(no subject)
I have long wondered how I could of gone from a young child who would dance and do elvis impersonations at my grandparents parties, and sing and dance in stage productions in kindergarten and first grade to an adult who's scared to do karaoke and gets really shy around people. how is it that I can crave and enjoy large groups and be deathly afraid of large groups and even indivisuals at the same time.
while my teachers in kindergarten and preschool liked and coddled the little showboat, they locked me in an attic closet every time I be came onruly. and would goad the other students when they would call me big head or make fun of me or whatever else.
in second grade I was kicked out of a michael jackson musical my class was putting on because I was talking too much with the class clown in the back even though I and my friend were the ones that came up with the idea and were supposed to be in charge of it.
And in second grade I was kicked out of a magnet gifted child program or whatever because I was unruly.
and somehow I managed to hide all of these things from my mother because the kindergarten and preschool teachers ( same teachers for both grades) managed to make me feel like I would be the 1 in trouble if I told anybody. because I got these punishments because I was a bad person. so I spent months lying to my mother about the michael jackson musical and I spent almost a year lying about the gifted program for forging notes etc cetera.
I am reading a book called The Tools, which is the only self help book of the maybe 2 or 3 dozen that I've tried that ever actually helped me, and it just has an exercise to help you understand your "shadow" (Jung concept) and this is when I realized that it's not necessarily that I think I'm ugly or that I think I'm stupid but that I think I'm a bad person who has to struggle to keep his crazy, I guess, in check.
while my teachers in kindergarten and preschool liked and coddled the little showboat, they locked me in an attic closet every time I be came onruly. and would goad the other students when they would call me big head or make fun of me or whatever else.
in second grade I was kicked out of a michael jackson musical my class was putting on because I was talking too much with the class clown in the back even though I and my friend were the ones that came up with the idea and were supposed to be in charge of it.
And in second grade I was kicked out of a magnet gifted child program or whatever because I was unruly.
and somehow I managed to hide all of these things from my mother because the kindergarten and preschool teachers ( same teachers for both grades) managed to make me feel like I would be the 1 in trouble if I told anybody. because I got these punishments because I was a bad person. so I spent months lying to my mother about the michael jackson musical and I spent almost a year lying about the gifted program for forging notes etc cetera.
I am reading a book called The Tools, which is the only self help book of the maybe 2 or 3 dozen that I've tried that ever actually helped me, and it just has an exercise to help you understand your "shadow" (Jung concept) and this is when I realized that it's not necessarily that I think I'm ugly or that I think I'm stupid but that I think I'm a bad person who has to struggle to keep his crazy, I guess, in check.