One Step Forward; Two Steps Back (3/6)
INDEX : 00 | 01 | 02
Kyungsoo knows something is up when Zitao sidles up to him. He spares EXO-M’s youngest member a glance before going back to his stretching. Tao is studying him quietly, mouth set in a thin line. Then, slowly, he gets up and walks away only to come back a few minutes later.
“I don’t like this,” Tao says.
“Like what?” Kyungsoo stands up and bounces on the balls of his feet, warming up for yet another dance practice.
“You and Jongin avoiding each other.”
Kyungsoo wants to correct Tao - say that Jongin is not avoiding him; in fact, Jongin has been pestering him nonstop to talk but Kyungsoo just doesn’t want to. He knows what Jongin is going to say. Kyungsoo doesn’t want an apology and he doesn’t want Jongin to take the kiss back. It had been a mutual decision because Kyungsoo could have easily pushed the younger boy away, but he didn’t. He knows Jongin is regretting it, but Kyungsoo doesn’t. He wouldn’t take it back for anything in the world.
It was bound to happen. This tension between them has been going on since the day they first met. It started with him trying to prove himself, trying to prove that he belongs. He knew he didn’t have the looks or the dance skills to compete with some of their model-like members but Kyungsoo knew he has the singing abilities to stand out.
Jongin didn’t like him from the start and it was so obvious. The younger boy was never cruel but he had looked at Kyungsoo like he knew that Kyungsoo would mess up. His compliments were measured and carefully dispensed like they were worth their weights in gold.
Then somewhere along the way, something changed. Trepidation turned into something more. It didn’t happen with a bang; it crept up quietly, vines wrapped around Kyngsoo’s heart and took roots until it was too late.
And now it’s too late.
“We are going to be fine,” Kyungsoo assures Tao. It’s hard to believe they are the same age. Zitao acts so much younger than Kyungsoo. Innocence makes him a bit more childish, his smile unguarded and his actions less calculated.
“But you will tell me? If it’s bad?” Tao persists in his accented Korean.
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, “I’ll tell you if it’s bad.”
Zitao grins and gives him a thumbs up. Finally he leaves Kyungsoo alone to resume his warm up.
.
Jongin is nothing if not persistent. Kyungsoo finds himself alone together with Jongin again after practice is over. He doesn’t even know where the rest of the members are at the moment. They still have to run through everything again before they can go home. Kyungsoo is tired and he is thankful the wall is there to hold him up. He contemplates just sliding down fully onto the floor and give up sitting entirely.
“Hyung.”
It’s the way that Jongin approaches him: slow and careful, like he doesn’t want to spook Kyungsoo. Jongin sits down beside him, back resting against the same wall, shoulder touching Kyungsoo’s own smaller one. It’s the way Jongin takes his hand and laces their fingers together. Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to pull away when it’s just the two of them. It’s easy to remind himself that they are in public surrounded by a sea of DSLR’s cameras, or that they are being watched by the company’s suits, or that they are around other members who knows them well enough to understand every touch is just a little something more. But there is no one else around now.
It’s a little too late.
Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to pull away. And he doesn’t know how to take his heart back.
“I…” Kyungsoo breathes in deeply. “I don’t want you to apologize. I don’t want to hear that our kiss is a mistake because it’s not. It’s not to me.”
“We can’t,” Jongin says firmly, both hands gripping onto Kyungsoo’s fingers just a bit too tightly. “You know that.”
“I know,” Kyungsoo can’t help the quiver that runs through his voice. “I know.”
“But we can’t let this come between us,” Jongin’s eyebrows knit together. “I don’t want anything between us to change.”
How could it not? Kyungsoo wants to say. He wants to grab Jongin by the collar and shakes him, out of pure frustration. Why is it so hard? “Sure. Nothing is going to change, Jongin-ah,” he says instead.
Kyungsoo pulls his hand away from Jongin’s and begins picking up the pieces of his heart.
.
On the way back to the dorms, Chanyeol lends Kyungsoo his shoulder. Chanyeol is a lot more intuitive than he lets on. There is a reason why he and Baekhyun are the team’s mood makers, they can sense when a member is not in the best mood. Unlike Baekhyun, though, Chanyeol knows when words aren’t needed.
He doesn’t ask, simply slouches down in his seat to make it more comfortable for Kyungsoo. From his peripheral, he sees the way Luhan looks at him. Kyungsoo closes his eyes because Luhan sees too much.
.
There is no practice the next day, just some photoshoot for some advertisement. Kyungsoo is shuffled into the van with the rest of his bandmates and this time he doesn’t ignore Baekhyun’s jokes. He tries to laugh a little more, heart shaped lips forming random words whenever the members are near enough to make small talks. He can’t really recall what he’s said, but he thinks it’s enough for the members to stop worrying. Luhan has stopped looking at him like Kyungsoo’s a soap bubble that’s going to float away - or worse, pop.
Kyungsoo sits through hair and make-up with a resigned expression. He doesn’t really like the process but he knows it’s necessary, to smooth out the blemishes and blurs the imperfections. The concept for these pictures is simple: look happy. Kyungsoo isn’t sure if he can come across as genuine, so he practices in the mirror just in case.
He sits still and let the stylists do their magic to transform him from little Do Kyungsoo into EXO’s D.O. The world seems to be a bit easier as D.O. He can smile a little easier at Jongin, plays around a bit more with Chanyeol and smiles at the camera like he means it. And when they ask him to wrap his arm around Jongin’s waist, D.O doesn’t falter.
And then it’s over. Equipment are packed away into black nylon bags, and D.O is stripped away layer by layer. The make-up dissolves away along with his self-confidence and Kyungsoo is left too naked. All of the sudden he doesn’t know what to say when Jongin steps a bit closer, arm outstretched to offer him a water bottle.
“Thanks,” Kyungsoo mutters, eyes studying his own shoes.
“It was fun today,” Jongin says, guzzling down his own water. “I don’t remember ever smiling so much. My cheeks hurt.”
“Me either.”
“You looked good today.”
Kyungsoo counts to five before he answers, “Hm.”
“You have a great smile, hyung.” Jongin whispers right next to Kyungsoo’s ear. “I always think about it before I fall asleep.” This time it’s Jongin who pulls away. He straightens himself before Kyungsoo has time to react.
Kyungsoo wishes Jongin wouldn’t say things like that, because he isn’t sure if he wants to kiss the younger male or punch his face in.
“What is this?” He gestures between them when Jongin lifts an eyebrow. Kyungsoo narrows his eyes, “What are you doing?”
Jongin looks taken back, “I…was just complimenting you.”
“Well, don’t.” Kyungsoo bites out. “Don’t say things like this. Don’t kiss me like you want something more…and then,” he tries, really tries to keep his voice down, “and then just apologizes the next day because you’re sorry. You don’t get to start things and then regret they happen between us. Either finish what you’ve started or don’t bother.”
“Hyung, I was just - ”
“No. It just hurts more this way.”
Jongin nods, “Right. I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry. Never has Kyungsoo been more offended by just two words
.
It’s always Jongin who initiates it. The first time Jongin looked at him - really looked at him - beyond just another face of EXO, Kyungsoo felt those eyes burn into his skin. He squirmed uncomfortably onstage and ended up introducing their song incorrectly. He thought Jongin would be mad because Kim Jongin strives for perfection, but offstage, the younger male just ruffled his hair and said, “You’re cute.”
Kyungsoo felt more and more flustered every time those eyes were on him. And then the touches began, simple brushes of the hand at first until it became something a bit more. The lingering touches were like hidden promises, just between them.
But even if the feelings are there, Kyungsoo knows Jongin will never act on them. To Jongin, Kyungsoo is a love passing through, a fleeting thought, just a phase in his teens. To Jongin, dancing is life, the stage is his home and he will not let anything jeopardize that.
And even though Kyungsoo comes to realize all of this a bit too late, he can’t help himself because love doesn’t follow logic and carefully lay out plans. Love doesn’t take career and public condemnation into account. At least not Kyungoo’s love. He doesn’t know how to compartmentalize his heart like Jongin. It’s just there and it’s real - and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do with it.