(no subject)
Things have been tough lately. For a few weeks, really. Janelle contacted me and wanted to reconcile maybe three-ish weeks ago. I was scared, terrified, but also so eager and happy to fix things. My life without her has been miserable. I am miserable. I am completely worthless, everything I do is worthless, everything I am is wortherless, and Janelle was the one thing I had that had worth, but now I don't have that anymore.
So, while I was happy to try to fix things I was also terrified. Scared that I would get hurt again. And it fell apart. I should have seen it coming. It always falls apart. I would have done anything to fix things.
I feel like I have nothing. My house is falling apart and I can't afford to fix it. I tried to mow the lawn last night, but the riding mower smoked a lot and I was afraid it was going to catch on fire again. I need to get another fire extinguisher. My doorway and subfloor have been rotting from water damage. I think the carpenter ant infestation is back. My shed roof is also leaking and starting to rot. My van brakes are fucked up. I am not really a part of Wyvern Rising anymore, which was my home larp for so long. The larp I tried to start, Colony Alpha, is dying a slow death. I have not released a new part at work for over a year.
I feel like it's death by a thousand cuts.
I cry at my desk at work almost every day again. For a while I was able to contain my daily crying fits to when I was away from people, but it's just not possible anymore. Shit, I am sobbing away while writing this. I am honestly not sure why I haven't been fired.
People avoid me. Probably because I am sad and worthless. I don't blame them. I am such a burden.
It's weird to just be so alone. It's weird to not have someone intimately interested when I am happy or sad or whatever, and vice versa. That's probably one of the things I miss the most; sharing thoughts and feelings with Janelle, being happy with her about accomplishments, being sad with her about setbacks, and her doing the same for me. I think the other thing I miss the most is laying in bed with her; sleeping and waking up and having her be there, putting my arm around her or kissing her in the twilight of consciousness; watching television in bed with her and just being lazy silly people together in bed. I miss kissing her as I would leave for work and she would be half asleep or half awake and she would smile instinctively
Blargh. I just had to pause and sob uncontrollably at my desk for a bit. I'm back now.
I got a muscle relaxer for my neck. It's really fucked up. I've talked to a doctor about it, but she said there is nothing she can do. She prescribed me muscle relaxers, cyclobenzaprine. Last night I was counting them out and thinking about overdosing. I didn't obviously, but I feel like I am getting close. A worthless end to a worthless life.
So, while I was happy to try to fix things I was also terrified. Scared that I would get hurt again. And it fell apart. I should have seen it coming. It always falls apart. I would have done anything to fix things.
I feel like I have nothing. My house is falling apart and I can't afford to fix it. I tried to mow the lawn last night, but the riding mower smoked a lot and I was afraid it was going to catch on fire again. I need to get another fire extinguisher. My doorway and subfloor have been rotting from water damage. I think the carpenter ant infestation is back. My shed roof is also leaking and starting to rot. My van brakes are fucked up. I am not really a part of Wyvern Rising anymore, which was my home larp for so long. The larp I tried to start, Colony Alpha, is dying a slow death. I have not released a new part at work for over a year.
I feel like it's death by a thousand cuts.
I cry at my desk at work almost every day again. For a while I was able to contain my daily crying fits to when I was away from people, but it's just not possible anymore. Shit, I am sobbing away while writing this. I am honestly not sure why I haven't been fired.
People avoid me. Probably because I am sad and worthless. I don't blame them. I am such a burden.
It's weird to just be so alone. It's weird to not have someone intimately interested when I am happy or sad or whatever, and vice versa. That's probably one of the things I miss the most; sharing thoughts and feelings with Janelle, being happy with her about accomplishments, being sad with her about setbacks, and her doing the same for me. I think the other thing I miss the most is laying in bed with her; sleeping and waking up and having her be there, putting my arm around her or kissing her in the twilight of consciousness; watching television in bed with her and just being lazy silly people together in bed. I miss kissing her as I would leave for work and she would be half asleep or half awake and she would smile instinctively
Blargh. I just had to pause and sob uncontrollably at my desk for a bit. I'm back now.
I got a muscle relaxer for my neck. It's really fucked up. I've talked to a doctor about it, but she said there is nothing she can do. She prescribed me muscle relaxers, cyclobenzaprine. Last night I was counting them out and thinking about overdosing. I didn't obviously, but I feel like I am getting close. A worthless end to a worthless life.