Musings?
I'm at work in the bridge house listening to a band called one dove and feeling intellectually restless.
The worst of the emotional and practical fall out of my grandmothers and stepfathers deaths is behind me I think. I still find myself very depressed at moments when I'm reminded of them but that desperation of emotions and wondering what to do with my grandmother's estate is over. that and several other things have thrust me into a new era of my life.
I've got the perfect writers job as a bridge tender. I start in two months as an adjunct professor at palm beach state college. I'm living in the house I share with my mother helping to support her so she won't need to be in a nursing home and at the same time saving a bit of money because the house is paid for. but her health continues to decline, the job situation in the country scares me, the changes in the publishing industry make me wonder if I will ever be able to support myself as a writer, or even publish enough to get a cushy job as a tenured professor.
I have the time and space to work on things and the opportunities to push for my ideal life, and I'm gratified that I'm working towards it and I'm gratified that I'm doing most of the things that I have said I would, but I know in order to reach those goals to become a professor to become a widely read published writer I need to do so much.
historically I've never been up to the task with writing with relationships, and it has all been because of fear.
I was talking to a friend with whom I have much in common and sharing with him some recent revelations about how intrinsic fear is in our lives. I've come to the conclusion that fear must be overcome, of course, but in order to overcome the big fears we have to work on smaller fears. He was incredulous and wondered allowed how his working on his fear of relationships can better be accomplished by working on a fear of singing karaoke for example. And that's when they came up with a very good analogy.
As a weightlifter let's pretend I have a goal to lift 500 pounds. I don't go to the gym everyday and try to lift that 500 pounds thinking that will accomplish my goal. What do I do? I start by lifting 50 pounds and then 60 pounds and then 100 pounds... work my way up to my goal. I build my strength for the 500 pounds by doing other things.
Now it's not like we can work on smaller relationships, but we can work on fear in other ways. What are other things were afraid of?
I think this is an important thing to tackle. we cant be dismissive about it because as we get older we start to bury those things were afraid of, bury desire for those things. we protect our ego from the pressure from the anxiety of that fear by learning to ignore what we desire on the other side. If I am afraid of applying for big jobs then I stop desiring big jobs I start believing it's the smaller jobs that I want. the smaller jobs carry smaller risks and smaller fears. I protected myself but I've also trapped myself.
When I was younger I had a lot of anxieties due to the tug of war between my anxiety and fear. Every time I backed away from challenging that fear I also disowned my connection to that desire. I can see myself creating humbler smaller goals thinking I'm being mature thinking I'm being practical and responsible. When all I'm doing is continuing to limit myself further. That is my fear. so it creates a feedback loop.
So in order to feel a little bit more control over my life AND help myself and give myself strength to accomplish those goals I have decided to tilt against my fears.
That I can't think of too many is validation of what I've been saying. I've always been an anxious and fearful person. But I've also always wanted to appear strong and brave. So how does my ego reconcile that? By removing those desires that came with risks.
so I'm working on the small things now the bite sized morsels. I'll pace myself but I want to keep it somewhat above a snail's pace. One of those goals is singing karaoke. The idea of doing that scares the shit out of me. So I'm thinking the best way to accomplish that one is by recruiting some poor saps to my cause.
All that said and done, I don't think it's impossible or unwise use to work on the relationships and work on the career. I will continue trying to do that, but to further the metaphor in a sense I will be rolling that 500 pound weight in order to get it where I need it to go. At the same time I plan to build those courage muscles in other smaller yet very challenging ways.
The worst of the emotional and practical fall out of my grandmothers and stepfathers deaths is behind me I think. I still find myself very depressed at moments when I'm reminded of them but that desperation of emotions and wondering what to do with my grandmother's estate is over. that and several other things have thrust me into a new era of my life.
I've got the perfect writers job as a bridge tender. I start in two months as an adjunct professor at palm beach state college. I'm living in the house I share with my mother helping to support her so she won't need to be in a nursing home and at the same time saving a bit of money because the house is paid for. but her health continues to decline, the job situation in the country scares me, the changes in the publishing industry make me wonder if I will ever be able to support myself as a writer, or even publish enough to get a cushy job as a tenured professor.
I have the time and space to work on things and the opportunities to push for my ideal life, and I'm gratified that I'm working towards it and I'm gratified that I'm doing most of the things that I have said I would, but I know in order to reach those goals to become a professor to become a widely read published writer I need to do so much.
historically I've never been up to the task with writing with relationships, and it has all been because of fear.
I was talking to a friend with whom I have much in common and sharing with him some recent revelations about how intrinsic fear is in our lives. I've come to the conclusion that fear must be overcome, of course, but in order to overcome the big fears we have to work on smaller fears. He was incredulous and wondered allowed how his working on his fear of relationships can better be accomplished by working on a fear of singing karaoke for example. And that's when they came up with a very good analogy.
As a weightlifter let's pretend I have a goal to lift 500 pounds. I don't go to the gym everyday and try to lift that 500 pounds thinking that will accomplish my goal. What do I do? I start by lifting 50 pounds and then 60 pounds and then 100 pounds... work my way up to my goal. I build my strength for the 500 pounds by doing other things.
Now it's not like we can work on smaller relationships, but we can work on fear in other ways. What are other things were afraid of?
I think this is an important thing to tackle. we cant be dismissive about it because as we get older we start to bury those things were afraid of, bury desire for those things. we protect our ego from the pressure from the anxiety of that fear by learning to ignore what we desire on the other side. If I am afraid of applying for big jobs then I stop desiring big jobs I start believing it's the smaller jobs that I want. the smaller jobs carry smaller risks and smaller fears. I protected myself but I've also trapped myself.
When I was younger I had a lot of anxieties due to the tug of war between my anxiety and fear. Every time I backed away from challenging that fear I also disowned my connection to that desire. I can see myself creating humbler smaller goals thinking I'm being mature thinking I'm being practical and responsible. When all I'm doing is continuing to limit myself further. That is my fear. so it creates a feedback loop.
So in order to feel a little bit more control over my life AND help myself and give myself strength to accomplish those goals I have decided to tilt against my fears.
That I can't think of too many is validation of what I've been saying. I've always been an anxious and fearful person. But I've also always wanted to appear strong and brave. So how does my ego reconcile that? By removing those desires that came with risks.
so I'm working on the small things now the bite sized morsels. I'll pace myself but I want to keep it somewhat above a snail's pace. One of those goals is singing karaoke. The idea of doing that scares the shit out of me. So I'm thinking the best way to accomplish that one is by recruiting some poor saps to my cause.
All that said and done, I don't think it's impossible or unwise use to work on the relationships and work on the career. I will continue trying to do that, but to further the metaphor in a sense I will be rolling that 500 pound weight in order to get it where I need it to go. At the same time I plan to build those courage muscles in other smaller yet very challenging ways.