arguing with myself- yes I'm nuts
So over the last few months I've had this almost constant internal debate that basically goes like this:
Logical Side- You did the right thing, you are taking care of yourself. This is the best thing for both of you. Don't worry about it. Let her go...
Emotional Side- What in the f*** were you thinking?!?! Call her write now and tell her you're sorry. Don't let it end this way. In a few months things will be normal again and you'll wish you hadn't done this. Don't give up you idiot.
Logical Side- In a few months it'll all be better? Listen to yourself! Are you stupid? Are you some kind of absolute moron? You're pathetic, even if things are better in summer what happens NEXT WINTER!?!?
Emotional Side- I don't care! I know this is not right, I have to call her right now and tell her...
Logical Side- No you don't! Look even if you did she doesn't want to talk to you in any case. She doesn't like you anymore. Why would she want to talk to you? YOU broke up with her in a fit of anger.
Emotional Side- Exactly I was angry I didn't mean it. She'll understand...
Logical Side- Oh yeah, she'll understand that you 'accidentally' broke up with her. That really makes sense. Get a clue, it's over and you did the right thing, just give it up already.
Emotional Side- Did I really do the right thing?
(return to top and repeat ad nausea)
So yeah, the very next day after the break up I wanted to call and take it back. (I did call her... but then I chickened out and left some lame ass message instead) This feeling was only exasperated by my grandmother heightening my sense of guilt when she told me that I did the wrong thing- that she really needed me more than ever right then and I should have been more understanding... Should I have been angry? Yes. Should I have broken up with her? I've spent the last four months telling myself that I did the right thing and yet not believing it for a moment. I wanted to take it back but there's no do-overs in real life...
So we're hanging out again and being friends again and I'm so glad to be her friend again 'cause I love hanging out with her... but I know I want more and that it's too late. It kills me. There had been talk of future dreams (an apartment, a house, a garden, a family) and I totally bought into those dreams. I've come full circle.
I want to talk to her. Tell her how I feel. Ask if just maybe... but no... She's had a bad time of it lately with her friends and I'd never want her to think I was only hanging out with her because I had an alterior motive. She deserves a friend who is simply and unselfishly her friend- and I'm going to do my best to be that for her... even if every time I look at her I want to hold her and brush back her hair and kiss her and... no, just a supportive friend.
I'll be a good friend.
Forget the past.
Only 4 months.
Move on.
*sigh*
Logical Side- You did the right thing, you are taking care of yourself. This is the best thing for both of you. Don't worry about it. Let her go...
Emotional Side- What in the f*** were you thinking?!?! Call her write now and tell her you're sorry. Don't let it end this way. In a few months things will be normal again and you'll wish you hadn't done this. Don't give up you idiot.
Logical Side- In a few months it'll all be better? Listen to yourself! Are you stupid? Are you some kind of absolute moron? You're pathetic, even if things are better in summer what happens NEXT WINTER!?!?
Emotional Side- I don't care! I know this is not right, I have to call her right now and tell her...
Logical Side- No you don't! Look even if you did she doesn't want to talk to you in any case. She doesn't like you anymore. Why would she want to talk to you? YOU broke up with her in a fit of anger.
Emotional Side- Exactly I was angry I didn't mean it. She'll understand...
Logical Side- Oh yeah, she'll understand that you 'accidentally' broke up with her. That really makes sense. Get a clue, it's over and you did the right thing, just give it up already.
Emotional Side- Did I really do the right thing?
(return to top and repeat ad nausea)
So yeah, the very next day after the break up I wanted to call and take it back. (I did call her... but then I chickened out and left some lame ass message instead) This feeling was only exasperated by my grandmother heightening my sense of guilt when she told me that I did the wrong thing- that she really needed me more than ever right then and I should have been more understanding... Should I have been angry? Yes. Should I have broken up with her? I've spent the last four months telling myself that I did the right thing and yet not believing it for a moment. I wanted to take it back but there's no do-overs in real life...
So we're hanging out again and being friends again and I'm so glad to be her friend again 'cause I love hanging out with her... but I know I want more and that it's too late. It kills me. There had been talk of future dreams (an apartment, a house, a garden, a family) and I totally bought into those dreams. I've come full circle.
I want to talk to her. Tell her how I feel. Ask if just maybe... but no... She's had a bad time of it lately with her friends and I'd never want her to think I was only hanging out with her because I had an alterior motive. She deserves a friend who is simply and unselfishly her friend- and I'm going to do my best to be that for her... even if every time I look at her I want to hold her and brush back her hair and kiss her and... no, just a supportive friend.
I'll be a good friend.
Forget the past.
Only 4 months.
Move on.
*sigh*