One Step Forward; Two Steps Back (2/6)
Part 0 - beginning
Part 1 - short intro /o
Jongin doesn’t have time for shy, fluttery first love’s; for intimate gestures that could be read into meaning something more. His time is spent in the practice room, committing dance steps into muscle memories. Dating has always been something in the back burner - sure he will find a nice girl someday, and sure he might get married one day - but that was only the extent of his thoughts on the subject. Because he is young and because he has more important things to fill his mind and time.
Kyungsoo entering the picture shouldn’t really affect Jongin’s life at all.
They met through Chanyeol, who introduced Kyungsoo with a wide smile and some long winded information about the shorter male’s background. Jongin took in Kyungsoo’s wide eyes and didn’t miss the way he had shied away from the giant’s friendly gesture. In his head he thought Kyungsoo wouldn’t last past a week.
He didn’t have time for a timid, soft-spoken mouse.
“Is he gonna be a problem?” Was all Jongin wanted to know when it was finalized that they would be in EXO K together.
Chanyeol had shrugged, “Why don’t you hear him sing?”
And could sing he did, except it didn’t do them any good if Kyungsoo was too afraid to actually sing out loud.
“He’s a disaster,” Jongin sighed, frustrated, “He look like he is going to have an aneurysm from stress or something.”
“So kind,” Sehun had laughed, lazily rolling his shoulder instead of actually stretching.
❣
The first time Kyungsoo made a mistake on a broadcast, Jongin expected to be angry, instead he found himself smiling. There has always been something endearing about Kyungsoo. Not cute - never cute - that is Baekhyun with his puppy-esque qualities. But Kyungsoo is slow smiles, contemplative statements made quietly as if he doesn’t really want to be heard, sharp comments when he thinks no one is listening, and feisty violence that is so unexpected it makes Jongin laugh.
And Kyungsoo does change everything.
For the first time, Jongin thinks about useless things like love. But this time it’s not something “eventually with some girl” - this time it’s panic and clumsy words that he can’t voice out loud. He isn’t even sure if this is what love is or if this is something temporary, bred by close proximity and familiarity.
❣
It’s Sehun - it’s always Sehun - who corners Jongin after practice one day and, “Dude, what’s up? Did you see Kyungsoo hyung’s sex tape or something?”
Jongin spits out his water, “What?”
“Well we’ve all seen each other naked.”
“So that’s your natural progression?”
Sehun shrugs, “Kris hyung says there are some pretty disturbing things online.”
“Please do not hang out with Kris,” Joonmyun says from a few feet away.
“I’m just saying - you guys have been weird,” Sehun chooses to ignore their leader - as he always does when it doesn’t really matter.
“I…did something stupid.”
Jongin sees Joonmyun perks up, attentively listening and all of a sudden he wants to crawl into a hole and die. But he has to tell someone and he needs some advice because Kyungsoo doesn’t even want to discuss what had happened between them despite his numerous attempts. And maybe it is time to stop keeping this to himself.
“This stays amongst us - as in three of us - I don’t want this to be a group thing.” Once Sehun and Joonmyun nods their understanding, he takes a deep breath. “I kissed him.”
“Who?” Sehun blurts out before he quickly dismisses it with frantic arm movements, “Oh wait. I know who. Wait what?”
“Last week. Now he won’t talk to me and I mean…if we could just -” Jongin says, voice growing quieter, “I just…I mean.”
“He’s probably just scared,” Sehun offers, one of his rare helpful moments. “I mean he had to see those big lips up close and all.” And there it goes.
Jongin moves to kick their magnae, but Joonmyun steps in between them, “Guys! Stop. Jongin, tomorrow we are all going to leave you two alone. Make him talk.”
“Use protection,” Sehun says before dashing away.
“I know where you live!” Jongin calls after him the same time Joonmyun says, “I told you to stop hanging out with Kris!”
❣
Kyungsoo is stubborn, which is a quality Jongin admires, when that stubbornness isn’t preventing him from having a heart to heart. So somehow, Jongin finds himself locked out of their bedroom as Kyungsoo, once again, refuses to listen.
“Hyung, please, we have to fix it.” There’s no answer. “For the fans, you know. And the managers are starting to talk. And Joonmyun hyung is starting to meddle.”
Still, nothing.
“I don’t know why I did that,” Jongin sighs. “I’m sorry if you hated it. But if we can just…”
“Why did you do it?” He perks up at the quiet question. Kyungsoo must be right near the door on the other side.
“I - “ Why. Why did he do it. Why did he kiss Kyungsoo. “I don’t know. I just.” Followed my heart.
“This is why we can’t talk,” Kyungsoo answers after a few beats of silence. “If you can’t even give me a reason, what’s there to talk about?”
❣
There are a lot of reasons: Kyungsoo’s soft lips, Kyungsoo’s fluffy hair dusted with snow, Kyungsoo’s lashes which frames those eyes so nicely, Kyungsoo’s soft body - which he hates - but Jongin loves. It was a split second decision, one moment he was reaching over to tousle Kyungsoo’s hair and the next he found himself trapping the older male to the brick wall. And then it was over. Lips upon lips, nervous breathing; it started - excuses, guilt, confusion - all came rushing in so fast Jongin didn’t know how to voice them.
It is a lot of things. Company policy, family members, fans, their group members; his responsibility to them as an artist, as a son, as an idol, as a fellow band member - they keep the flood of feelings at bay. Jongin would rather drown in his feelings than drag other people with them. He can’t shackle the rest of EXO to his fate, can’t let them suffer because he had failed to prioritize.
Because Kai - the main dancer of the up and coming new idol group, EXO - has no room in his life for soft lips and hushed whispers in the dark; he doesn’t need soothing touches from small hands and heart-shape smiles he has long committed to memory.
But Jongin wants.