The Reeducation of Himchan part three
Pairing: ZiChan/HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.9K
part two
The four ate dinner at a longtime (and cheap) diner a few blocks away from Himchan and Junhong’s home. They’d been eating there regularly their whole lives but this was the first time that the atmosphere was so awkward that even Zico picked up on it.
“You three are acting like you’ve killed someone.” He poked Himchan in the side and smiled, trying to get him to laugh but all he could handle was a stiff chuckle. “Is something wrong?”
“No.” Junhong finally jumped in, but any idiot could tell he was faking the enthusiasm. “Himchan’s been in his pissy ‘I miss Zico’ mood all week and it takes him a while to snap out of it. And me and Yongguk are just worn out.” He winked exaggeratedly at them, turning the uncomfortable dinner into a disgusted one.
Zico finished his meal and sat back in the booth, arm slinging heavily across Himchan’s tensed shoulders. He picked at the pile of food on Himchan’s plate and forced another bite into his mouth. “You barely ate anything. Are you sick, too? I don’t know if I can handle two sick princesses in one day. I might have to put one of you down.”
“No, just tired.” He pushed the plate towards his boyfriend and motioned for him to eat. “You need the extra food more than I do. I think I’ve gained five stress pounds this month.”
“You’re blind and you’re perfect.” Zico argued, but accepted the meal nonetheless. He ate like a starving man, the entire plate disappearing in minutes. Himchan wondered when the last time he was able to sit down and eat a full meal was and he wished he hadn’t of whined so often about not being called. If Zico didn’t even have time to eat then how could he expect him to phone and text every five minutes?
The arm around his shoulder never budged even though it had to be hard for Zico to eat with his opposite hand. He didn’t seem to care because when Himchan leaned forward to grab his drink Zico scooted closer so that his fingers could play with the hem of his t-shirt.
Junhong kept his eyes on Himchan the entire meal, the sign of something in them only disappearing when Zico would look his way. Himchan knew he had something to say but didn’t want to say it in front of everyone and for that he was grateful.
“Graduation starts in an hour.” Zico wrapped his other arm around Himchan’s waist and yanked him practically onto his lap. “We need to leave but I don’t want to spend one more second in that damn school.”
“You’re almost done.” Himchan closed his eyes and relaxed into the familiar hold. “Have you thought any more about trying to start college in the spring semester instead?”
Zico snorted against his neck. “Yeah sure. Maybe I have a long-lost rich uncle who leaves us his fortune.”
“Surely you could j-“
“Stop it, Himchan. It’s not going to happen and we both know it.” Obviously the continuous talk about his future had finally struck a nerve in the younger boy. He pulled away leaving Himchan feeling cold and on edge. “Let’s go.”
They followed him out towards the parking lot, Junhong staying beside Himchan even when Yongguk tried to grab his hand. “Don’t forget.” He murmured just before they reached the car. “Tonight you and I are going to talk.”
Zico asked to be let off at his house instead of riding to the school with them because he still wasn’t comfortable around Himchan’s parents so Himchan took him home after dropping Yongguk and Junhong off. “I need to ride with mom and Rinnie anyways so they know which side to sit on.” He leaned forward to kiss Himchan but seemed to change his mind at the last second, his lips barely brushing the corner of Himchan’s mouth. “I’ll see you afterwards?”
“Yeah.” Himchan squeezed his arm and placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist. “Good luck tonight. I’m proud of you.”
He barely got a smile off of him but it was enough to make his heart clench. Zico’s smiles always lit him up from the inside out and a tiny one was better than none.
The school was already packed with students and family members when they arrived twenty minutes before time. Himchan’s mother clucked with annoyance that they could have gotten better seats if Himchan hadn’t been late. He wanted to calmly inform her that he was taking his boyfriend home, but that was a conversation for another day. Or never. Never might be better.
“There’s Zico’s mom and Rinnie!” He waved across the gym to Zico’s sister, laughing to himself at her pink sparkly dress. When she had heard them talking about graduation earlier her first thought was that she needed to wear her fanciest outfit. “I’m going to go sit with th-“
“Us.” His mother smiled, lips strained against her perfectly powdered cheeks. “We are a family and everyone will expect to see us together.” She pointed to the seat between her and Yongguk and Himchan wondered if she really wanted them to be seen as a unit or if she just didn’t want to sit next to his roommate. Even though Junhong kept quiet about his relationship they surely won’t so stupid as to not see what was going on between the two boys.
Yongguk patted his shoulder in sympathy as he craned his head to look for Junhong in the sea of graduates lining up by the door. “This is the last weekend you have to deal with that. Just grin and bear it.” They scooted further down the bench so at least they could talk in privacy.
He spotted Zico towards the back, the wide black eyes already locked onto his own. Hi, Himchan mouthed and wildly waved two thumbs up his direction.
Zico grinned and blew him a kiss and Himchan’s heart felt full with pride and affection for the younger boy. He had worked so hard the past two years to bring his grades up and graduate and everything had paid off for him. Himchan wanted to scream out to everyone how proud he was of him, no matter how embarrassed it would make his mother.
“He’s a good kid.” Yongguk was watching Zico make faces towards his sister trying to make her laugh. “You know he hasn’t been ignoring you all this time just to be a dick, right? Junhong’s been really worried about him. Says he’s afraid he’s going to have a nervous breakdown.”
“I know.” He wished he had been sitting with Zico’s family right now instead of his own silent one. Being in their home and seeing how they acted together every day had him questioning everything his own parents had done his entire life. A mother was supposed to kiss their child before bedtime and tell them they’re loved and look at them with so much happiness in their eyes like Zico’s looked at them. “But what’s the point of being in love if it makes you so sad?”
Yongguk turned to him with surprise. “Is that what you think a relationship is about? Rainbows and flowers and non-stop romance? Channie, there’s days I want to rip your little brother’s head off his neck and feed it to him up his ass. One time he got so mad at me for something stupid that he refused to answer his phone for three days. I thought I was going to lose my mind. But the great moments, the ones that we’re together and happy, those make all the shit times worth it. Think about yourself right now, right this moment. Do you love Zico?”
“Of course I do.”
“Have you even thought about Jongup since you spotted Zico walk in?”
He opened his mouth to reply then closed it when he realized he couldn’t think of one.
“And when you’re with Jongup do you forget about Zico?”
“No.” Sometimes Zico moved to the corner of his mind, a door that was cracked with just his eyes peering out at him. But never forgotten. “Zico’s always there.”
Yongguk raised an eyebrow as if to say wake up you idiot. “Well then there you go.” The music started and sat up straight and turned back to the front. “Your brother will be a lot harsher on you later, so prepare yourself.”
Himchan tried to put all thoughts of his own problems out of his head and just concentrate on the two graduates that he was there to see. Two of his favorite people in the world were graduating high school today and becoming adults, even if they’d both been far more adult-like than he had ever been.
“Junhong told me he wasn’t wearing anything under his gown.” Yongguk swallowed and his fists curled into the seat under him. “I love that brat.”
He watched the way his little brother crossed his legs and the gown rode up to reveal a bare ankle and he gagged. “Don’t you two ever get tired of sex every second of every day?”
“What?” Yongguk blinked and lost his train of thought from Himchan’s question. “How could anyone get tired of sex? And we don’t do that all the time, just most of the time. If I wanted to talk instead he’d just roll his eyes and pout a little but it’d be okay.” His fingers squeezed Himchan’s for a second. “It’s not all about mental connections and all that boring shit. It’s also about wanting to tattoo your name on every inch of someone’s skin because you want everyone to know that this body belongs to you to do whatever you want with.”
He thought about the way Zico’s skin had looked the last time they were in bed together. The pale white skin that raised with goose bumps with every pass of his hand and the way Zico’s breath had hitched as Himchan sucked bruises against his ribs. If anyone else knew that he scrunched his eyes shut when they were finished and had to work to catch his breath then Himchan would pull their finger out of their sockets one by one. If someone saw the slow sleepy smile he made that meant he wanted them to be alone and skin to skin?
Himchan growled under his breath at the girl sitting too close to Himchan’s left.
“You’re so fucked up.” Yongguk chuckled quietly at him. “You want Jongup when you’re back at school but the second you get home it’s Zico, Zico, Zico. Make up your mind.”
But as he watched his boyfriend walk across the stage and turn to wave at his mother in the audience he wasn’t sure which direction he was supposed to go.
---
“I know Junhong said you two were supposed to talk, but there’s been a slight change in plans.” Yongguk pushed Himchan out of the way of the driver’s door and snatched the keys from his hand. “New plan. We take the car and you find your own ride home. Go bug Zico.” He motioned for Junhong to get in the car and visibly trembled when the taller boy glared at him. “Baby?”
“Get. In. The. Back.” Junhong growled. He held his hand out. “Give me the keys. Himchan sits up front.”
Yongguk’s shoulders slumped as he handed them over and reluctantly climbed into the back. “I hate your entire family.”
Junhong rolled his eyes. “You love me and you know it you giant crybaby. Now sit quietly back there and think about what you’ve done.” He turned to Himchan with a small smile. “What’s Zico doing tonight?”
“They’re going out for dinner with his mom’s new boyfriend. It’s the first time him and Rinnie are meeting him so he said they have to go to some five-star restaurant uptown.”
They pulled into the long line to exit the parking lot. Junhong waved stiffly to their parents as they passed their car. “And you weren’t invited?”
Himchan snorted and shook his head. “I don’t think the first date is when you want to announce to the new guy that your son is gay. And Zico promised we’d spent all of tomorrow together anyways.”
Junhong tapped impatiently on the steering wheel as the wait got longer and longer. He finally growled in annoyance and revved the engine loudly when another car tried to slip by them. “I hate people.” He muttered under his breath. “What are you two doing? Zico mentioned something to me about an amusement park and a roller coaster.”
His stomach dropped out from under him in a panic. “He said what?” Zico wouldn’t do that to him. Not after the last visit to the park.
“Nah. I’m just messing with you.” Junhong turned to him with a smirk. “He told me to say that and watch you wet yourself over it.”
“Jerk.” Himchan settled back in his seat and watched the houses fly by as Junhong passed car after car on their way home. “You’re going to get a ticket.” He fiddled with the phone in his pocket and hoped Zico did okay at the dinner tonight. He had been nervous about it because the new boyfriend was an art critic and his mother had tried to convince him to show off his paintings. “I think we’re just going to hang around his house and watch TV. Rinnie’s dad is coming to pick her up sometime after eleven.”
Junhong tilted his head to the house after they parked, turning to give Yongguk a knowing look.
“I guess I’ll go in then.” He smoothed Junhong’s hair back and murmured something in his ear that made Himchan grimace and his little brother smile. “Don’t party too hard out here.”
While they waited for Yongguk to enter, Junhong reclined his seat and stared up at the stars through his window. “Yongguk said you had a picture of the new guy. Could I see it?”
He wondered what else Yongguk said about him when he wasn’t around. “Why would you even want to see it?”
His brother turned to look at him with confusion in his features. “Because you obviously care about him and if you’re going to tear my best friend’s heart in half I think I deserve to know if this boy’s even attractive enough to be worth it.”
Snorting, he reached into his pocket for his phone because there was no way Junhong was going to let him out of the car until he got to see the picture. “He’s a first year studying Engineering. His name’s Jongup.”
Junhong frowned as he looked at the picture, his eyebrows pulling tightly together between his eyes. “He’s pretty adorable.” The tone of his voice suggested that wasn’t a welcomed fact. “So you like him a lot? More than Zico?”
“I barely know him. And I love Zico, you know that.” It felt weird to talk to his brother like this. Like they were both adults having a mature conversation. Weird, but nice. He liked knowing that Junhong was growing up and that if he ever needed to he could come to him with his problems. “But yeah, I mean, I guess I do. Like him.”
“Do you want to date him?”
He shrugged, wishing he was in bed because it had been a long day full of misunderstandings and exhaustion. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Zico doesn’t mess around on you.” Junhong handed him his phone back, much to Himchan’s relief. Having Jongup’s picture all to himself was one thing but showing it around to his family just made it all seem so much more real than he was ready for. “Just in case you thought that. He never even goes out with the rest the guys anymore. If he’s not working then he’s at home helping his mom with Rinnie.”
That was great for Zico, he was a sweet person and deserved recognition for his deeds. But it sucked to be his boyfriend when he was out there playing Mother Theresa for everyone else but him.
“He could still call every once in a while. Or visit more than once every four months.” He replied stubbornly.
“Yeah, that was pretty dumb of him. But maybe he was more dumb for thinking you would understand and wait patiently because you loved him.” Junhong’s eyes were far too old for his age, Himchan thought to himself. Where did his punk teenage brother go and when did this serious young man come from? “He’d do anything for the people he loves and that pretty much only includes his mom, his sister and you. If you had told him that you were going to cheat on him for never visiting he would have come up in a heartbeat.”
“I never chea-“
“We both know you cheated.” Junhong pulled the keys out of the ignition and shook his head at his brother before opening his door. “You may not have screwed around with this Jongup kid yet but we both know you’re going to. And that’s cheating.”
---
Zico met him at the door the next morning with an ear to ear grin on his face and open arms. “I’m now a fully legal and out of high school adult. No more feeling like a creepy old man.”
“I never felt like a creepy old man.”
“Well then no more of me feeling like you’re a creep.” Zico’s eyes curled under as he laughed at Himchan’s annoyed face. “Mom is at work for the entire day and Rinnie is leaving in an hour and then it’s just you and me. We can order a pizza, rent movies, take a nap, anything you want. No more having to coordinate schedules or leave voicemails just to hear each other’s voices.”
He let Zico pull him into the house. The excitement was infectious and he felt himself looking forward to a whole day of just him and his boyfriend, no distractions, no interruptions, nothing that could take away from this much-needed break for the two.
Rinnie sat at the table in her pajamas trying to shove an entire waffle into her mouth in one bite. “I have waffles!” She tried to greet him around a mouthful of breakfast but failed, the dough spraying across the table with every word.
“If you had gotten up at a normal hour you would already be done with breakfast.” Zico chastised her, but gently wiped around her lips with a napkin anyways. “What were you doing all night? It sounded like you had a party thumping in your room.”
“Dancing!” She stood up on her seat to show off her new sparkly tutu. “Isn’t it pretty? Zico Oppa bought it for me after my surgery.”
Zico eyed the crusted food on the hem with a grimace. “Maybe you should take it off while you eat. It’s starting to look a little nasty.”
“No!” She glared at him as she sat down and resumed her breakfast. “Maybe you should take off your face. It’s starting to look ugly.”
Himchan choked on the glass of orange juice he had poured while they were talking. “She’s got a point.”
“You’re both assholes.” Zico reached out to pinch their sides at the same time, earning identical shrieks of pain. “I can tell we’re I’m not wanted.” He strolled out of the kitchen and into the living room, leaving them alone and rubbing their bruises.
“Mommy says he needs a vacation.” Rinnie licked her syrup-covered lips. “She says he’s going to have a nervous breakdown when he’s twenty.” The adult words rolled easily off her tongue so Himchan knew it was something she had heard over and over and stored in her head but had no clue what it meant.
He sat down next to her at the table and picked at a fallen strawberry on the place mat in front of him. “He’s a good big brother though. Maybe you should apologize for saying he was ugly. Do you really mean that?”
She slumped down in her seat and her hair landed directly in the pile of syrup, much to Himchan’s disgust. “Uh-uh. I just wanted to hurt his feelings. Do you think it worked?”
Himchan nodded as he tried to swipe a napkin through her hair but only ended up smearing the syrup even further up the strands. “Oppa does a lot for you. Don’t be mean to him, Rinnie. He loves you a lot. We both do.”
Her lower lip sucked into her mouth and her deep brown eyes widened in shock. “You love me? Really?” She shyly lowered her head again and looked up at him through her bangs. “Does this mean I’m your girlfriend just like Zico?”
“I heard that!”
He ignored Zico’s shout from the living room and nodded to her. “But you have to always remember that I only make nice girls my girlfriend. I don’t want to marry someone that’s mean to people.”
Rinnie sighed and pushed her plate away. “I’ll go apologize.” She mumbled, stomping towards the door. “I’m sorry I called you ugly.” Himchan could hear her giggling as she tripped trying to run towards her bedroom. “But I’m even sorrier it’s true!”
The door slammed shut behind her and clicked as she locked it, the sound of her high-pitched laughter loud in the quiet house.
“She’s becoming quite the sweetheart.” Himchan commented, falling onto the couch beside Zico and burying his face into the soft t-shirt that smelled like equal parts boyfriend and happiness. “Are you sure you brought home the right kid after her surgery?”
Zico smiled as he looked down at the head in his lap. His fingers stroked gently through Himchan’s black hair as they heard the sound of Rinnie’s radio turned on and set to blaring from her bedroom. “I have news. It’s kind of good.”
“Kind of?” Himchan peered up at him through suspicious eyes. “How can something be kind of good? Either it is or it isn’t.”
“I might have another job.” At Zico’s blurted reply, Himchan could feel the walls shrinking in on him again because he knew it, he fucking knew it. It was always about more jobs with Zico. More money, more shifts, more distractions. “No, wait-“ Zico tried to hold him still when Himchan shifted away from him. “It’s a better job. One with more money, a lot more money, and easier hours and it’s something I could really enjoy doing.”
He’d heard this before, the exact same promises that never quite panned out to reality. “Shut up.” He whispered, trying to pull his arms out of Zico’s grip. “You’re never going to change. Things are never going to be different.”
“Would you just listen for a damn second?” Zico snapped, shoving Himchan into the couch and throwing his body over top. “I mean it this time!”
“You always mean it!” Himchan had come here this morning with a smile on his face because things were better, things were looking up, and he should have known Zico would find a way to ruin it because that’s all he was able to do anymore. “Every month you mean it! I’ve found a way to come see you more, Himchan. We can spend next weekend together, Himchan. I love you and I’m trying to make this work, Himchan.” He blinked the hot tears in the corners of his eyes away because he’d be damned if he let Zico see him cry again. “You never meant any of that did you.”
Zico stared at him with parted lips and wet eyes. “Of course I did. I would never lie to you. How could you even think that?”
He scrubbed his face clean and turned his head away because one more second of looking at Zico and he would lose it. “I think we should break up.”
“What?” Zico tensed on top of him, the word barely managed through gritted teeth. “What are you talking about? We’re just in a rough pa-“
“It’s been a rough year, Zico.” The only thing his mother had ever taught him that he was thankful for was how to shut off his feelings. Let the ice course through his body until he was frozen and emotionless. The realization of what he was doing would come later, but right now he needed to push everything away so that he could do this without looking back. “Our whole relationship has been rough. I’m sick of it.”
Zico shook his head, fingers grabbing at Himchan’s shirt and face, trying to make him look at him again. “No, no, no this isn’t what you want. You love me, you love me so much you fucking turned gay for me.”
“And you obviously didn’t care enough.” Himchan knew the words were lies. He knew Zico loved him more than he had ever loved anything and that this would break him in two when he walked away. But they couldn’t stay together like this. “I’m starting to hate you, Zico.” He finally let himself look back up and if he was a weaker man he would have taken every word back, apologized for every lie he was saying. Zico was bordering on hysterical above him and he needed to get out before he stopped himself from doing what needed to be done. “Please get off me.”
“No.” His boyfriend, ex-boyfriend now, choked on a sob and pulled Himchan’s body off the couch and into his arms. “No, please don’t do this, please Princess. Whatever I did I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, just please don’t leave.”
Once again, the word on the tip of his tongue threatened to break free but this time there was no anger in his body as he thought Jongup’s name, only remorse.
“I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll quit all of the jobs, I’ll move up there, just-“ Zico broke off, his face buried in Himchan’s neck. “Don’t. Don’t.”
“Let me go, Zico.” He carefully pried Zico’s arms from around him. Thankfully Rinnie’s radio was so loud she wouldn’t be able to hear her brother’s pleading from her room. “This isn’t like last time when I left. This isn’t because I’m unsure. It’s because I’m so tired of waiting on you that I don’t even think I care anymore.”
“You’re lying.” Zico realized he was playing a losing game and gave up trying to hold him back, his arms resting rigidly on his legs. “You’re going to regret this.”
The words weren’t meant to be a threat. Himchan knew Zico would never in a million years hurt him. But of course he would regret it. He would probably regret it every second for the rest of his life, but at least he could say he tried. They ignored the elephant in the room for so long until it was impossible to overlook any longer. Himchan was just the first one to give up.
“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing he could say but even it didn’t feel good enough for what had just happened between them.
He turned towards the door and leaned down to grab his shoes when Zico spoke up quietly from behind him, still staring down at the couch seat.
“Is it someone else?” The surprise question made Himchan pause, the split second response giving Zico all the answers he needed. “Is it another boy?”
Himchan turned the door knob, but couldn’t leave without giving him an answer. After everything they had been through Zico deserved the truth.
“His name is Jongup.” He murmured. He let himself look back one last time because a part of him wanted to see Zico’s face when he found out. The look of complete devastation should have filled him with guilt but he felt vindication because now Zico knew what his staying away for so long had done to them. “Good luck with your new job.”
The second he left all of the walls he had built around himself crumbled to the ground and he barely made it to his car before the panic rolling through his body emerged in a sob muffled into his fist.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and shakily dialed his brother’s number. The street was thankfully clear around him because if it wasn’t he would have side-swiped every single car on the block as he made a hurried exit home.
“I told him.”
Junhong sighed on the other end. “Is he okay?”
Himchan barked out a dry laugh. “Not really.”
“Are you coming home? Do I need to come pick you up?”
The car across the street blared its horn at him as he raced through a red light without even stopping.
“I’m fine.” He switched the call to speakerphone and used his free hand to dig nails deep into his palm. The only thing he needed right now was something to distract him from the realization at what he had just done. Trading his heartache for a physical pain helped keep his head steady. “Can you- Could you maybe go over there? He has Rinnie and…” Himchan suddenly realized that their breaking up meant he would never see Rinnie again and it hit him like a punch to the face. “He needs someone with him.”
“I’m on my way. I’ll leave Yongguk here for you. He gives great hugs but don’t get too comfortable.” Junhong hung up making Himchan drive the rest of the way home with only his staggered breathing for company.
part four
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.9K
part two
The four ate dinner at a longtime (and cheap) diner a few blocks away from Himchan and Junhong’s home. They’d been eating there regularly their whole lives but this was the first time that the atmosphere was so awkward that even Zico picked up on it.
“You three are acting like you’ve killed someone.” He poked Himchan in the side and smiled, trying to get him to laugh but all he could handle was a stiff chuckle. “Is something wrong?”
“No.” Junhong finally jumped in, but any idiot could tell he was faking the enthusiasm. “Himchan’s been in his pissy ‘I miss Zico’ mood all week and it takes him a while to snap out of it. And me and Yongguk are just worn out.” He winked exaggeratedly at them, turning the uncomfortable dinner into a disgusted one.
Zico finished his meal and sat back in the booth, arm slinging heavily across Himchan’s tensed shoulders. He picked at the pile of food on Himchan’s plate and forced another bite into his mouth. “You barely ate anything. Are you sick, too? I don’t know if I can handle two sick princesses in one day. I might have to put one of you down.”
“No, just tired.” He pushed the plate towards his boyfriend and motioned for him to eat. “You need the extra food more than I do. I think I’ve gained five stress pounds this month.”
“You’re blind and you’re perfect.” Zico argued, but accepted the meal nonetheless. He ate like a starving man, the entire plate disappearing in minutes. Himchan wondered when the last time he was able to sit down and eat a full meal was and he wished he hadn’t of whined so often about not being called. If Zico didn’t even have time to eat then how could he expect him to phone and text every five minutes?
The arm around his shoulder never budged even though it had to be hard for Zico to eat with his opposite hand. He didn’t seem to care because when Himchan leaned forward to grab his drink Zico scooted closer so that his fingers could play with the hem of his t-shirt.
Junhong kept his eyes on Himchan the entire meal, the sign of something in them only disappearing when Zico would look his way. Himchan knew he had something to say but didn’t want to say it in front of everyone and for that he was grateful.
“Graduation starts in an hour.” Zico wrapped his other arm around Himchan’s waist and yanked him practically onto his lap. “We need to leave but I don’t want to spend one more second in that damn school.”
“You’re almost done.” Himchan closed his eyes and relaxed into the familiar hold. “Have you thought any more about trying to start college in the spring semester instead?”
Zico snorted against his neck. “Yeah sure. Maybe I have a long-lost rich uncle who leaves us his fortune.”
“Surely you could j-“
“Stop it, Himchan. It’s not going to happen and we both know it.” Obviously the continuous talk about his future had finally struck a nerve in the younger boy. He pulled away leaving Himchan feeling cold and on edge. “Let’s go.”
They followed him out towards the parking lot, Junhong staying beside Himchan even when Yongguk tried to grab his hand. “Don’t forget.” He murmured just before they reached the car. “Tonight you and I are going to talk.”
Zico asked to be let off at his house instead of riding to the school with them because he still wasn’t comfortable around Himchan’s parents so Himchan took him home after dropping Yongguk and Junhong off. “I need to ride with mom and Rinnie anyways so they know which side to sit on.” He leaned forward to kiss Himchan but seemed to change his mind at the last second, his lips barely brushing the corner of Himchan’s mouth. “I’ll see you afterwards?”
“Yeah.” Himchan squeezed his arm and placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist. “Good luck tonight. I’m proud of you.”
He barely got a smile off of him but it was enough to make his heart clench. Zico’s smiles always lit him up from the inside out and a tiny one was better than none.
The school was already packed with students and family members when they arrived twenty minutes before time. Himchan’s mother clucked with annoyance that they could have gotten better seats if Himchan hadn’t been late. He wanted to calmly inform her that he was taking his boyfriend home, but that was a conversation for another day. Or never. Never might be better.
“There’s Zico’s mom and Rinnie!” He waved across the gym to Zico’s sister, laughing to himself at her pink sparkly dress. When she had heard them talking about graduation earlier her first thought was that she needed to wear her fanciest outfit. “I’m going to go sit with th-“
“Us.” His mother smiled, lips strained against her perfectly powdered cheeks. “We are a family and everyone will expect to see us together.” She pointed to the seat between her and Yongguk and Himchan wondered if she really wanted them to be seen as a unit or if she just didn’t want to sit next to his roommate. Even though Junhong kept quiet about his relationship they surely won’t so stupid as to not see what was going on between the two boys.
Yongguk patted his shoulder in sympathy as he craned his head to look for Junhong in the sea of graduates lining up by the door. “This is the last weekend you have to deal with that. Just grin and bear it.” They scooted further down the bench so at least they could talk in privacy.
He spotted Zico towards the back, the wide black eyes already locked onto his own. Hi, Himchan mouthed and wildly waved two thumbs up his direction.
Zico grinned and blew him a kiss and Himchan’s heart felt full with pride and affection for the younger boy. He had worked so hard the past two years to bring his grades up and graduate and everything had paid off for him. Himchan wanted to scream out to everyone how proud he was of him, no matter how embarrassed it would make his mother.
“He’s a good kid.” Yongguk was watching Zico make faces towards his sister trying to make her laugh. “You know he hasn’t been ignoring you all this time just to be a dick, right? Junhong’s been really worried about him. Says he’s afraid he’s going to have a nervous breakdown.”
“I know.” He wished he had been sitting with Zico’s family right now instead of his own silent one. Being in their home and seeing how they acted together every day had him questioning everything his own parents had done his entire life. A mother was supposed to kiss their child before bedtime and tell them they’re loved and look at them with so much happiness in their eyes like Zico’s looked at them. “But what’s the point of being in love if it makes you so sad?”
Yongguk turned to him with surprise. “Is that what you think a relationship is about? Rainbows and flowers and non-stop romance? Channie, there’s days I want to rip your little brother’s head off his neck and feed it to him up his ass. One time he got so mad at me for something stupid that he refused to answer his phone for three days. I thought I was going to lose my mind. But the great moments, the ones that we’re together and happy, those make all the shit times worth it. Think about yourself right now, right this moment. Do you love Zico?”
“Of course I do.”
“Have you even thought about Jongup since you spotted Zico walk in?”
He opened his mouth to reply then closed it when he realized he couldn’t think of one.
“And when you’re with Jongup do you forget about Zico?”
“No.” Sometimes Zico moved to the corner of his mind, a door that was cracked with just his eyes peering out at him. But never forgotten. “Zico’s always there.”
Yongguk raised an eyebrow as if to say wake up you idiot. “Well then there you go.” The music started and sat up straight and turned back to the front. “Your brother will be a lot harsher on you later, so prepare yourself.”
Himchan tried to put all thoughts of his own problems out of his head and just concentrate on the two graduates that he was there to see. Two of his favorite people in the world were graduating high school today and becoming adults, even if they’d both been far more adult-like than he had ever been.
“Junhong told me he wasn’t wearing anything under his gown.” Yongguk swallowed and his fists curled into the seat under him. “I love that brat.”
He watched the way his little brother crossed his legs and the gown rode up to reveal a bare ankle and he gagged. “Don’t you two ever get tired of sex every second of every day?”
“What?” Yongguk blinked and lost his train of thought from Himchan’s question. “How could anyone get tired of sex? And we don’t do that all the time, just most of the time. If I wanted to talk instead he’d just roll his eyes and pout a little but it’d be okay.” His fingers squeezed Himchan’s for a second. “It’s not all about mental connections and all that boring shit. It’s also about wanting to tattoo your name on every inch of someone’s skin because you want everyone to know that this body belongs to you to do whatever you want with.”
He thought about the way Zico’s skin had looked the last time they were in bed together. The pale white skin that raised with goose bumps with every pass of his hand and the way Zico’s breath had hitched as Himchan sucked bruises against his ribs. If anyone else knew that he scrunched his eyes shut when they were finished and had to work to catch his breath then Himchan would pull their finger out of their sockets one by one. If someone saw the slow sleepy smile he made that meant he wanted them to be alone and skin to skin?
Himchan growled under his breath at the girl sitting too close to Himchan’s left.
“You’re so fucked up.” Yongguk chuckled quietly at him. “You want Jongup when you’re back at school but the second you get home it’s Zico, Zico, Zico. Make up your mind.”
But as he watched his boyfriend walk across the stage and turn to wave at his mother in the audience he wasn’t sure which direction he was supposed to go.
---
“I know Junhong said you two were supposed to talk, but there’s been a slight change in plans.” Yongguk pushed Himchan out of the way of the driver’s door and snatched the keys from his hand. “New plan. We take the car and you find your own ride home. Go bug Zico.” He motioned for Junhong to get in the car and visibly trembled when the taller boy glared at him. “Baby?”
“Get. In. The. Back.” Junhong growled. He held his hand out. “Give me the keys. Himchan sits up front.”
Yongguk’s shoulders slumped as he handed them over and reluctantly climbed into the back. “I hate your entire family.”
Junhong rolled his eyes. “You love me and you know it you giant crybaby. Now sit quietly back there and think about what you’ve done.” He turned to Himchan with a small smile. “What’s Zico doing tonight?”
“They’re going out for dinner with his mom’s new boyfriend. It’s the first time him and Rinnie are meeting him so he said they have to go to some five-star restaurant uptown.”
They pulled into the long line to exit the parking lot. Junhong waved stiffly to their parents as they passed their car. “And you weren’t invited?”
Himchan snorted and shook his head. “I don’t think the first date is when you want to announce to the new guy that your son is gay. And Zico promised we’d spent all of tomorrow together anyways.”
Junhong tapped impatiently on the steering wheel as the wait got longer and longer. He finally growled in annoyance and revved the engine loudly when another car tried to slip by them. “I hate people.” He muttered under his breath. “What are you two doing? Zico mentioned something to me about an amusement park and a roller coaster.”
His stomach dropped out from under him in a panic. “He said what?” Zico wouldn’t do that to him. Not after the last visit to the park.
“Nah. I’m just messing with you.” Junhong turned to him with a smirk. “He told me to say that and watch you wet yourself over it.”
“Jerk.” Himchan settled back in his seat and watched the houses fly by as Junhong passed car after car on their way home. “You’re going to get a ticket.” He fiddled with the phone in his pocket and hoped Zico did okay at the dinner tonight. He had been nervous about it because the new boyfriend was an art critic and his mother had tried to convince him to show off his paintings. “I think we’re just going to hang around his house and watch TV. Rinnie’s dad is coming to pick her up sometime after eleven.”
Junhong tilted his head to the house after they parked, turning to give Yongguk a knowing look.
“I guess I’ll go in then.” He smoothed Junhong’s hair back and murmured something in his ear that made Himchan grimace and his little brother smile. “Don’t party too hard out here.”
While they waited for Yongguk to enter, Junhong reclined his seat and stared up at the stars through his window. “Yongguk said you had a picture of the new guy. Could I see it?”
He wondered what else Yongguk said about him when he wasn’t around. “Why would you even want to see it?”
His brother turned to look at him with confusion in his features. “Because you obviously care about him and if you’re going to tear my best friend’s heart in half I think I deserve to know if this boy’s even attractive enough to be worth it.”
Snorting, he reached into his pocket for his phone because there was no way Junhong was going to let him out of the car until he got to see the picture. “He’s a first year studying Engineering. His name’s Jongup.”
Junhong frowned as he looked at the picture, his eyebrows pulling tightly together between his eyes. “He’s pretty adorable.” The tone of his voice suggested that wasn’t a welcomed fact. “So you like him a lot? More than Zico?”
“I barely know him. And I love Zico, you know that.” It felt weird to talk to his brother like this. Like they were both adults having a mature conversation. Weird, but nice. He liked knowing that Junhong was growing up and that if he ever needed to he could come to him with his problems. “But yeah, I mean, I guess I do. Like him.”
“Do you want to date him?”
He shrugged, wishing he was in bed because it had been a long day full of misunderstandings and exhaustion. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Zico doesn’t mess around on you.” Junhong handed him his phone back, much to Himchan’s relief. Having Jongup’s picture all to himself was one thing but showing it around to his family just made it all seem so much more real than he was ready for. “Just in case you thought that. He never even goes out with the rest the guys anymore. If he’s not working then he’s at home helping his mom with Rinnie.”
That was great for Zico, he was a sweet person and deserved recognition for his deeds. But it sucked to be his boyfriend when he was out there playing Mother Theresa for everyone else but him.
“He could still call every once in a while. Or visit more than once every four months.” He replied stubbornly.
“Yeah, that was pretty dumb of him. But maybe he was more dumb for thinking you would understand and wait patiently because you loved him.” Junhong’s eyes were far too old for his age, Himchan thought to himself. Where did his punk teenage brother go and when did this serious young man come from? “He’d do anything for the people he loves and that pretty much only includes his mom, his sister and you. If you had told him that you were going to cheat on him for never visiting he would have come up in a heartbeat.”
“I never chea-“
“We both know you cheated.” Junhong pulled the keys out of the ignition and shook his head at his brother before opening his door. “You may not have screwed around with this Jongup kid yet but we both know you’re going to. And that’s cheating.”
---
Zico met him at the door the next morning with an ear to ear grin on his face and open arms. “I’m now a fully legal and out of high school adult. No more feeling like a creepy old man.”
“I never felt like a creepy old man.”
“Well then no more of me feeling like you’re a creep.” Zico’s eyes curled under as he laughed at Himchan’s annoyed face. “Mom is at work for the entire day and Rinnie is leaving in an hour and then it’s just you and me. We can order a pizza, rent movies, take a nap, anything you want. No more having to coordinate schedules or leave voicemails just to hear each other’s voices.”
He let Zico pull him into the house. The excitement was infectious and he felt himself looking forward to a whole day of just him and his boyfriend, no distractions, no interruptions, nothing that could take away from this much-needed break for the two.
Rinnie sat at the table in her pajamas trying to shove an entire waffle into her mouth in one bite. “I have waffles!” She tried to greet him around a mouthful of breakfast but failed, the dough spraying across the table with every word.
“If you had gotten up at a normal hour you would already be done with breakfast.” Zico chastised her, but gently wiped around her lips with a napkin anyways. “What were you doing all night? It sounded like you had a party thumping in your room.”
“Dancing!” She stood up on her seat to show off her new sparkly tutu. “Isn’t it pretty? Zico Oppa bought it for me after my surgery.”
Zico eyed the crusted food on the hem with a grimace. “Maybe you should take it off while you eat. It’s starting to look a little nasty.”
“No!” She glared at him as she sat down and resumed her breakfast. “Maybe you should take off your face. It’s starting to look ugly.”
Himchan choked on the glass of orange juice he had poured while they were talking. “She’s got a point.”
“You’re both assholes.” Zico reached out to pinch their sides at the same time, earning identical shrieks of pain. “I can tell we’re I’m not wanted.” He strolled out of the kitchen and into the living room, leaving them alone and rubbing their bruises.
“Mommy says he needs a vacation.” Rinnie licked her syrup-covered lips. “She says he’s going to have a nervous breakdown when he’s twenty.” The adult words rolled easily off her tongue so Himchan knew it was something she had heard over and over and stored in her head but had no clue what it meant.
He sat down next to her at the table and picked at a fallen strawberry on the place mat in front of him. “He’s a good big brother though. Maybe you should apologize for saying he was ugly. Do you really mean that?”
She slumped down in her seat and her hair landed directly in the pile of syrup, much to Himchan’s disgust. “Uh-uh. I just wanted to hurt his feelings. Do you think it worked?”
Himchan nodded as he tried to swipe a napkin through her hair but only ended up smearing the syrup even further up the strands. “Oppa does a lot for you. Don’t be mean to him, Rinnie. He loves you a lot. We both do.”
Her lower lip sucked into her mouth and her deep brown eyes widened in shock. “You love me? Really?” She shyly lowered her head again and looked up at him through her bangs. “Does this mean I’m your girlfriend just like Zico?”
“I heard that!”
He ignored Zico’s shout from the living room and nodded to her. “But you have to always remember that I only make nice girls my girlfriend. I don’t want to marry someone that’s mean to people.”
Rinnie sighed and pushed her plate away. “I’ll go apologize.” She mumbled, stomping towards the door. “I’m sorry I called you ugly.” Himchan could hear her giggling as she tripped trying to run towards her bedroom. “But I’m even sorrier it’s true!”
The door slammed shut behind her and clicked as she locked it, the sound of her high-pitched laughter loud in the quiet house.
“She’s becoming quite the sweetheart.” Himchan commented, falling onto the couch beside Zico and burying his face into the soft t-shirt that smelled like equal parts boyfriend and happiness. “Are you sure you brought home the right kid after her surgery?”
Zico smiled as he looked down at the head in his lap. His fingers stroked gently through Himchan’s black hair as they heard the sound of Rinnie’s radio turned on and set to blaring from her bedroom. “I have news. It’s kind of good.”
“Kind of?” Himchan peered up at him through suspicious eyes. “How can something be kind of good? Either it is or it isn’t.”
“I might have another job.” At Zico’s blurted reply, Himchan could feel the walls shrinking in on him again because he knew it, he fucking knew it. It was always about more jobs with Zico. More money, more shifts, more distractions. “No, wait-“ Zico tried to hold him still when Himchan shifted away from him. “It’s a better job. One with more money, a lot more money, and easier hours and it’s something I could really enjoy doing.”
He’d heard this before, the exact same promises that never quite panned out to reality. “Shut up.” He whispered, trying to pull his arms out of Zico’s grip. “You’re never going to change. Things are never going to be different.”
“Would you just listen for a damn second?” Zico snapped, shoving Himchan into the couch and throwing his body over top. “I mean it this time!”
“You always mean it!” Himchan had come here this morning with a smile on his face because things were better, things were looking up, and he should have known Zico would find a way to ruin it because that’s all he was able to do anymore. “Every month you mean it! I’ve found a way to come see you more, Himchan. We can spend next weekend together, Himchan. I love you and I’m trying to make this work, Himchan.” He blinked the hot tears in the corners of his eyes away because he’d be damned if he let Zico see him cry again. “You never meant any of that did you.”
Zico stared at him with parted lips and wet eyes. “Of course I did. I would never lie to you. How could you even think that?”
He scrubbed his face clean and turned his head away because one more second of looking at Zico and he would lose it. “I think we should break up.”
“What?” Zico tensed on top of him, the word barely managed through gritted teeth. “What are you talking about? We’re just in a rough pa-“
“It’s been a rough year, Zico.” The only thing his mother had ever taught him that he was thankful for was how to shut off his feelings. Let the ice course through his body until he was frozen and emotionless. The realization of what he was doing would come later, but right now he needed to push everything away so that he could do this without looking back. “Our whole relationship has been rough. I’m sick of it.”
Zico shook his head, fingers grabbing at Himchan’s shirt and face, trying to make him look at him again. “No, no, no this isn’t what you want. You love me, you love me so much you fucking turned gay for me.”
“And you obviously didn’t care enough.” Himchan knew the words were lies. He knew Zico loved him more than he had ever loved anything and that this would break him in two when he walked away. But they couldn’t stay together like this. “I’m starting to hate you, Zico.” He finally let himself look back up and if he was a weaker man he would have taken every word back, apologized for every lie he was saying. Zico was bordering on hysterical above him and he needed to get out before he stopped himself from doing what needed to be done. “Please get off me.”
“No.” His boyfriend, ex-boyfriend now, choked on a sob and pulled Himchan’s body off the couch and into his arms. “No, please don’t do this, please Princess. Whatever I did I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, just please don’t leave.”
Once again, the word on the tip of his tongue threatened to break free but this time there was no anger in his body as he thought Jongup’s name, only remorse.
“I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll quit all of the jobs, I’ll move up there, just-“ Zico broke off, his face buried in Himchan’s neck. “Don’t. Don’t.”
“Let me go, Zico.” He carefully pried Zico’s arms from around him. Thankfully Rinnie’s radio was so loud she wouldn’t be able to hear her brother’s pleading from her room. “This isn’t like last time when I left. This isn’t because I’m unsure. It’s because I’m so tired of waiting on you that I don’t even think I care anymore.”
“You’re lying.” Zico realized he was playing a losing game and gave up trying to hold him back, his arms resting rigidly on his legs. “You’re going to regret this.”
The words weren’t meant to be a threat. Himchan knew Zico would never in a million years hurt him. But of course he would regret it. He would probably regret it every second for the rest of his life, but at least he could say he tried. They ignored the elephant in the room for so long until it was impossible to overlook any longer. Himchan was just the first one to give up.
“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing he could say but even it didn’t feel good enough for what had just happened between them.
He turned towards the door and leaned down to grab his shoes when Zico spoke up quietly from behind him, still staring down at the couch seat.
“Is it someone else?” The surprise question made Himchan pause, the split second response giving Zico all the answers he needed. “Is it another boy?”
Himchan turned the door knob, but couldn’t leave without giving him an answer. After everything they had been through Zico deserved the truth.
“His name is Jongup.” He murmured. He let himself look back one last time because a part of him wanted to see Zico’s face when he found out. The look of complete devastation should have filled him with guilt but he felt vindication because now Zico knew what his staying away for so long had done to them. “Good luck with your new job.”
The second he left all of the walls he had built around himself crumbled to the ground and he barely made it to his car before the panic rolling through his body emerged in a sob muffled into his fist.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and shakily dialed his brother’s number. The street was thankfully clear around him because if it wasn’t he would have side-swiped every single car on the block as he made a hurried exit home.
“I told him.”
Junhong sighed on the other end. “Is he okay?”
Himchan barked out a dry laugh. “Not really.”
“Are you coming home? Do I need to come pick you up?”
The car across the street blared its horn at him as he raced through a red light without even stopping.
“I’m fine.” He switched the call to speakerphone and used his free hand to dig nails deep into his palm. The only thing he needed right now was something to distract him from the realization at what he had just done. Trading his heartache for a physical pain helped keep his head steady. “Can you- Could you maybe go over there? He has Rinnie and…” Himchan suddenly realized that their breaking up meant he would never see Rinnie again and it hit him like a punch to the face. “He needs someone with him.”
“I’m on my way. I’ll leave Yongguk here for you. He gives great hugs but don’t get too comfortable.” Junhong hung up making Himchan drive the rest of the way home with only his staggered breathing for company.
part four