreed to help but it makes me feel… It makes me feel like shit to be honest. And I’m not taking my shirt off don’t even ask.”
“We have to do it. He’ll never go if we don’t.” Jongup pulled his shirt off and reached for Junhong’s button-down top. “At least pull it out of your jeans and undo some buttons so it looks more realistic.” He huffed in annoyance when Junhong stared in horror at him. “He’s supposed to be home any second so if we’re going to do this then it has to be quick.”
“Fine.” Junhong undid the first three buttons of his shirt and yanked it out of his jeans, undoing the belt and then ruffling his hair. “Do I look thoroughly sexed?” He was still frozen as stiff as a tree and his eyes were wide and terrified but Jongup thought Himchan would be so infuriated that he wouldn’t do anything expect scream at Jongup and storm out of the house.
The sound of a door slamming shut outside had Jongup’s breathing pick up and his brain frantically rethought every detail of the plan he had been playing out over the last two weeks. A random text here and there that might have come off as too flirty for two friends to send to each other were purposely sent to his phone from Junhong’s when he knew Himchan was close enough to read them.
Those Himchan laughed off as Junhong just being a weird kid and needing to get out more.
Then the pictures came. Ones of Junhong shirtless. A few of him staring longingly into the camera with pouty lips and needy eyes.
Himchan had to give these a onceover. These caused him to start to question their friendship and why Junhong would send him something so obviously sexual.
He’s playing around, Jongup would joke. You know how Junhong is. He enjoys being a little freak.
His boyfriend would smile back but after the fourth or fifth one Jongup noticed the smile growing more and more strained and less trusting.
Now it was endgame time. Jongup knew Himchan had been offered another overseas modeling job. This one in New York and it was one he should have jumped for joy over. Instead he had shrugged and said it wasn’t for him.
Jongup had to finish this. He told himself it was for Himchan’s lifelong dream as he leaned towards Junhong’s thinned and pale lips. He promised himself as his mouth pressed against his best friend’s that one day Himchan would thank him for letting him go. And as his eyes closed he hoped that years later if he ever happened to run into his ex-boyfriend on the streets they would both be happy wherever they were in life.
---
*present time*
“Okay.” Jongup lowered the camera and turned his back towards Himchan. “I’m done. You can go back now.” When he didn’t hear footsteps moving away he looked over his shoulder and tried to look like he didn’t care. The hands squeezing so tightly onto his camera that he thought might break it were the only things giving him away. “Just because we were forced to see each other doesn’t mean we have to be sociable, Himchan. As soon as the wedding’s over I’ll go home and we can pretend this never happened.”
Himchan blinked, his shoulders dropping along with Jongup’s heart. “Oh… Okay.” The smile that Jongup despised was back on his face in a flash. “Good luck tonight. Not like you’ll need it. All of your shoots are amazing.”
He left the sanctuary without a look back. The door behind closed with a click that sounded to Jongup’s ears like either the end of something long and tiring or the beginning of something tumultuous and frightening.
The only good thing about being the little gay secret to the son of a conservative family was that none of them had known about their relationship so the night wasn’t as awkward as it could have been. Several of the Kim family members remembered him from Chunghee’s first wedding but no one picked up on how close he and Himchan had grown after that.
They had told Himchan’s parents that they were dating after they had been together for almost a year and while it wasn’t World War 3 it was a chilly reception to say the least. After a time Himchan’s parents had accepted the news and had even come to like Jongup but it was still uncomfortable that he had been personally chosen for the job by his ex-boyfriends mother.
Mrs. Kim could see the tension between the two while trying to organize the family photo and had thankfully stepped in and kept Himchan to the back where he would be furthest away from Jongup.
After the wedding (where Chunghee forgot his vows and had to have his almost-wife mouth them to him) all Jongup had to get through was the reception and it was dark, it was crowded, and it was easier to slip away from sight whenever he randomly got too close to Himchan.
“Here.”
He jumped back startled when a plate of food was slammed down onto the table in front of him. Jongup slid the phone he was using to hysterically text Youngjae and Junhong back into his pocket and eyed the food skeptically. “Are you wanting to sit here? I can move.”
Himchan pushed it closer but made sure to leave a safe distance between them. “You haven’t eaten anything all night except a candy bar and three pieces of gum. You’re starving and we both know it.” He realized his voice was verging on furious and shook his head. “Don’t be so stubborn all the time, Jongup. Maybe sometimes other people know what’s better for you than you do. Please eat?”
Jongup finally nodded and reached for the plate just so Himchan would go away and leave him to think and breathe in peace. The food was catered and expensive but every bite went down like sawdust and felt like acid in his stomach.
I’m not going to last the whole night.
The text back was sympathetic but he could hear Junhong’s I told you so even from here.
You’re almost done just grin and deal with it. Call me when you home.
He decided the night was over and he could slip out unnoticed when the groom fell asleep with his face smashed against a half-eaten slice of cake and the bride was in the bathroom crying after someone had spilled beer on her dress.
After gathering up all of his things Jongup made a mad dash towards the door and had made it halfway to the car when he heard Himchan shout his name from the reception hall’s doorway.
“Again? Seriously?” Himchan had dropped the hard expression he had used all night around everyone else and now looked like the normal Himchan that Jongup had known and loved. The one who still stuck his bottom lip out when he didn’t get his way and who woke up every morning with swollen eyes and wrinkles on his cheek from Jongup’s t-shirt. “You’re just going to walk out when I’m not looking again? Just leave me all alone with no clue at all what to do?”
“Himchan-“
“No. No, you don’t get to speak.” Himchan ripped the bag out of Jongup’s hands and threw it to the concrete without a care of whether he had broken anything. He gripped his fists into Jongup’s shirt and up close Jongup could see the bags under his eyes and thin lines around his lips that makeup had done a good job of covering all evening. “What did I do, Jongup? What can I do to fix it? Why did you do that to me?”
Jongup told himself that running his fingers through Himchan’s hair was a bad idea but he was exhausted and weak and it proved too tempting to resist. He closed his eyes and sighed in long-awaited relief when the pads of his fingers made contact with the feather soft strands and they rippled smoothly through his touch. “You made it.” He murmured, finally coming to his senses and realizing he needed to turn everything off again. The smell of Himchan’s cologne, the touch of his hair, the look of pure agony in his eyes, it all had to be switched to the off position again. “You did it, Himchan. I’m proud of you.”
Himchan buried his face into Jongup’s neck and sobbed against his flushed skin, arms leaving his shirt to wrap tightly around Jongup’s waist and bring him forward. “I don’t want it. Any of it. I want you. I’ll do anything.” He begged him. “Anything you want, I don’t even…” This time his voice broke and he barely finished his sentence. “I don’t even care about what happened with Junhong. I can’t live without you, Jonguppie. It’s too hard, it hurts too much.”
Memories slammed into him of the way Himchan had come inside the house and screamed at them both for what felt like hours until he had collapsed into the middle of the living room floor and pleaded brokenly for Jongup to take him back.
“Sto-“
“You left me, you just fucking left me, and I don’t even know what I did wrong! Was that why you always tried to make me leave? I told you I loved you more than modeling I love you more than any-”
“I love Junhong.”
The words stopped Himchan’s hysterics but his body slumped further into Jongup’s as the fight slowly left him.
He opened his mouth to take it back. Everything could be different if he told the truth right this second. If he told Himchan everything that had happened had been for his benefit but that he didn’t know it would have done this to him, Jongup knew Himchan would forgive him. They could be going home together in a heartbeat.
But the lie was too big now and too hard to give up.
“I’m sorry.”
Himchan shakily wiped his eyes and stood up but his gaze stayed on the ground. He nodded once before his face slowly lifted back up and he looked straight into Jongup’s eyes. The pale black color that had worried Jongup before was bright now, but it was a crazed look and it worried him.
“Goodbye then.” Himchan whispered, trying to smile at him one last time as Jongup walked away from him again. “Goodbye baby.”
---
Every picture of Himchan that he had taken was carefully copied and cropped and moved into its own folder the next day. He didn’t want to edit them. Himchan didn’t need filters and lighting and enhancements to look perfect. Jongup wanted to look at him like he really was, the beautiful man he loved. Even the lines and dark circles marring his milky skin were left. Jongup loved all of him.
All morning long as he worked on the photos he ignored his phone, the vibrations going mostly unheard until a heavy knock at his door interrupted him around lunchtime.
A sobbing Junhong was waiting on the other side with tear tracks staining his pale cheeks and his breathing coming so fast that he could barely speak. “Jongup…”
Jongup quickly pulled him into the house and used his arms to hold his best friend up. “What is it? What’s wrong? Is Youngjae okay?” Thoughts that Youngjae was hurt or worse had Jongup shaking the taller boy and questioning him in shouts. “What happened? Where’s Youngjae?” He grabbed the phone out of his back pocket and scanned through the dozens of calls he had received over the last few hours and not noticed. Chunghee, Chunghee, Chunghee, Junhong, Chunghee…
Junhong shook his head and pulled his phone out of his jacket to show Jongup the image on his phone of the headline of a local news site.
“I’m sorry, Jongup.” Junhong forced his own heartache down as his best friend sunk to the floor in screams. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Local Boy Turned Fashion Model Found Dead This Morning After Apparent Suicide
Rated: M (for angst not smut)
Length: 7K
There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight (X)
The magazine was snatched up into greedy hands and he hurriedly skimmed through the pages before the photo-shoot he wanted was located. Dark hair, styled a little too oddly for his tastes, wide eyes and smirking lips peered up at him through the glossy pages and it hit Jongup like a punch in the chest.
The Twitter fan account he followed had posted the new images earlier that week but he hated seeing them on a computer screen and had purposely stayed away. As soon as he knew the magazine was out he had left the darkroom early in his excitement to buy the thick fashion magazine to add to his collection. Junhong called it an altar, but he was proud and he liked being surrounded by his pictures. Sometimes when he was a little lonelier than normal, a little more sad than he could handle, he could pull those magazines out and see that everything that had happened was worth it.
That leaving him was the best thing Jongup ever did for Himchan.
---
*present time*
“You work tonight?” Junhong rummaged through his fridge searching for the orange juice he knew was in there. Jongup didn’t drink it, had only bought it for his best friend’s annoyingly frequent visits, so there had to be some left over from last time. “Me and Youngjae are going to go the arcade if you want to come with. He lost at Dance Dance Revolution last time so he has to pay for all the games tonight.”
Jongup shrugged, continuing to organize his bookcase of magazines and newspapers and not hearing a word Junhong said. “Maybe.”
With a sigh, Junhong jerked the newest magazine towards him and flipped through it. “You’re just making it worse for yourself, Jongup. Let it go.” He threw his arm out towards the bookcase covered with dozens of pictures of Himchan’s face and every article about him he could find. “Let Himchan go.”
He carefully pried the papers out of Junhong’s hands, growling at the crinkles he put in them. “I’m proud of him, Junhong. I don’t call him, I don’t write him, I don’t even go to his shows when he’s in Korea. Let me have this one thing.”
His best friend still didn’t look convinced. “I’m not worried about him. I’m worried about you. It’s been eight months, Jongup. You need to get back out there. Let me find you a date.”
The grimace on his face was almost comical. “No thanks. If he’s not Himchan then I don’t care.”
“You’re the one that left. You could have still had him if you weren’t so stupid.”
Jongup had heard all of the meaningless insults before. He knew Junhong was just concerned and didn’t mean what he was saying.
“If I had stayed he wouldn’t have taken the modeling jobs. He told me that himself.”
Junhong shrugged, tilting the bottle back and finishing his juice. “Well I still say you’re an idiot for what you did. He’s a big boy and can make his own decisions. And you need more juice.”
He added it to his shopping list, rolling his eyes. “I think I need better friends more than I need the juice.”
The loud shriek he gave as Junhong grabbed him around the waist turned into pleading giggles the longer he tickled him.
“Who’s your best friend you asshole?”
Jongup gasped out his name, finally managing to push the taller boy away. “Jesus, go bug Youngjae. I have to go to bed early tonight anyways. There’s a wedding shoot tomorrow.” He had strict orders to be there at least three hours before the wedding. “Have fun with Jae and try not to cry when he kicks your ass at Skee-Ball again.”
“That was one time and it was five years ago!” Junhong screeched, trying to hang onto the doorframe even though Jongup was pushing him out. “He was cheating!”
---
*three years earlier*
“How many pictures have you taken? Damn, sit down and take a drink or something.” The groom drunkenly patted him on the back and pointed towards the bar. “She’s surrounded by dozens of people telling her how pretty she is. She won’t even notice you’re missing.”
He laughed as the man stumbled and fell against his shoulder. “I think maybe you should be the one to take a break. Do you want me to get you some coffee?”
“Coffee…” The groom muttered. His face was pressed right on top of Jongup’s cheek and he could smell the sour taste of bourbon on his breath. “Coffee and the Maid of Honor. Can you do that?”
“Alright Romeo.” Another man appeared on the other side just out of Jongup’s view. He took the groom’s other arm and slung it over his shoulder. “Let’s get you to the back so you can sober up before mom sees and kills me for letting you drink.”
They dragged him out a side door and down the hall towards the dressing rooms. Jongup was glad for the help but he could tell he was doing most of the lifting because the new man was tripping along beside him, alcohol obviously running thick through his system too.
“Here you go, little brother.” The groom found himself dropped unceremoniously onto a chair, his head slumping awkwardly on his neck. “Stay here and I’ll bring you something to eat.”
He turned around and Jongup got a look at his face for the first time, immediately recognizing him as the Best Man. His eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, but his smile was bright enough to light the room. Jongup had noticed him during the wedding of course. He was trained to notice pretty things, but customers were always off limits for him. He was a professional to the end.
Unless they had jet black eyes and adorably over-sized front teeth. Then he was screwed.
“Hi. You’re Jongup, right? The photographer?” At Jongup’s nod, the grin on the taller man’s lips grew bigger. “Our mom was really excited to book you for Chunghee’s wedding. She said you did a friend’s fiftieth anniversary and your pictures were amazing.”
The compliment made his cheeks warm. No matter how many shoots he did or how many times someone told him they loved it, he still blushed because he would always think his work was average at best.
“Thanks.” He murmured, turning towards the door. “Good luck with your brother.”
“Wait!” The man grabbed his wrist and shot him a pouty expression. Jongup was suddenly thankful for the extra photos he had snuck of him during the ceremony because he was beautiful. “Chunghee was right. You need a break. Come get some food with me.” Jongup started to shake his head but the other wouldn’t hear of it. “Just ask anyone here that knows me: I always get what I want.”
---
*present time*
Jongup made sure to do his equipment check before bedtime, just in case he needed to run to the store for something. He made sure his camera battery was fully charged and that he had two spare batteries on hand for emergencies. The bulb he used for the more professional looking shots was checked and packed up carefully so it wouldn’t break. The only thing he realized he had forgotten was the stash of water bottles and granola bars he kept in the bottom of his bag so he didn’t go hungry the entire day. Not every employer thought to make sure he ate.
Himchan’s drunken smile and the thin fingers that pulled him out of the dressing room towards the buffet table slammed into his mind like a truck. He could close his eyes and still taste the lukewarm beer and spicy noodles Himchan kept putting to his lips.
“Stop it.” He muttered to himself.
It was only seven so the convenience store down the street would still be open at least. The grocery store closed at six so it was too late for any of the expensive bars he preferred. He would have to make do on cheap candy and gum for the day.
You’re missing a great time. Junhong won at the basketball toss game and got so excited he threw his hands out and punched an old woman.
Jongup laughed at Youngjae’s text, quickly typing back that he wished he could be there. They had been his best friends since high school and he rarely got to see them anymore unless they forced their way into his house and demanded that he left the darkroom.
Ever since he had moved out of him and Himchan’s apartment his entire day was filled from sun up to sun down. He couldn’t let himself have a single second of time to think because thinking always brought memories and with the memories came the regrets.
The only time he let himself think about Himchan was when he organized his collection of magazines or rushed out to buy a new one. He had to use it as a tool to keep telling himself he had done the right thing by leaving because if Himchan had stayed he would have kept taking jobs with local catalogs or modeling for fashion shows for stores in the mall. This was a way to make his face known internationally and he had been picked up by several major labels almost immediately.
Junhong said you have a shoot tomorrow. Want to come over and watch a movie with us tomorrow night?
He loved Youngjae for trying to get him out of the house but when he typed back a firm No it wasn’t because he needed time to mope or wanted to be by himself. It was because weddings never failed to completely exhaust him. He would need at least fourteen hours of sleep afterwards to not want to feel like killing himself.
---
*fifteen months earlier*
“You better be getting paid overtime for this.” Himchan met him at the door of their apartment with hands on his hips and brows pulled down into a frown. “It’s ten at night, Jongup. You’ve been gone fourteen hours. Did you even eat?”
He yawned, shaking his head no and tiredly slipping off his dress shoes. The tie he had been told to wear was so tight around his neck at this point that he thought he would need to cut it to get out of it. He tried to pull it off but Himchan sighed and moved his hands away.
“Stop and let me do it. You’re going to ruin your only tie. Why won’t you let me buy you some new ones? You look like a hobo going to all of these events in the same suit every time.” The mean words were covered up by the careful way Himchan slid the tie off his head and started to unbutton his shirt. “Come into the bathroom while I fill the tub.”
“Too tired.” Jongup let him lead the way anyways because he had learned a long time ago not to tell his boyfriend no. “Can’t I eat first?”
Himchan pushed him onto the toilet seat lid and started the water in their bathtub. “No. You smell like body odor and peanuts. How many of those disgusting granola bars did you eat today?”
“Six.” Jongup slumped over onto the counter beside him. “Get in with me. I’ll wake up faster.”
With a snort of amusement Himchan helped him back to his feet and finished unbuttoning the dark green dress shirt he wore everywhere. “One day this is going to meet an unfortunate end inside the washer.” He promised as he slid it off of Jongup’s shoulders. “If I take off your pants are you going to make a stupid joke?”
Jongup grinned up at him. “The last time you took my pants off in the bathroom I made love to you right here.” His palm slid across the porcelain counter and he could see Himchan’s fists tightening out of the corner of his eye. “And I watched your face in the mirror as you moaned my n-“
“Alright that’s it take your own damn clothes off.” Himchan poked him hard in the ribs before storming out. “And don’t think you can get out of it by talking dirty to me! No way in hell are you coming into our bed smelling like a foot locker!” He yelled from the kitchen where Jongup could hear him slamming plates and pans around.
“Can I come into your mouth instead?”
The sound of something heavy hitting the floor made Jongup laugh. For all of Himchan’s big attitude Jongup loved that he could never quite handle it when he spoke words that would make a lesser man blush.
By the time he had slid into the tub and dunked his entire body under the water to wake up, Himchan was already back with a plate of leftover chicken. He let his boyfriend feed him a few bites with only the sound of comfortable silence between them.
“I don’t like it when you let them push you around like this.” Himchan spoke up. His fingers scratched circles against Jongup’s scalp and he smiled when the younger boy leaned into the touch with a soft purr. “You always do extra hours of retakes and then never even charge them for it. They’re taking advantage of you for being so sweet. My sweet baby.”
“I’m not sweet.” Jongup growled and bit at the fingers trying to push more food into his mouth. “I’m a hard-hearted asshole.”
Himchan set the plate to the side and reached for the bottle of shampoo. “You’re an angel Moon Jongup. And one day you’re going to wake up and see that I’m the real asshole and you’ll leave me.”
“I’d stay with you anyways just for your pretty face.” He jerked when Himchan’s fingers tugged angrily on his brown hair. “That was a compliment!”
“Shut up and rinse.”
He slipped under the water again, running his fingers through his hair to make sure all of the shampoo was gone. Himchan was waiting with a cloth and a bottle of body wash when he emerged and had rubbed all of the water out of his eyes.
“The more jobs I take the less you have to work at that god-awful restaurant.” He wondered if Himchan would be mad at him when he told the truth behind all of the extra shoots he had taken lately. “I know you hate working there and want to concentrate on modeling but-“
Himchan’s laughter had him cutting his confession short. “Stupid boy. I hate working there because my boss is a jerk not because I think I’m going to be a world famous model or anything. I would much rather have you home every night to eat supper with than to have a few hours off of work.” He slapped the soapy cloth against Jongup’s stomach. “I’d rather die than to keep having to watch you come home every night like a zombie.” Himchan sat back on the counter and spread his legs to the side with a smile. “Now come here. Let’s see if you’re really as tired as you say you are.”
---
*present time*
The mother of the bride was who had called him about photographing her daughter’s wedding. Unfortunately she’d been a little scatterbrained and had only enough time to tell him the address and date before she’d gotten another call and forgotten to call him back with specific shot preferences. Her husband had mailed the deposit check a few weeks earlier so Jongup figured he might as well just roll with it and maybe things would go smoothly for once.
“I need a shot of each member of the wedding party solo and with their partners.” The second he entered the spacious church she had grabbed him by the elbow and hurried him towards the back. “We also want ones of the bride with each of them and several of the entire family together.” She pointed to random items as they passed them and told him she wanted everything pictured so that the day would always be remembered.
Jongup nodded at all of the right times but he knew he would never be able to do everything she wanted even in the three hours of time allotted before the wedding. “Is there a spot you want me to start the individual photos at?” That way he could get them done in order of whoever was ready first and he wouldn’t have to wait.
She stopped suddenly and he barely managed not to run into her back. “Don’t you want to see the bride first?”
He tried not to groan at her assumption that this was the most important day in everyone that was present’s life. “I’m sure your daughter is beautiful. But normally the bride is the last person ready and it would be easier if I do everything else and then her last.”
“I’ll show him where to go.” A middle-aged man with a balding hairline and a belly that betrayed his love of sweets popped his head out of one of the rooms. “You go take care of our daughter and let’s let the photographer do his job the way he always does. Chunghee’s mother wouldn’t have recommended him if he wasn’t good.”
Jongup’s face paled as the man grabbed him by the elbow and turned him back towards the church. “Wait. Chunghee?”
“Worthless little shit.” The man grumbled under his breath. “Always showing up late to dinner and begging my daughter to give him money. Convinced her to marry him after only two months.”
“But… Chunghee?”
He had to hold carefully onto his bag because the clamminess forming on his palms was making his grip slip. The years of professionalism he had worked so hard to build up threatened to slip away with one name.
“Here we are.” He led them back to the front of the church and pointed to the steps leading to the alter. “I’ll go ahead and be first since I’m here.”
Jongup carefully placed his bag on the ground and started pulling his equipment out. He set the light pole up and aimed it carefully at the man posing patiently with a hand in his jacket. The routine monotony of work helped to calm his shaky fingers and slow his racing heart. What were the odds? How much did fate have it in for him?
Was Himchan here?
“Okay.” He forced a smile onto his lips and held the camera up to his eye. The man dropped his smile and put a dignified frown on his expression as Jongup took several test shots. “One more.”
After he was done he flipped through them making sure the lighting was right and that he had the flowers in the background in view.
“I’ll go tell them you’re ready whenever they want to come in.”
He took a few random shots around the sanctuary of the ribbons and flowers on the pews and of the light shining in through the stained glass windows.
“I’m next.” An unfamiliar voice interrupted him and he saw with relief that it wasn’t any of Chunghee’s friends that he had known. Possibly it was a different Chunghee and he could relax once he had seen the entire wedding party.
Jongup took shot after shot of groomsmen and bridesmaids and even a few of the two adorable flower girls.
“Ready for the groom?” His eyes closed in horror as the voice behind him spoke up teasingly.
“Congratulations Chunghee. We always figured you’d be on your fourth marriage by now. You’ve gotten more restrained in your old age.”
Chunghee clapped him on the back and grinned ear to ear. “Imagine my surprise when mom said she had convinced them to hire you for my wedding. I thought Himchan was going to cough up a lung when she told him. Best laugh of the night.”
Jongup felt betrayed that their mother had done this to him, to both of them. Neither of them deserved to be thrown back together like this.
“Let’s do this.” Chunghee had Himchan’s smile but the teeth were wrong and it didn’t make Jongup’s stomach turn into a mess of wings and flutters. “Himchan ran back to the dressing room to throw up so he’ll be last.” He blinked and the cocky attitude he had always known from Chunghee faded, showing the insecure man he had become. “I wish I could find someone who looked at me like he used to at you. I hope you’re happy with what you did to him.”
He opened his mouth to defend himself but Chunghee was already getting into his position on the steps, the arrogant smile forming again on his lips.
Chunghee made him take extra pictures of him from the left and the right so that he could decide which side was his better. It was only after the bride’s father came back out to tell him that he was needed did the groom decide he was done.
“I’ll send the last one in.” Chunghee’s mouth was pulled up but his eyes told Jongup to be on his best behavior. “Just a warning that if you make my brother cry on my wedding day then you’ll have my mother to deal with.”
Jongup thought that the acid building up in his stomach was going to come out at any moment. He could feel it burning a trail up his esophagus and across the back of his tongue. Eight months of only his magazines to remember Himchan by, eight months of cold sheets and no one to greet him at the door with a frown at midnight.
He wanted to go home and forget this job had ever happened.
He wanted Himchan.
The door to the hallway clicked open and Jongup’s heartbeat kicked into overdrive. He wasn’t ready for this, you should have longer to prepare for something this big, this wasn’t supposed to-
“Hey baby.”
---
*nine months earlier*
“They wanted me to start in three days.” Himchan casually picked through his salad, but his eyes were glaring wantonly at Jongup’s burger. “And my first show was supposed to be in two weeks.”
Jongup was using a magnifier to look at the slides from his last photography shoot. He hummed in reply as he scrawled a giant X through another one tucked inside the plastic sheet.
“Do you think you can take the car in to get the oil changed next Thursday?” The planner in front of Himchan’s placemat was covered in ink and reminder post-it notes. “I took an extra shift that morning so I won’t have time.”
“Sure.” He finally found a slide he thought would work so a circle covered it instead of the X. “This mom wanted her kid to be looking straight at the camera in every shot. I tried to tell her it was cute how she kept glancing down at her doll but she threw a-“ Jongup dropped the paper onto the table and pushed his glasses back up his nose to stare in confusion at his boyfriend. “Wait, I thought your new modeling job was starting? How are you taking extra shifts?”
Himchan stabbed a tomato and swirled it through the bowl, his lips tightening.
“No.” Jongup slammed his chair back from the table and leaned over until his face was right above Himchan’s. “Call them back right now and tell them you’ll be there.”
“They wanted me to go to Shanghai for twelve days and-“
He pushed Himchan’s cell phone forward and shook his head. “Call them back. Right now.”
“We can’t afford it, Jongup!” Himchan threw his arms out and pointed around the apartment. “Our rent practically doubled at the beginning of the year and this modeling job only pays minimum wage and I’m not risking our home!” His face crumpled and Jongup felt like a complete asshole for making him cry again. “And I’d miss you too much.”
Jongup’s jaw ticked as he stared at Himchan and the truth finally clicked into his brain for the first time. “You’re scared.” Himchan huffed and shook his head but Jongup knew in his heart that it was true and he felt like an idiot not to have seen it this whole time. “You’re too scared to try hard for this because you don’t want to fail. And you’re using our relationship as your excuse.”
Himchan rolled his eyes. He stormed towards the counter to grab his keys and hurriedly slipped his shoes on. “You’re an idiot if you think I’d ever use our relationship as an excuse for anything. I would rather be dead than be without you and you know it. Jongup first, modeling second.”
He slammed the door behind him and Jongup waited for it to crack open and Himchan’s sorry eyes to peer through like they did after every fight but it didn’t happen. He was right and he knew Himchan would continue to turn down every job that took him away for even the smallest amount of time. They’d keep going just as they had been for the last two and a half years with Jongup coming home at dark with a sore back and tired eyes and Himchan working double shifts at a restaurant that barely paid more than the costly dress clothes he had to wear.
There was no way he would even think about trying for a better job with Jongup in the back of his mind.
Jongup squeezed the edge of the table and tried to breathe through the burning creeping through his veins. It was his fault Himchan was stuck. He was holding him back and he had never even realized it.
He scrubbed his face clean of the sweat creeping along his hairline and forced himself to move towards his phone. “I’m sorry,” He murmured through numb lips as he dialed Junhong’s number.
“I need a favor.” He had to clear his throat of the lump threatening to choke him. “I need you to help me make Himchan break up with me.”
---
*present time*
The sound of his heartbeat was the only thing Jongup could hear until hesitant footsteps made their way toward him.
“Chunghee said you didn’t know I would be here.” Himchan’s voice was deeper than Jongup remembered it, the rough sound traveling straight to his belly and curling heavy and thick inside him. “Quite a shock, huh?”
Jongup took a few deep breaths to steady himself and counted to ten inside of his head. “I wouldn’t have taken it.” He didn’t want to look but he had to because his eyes were starved and desperate for the sight of him. “You told me you never wanted to see me again. I would have turned it down.”
When he finally lifted his eyes from the camera in his hands he had to clamp his teeth down sharply over his tongue because Himchan had always looked amazing to him, but right now he looked practically indecent. The photos he had waited impatiently for the day before must have been taken weeks ago because Himchan’s hair was longer now, almost in his eyes, and so soft looking that Jongup wanted to press his cheek against it and fall asleep just like they used to. His suit was obviously tailor-made to fit his measurements, the black linen molded to his legs.
The only thing that Jongup didn’t recognize, the part of Himchan that was wrong all wrong, was his eyes. They used to be happy and bright with happiness. These eyes were dull, a muted black color that didn’t match the ones from his memory.
“My mom likes your photographs. You know that. Of course she’d want you.” Himchan moved into the camera’s focal point and stood by patiently while Jongup fumbled with the buttons. “How’s Junhong?”
The camera thudded to the floor with a thump. Jongup muffled a curse coming out and prayed it wasn’t broken. He had thought to bring extras of everything he could possibly need but an extra camera was never on his list.
“F-Fine.” He peered through the view finder and breathed a sigh of relief when the image of Himchan’s blank face stared back at him instead of smudges and cracks like he had expected. “Junhong’s fine.”
“Tell him I said hello.” Himchan placed the same smile on his lips that Jongup looked at every day in his modeling photos. It was fake and showed not enough teeth and too much eyes. Jongup hated that smile. “And tell him that I’m not mad he was sleeping with my boyfriend and destroyed my life.”
---
*eight months earlier*
Junhong flinched away from Jongup, his back hitting the wall and hands coming up to block his best friend from coming any closer. “Are you really sure about this? I know I agreed to help but it makes me feel… It makes me feel like shit to be honest. And I’m not taking my shirt off don’t even ask.”
“We have to do it. He’ll never go if we don’t.” Jongup pulled his shirt off and reached for Junhong’s button-down top. “At least pull it out of your jeans and undo some buttons so it looks more realistic.” He huffed in annoyance when Junhong stared in horror at him. “He’s supposed to be home any second so if we’re going to do this then it has to be quick.”
“Fine.” Junhong undid the first three buttons of his shirt and yanked it out of his jeans, undoing the belt and then ruffling his hair. “Do I look thoroughly sexed?” He was still frozen as stiff as a tree and his eyes were wide and terrified but Jongup thought Himchan would be so infuriated that he wouldn’t do anything expect scream at Jongup and storm out of the house.
The sound of a door slamming shut outside had Jongup’s breathing pick up and his brain frantically rethought every detail of the plan he had been playing out over the last two weeks. A random text here and there that might have come off as too flirty for two friends to send to each other were purposely sent to his phone from Junhong’s when he knew Himchan was close enough to read them.
Those Himchan laughed off as Junhong just being a weird kid and needing to get out more.
Then the pictures came. Ones of Junhong shirtless. A few of him staring longingly into the camera with pouty lips and needy eyes.
Himchan had to give these a onceover. These caused him to start to question their friendship and why Junhong would send him something so obviously sexual.
He’s playing around, Jongup would joke. You know how Junhong is. He enjoys being a little freak.
His boyfriend would smile back but after the fourth or fifth one Jongup noticed the smile growing more and more strained and less trusting.
Now it was endgame time. Jongup knew Himchan had been offered another overseas modeling job. This one in New York and it was one he should have jumped for joy over. Instead he had shrugged and said it wasn’t for him.
Jongup had to finish this. He told himself it was for Himchan’s lifelong dream as he leaned towards Junhong’s thinned and pale lips. He promised himself as his mouth pressed against his best friend’s that one day Himchan would thank him for letting him go. And as his eyes closed he hoped that years later if he ever happened to run into his ex-boyfriend on the streets they would both be happy wherever they were in life.
---
*present time*
“Okay.” Jongup lowered the camera and turned his back towards Himchan. “I’m done. You can go back now.” When he didn’t hear footsteps moving away he looked over his shoulder and tried to look like he didn’t care. The hands squeezing so tightly onto his camera that he thought might break it were the only things giving him away. “Just because we were forced to see each other doesn’t mean we have to be sociable, Himchan. As soon as the wedding’s over I’ll go home and we can pretend this never happened.”
Himchan blinked, his shoulders dropping along with Jongup’s heart. “Oh… Okay.” The smile that Jongup despised was back on his face in a flash. “Good luck tonight. Not like you’ll need it. All of your shoots are amazing.”
He left the sanctuary without a look back. The door behind closed with a click that sounded to Jongup’s ears like either the end of something long and tiring or the beginning of something tumultuous and frightening.
The only good thing about being the little gay secret to the son of a conservative family was that none of them had known about their relationship so the night wasn’t as awkward as it could have been. Several of the Kim family members remembered him from Chunghee’s first wedding but no one picked up on how close he and Himchan had grown after that.
They had told Himchan’s parents that they were dating after they had been together for almost a year and while it wasn’t World War 3 it was a chilly reception to say the least. After a time Himchan’s parents had accepted the news and had even come to like Jongup but it was still uncomfortable that he had been personally chosen for the job by his ex-boyfriends mother.
Mrs. Kim could see the tension between the two while trying to organize the family photo and had thankfully stepped in and kept Himchan to the back where he would be furthest away from Jongup.
After the wedding (where Chunghee forgot his vows and had to have his almost-wife mouth them to him) all Jongup had to get through was the reception and it was dark, it was crowded, and it was easier to slip away from sight whenever he randomly got too close to Himchan.
“Here.”
He jumped back startled when a plate of food was slammed down onto the table in front of him. Jongup slid the phone he was using to hysterically text Youngjae and Junhong back into his pocket and eyed the food skeptically. “Are you wanting to sit here? I can move.”
Himchan pushed it closer but made sure to leave a safe distance between them. “You haven’t eaten anything all night except a candy bar and three pieces of gum. You’re starving and we both know it.” He realized his voice was verging on furious and shook his head. “Don’t be so stubborn all the time, Jongup. Maybe sometimes other people know what’s better for you than you do. Please eat?”
Jongup finally nodded and reached for the plate just so Himchan would go away and leave him to think and breathe in peace. The food was catered and expensive but every bite went down like sawdust and felt like acid in his stomach.
I’m not going to last the whole night.
The text back was sympathetic but he could hear Junhong’s I told you so even from here.
You’re almost done just grin and deal with it. Call me when you home.
He decided the night was over and he could slip out unnoticed when the groom fell asleep with his face smashed against a half-eaten slice of cake and the bride was in the bathroom crying after someone had spilled beer on her dress.
After gathering up all of his things Jongup made a mad dash towards the door and had made it halfway to the car when he heard Himchan shout his name from the reception hall’s doorway.
“Again? Seriously?” Himchan had dropped the hard expression he had used all night around everyone else and now looked like the normal Himchan that Jongup had known and loved. The one who still stuck his bottom lip out when he didn’t get his way and who woke up every morning with swollen eyes and wrinkles on his cheek from Jongup’s t-shirt. “You’re just going to walk out when I’m not looking again? Just leave me all alone with no clue at all what to do?”
“Himchan-“
“No. No, you don’t get to speak.” Himchan ripped the bag out of Jongup’s hands and threw it to the concrete without a care of whether he had broken anything. He gripped his fists into Jongup’s shirt and up close Jongup could see the bags under his eyes and thin lines around his lips that makeup had done a good job of covering all evening. “What did I do, Jongup? What can I do to fix it? Why did you do that to me?”
Jongup told himself that running his fingers through Himchan’s hair was a bad idea but he was exhausted and weak and it proved too tempting to resist. He closed his eyes and sighed in long-awaited relief when the pads of his fingers made contact with the feather soft strands and they rippled smoothly through his touch. “You made it.” He murmured, finally coming to his senses and realizing he needed to turn everything off again. The smell of Himchan’s cologne, the touch of his hair, the look of pure agony in his eyes, it all had to be switched to the off position again. “You did it, Himchan. I’m proud of you.”
Himchan buried his face into Jongup’s neck and sobbed against his flushed skin, arms leaving his shirt to wrap tightly around Jongup’s waist and bring him forward. “I don’t want it. Any of it. I want you. I’ll do anything.” He begged him. “Anything you want, I don’t even…” This time his voice broke and he barely finished his sentence. “I don’t even care about what happened with Junhong. I can’t live without you, Jonguppie. It’s too hard, it hurts too much.”
Memories slammed into him of the way Himchan had come inside the house and screamed at them both for what felt like hours until he had collapsed into the middle of the living room floor and pleaded brokenly for Jongup to take him back.
“Sto-“
“You left me, you just fucking left me, and I don’t even know what I did wrong! Was that why you always tried to make me leave? I told you I loved you more than modeling I love you more than any-”
“I love Junhong.”
The words stopped Himchan’s hysterics but his body slumped further into Jongup’s as the fight slowly left him.
He opened his mouth to take it back. Everything could be different if he told the truth right this second. If he told Himchan everything that had happened had been for his benefit but that he didn’t know it would have done this to him, Jongup knew Himchan would forgive him. They could be going home together in a heartbeat.
But the lie was too big now and too hard to give up.
“I’m sorry.”
Himchan shakily wiped his eyes and stood up but his gaze stayed on the ground. He nodded once before his face slowly lifted back up and he looked straight into Jongup’s eyes. The pale black color that had worried Jongup before was bright now, but it was a crazed look and it worried him.
“Goodbye then.” Himchan whispered, trying to smile at him one last time as Jongup walked away from him again. “Goodbye baby.”
---
Every picture of Himchan that he had taken was carefully copied and cropped and moved into its own folder the next day. He didn’t want to edit them. Himchan didn’t need filters and lighting and enhancements to look perfect. Jongup wanted to look at him like he really was, the beautiful man he loved. Even the lines and dark circles marring his milky skin were left. Jongup loved all of him.
All morning long as he worked on the photos he ignored his phone, the vibrations going mostly unheard until a heavy knock at his door interrupted him around lunchtime.
A sobbing Junhong was waiting on the other side with tear tracks staining his pale cheeks and his breathing coming so fast that he could barely speak. “Jongup…”
Jongup quickly pulled him into the house and used his arms to hold his best friend up. “What is it? What’s wrong? Is Youngjae okay?” Thoughts that Youngjae was hurt or worse had Jongup shaking the taller boy and questioning him in shouts. “What happened? Where’s Youngjae?” He grabbed the phone out of his back pocket and scanned through the dozens of calls he had received over the last few hours and not noticed. Chunghee, Chunghee, Chunghee, Junhong, Chunghee…
Junhong shook his head and pulled his phone out of his jacket to show Jongup the image on his phone of the headline of a local news site.
“I’m sorry, Jongup.” Junhong forced his own heartache down as his best friend sunk to the floor in screams. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Local Boy Turned Fashion Model Found Dead This Morning After Apparent Suicide