thoughts on mortality and comfort
So tonight I found out that my grandma was rushed to the hospital. This has happened a couple of times before but tonight just something made me feel it was more serious or perhaps it simply felt more real? But I'm really freaked out right now. Big fat tears rolling down my face racked with sobs that sort of thing. I don't know what it is but I'm just so scared. What I need right now is somebody to comfort me. Somebody to hold me and tell me to calm down, it'll be alright...
So that brings me to the other thing that's been waying heavily on my mind and the reason I haven't been posting entries over the last couple of months. I haven't wanted to admit how much this has been bothering me. In a moment like this, when I'm feeling scared and sad the first person that I want to see and talk to is Laura. *sigh* I've been busy trying to deny it over the last few months and now tonight at this moment I can't. Of course I can't just call her and ask for her help right now... not with our relationship over and our friendship falling into disuse and forgotten comraderie... So I've been avoiding writing in my journal 'cause that's all that's been on my mind lately and I didn't want to lament incessantly over lost love like some idiot.
...but all of this is a tangent 'cause my mind keeps shying away from what's really bothering me right now. My grandma sick and unable to breath on her way to the hospital and I can't be there to say "I love you grandma, it'll be OK..." Damn there tears again. This is stupid I'm sure she's fine just like all the other times but I'm very worried tonight. I want a hug so bad right now. I'm scared... I wish at least Roomie were home and not out of town right now. She might be my first choice for comfort but I've always been able to count on her.
Ceara is out of town right now getting married!! It's crazy, she met this GUY four months ago and suddenly he's the love of her life and the eloped to Nevada for the weekend to get hitched. I tried to talk her out of it but she insists she's in love so I gave her a hug and wished her the best. Freaks me out though, I don't know what happened. Makes me think of the line from the TATU song "I don't know when, I don't know why, I had to try living my life on the other side..."
...I'm SOOO worried. I hope all my friends out there who read this will pray for me to all their gods and goddesses. I don't care who, I'm not picky. Goddess, I hope Grandma is OK. I'm going to go now, obviously writing about it isn't helping me calm down so I'm gonna try a book or something. Books always calm me down...
So that brings me to the other thing that's been waying heavily on my mind and the reason I haven't been posting entries over the last couple of months. I haven't wanted to admit how much this has been bothering me. In a moment like this, when I'm feeling scared and sad the first person that I want to see and talk to is Laura. *sigh* I've been busy trying to deny it over the last few months and now tonight at this moment I can't. Of course I can't just call her and ask for her help right now... not with our relationship over and our friendship falling into disuse and forgotten comraderie... So I've been avoiding writing in my journal 'cause that's all that's been on my mind lately and I didn't want to lament incessantly over lost love like some idiot.
...but all of this is a tangent 'cause my mind keeps shying away from what's really bothering me right now. My grandma sick and unable to breath on her way to the hospital and I can't be there to say "I love you grandma, it'll be OK..." Damn there tears again. This is stupid I'm sure she's fine just like all the other times but I'm very worried tonight. I want a hug so bad right now. I'm scared... I wish at least Roomie were home and not out of town right now. She might be my first choice for comfort but I've always been able to count on her.
Ceara is out of town right now getting married!! It's crazy, she met this GUY four months ago and suddenly he's the love of her life and the eloped to Nevada for the weekend to get hitched. I tried to talk her out of it but she insists she's in love so I gave her a hug and wished her the best. Freaks me out though, I don't know what happened. Makes me think of the line from the TATU song "I don't know when, I don't know why, I had to try living my life on the other side..."
...I'm SOOO worried. I hope all my friends out there who read this will pray for me to all their gods and goddesses. I don't care who, I'm not picky. Goddess, I hope Grandma is OK. I'm going to go now, obviously writing about it isn't helping me calm down so I'm gonna try a book or something. Books always calm me down...