Whenever your world comes crashing down…that’s where you’ll find me
[mood| 
frustrated ]
So I’ve been really frustrated for the past few weeks or so because of the one guy I met at one of the society meetings. I just couldn’t get him out of my mind! This bothered me to no end..I was actually really disappointed and angry with myself because simply he was just one guy that I just so happened to have met by chance at a banquet I was definitely not looking forward to going to alone. How did I end up actually enjoying the event in the long run? I’m not sure what the hell happened because here I was a week later and pissed at myself for actually thinking of him when I could be concentrating on more productive things like school. I knew the signs I was going through…remembering little bits of conversation or a smile or actually sitting around wondering where he was. I knew those signs very well. That bothered me the most. I knew I was going through the signs of a crush and I hated it. I actually hated to feel it. I’ve been through that road before and I wasn’t looking forward to finding out where that road would take me. So what did I do? I whole heartedly accepted the fact that this person wasn’t really going to be that different than the others so I prepared myself for just a common acquaintance.
Flash forward to two days ago. He actually asks me if I would be able to go out for lunch. That made me want to run for the hills! I didn’t know what to say..I actually had to sleep on it because I was so conflicted. I told myself it was just lunch but then I asked myself well “what if it isn’t?” But then I reminded myself he just wanted to get to know me, platonically. I could handle that. But then the other part was saying “well why the hell would he want to get to know me when he could get to know other people?” It just boggled my mind. So I slept on it and came up with a simple solution. A lunch outing was too...serious..I told myself. I considered a better option..a coffee meeting. That was as simple and as platonic as can be. So I mentioned it to him and he was rather fine with it. I was not prepared for this sort of situation. I argued with myself that this is new to me and I should take it as a challenge. But I couldn’t help but get so emotionally stressed about this. I’d rather write another ten page term paper on why love is a choice (which I recently did for my philosophy class) than go through this. It used to be so easy, so simple in making decisions because they seem so natural to you. But this time I was second guessing myself. I didn’t know if what I was doing was right or too soon.
Flash forward to yesterday. I had back to back finals and he had a presentation to do later on that night so we agreed to meet in between our obligations. As I was walking out of my first final (which took me 20 minutes to do), I received a text from the guy saying he’s at the health center and that he’s had food poisoning. I took it as a sign my impromptu coffee date was definitely not going to happen. I was part relieved but then I was also annoyingly worried. Absentmindedly I was at the bookstore trying to decide whether I should just say “get better” and leave it at that. I am buying some mints at the register and as a natural thought I added to my purchase some Tums. When I realized what I just did, I knew I was in trouble. When you absentmindedly buy stuff like that it says something. I’ve never done that before. I asked him where he was now because I was going to him. He told me he was at the coffee shop. It took me probably 10 min to decide whether or not to go, my mind was going in different directions. But something inside me told me I should go so my feet just did the walking. So I met him and gave him the Tums I bought for him. He definitely was not expecting it but put one in his mouth anyway.
I don’t know what happened, but my stress suddenly faded away. It felt like our first meeting, like I’ve known him for a long while already. We talked about random things and went into depth in some topics I normally DO NOT talk about so openly with people I barely knew for a few weeks. It’s as if the words just rolled out of my mouth on its own accord. What really surprised me was that he was equally doing the same thing, as if he’s known me for a while too and didn’t mind sharing these pieces of information. Where did the awkwardness that is supposed to be there go? I was counting on that to make a plausible decision that this was not going to work.
He may have been sick but he was definitely not sick in asking me questions. I think he has asked me more questions than I have of him, which really confused me. It wasn’t about random things either, it was actually questions not even my friends have asked me before. It seemed as if he was studying me, eager to see how my mind worked, how I dealt with certain situations. In all honesty, he was not afraid to ask me those questions. Why was that? What did he want to get out of this meeting? When he looked at me it was as if he was trying to figure me out, which I didn’t like. I don’t like it when people look at me and seem to see right through me. It makes me too vulnerable. The last time I was too vulnerable it nearly killed me.
So where am I right now? I wish I could tell you. I wish I could say what my relationship is with him. I simply do not know. And that in itself scares me.
frustrated ]
So I’ve been really frustrated for the past few weeks or so because of the one guy I met at one of the society meetings. I just couldn’t get him out of my mind! This bothered me to no end..I was actually really disappointed and angry with myself because simply he was just one guy that I just so happened to have met by chance at a banquet I was definitely not looking forward to going to alone. How did I end up actually enjoying the event in the long run? I’m not sure what the hell happened because here I was a week later and pissed at myself for actually thinking of him when I could be concentrating on more productive things like school. I knew the signs I was going through…remembering little bits of conversation or a smile or actually sitting around wondering where he was. I knew those signs very well. That bothered me the most. I knew I was going through the signs of a crush and I hated it. I actually hated to feel it. I’ve been through that road before and I wasn’t looking forward to finding out where that road would take me. So what did I do? I whole heartedly accepted the fact that this person wasn’t really going to be that different than the others so I prepared myself for just a common acquaintance.
Flash forward to two days ago. He actually asks me if I would be able to go out for lunch. That made me want to run for the hills! I didn’t know what to say..I actually had to sleep on it because I was so conflicted. I told myself it was just lunch but then I asked myself well “what if it isn’t?” But then I reminded myself he just wanted to get to know me, platonically. I could handle that. But then the other part was saying “well why the hell would he want to get to know me when he could get to know other people?” It just boggled my mind. So I slept on it and came up with a simple solution. A lunch outing was too...serious..I told myself. I considered a better option..a coffee meeting. That was as simple and as platonic as can be. So I mentioned it to him and he was rather fine with it. I was not prepared for this sort of situation. I argued with myself that this is new to me and I should take it as a challenge. But I couldn’t help but get so emotionally stressed about this. I’d rather write another ten page term paper on why love is a choice (which I recently did for my philosophy class) than go through this. It used to be so easy, so simple in making decisions because they seem so natural to you. But this time I was second guessing myself. I didn’t know if what I was doing was right or too soon.
Flash forward to yesterday. I had back to back finals and he had a presentation to do later on that night so we agreed to meet in between our obligations. As I was walking out of my first final (which took me 20 minutes to do), I received a text from the guy saying he’s at the health center and that he’s had food poisoning. I took it as a sign my impromptu coffee date was definitely not going to happen. I was part relieved but then I was also annoyingly worried. Absentmindedly I was at the bookstore trying to decide whether I should just say “get better” and leave it at that. I am buying some mints at the register and as a natural thought I added to my purchase some Tums. When I realized what I just did, I knew I was in trouble. When you absentmindedly buy stuff like that it says something. I’ve never done that before. I asked him where he was now because I was going to him. He told me he was at the coffee shop. It took me probably 10 min to decide whether or not to go, my mind was going in different directions. But something inside me told me I should go so my feet just did the walking. So I met him and gave him the Tums I bought for him. He definitely was not expecting it but put one in his mouth anyway.
I don’t know what happened, but my stress suddenly faded away. It felt like our first meeting, like I’ve known him for a long while already. We talked about random things and went into depth in some topics I normally DO NOT talk about so openly with people I barely knew for a few weeks. It’s as if the words just rolled out of my mouth on its own accord. What really surprised me was that he was equally doing the same thing, as if he’s known me for a while too and didn’t mind sharing these pieces of information. Where did the awkwardness that is supposed to be there go? I was counting on that to make a plausible decision that this was not going to work.
He may have been sick but he was definitely not sick in asking me questions. I think he has asked me more questions than I have of him, which really confused me. It wasn’t about random things either, it was actually questions not even my friends have asked me before. It seemed as if he was studying me, eager to see how my mind worked, how I dealt with certain situations. In all honesty, he was not afraid to ask me those questions. Why was that? What did he want to get out of this meeting? When he looked at me it was as if he was trying to figure me out, which I didn’t like. I don’t like it when people look at me and seem to see right through me. It makes me too vulnerable. The last time I was too vulnerable it nearly killed me.
So where am I right now? I wish I could tell you. I wish I could say what my relationship is with him. I simply do not know. And that in itself scares me.