The Reeducation of Himchan part two
Pairing: ZiChan/HimUp (side BangLo and DaeJae)
Rated: PG13
Length: 5.7K
part one
Yongguk wasn’t stupid by any means. He may have been slow on the uptake and sometimes things went right over his head, but even he could see that Himchan was a completely different person lately. “You’re going out again tonight? Didn’t you just go bowling two nights ago?”
He adjusted his shirt collar and reached for the cologne in the back of the cabinet. “Is it a crime to go bowling? I think we’re going to a movie this time. Youngjae said it’s supposed to be hilarious but that’s not saying much coming from him.”
“So you’ve been going out with Daehyun and Youngjae all this time?” Yongguk was still lost. “Doesn’t that get uncomfortable?”
“Not really. I’m used to their sappy dates by now. Jongup and I make a drinking game of it. Every time they use a pet name or touch an under the clothes body part we have to take a shot. It’s not healthy when you’re drunk by eight PM every night but it’s funny as hell.”
Yongguk was finally starting to catch on and he didn’t look happy. “Jongup? Who is that?”
Himchan froze when he realized his mistake. He’d been so good the last few weeks about not ever mentioning his name and here he goes messing everything up just because he was in a hurry.
“He’s a friend of Youngjae’s. We all get along so the four of us like to do things together.”
“You mean like a double date.” Yongguk’s hand slid into his pocket and Himchan could tell he was dying to call Junhong and tell him about it. “When was the last time you talked to Zico?”
“Four days ago.” Himchan’s jaw ticked in annoyance. “He called to tell me his graduation was this weekend.”
Their conversation was stilted. Zico had sounded timid, like he was afraid of what Himchan might say. And Himchan had been eating ice cream with Jongup at the mall and didn’t feel like making awkward small talk so they had only spoken for a few minutes.
Yongguk nodded. “I told Junhong we’d head out Friday morning so we could all go out for dinner beforehand.”
He was happy for Yongguk and his brother. Now Junhong could officially move in since he had been accepted at their school for the fall semester. The apartment would be cramped for a while but Himchan didn’t think he would stick around much longer anyways.
“You’d tell me if you were doing something stupid, right?” Yongguk’s hand finally came out of his pocket and he turned back into the caring friend that had disappeared the day he’d met Junhong. “I know we don’t talk as much anymore but I’m always here if you need someone to vent to.”
“I’m not doing anything with Jongup.” He knew that wasn’t completely true, but it wasn’t a lie either. “Not yet.”
“Not yet?”
“I’m not going to cheat on Zico.” Liar, his mind taunted him. You’ve been cheating on him in your thoughts for two weeks. “But at least Jongup’s here. I’ve seen him more in the last three days than I’ve seen my own boyfriend for months. It’s just getting old, Yongguk.”
He didn’t look convinced but two years as Himchan’s roommate had taught him to pick his battles and how could he argue with him when Himchan looked so happy to be going out? When was the last time he had seen him with a smile on his face? The fact that he couldn’t remember made Yongguk fill with guilt. He was supposed to be his best friend and help keep an eye on him for Junhong.
“Just be careful, Channie. Don’t do anything you might regret until you can at least talk things out with Zico this weekend.”
Himchan kept his mouth shut, refusing to make that promise. “I’ll be back late tonight. Don’t wait up and don’t call my brother if you’re worried. He sent me thirty-eight articles about the dangers of overdrinking that were way too graphic.”
---
“If this movie sucks then we can leave anytime.” Jongup murmured against his ear as they waited in the long line to the theater. “I doubt they will even notice we’ve left.”
Youngjae and Daehyun were in front of them in the line, their pinkies hooked together and both boys laughing at something on their phones.
“He promised to take us out for drinks after the movie.” He glanced over his shoulder, no longer feeling the sense of terror when Jongup’s face was so close to his own. “Are you really going to pass that up?”
Jongup let the movement of the crowd press him a little closer until his chest was flat against Himchan’s back. “For it to be just you and me tonight? Definitely.”
The grin on his face had to be obvious to even the blindest man. “What else would we do then?”
“Anything you want.” Jongup’s fingers toyed with the bottom of Himchan’s shirt. “We could find another movie to sneak into, or go get something to eat. Or we could go somewhere and just talk.”
“Talk?” Himchan didn’t know what else they could possibly talk about that hadn’t already been covered in the last two weeks. “Aren’t you sick of me yet?”
Jongup laughed, the vibrations traveling through Himchan’s shirt and into his skin. “Only a little.”
He took a few steps forward as the line finally started to move. The two boys in front of them were still in their own world and weren’t even paying attention to their conversation. “Okay.” He stepped out of the line tapped Daehyun on the shoulder. “We’re leaving.”
“You’re going?” Daehyun frowned. “But we just got here. The movie starts in twenty minutes.”
“I don’t know about Himchan, but I don’t want to watch Youngjae shove his tongue down your throat for two hours.” The hand around Himchan’s own pulled him backwards as Jongup headed for the metro. “Call us after the movie and we’ll meet back up together.”
Youngjae’s eyes flicked downwards to where Jongup held Himchan’s hand in a tight squeeze and he grinned. “Okay, that’s fine.” He shook his head when Daehyun’s mouth opened again to complain. “Let them go, Dae. They would have been boring the whole time anyways. Himchan won’t even let him kiss him until he breaks up with Zico.”
His cheeks were blushing pink until they finally moved out of hearing range. Daehyun was the one he had been confiding to about his feelings for Jongup and obviously the little bastard was running straight to Youngjae and tattling.
“Just ignore them. They’re jealous that we can spend time alone without being attached to each other.”
Almost every second he had been with Zico since they had started dating consisted of being naked in Himchan’s bed. He couldn’t even recall the last time they had a complete conversation that didn’t end with Zico shoving him against the wall and reaching for their zippers.
“Zico called me.” They didn’t make it a habit of mentioning Himchan’s boyfriend but Jongup always proved to be calm and sensible anytime Zico’s name came out. He gave Himchan advice and even told him to try and make it work if that’s what he really wanted. “Junhong and him are graduating this weekend.”
“Are you going?” Jongup pulled his hand away and the loss of contact was jarring.
“Yeah. I mean, I can’t miss my little brother’s graduation. We’re packing his stuff up afterwards and he’s moving in with Yongguk.” His fingers felt cold without Jongup’s warm touch on his skin. “I don’t know what to do, Jongup.”
Jongup nodded, but his eyes wouldn’t meet Himchan’s and he stayed a safe distance away. “You’re going to do whatever you want because it’s your choice and no one else’s. But Jesus, make a decision and get it over with. You’re killing me, Himchan.” He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and sighed, forcing everyone else to move around him. “I like you, okay? A lot. And I know you feel something for me, too. Right?”
“Yes.” Himchan licked his lips and wondered why he was so terrified that Jongup was planning to leave him when they weren’t even dating.
“Then choose me.” Jongup’s face crumpled and Himchan hurriedly jerked him into the alleyway so no one could see him falling apart. “Choose me and forget Zico.”
The only part of Jongup he could see was his hair as the smaller boy fell into his arms and tried to swallow his sobbing against Himchan’s neck. “Jongup-“
“I’ve been so good. I’ve tried so hard to pretend like I don’t care that you’re still with him. You ask me if you should break up with him and I don’t even beg you to because I want you to be happy and if it’s not with me then at least find someone better than him.”
The whole time Jongup was having a long-overdue breakdown in his arms all Himchan could think about was that for the first time he was the one taking care of someone. He was the one that someone needed for once.
“You never had to pretend with me, Jongup.” His fingers stroked through Jongup’s shaggy brown hair and his palm smoothed across the tight muscles of his back. “You should always be able to tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I think you’re stupid.” Jongup’s voice was muffled and with every syllable he made Himchan’s skin prickle with want. “I think your boyfriend treats you like dirt and you deserve better.” He lifted his head and Himchan’s heart broke to see the tear tracks lining his cheek. “And I may not deserve you but I sure as hell would treat you better.”
Himchan watched the way Jongup nervously chewed on his lower hip waiting for him to answer and all of a sudden he wanted to know exactly what his chapped lips would feel like pressed against Himchan’s own. Wanted to taste him until he had memorized every flavor of his skin. He wanted to press Jongup into his bed and tell him all the reasons that he did deserve him.
“Okay.” He had to clear his throat because the normal cocky Jongup made his body hum with excitement, but this vulnerable version in front of him had Himchan practically filling up and spilling over with want. “Okay, but you really…” He tugged on his uncomfortably tight pants and hoped Jongup didn’t look down. “You really need to step back a few feet because you’re making it really difficult for me to think right now.”
Jongup’s eyes narrowed and the scared, shy boy disappeared again, leaving behind the Jongup who knew exactly what he was doing to him.
“It’s okay you know.” At Himchan’s confused look he smiled and leaned forward, his lips brushing softly against the curve of Himchan’s ear. “That you won’t kiss me yet. It will just make you want me more. And you never said anything about me kissing you.”
Before Himchan could open his mouth to question him, Jongup had drawn the lobe of his ear between his teeth and scraped them across the fleshy skin. Everything Jongup did was different, was new, and Himchan felt his legs turning to jelly with each soft kiss against his jawbone.
“Don’t break my heart.” The words where barely loud enough to be heard but Himchan felt each word like a bomb inside his chest. No matter which direction he went there would always be someone hurt.
---
The whole ride home on Friday was painful. The clock counting up the minutes combined with Yongguk’s excited chattering was like a sledgehammer to Himchan’s mind. He missed Zico, but he was still so hurt from their separation that he wasn’t even sure that he wanted to see him right now.
The phone call on his cell went to voicemail last night and Himchan still hadn’t had the strength to listen to the message. This was it, this was the end of the line and someone had to jump off the crashing train first.
“Junhong’s already packed some of his stuff up. I told him to only bring what he can’t live without because our room is too small to store much. His skateboard collection is going to have to stay home. You should have heard the things he said to me for that.” Yongguk glanced at Himchan out of the corner of his eye when there was no response. “You okay?”
“Do you think I’m always looking for drama?” The question had been eating at his thoughts ever since Zico had spit it out at him. Even his own brother used it to describe him on a regular basis. Yongguk was the only person who would tell him the truth even if he didn’t want to hear it.
His roommate was silent while he thought about the question. “I think that for some reason you’re a magnet for drama but I don’t believe you’re necessarily looking for it.” He finally responded tactfully. “Why the sudden worry?”
“Just wondering.” He drew a moon shape into the foggy breath on the window. “I love Zico and I didn’t want us to grow so far apart.” The ache in his chest for what they used to have was so deep and so intense that sometimes he couldn’t breathe past it. “He makes me miserable, Guk. So fucking miserable.”
Yongguk had slowly watched the brightness dim in Himchan’s eyes over the past months, but he never realized it had gotten this bad.
“This Jongup kid… Do you like him a lot?”
Himchan nodded, a rare smile crossing his lips . “I do. He’s a lot like Zico but he’s sweeter. He hasn’t had to go through everything Zico has so I don’t think I’ve ever even see him in a bad mood. I like his innocence.” His nose wrinkled and he grimaced. “That sounded a lot less gross in my head.”
“It’s not gross.” Yongguk felt like he needed to defend his own younger, but decidedly less innocent, boyfriend. “You want to be with someone less complicated. Zico will understand that. Maybe not yet. Chances are you’ll come home with a black eye if you tell him you’ve been seeing someone else. But down the road he’ll see that you didn’t do this to hurt him.”
He didn’t believe that.
With a sigh he finally turned his cell phone back on and waited for it to power up. Alerts rang in one after the other with texts from Daehyun and Youngjae, voicemails from his brother and one picture of Jongup with the words have fun visiting home and call me!! underneath it. He grinned as he saved the photo into his album because it was the first one he had of Jongup and this three day visit would be the longest they’d been apart since meeting almost three weeks ago.
“He’s cute.” Yongguk glanced at the phone out of the corner of his eye. “Looks even younger than Junhong. You sure he’s in college?”
Himchan nodded and felt relief flood him that there was no accusation in Yongguk’s tone, just mild curiosity. “He’s an engineer major. Youngjae met him at the gym. He’s really sweet, Yongguk. I think you would like him.”
“It’s your apartment, too. You can bring him over anytime you want. Not sure how your brother would take it though.”
He chewed his lip and contemplated breaking the news to him that he had been thinking about for a few months now. “I think I’m going to search for a new apartment for the next semester.” At the unexpected news Yongguk’s hands jerked on the steering wheel and he ran a tire into the grass. “We barely fit in that tiny place as it is and you and Junhong would be happier by yourselves than with a third wheel hanging around.”
“Himchan that’s completely stupid and you know it.” Yongguk’s fingers tightened angrily around the wheel. “Junhong’s been looking forward to living with the both of us. He adores the fuck out of you and it would make him cry if he knew you wanted to leave.”
“But the apartment’s s-“
Yongguk shook his head and cut his argument off. “The apartment is small and it’s going to be a tight squeeze, but we’ll make it work. You’re not leaving. End of discussion.” With the topic closed he turned the radio up to drown out any other stupid comments Himchan planned on making.
He figured now was as good a time as any to listen to Zico’s voicemail because it might be important and he hadn’t heard the sound of his voice in days. No matter what was happening inside of his heart he knew without a doubt that what he had felt for Zico was love. The feel of his lips sliding across his own, the soft brush of fingertips through his hair as he fell asleep on the few nights they had been able to spend together, all of it was full of soul-crushing heart-shaking love.
“I thought you’d be free since your business class ended an hour ago, but I guess you’re out.” Zico let out a breath and Himchan could hear the happiness being forced into his tone. “Come by when you get in because Rinnie is excited to see you. Mom let her stay home from school so she didn’t miss your visit. If I don’t get to talk to you until tomorrow then have a safe trip. And I love you, Princess.”
“You okay, Channie?”
He hurriedly brushed the tear off of his cheek and nodded. “Yeah.” The dryness in his throat threatened to choke him. “I’m fine.”
---
“Gukkie!” The scream from inside the house was probably heard through their entire neighborhood when Junhong saw their car pull up. Yongguk’s grin stretched from ear to ear and he braced himself against the car door so that his much taller boyfriend could jump at him in excitement. “Hi, hi, hi. I missed you. You said I could only bring three boxes of stuff but I packed six. We need to go through your closet anyways because some of your clothes are ugly.” He noticed Himchan struggling to remove his suitcase from the trunk and screeched wildly as he made another jump towards his brother. “Himchan! I’ve called you and texted you a million times!”
He felt the air leaving his lungs as his younger brother squeezed him to the point of passing out. “Too tight, Junhonggie.”
“Oh. Sorry.” He was dropped back to the ground with an unmanly grunt of pain. “Anyways, mom and dad won’t be home until after four so unless you really want to listen to-“
“I’m leaving.” Himchan held a hand up to stop him from completing whatever disgusting thing he was planning on doing to Yongguk. “Zico said to come over and see him and Rinnie.”
Junhong darted his eyes quickly towards Yongguk and Himchan knew his roommate had spilled everything going on with him. “How are… Things?”
“Like hell?” Himchan handed his suitcase to Yongguk to take inside and closed the trunk. “But I don’t really think we’ll be able to talk with Rinnie there.”
“Himchan…” His brother squirmed uncomfortably beside him. “Tonight after graduation do you think me and you could talk? Just us two?”
He nodded. “Sure. About what?”
Instead of answering, Junhong frowned as if Himchan was dumb for even having to ask. “Tell Zico I said hi. And don’t forget we’re going to dinner before graduation.”
Himchan still had four hours until he was supposed to be back but he honestly wasn’t sure what he and Zico could possibly do to fill the four hours since Rinnie was home. They hadn’t had a full conversation in so long that he didn’t know what to even talk about anymore.
He pulled over to a parking lot halfway to Zico’s and took a second to calm the rapid heartbeat inside his chest. Visiting his boyfriend shouldn’t have been so nerve-wracking that he would rather run back to his apartment and hide under the covers for a month.
The phone in the passenger seat buzzed with a text and it made him smile to see Daehyun’s rows of emoticons and exclamation points. He forwarded the congratulations message to Junhong but instead of putting the phone back when he was done he pressed the button for his photo album. Jongup’s picture was there, safe and sound, and so comforting that it immediately made the panic inside of him disappear because that was one of the things he liked the most about Jongup. No matter what was happening around them, there was always a quiet bubble surrounding them when they were together. Jongup kept him calm and happy.
I’m kind of freaking out.
Jongup texted back right away, the question mark followed by a smiley face and a thumbs up.
I wish I hadn’t of came.
Nothing will ever change if you don’t stand up for yourself. Jongup never even mentioned the possibility that Himchan would cower down again because he had faith in him. Just say what you’re feeling and everything will be okay. Don’t be scared to tell the truth.
He missed Jongup’s gentleness more than anything right now. The soft voice against his chest as he told him goodbye every night, the way he would always turn back to smile at Himchan before he entered his dorm, every ounce of Jongup was what he needed right now.
Just be Himchan. I like him and he’s never let me down so far.
It was nice to hear because it felt like he’d done nothing but let everyone else down so far.
---
“Himchan Oppa! Himchan Oppa!” Rinnie was just as loud as Junhong had been as she careened out of the door and into his arms.
Her long hair was in his mouth but he was smiling too hard to even notice. “There’s my sweetheart. Did you miss me?”
“Yes, yes, yes! Did you bring me a present?”
The random question made him laugh as he shook his head. “Sorry Rinnie, I live in a college town and there’s no toy stores nearby. Why don’t you dig through the cup holders and see if there’s any Yongguk left behind.”
She jumped out of his arms and pushed him out of the way to climb across the seat. “Oooh there’s bubble gum!”
“Don’t be greedy, Rinnie.” Zico spoke up from behind Himchan, the sound making his palms start to sweat. When his arms encircled Himchan’s waist and his head pressed against his spine, Himchan tried to push down the flutter of happiness in his heart because he was still so angry and Zico didn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing he loved being held. “Princess.”
“You know I hate that name.”
“No you don’t.” Zico’s grip tightened around him almost like he was trying to crawl inside Himchan and never come out. “You love it because you love me.”
There was never any question about that. Not to Himchan. He loved Zico and he would always love Zico and nothing about that statement would ever change.
But loving someone and liking someone were two different things and lately he didn’t like Zico at all.
“Why didn’t you work today?”
Zico turned him around and gave him a quick onceover, smiling at him with the grin he only used for the people he loved. “Because you were coming home you idiot. Maybe I missed you.”
“Maybe you could have seen me anytime you wanted but wouldn’t ever let me visit.”
The harsh words made Zico’s smile falter a little, but he shrugged it off. “It’s too much money in gas to come out here just to see me for an hour or two. And I work so much that I hardly ever know in advance what days I’ll be home.” He tugged Himchan towards the house. “You’re here now, I’m here now, Rinnie’s occupied. Let’s go inside.”
There was no doubt in Himchan’s mind was Zico was hinting at. He couldn’t help the soft breath of air when as soon as the door slammed shut behind them he found himself pressed against the wall with his legs around Zico’s waist. “Wait-“
“I’ve missed you so much it hurts to even wake up in the morning.” Zico nosed along the curve of his jaw, breathing in Himchan’s scent. “You’re going to be lucky if I don’t chain you to my bed and make you stay there.”
He dropped his head against Zico’s shoulder, biting back whimpers. The dull teeth lodged against his shoulder hurt like hell but he didn’t even care. His body was starved for Zico’s touch on his flesh and he had to use every ounce of his strength to keep his eyes open and his brain from shutting down. “Zico… Please…”
“Please what?” Zico’s palm slowly started to travel up his ribcage and if he didn’t stop soon then Himchan was going to lose it and forget everything they were supposed to talk about.
“S-Stop.” He felt relief when Zico dropped his legs and took a step back in confusion. “You can’t ignore me for months and then just do stuff like that.”
“You weren’t complaining three weeks ago when I was sucking your dick in the shower.”
Himchan winced at the crude words. He knew that when Zico was annoyed he didn’t tone down his language but it still hurt to hear him throw things back into his face.
“You caught me off-guard that day.”
Zico blinked before breaking out into a fake laugh. “So I have to prepare you for my visits? Excuse me Master but may I have permission to kiss my boyfriend? Is that good enough?”
“Don’t be a jerk.”
“Don’t be a whiny little bitch.”
He shook his head. Less than five minutes in and he was already tired of it. “Forget it. I’m leaving.”
“No, stop. I’m sorry.” Zico reached for him as he tried to grab for the doorknob. “I may kiss the ground you walk on but sometimes I want to set that ground on fire. Please don’t leave.” He pressed his cheek against Himchan’s hair and closed his eyes. “We don’t have to sleep together every time we see each other. I never meant for you to think that’s what I wanted. I mean, of course I want that, but if you’re not feeling it then we can do anything. We can just stare at each other if that’s what you need, just as long as you’re here.”
Himchan hated himself for always making Zico feel like he had to apologize. He was smart enough to know that their problems were because of both of them and they both needed to work together to fix them.
“I want to talk. We need to talk. About us.”
“Okay.” Zico eyed him warily but nodded. “Let me go get Rinnie.”
He left Himchan alone in the house while he went back out to gather up his little sister. Himchan collapsed with a groan onto the couch and cycled between emotions because once again he was lost at what he was supposed to say.
“I found enough money for ice cream! Oppa said he’d take us if I went to my room and only came out if I had to potty.” Rinnie popped her head over the couch and grinned a newly gapped-tooth smile down at him. “And two sticks of bubble gum, one ink pen and a packet of ramen seasoning.”
“What? Why would that be in th- Oh my god Rinnie, give that to me!” He snatched the unopened condom wrapper out of her hand and blushed a shade of red that would match a fire engine.
Zico looked at the condom for a few seconds longer than normal then raised an eyebrow at Himchan. “Yours?”
“Yongguk’s.” Himchan wrinkled his nose and shoved it into his pocket. “He and Junhong take the car out for ‘drives’ when I’m studying and they want to be alone. I don’t ask questions and when he’s done they fill the car up with gas so I’m not going to complain.”
Rinnie didn’t seem to notice their panic because she had a pile of new things and the promise of ice cream later. “I’m going to go count my money!”
She slammed her bedroom door behind her leaving the two boys staring at each other awkwardly.
“Do you want to stay out here or go to my room?”
The living room was safe but it made Himchan feel like they were in a business meeting. Zico’s room was more comfortable but going there made him feel guilty for some reason.
“Here.”
Zico’s eyes flashed with hurt but he kept his mouth closed, choosing to sit on the coffee table across from Himchan. His knees bumped playfully into his boyfriend’s and he reached forward to stroke across the tight denim of his jeans. “You look amazing, have I mentioned that?”
Sweet words spoken out of a wide grin still made his heart skip a beat inside his chest. He always rolled his eyes at Zico’s obsession with his legs but deep down he secretly loved that there was a spot on his body that Zico found it impossible to not touch.
“Thank you.” He grabbed Zico’s hand and brought it up to his cheek, rubbing against the palm and loving the feeling of the calloused fingers against his soft skin. “You always look good. Too skinny though.” The rare few times they had seen each other in the year since they had started dating he had noticed Zico getting skinnier and paler with every visit.
“I don’t have a lot of time to breathe, much less eat.” Zico’s mouth parted as he watched Himchan’s lips skim across his hand. “I took the entire weekend off so we’re going to eat until we throw up and then pass out in my bed and sleep until lunchtime.”
He let Zico pull him forward until he was in his arms again, all thoughts of anything else gone leaving nothing but how much he loved this boy and how Zico tried so hard to be good for him.
“I’m sorry.” He murmured against Zico’s neck, not wanting him to see the tears that threatened to roll from his eyes.
“For what?” Zico’s hands ran down his back and across his hips before darting under his t-shirt to stroke along his bare back. “I’m the one that’s a shit boyfriend, not you. You’re patient and you love me even if I don’t deserve it. You’re everything, Himchan. Just fucking everything.”
He hated himself. Things never should have gotten this far. Even if he never kissed Jongup that wasn’t enough to calm his guilt. He didn’t deserve anyone at this point.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t stop himself from rambling apologies, fingers bunching into Zico’s tank top and the sobs he had tried so hard to muffle now loud in the quiet room. Zico would hate him if he knew what he’d done behind his back, he would look at him with disgust and disbelief because no one should ever be that horrible to someone who loves them. “You’re too good for me.”
Zico carefully untangled himself from Himchan’s superman grip and held him at arm’s length. His eyes were leery as he stared intently into Himchan’s own. “You’re scaring me here, Princess. Did something happen?”
If he told him the truth he would lose him. Himchan knew that as sure as he knew his own name. Zico would scream at him to leave and he would never see him again and that reality hurt more than the thought of keeping secrets for the rest of his life.
But Jongup hadn’t done anything to deserve to be dragged into Himchan’s screwed up love life. He had only shown Himchan a taste of a normal relationship and now he craved that as much as he needed air.
“I can’t take not ever seeing you.” His voice cracked and he felt himself on the verge of breaking down again. “Why won’t you ever let me visit when I ask? Why can’t you spend the night once every month, is that too much to expect?”
Zico closed his eyes. “Of course not. You don’t think us being apart for so long hurts me, too? But dammit, Himchan… I can’t just abandon my mother and make her take care of Rinnie all alone. That’s not fair, not after everything she’s done for me. She needs me.”
“I need you. Me. Your boyfriend. The one you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. I need you and you’re never there.”
“Oppa?” Rinnie’s frightened voice had Himchan scrambling away and towards the corner of the couch where he swiped his hand over his eyes and refused to look anywhere but the floor. “Are you fighting?” She held her hand over her stomach and looked a little green. “I don’t feel very good.”
“No baby girl, we’re just sad. Are you hurting?” Zico forced his hands to unclench and stood up to guide his little sister to the bathroom. “I told you not to drink the rest of the milk for breakfast. Then you ran outside and got all excited when it was hot out. You’re lucky you haven’t thrown up yet.” While he waited for Rinnie to use the bathroom he quickly grabbed her a glass of water and a wet washcloth. “Sorry.” He whispered to Himchan as he walked past. “I guess this just proves your point, doesn’t it?”
Rinnie held tight to her brother’s arm and let him pat her forehead down. “Sorry I came out of my room, Oppa. You made me promise and I lied.”
He smiled as he wrapped the washcloth around the back of her neck and picked her up in his arms. “It’s okay to break a promise if it’s an emergency, Rinnie. Maybe next time you’ll listen to your older, smarter big brother when he tells you something is a bad idea, right?”
She nodded and waved sadly to Himchan until she passed out of sight of the living room.
The words that Zico had used stuck in his brain and he repeated them over and over and wondered if Zico would still believe them if they were thrown back at him.
It’s okay to break a promise if it’s an emergency.
Jongup had been an emergency. But he knew Zico wouldn’t see it that way.
part three
Rated: PG13
Length: 5.7K
part one
Yongguk wasn’t stupid by any means. He may have been slow on the uptake and sometimes things went right over his head, but even he could see that Himchan was a completely different person lately. “You’re going out again tonight? Didn’t you just go bowling two nights ago?”
He adjusted his shirt collar and reached for the cologne in the back of the cabinet. “Is it a crime to go bowling? I think we’re going to a movie this time. Youngjae said it’s supposed to be hilarious but that’s not saying much coming from him.”
“So you’ve been going out with Daehyun and Youngjae all this time?” Yongguk was still lost. “Doesn’t that get uncomfortable?”
“Not really. I’m used to their sappy dates by now. Jongup and I make a drinking game of it. Every time they use a pet name or touch an under the clothes body part we have to take a shot. It’s not healthy when you’re drunk by eight PM every night but it’s funny as hell.”
Yongguk was finally starting to catch on and he didn’t look happy. “Jongup? Who is that?”
Himchan froze when he realized his mistake. He’d been so good the last few weeks about not ever mentioning his name and here he goes messing everything up just because he was in a hurry.
“He’s a friend of Youngjae’s. We all get along so the four of us like to do things together.”
“You mean like a double date.” Yongguk’s hand slid into his pocket and Himchan could tell he was dying to call Junhong and tell him about it. “When was the last time you talked to Zico?”
“Four days ago.” Himchan’s jaw ticked in annoyance. “He called to tell me his graduation was this weekend.”
Their conversation was stilted. Zico had sounded timid, like he was afraid of what Himchan might say. And Himchan had been eating ice cream with Jongup at the mall and didn’t feel like making awkward small talk so they had only spoken for a few minutes.
Yongguk nodded. “I told Junhong we’d head out Friday morning so we could all go out for dinner beforehand.”
He was happy for Yongguk and his brother. Now Junhong could officially move in since he had been accepted at their school for the fall semester. The apartment would be cramped for a while but Himchan didn’t think he would stick around much longer anyways.
“You’d tell me if you were doing something stupid, right?” Yongguk’s hand finally came out of his pocket and he turned back into the caring friend that had disappeared the day he’d met Junhong. “I know we don’t talk as much anymore but I’m always here if you need someone to vent to.”
“I’m not doing anything with Jongup.” He knew that wasn’t completely true, but it wasn’t a lie either. “Not yet.”
“Not yet?”
“I’m not going to cheat on Zico.” Liar, his mind taunted him. You’ve been cheating on him in your thoughts for two weeks. “But at least Jongup’s here. I’ve seen him more in the last three days than I’ve seen my own boyfriend for months. It’s just getting old, Yongguk.”
He didn’t look convinced but two years as Himchan’s roommate had taught him to pick his battles and how could he argue with him when Himchan looked so happy to be going out? When was the last time he had seen him with a smile on his face? The fact that he couldn’t remember made Yongguk fill with guilt. He was supposed to be his best friend and help keep an eye on him for Junhong.
“Just be careful, Channie. Don’t do anything you might regret until you can at least talk things out with Zico this weekend.”
Himchan kept his mouth shut, refusing to make that promise. “I’ll be back late tonight. Don’t wait up and don’t call my brother if you’re worried. He sent me thirty-eight articles about the dangers of overdrinking that were way too graphic.”
---
“If this movie sucks then we can leave anytime.” Jongup murmured against his ear as they waited in the long line to the theater. “I doubt they will even notice we’ve left.”
Youngjae and Daehyun were in front of them in the line, their pinkies hooked together and both boys laughing at something on their phones.
“He promised to take us out for drinks after the movie.” He glanced over his shoulder, no longer feeling the sense of terror when Jongup’s face was so close to his own. “Are you really going to pass that up?”
Jongup let the movement of the crowd press him a little closer until his chest was flat against Himchan’s back. “For it to be just you and me tonight? Definitely.”
The grin on his face had to be obvious to even the blindest man. “What else would we do then?”
“Anything you want.” Jongup’s fingers toyed with the bottom of Himchan’s shirt. “We could find another movie to sneak into, or go get something to eat. Or we could go somewhere and just talk.”
“Talk?” Himchan didn’t know what else they could possibly talk about that hadn’t already been covered in the last two weeks. “Aren’t you sick of me yet?”
Jongup laughed, the vibrations traveling through Himchan’s shirt and into his skin. “Only a little.”
He took a few steps forward as the line finally started to move. The two boys in front of them were still in their own world and weren’t even paying attention to their conversation. “Okay.” He stepped out of the line tapped Daehyun on the shoulder. “We’re leaving.”
“You’re going?” Daehyun frowned. “But we just got here. The movie starts in twenty minutes.”
“I don’t know about Himchan, but I don’t want to watch Youngjae shove his tongue down your throat for two hours.” The hand around Himchan’s own pulled him backwards as Jongup headed for the metro. “Call us after the movie and we’ll meet back up together.”
Youngjae’s eyes flicked downwards to where Jongup held Himchan’s hand in a tight squeeze and he grinned. “Okay, that’s fine.” He shook his head when Daehyun’s mouth opened again to complain. “Let them go, Dae. They would have been boring the whole time anyways. Himchan won’t even let him kiss him until he breaks up with Zico.”
His cheeks were blushing pink until they finally moved out of hearing range. Daehyun was the one he had been confiding to about his feelings for Jongup and obviously the little bastard was running straight to Youngjae and tattling.
“Just ignore them. They’re jealous that we can spend time alone without being attached to each other.”
Almost every second he had been with Zico since they had started dating consisted of being naked in Himchan’s bed. He couldn’t even recall the last time they had a complete conversation that didn’t end with Zico shoving him against the wall and reaching for their zippers.
“Zico called me.” They didn’t make it a habit of mentioning Himchan’s boyfriend but Jongup always proved to be calm and sensible anytime Zico’s name came out. He gave Himchan advice and even told him to try and make it work if that’s what he really wanted. “Junhong and him are graduating this weekend.”
“Are you going?” Jongup pulled his hand away and the loss of contact was jarring.
“Yeah. I mean, I can’t miss my little brother’s graduation. We’re packing his stuff up afterwards and he’s moving in with Yongguk.” His fingers felt cold without Jongup’s warm touch on his skin. “I don’t know what to do, Jongup.”
Jongup nodded, but his eyes wouldn’t meet Himchan’s and he stayed a safe distance away. “You’re going to do whatever you want because it’s your choice and no one else’s. But Jesus, make a decision and get it over with. You’re killing me, Himchan.” He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and sighed, forcing everyone else to move around him. “I like you, okay? A lot. And I know you feel something for me, too. Right?”
“Yes.” Himchan licked his lips and wondered why he was so terrified that Jongup was planning to leave him when they weren’t even dating.
“Then choose me.” Jongup’s face crumpled and Himchan hurriedly jerked him into the alleyway so no one could see him falling apart. “Choose me and forget Zico.”
The only part of Jongup he could see was his hair as the smaller boy fell into his arms and tried to swallow his sobbing against Himchan’s neck. “Jongup-“
“I’ve been so good. I’ve tried so hard to pretend like I don’t care that you’re still with him. You ask me if you should break up with him and I don’t even beg you to because I want you to be happy and if it’s not with me then at least find someone better than him.”
The whole time Jongup was having a long-overdue breakdown in his arms all Himchan could think about was that for the first time he was the one taking care of someone. He was the one that someone needed for once.
“You never had to pretend with me, Jongup.” His fingers stroked through Jongup’s shaggy brown hair and his palm smoothed across the tight muscles of his back. “You should always be able to tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I think you’re stupid.” Jongup’s voice was muffled and with every syllable he made Himchan’s skin prickle with want. “I think your boyfriend treats you like dirt and you deserve better.” He lifted his head and Himchan’s heart broke to see the tear tracks lining his cheek. “And I may not deserve you but I sure as hell would treat you better.”
Himchan watched the way Jongup nervously chewed on his lower hip waiting for him to answer and all of a sudden he wanted to know exactly what his chapped lips would feel like pressed against Himchan’s own. Wanted to taste him until he had memorized every flavor of his skin. He wanted to press Jongup into his bed and tell him all the reasons that he did deserve him.
“Okay.” He had to clear his throat because the normal cocky Jongup made his body hum with excitement, but this vulnerable version in front of him had Himchan practically filling up and spilling over with want. “Okay, but you really…” He tugged on his uncomfortably tight pants and hoped Jongup didn’t look down. “You really need to step back a few feet because you’re making it really difficult for me to think right now.”
Jongup’s eyes narrowed and the scared, shy boy disappeared again, leaving behind the Jongup who knew exactly what he was doing to him.
“It’s okay you know.” At Himchan’s confused look he smiled and leaned forward, his lips brushing softly against the curve of Himchan’s ear. “That you won’t kiss me yet. It will just make you want me more. And you never said anything about me kissing you.”
Before Himchan could open his mouth to question him, Jongup had drawn the lobe of his ear between his teeth and scraped them across the fleshy skin. Everything Jongup did was different, was new, and Himchan felt his legs turning to jelly with each soft kiss against his jawbone.
“Don’t break my heart.” The words where barely loud enough to be heard but Himchan felt each word like a bomb inside his chest. No matter which direction he went there would always be someone hurt.
---
The whole ride home on Friday was painful. The clock counting up the minutes combined with Yongguk’s excited chattering was like a sledgehammer to Himchan’s mind. He missed Zico, but he was still so hurt from their separation that he wasn’t even sure that he wanted to see him right now.
The phone call on his cell went to voicemail last night and Himchan still hadn’t had the strength to listen to the message. This was it, this was the end of the line and someone had to jump off the crashing train first.
“Junhong’s already packed some of his stuff up. I told him to only bring what he can’t live without because our room is too small to store much. His skateboard collection is going to have to stay home. You should have heard the things he said to me for that.” Yongguk glanced at Himchan out of the corner of his eye when there was no response. “You okay?”
“Do you think I’m always looking for drama?” The question had been eating at his thoughts ever since Zico had spit it out at him. Even his own brother used it to describe him on a regular basis. Yongguk was the only person who would tell him the truth even if he didn’t want to hear it.
His roommate was silent while he thought about the question. “I think that for some reason you’re a magnet for drama but I don’t believe you’re necessarily looking for it.” He finally responded tactfully. “Why the sudden worry?”
“Just wondering.” He drew a moon shape into the foggy breath on the window. “I love Zico and I didn’t want us to grow so far apart.” The ache in his chest for what they used to have was so deep and so intense that sometimes he couldn’t breathe past it. “He makes me miserable, Guk. So fucking miserable.”
Yongguk had slowly watched the brightness dim in Himchan’s eyes over the past months, but he never realized it had gotten this bad.
“This Jongup kid… Do you like him a lot?”
Himchan nodded, a rare smile crossing his lips . “I do. He’s a lot like Zico but he’s sweeter. He hasn’t had to go through everything Zico has so I don’t think I’ve ever even see him in a bad mood. I like his innocence.” His nose wrinkled and he grimaced. “That sounded a lot less gross in my head.”
“It’s not gross.” Yongguk felt like he needed to defend his own younger, but decidedly less innocent, boyfriend. “You want to be with someone less complicated. Zico will understand that. Maybe not yet. Chances are you’ll come home with a black eye if you tell him you’ve been seeing someone else. But down the road he’ll see that you didn’t do this to hurt him.”
He didn’t believe that.
With a sigh he finally turned his cell phone back on and waited for it to power up. Alerts rang in one after the other with texts from Daehyun and Youngjae, voicemails from his brother and one picture of Jongup with the words have fun visiting home and call me!! underneath it. He grinned as he saved the photo into his album because it was the first one he had of Jongup and this three day visit would be the longest they’d been apart since meeting almost three weeks ago.
“He’s cute.” Yongguk glanced at the phone out of the corner of his eye. “Looks even younger than Junhong. You sure he’s in college?”
Himchan nodded and felt relief flood him that there was no accusation in Yongguk’s tone, just mild curiosity. “He’s an engineer major. Youngjae met him at the gym. He’s really sweet, Yongguk. I think you would like him.”
“It’s your apartment, too. You can bring him over anytime you want. Not sure how your brother would take it though.”
He chewed his lip and contemplated breaking the news to him that he had been thinking about for a few months now. “I think I’m going to search for a new apartment for the next semester.” At the unexpected news Yongguk’s hands jerked on the steering wheel and he ran a tire into the grass. “We barely fit in that tiny place as it is and you and Junhong would be happier by yourselves than with a third wheel hanging around.”
“Himchan that’s completely stupid and you know it.” Yongguk’s fingers tightened angrily around the wheel. “Junhong’s been looking forward to living with the both of us. He adores the fuck out of you and it would make him cry if he knew you wanted to leave.”
“But the apartment’s s-“
Yongguk shook his head and cut his argument off. “The apartment is small and it’s going to be a tight squeeze, but we’ll make it work. You’re not leaving. End of discussion.” With the topic closed he turned the radio up to drown out any other stupid comments Himchan planned on making.
He figured now was as good a time as any to listen to Zico’s voicemail because it might be important and he hadn’t heard the sound of his voice in days. No matter what was happening inside of his heart he knew without a doubt that what he had felt for Zico was love. The feel of his lips sliding across his own, the soft brush of fingertips through his hair as he fell asleep on the few nights they had been able to spend together, all of it was full of soul-crushing heart-shaking love.
“I thought you’d be free since your business class ended an hour ago, but I guess you’re out.” Zico let out a breath and Himchan could hear the happiness being forced into his tone. “Come by when you get in because Rinnie is excited to see you. Mom let her stay home from school so she didn’t miss your visit. If I don’t get to talk to you until tomorrow then have a safe trip. And I love you, Princess.”
“You okay, Channie?”
He hurriedly brushed the tear off of his cheek and nodded. “Yeah.” The dryness in his throat threatened to choke him. “I’m fine.”
---
“Gukkie!” The scream from inside the house was probably heard through their entire neighborhood when Junhong saw their car pull up. Yongguk’s grin stretched from ear to ear and he braced himself against the car door so that his much taller boyfriend could jump at him in excitement. “Hi, hi, hi. I missed you. You said I could only bring three boxes of stuff but I packed six. We need to go through your closet anyways because some of your clothes are ugly.” He noticed Himchan struggling to remove his suitcase from the trunk and screeched wildly as he made another jump towards his brother. “Himchan! I’ve called you and texted you a million times!”
He felt the air leaving his lungs as his younger brother squeezed him to the point of passing out. “Too tight, Junhonggie.”
“Oh. Sorry.” He was dropped back to the ground with an unmanly grunt of pain. “Anyways, mom and dad won’t be home until after four so unless you really want to listen to-“
“I’m leaving.” Himchan held a hand up to stop him from completing whatever disgusting thing he was planning on doing to Yongguk. “Zico said to come over and see him and Rinnie.”
Junhong darted his eyes quickly towards Yongguk and Himchan knew his roommate had spilled everything going on with him. “How are… Things?”
“Like hell?” Himchan handed his suitcase to Yongguk to take inside and closed the trunk. “But I don’t really think we’ll be able to talk with Rinnie there.”
“Himchan…” His brother squirmed uncomfortably beside him. “Tonight after graduation do you think me and you could talk? Just us two?”
He nodded. “Sure. About what?”
Instead of answering, Junhong frowned as if Himchan was dumb for even having to ask. “Tell Zico I said hi. And don’t forget we’re going to dinner before graduation.”
Himchan still had four hours until he was supposed to be back but he honestly wasn’t sure what he and Zico could possibly do to fill the four hours since Rinnie was home. They hadn’t had a full conversation in so long that he didn’t know what to even talk about anymore.
He pulled over to a parking lot halfway to Zico’s and took a second to calm the rapid heartbeat inside his chest. Visiting his boyfriend shouldn’t have been so nerve-wracking that he would rather run back to his apartment and hide under the covers for a month.
The phone in the passenger seat buzzed with a text and it made him smile to see Daehyun’s rows of emoticons and exclamation points. He forwarded the congratulations message to Junhong but instead of putting the phone back when he was done he pressed the button for his photo album. Jongup’s picture was there, safe and sound, and so comforting that it immediately made the panic inside of him disappear because that was one of the things he liked the most about Jongup. No matter what was happening around them, there was always a quiet bubble surrounding them when they were together. Jongup kept him calm and happy.
I’m kind of freaking out.
Jongup texted back right away, the question mark followed by a smiley face and a thumbs up.
I wish I hadn’t of came.
Nothing will ever change if you don’t stand up for yourself. Jongup never even mentioned the possibility that Himchan would cower down again because he had faith in him. Just say what you’re feeling and everything will be okay. Don’t be scared to tell the truth.
He missed Jongup’s gentleness more than anything right now. The soft voice against his chest as he told him goodbye every night, the way he would always turn back to smile at Himchan before he entered his dorm, every ounce of Jongup was what he needed right now.
Just be Himchan. I like him and he’s never let me down so far.
It was nice to hear because it felt like he’d done nothing but let everyone else down so far.
---
“Himchan Oppa! Himchan Oppa!” Rinnie was just as loud as Junhong had been as she careened out of the door and into his arms.
Her long hair was in his mouth but he was smiling too hard to even notice. “There’s my sweetheart. Did you miss me?”
“Yes, yes, yes! Did you bring me a present?”
The random question made him laugh as he shook his head. “Sorry Rinnie, I live in a college town and there’s no toy stores nearby. Why don’t you dig through the cup holders and see if there’s any Yongguk left behind.”
She jumped out of his arms and pushed him out of the way to climb across the seat. “Oooh there’s bubble gum!”
“Don’t be greedy, Rinnie.” Zico spoke up from behind Himchan, the sound making his palms start to sweat. When his arms encircled Himchan’s waist and his head pressed against his spine, Himchan tried to push down the flutter of happiness in his heart because he was still so angry and Zico didn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing he loved being held. “Princess.”
“You know I hate that name.”
“No you don’t.” Zico’s grip tightened around him almost like he was trying to crawl inside Himchan and never come out. “You love it because you love me.”
There was never any question about that. Not to Himchan. He loved Zico and he would always love Zico and nothing about that statement would ever change.
But loving someone and liking someone were two different things and lately he didn’t like Zico at all.
“Why didn’t you work today?”
Zico turned him around and gave him a quick onceover, smiling at him with the grin he only used for the people he loved. “Because you were coming home you idiot. Maybe I missed you.”
“Maybe you could have seen me anytime you wanted but wouldn’t ever let me visit.”
The harsh words made Zico’s smile falter a little, but he shrugged it off. “It’s too much money in gas to come out here just to see me for an hour or two. And I work so much that I hardly ever know in advance what days I’ll be home.” He tugged Himchan towards the house. “You’re here now, I’m here now, Rinnie’s occupied. Let’s go inside.”
There was no doubt in Himchan’s mind was Zico was hinting at. He couldn’t help the soft breath of air when as soon as the door slammed shut behind them he found himself pressed against the wall with his legs around Zico’s waist. “Wait-“
“I’ve missed you so much it hurts to even wake up in the morning.” Zico nosed along the curve of his jaw, breathing in Himchan’s scent. “You’re going to be lucky if I don’t chain you to my bed and make you stay there.”
He dropped his head against Zico’s shoulder, biting back whimpers. The dull teeth lodged against his shoulder hurt like hell but he didn’t even care. His body was starved for Zico’s touch on his flesh and he had to use every ounce of his strength to keep his eyes open and his brain from shutting down. “Zico… Please…”
“Please what?” Zico’s palm slowly started to travel up his ribcage and if he didn’t stop soon then Himchan was going to lose it and forget everything they were supposed to talk about.
“S-Stop.” He felt relief when Zico dropped his legs and took a step back in confusion. “You can’t ignore me for months and then just do stuff like that.”
“You weren’t complaining three weeks ago when I was sucking your dick in the shower.”
Himchan winced at the crude words. He knew that when Zico was annoyed he didn’t tone down his language but it still hurt to hear him throw things back into his face.
“You caught me off-guard that day.”
Zico blinked before breaking out into a fake laugh. “So I have to prepare you for my visits? Excuse me Master but may I have permission to kiss my boyfriend? Is that good enough?”
“Don’t be a jerk.”
“Don’t be a whiny little bitch.”
He shook his head. Less than five minutes in and he was already tired of it. “Forget it. I’m leaving.”
“No, stop. I’m sorry.” Zico reached for him as he tried to grab for the doorknob. “I may kiss the ground you walk on but sometimes I want to set that ground on fire. Please don’t leave.” He pressed his cheek against Himchan’s hair and closed his eyes. “We don’t have to sleep together every time we see each other. I never meant for you to think that’s what I wanted. I mean, of course I want that, but if you’re not feeling it then we can do anything. We can just stare at each other if that’s what you need, just as long as you’re here.”
Himchan hated himself for always making Zico feel like he had to apologize. He was smart enough to know that their problems were because of both of them and they both needed to work together to fix them.
“I want to talk. We need to talk. About us.”
“Okay.” Zico eyed him warily but nodded. “Let me go get Rinnie.”
He left Himchan alone in the house while he went back out to gather up his little sister. Himchan collapsed with a groan onto the couch and cycled between emotions because once again he was lost at what he was supposed to say.
“I found enough money for ice cream! Oppa said he’d take us if I went to my room and only came out if I had to potty.” Rinnie popped her head over the couch and grinned a newly gapped-tooth smile down at him. “And two sticks of bubble gum, one ink pen and a packet of ramen seasoning.”
“What? Why would that be in th- Oh my god Rinnie, give that to me!” He snatched the unopened condom wrapper out of her hand and blushed a shade of red that would match a fire engine.
Zico looked at the condom for a few seconds longer than normal then raised an eyebrow at Himchan. “Yours?”
“Yongguk’s.” Himchan wrinkled his nose and shoved it into his pocket. “He and Junhong take the car out for ‘drives’ when I’m studying and they want to be alone. I don’t ask questions and when he’s done they fill the car up with gas so I’m not going to complain.”
Rinnie didn’t seem to notice their panic because she had a pile of new things and the promise of ice cream later. “I’m going to go count my money!”
She slammed her bedroom door behind her leaving the two boys staring at each other awkwardly.
“Do you want to stay out here or go to my room?”
The living room was safe but it made Himchan feel like they were in a business meeting. Zico’s room was more comfortable but going there made him feel guilty for some reason.
“Here.”
Zico’s eyes flashed with hurt but he kept his mouth closed, choosing to sit on the coffee table across from Himchan. His knees bumped playfully into his boyfriend’s and he reached forward to stroke across the tight denim of his jeans. “You look amazing, have I mentioned that?”
Sweet words spoken out of a wide grin still made his heart skip a beat inside his chest. He always rolled his eyes at Zico’s obsession with his legs but deep down he secretly loved that there was a spot on his body that Zico found it impossible to not touch.
“Thank you.” He grabbed Zico’s hand and brought it up to his cheek, rubbing against the palm and loving the feeling of the calloused fingers against his soft skin. “You always look good. Too skinny though.” The rare few times they had seen each other in the year since they had started dating he had noticed Zico getting skinnier and paler with every visit.
“I don’t have a lot of time to breathe, much less eat.” Zico’s mouth parted as he watched Himchan’s lips skim across his hand. “I took the entire weekend off so we’re going to eat until we throw up and then pass out in my bed and sleep until lunchtime.”
He let Zico pull him forward until he was in his arms again, all thoughts of anything else gone leaving nothing but how much he loved this boy and how Zico tried so hard to be good for him.
“I’m sorry.” He murmured against Zico’s neck, not wanting him to see the tears that threatened to roll from his eyes.
“For what?” Zico’s hands ran down his back and across his hips before darting under his t-shirt to stroke along his bare back. “I’m the one that’s a shit boyfriend, not you. You’re patient and you love me even if I don’t deserve it. You’re everything, Himchan. Just fucking everything.”
He hated himself. Things never should have gotten this far. Even if he never kissed Jongup that wasn’t enough to calm his guilt. He didn’t deserve anyone at this point.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t stop himself from rambling apologies, fingers bunching into Zico’s tank top and the sobs he had tried so hard to muffle now loud in the quiet room. Zico would hate him if he knew what he’d done behind his back, he would look at him with disgust and disbelief because no one should ever be that horrible to someone who loves them. “You’re too good for me.”
Zico carefully untangled himself from Himchan’s superman grip and held him at arm’s length. His eyes were leery as he stared intently into Himchan’s own. “You’re scaring me here, Princess. Did something happen?”
If he told him the truth he would lose him. Himchan knew that as sure as he knew his own name. Zico would scream at him to leave and he would never see him again and that reality hurt more than the thought of keeping secrets for the rest of his life.
But Jongup hadn’t done anything to deserve to be dragged into Himchan’s screwed up love life. He had only shown Himchan a taste of a normal relationship and now he craved that as much as he needed air.
“I can’t take not ever seeing you.” His voice cracked and he felt himself on the verge of breaking down again. “Why won’t you ever let me visit when I ask? Why can’t you spend the night once every month, is that too much to expect?”
Zico closed his eyes. “Of course not. You don’t think us being apart for so long hurts me, too? But dammit, Himchan… I can’t just abandon my mother and make her take care of Rinnie all alone. That’s not fair, not after everything she’s done for me. She needs me.”
“I need you. Me. Your boyfriend. The one you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. I need you and you’re never there.”
“Oppa?” Rinnie’s frightened voice had Himchan scrambling away and towards the corner of the couch where he swiped his hand over his eyes and refused to look anywhere but the floor. “Are you fighting?” She held her hand over her stomach and looked a little green. “I don’t feel very good.”
“No baby girl, we’re just sad. Are you hurting?” Zico forced his hands to unclench and stood up to guide his little sister to the bathroom. “I told you not to drink the rest of the milk for breakfast. Then you ran outside and got all excited when it was hot out. You’re lucky you haven’t thrown up yet.” While he waited for Rinnie to use the bathroom he quickly grabbed her a glass of water and a wet washcloth. “Sorry.” He whispered to Himchan as he walked past. “I guess this just proves your point, doesn’t it?”
Rinnie held tight to her brother’s arm and let him pat her forehead down. “Sorry I came out of my room, Oppa. You made me promise and I lied.”
He smiled as he wrapped the washcloth around the back of her neck and picked her up in his arms. “It’s okay to break a promise if it’s an emergency, Rinnie. Maybe next time you’ll listen to your older, smarter big brother when he tells you something is a bad idea, right?”
She nodded and waved sadly to Himchan until she passed out of sight of the living room.
The words that Zico had used stuck in his brain and he repeated them over and over and wondered if Zico would still believe them if they were thrown back at him.
It’s okay to break a promise if it’s an emergency.
Jongup had been an emergency. But he knew Zico wouldn’t see it that way.
part three