well sh**
I broke up with Laura. My mind is split in two. I feel as though I’ve escaped a trap I’d been caught in and yet still I cry at night and can’t sleep until I’m so exhausted I pass out. Things were so wonderful. In Laura I had found nearly everything I’d been looking for in a partner... and then seemingly over night it all changed. I couldn’t have a conversation with her. Her response to everything was monosyllabic and I found myself with the uncomfortable choice between unwanted silences and inane small talk. I could not touch her and she would not touch me. To be with somebody who would not even kiss me... I couldn’t cope. I’d placed a lot of hopes onto the night of the 7th I now realize. I had this whole night planned, I’d thought it would be wonderful... I’m such an idiot. My presence seamed only to annoy her. She didn’t seam to enjoy the ballet making me wonder why we’d even bothered. She was gorgeous and yet I couldn’t reach out and hold her hand. It was eating me up gnawing at my heart and leaving me feeling worthless, unwanted, like a tag along. For some stupid reason I’d brought along some new lingerie... I’d thought she’d really enjoy seeing me in it. At home in the mirror for the first time ever I was truly feeling good about my body... I wanted to share myself with her. She wanted me to go home... *crying again* I lost me temper. I should have known she’d do this. I should have seen it coming but... I just wanted her to think I was beautiful, to touch me, kiss me-even once. So I gave her back the ring she gave me and now my finger feels all wrong. I haven’t spoken with her in 6 days and all I do is worry that she’s okay. Where did the person who wanted to rent an apartment together and build a life together go? I feel bad for breaking up with her... I didn’t want to, I don’t want to believe it really happened, I want to think it was a nightmare and I’ll wake up tomorrow and the ring will still be on my finger and her picture won’t be in my closet but still sitting on my nightstand and she’ll actually want to see me and hold me and kiss me. I’m such a jack ass. Where’d the woman I loved only a month ago disappear too? I feel so lonely and I try to tell myself that at least I have my self respect but it doesn’t warm my heart at night in the darkness. I miss her so much...