i've learned the hard way...to never let it get that far...

[jerzsrfer]

So...i was having a pretty good day again...but this is usually around the time when it gets bad...when i've run out of things to do...things to talk about and good things to think about. i try so hard to just forget it...and pretend like im ok. im trying to do that because i know everyone is sick of hearing about it. im trying to keep it to myself. i'm trying to do this alone. im not really good at it. but i guess ive gotten used to it now. being alone. i suppose maybe its what i deserve. yesterday and today i had really good talks with lacey. honestly...she is really the only friend i have. besides my family... the only person who says i love you and i really believe it. i mean just love as a friend...i know she cares about me. thats good to have. i dont know what i would do without her. i dont think im really sad about not having chelsea as a lover anymore...i've gotten over that part...im just sad because we arent even friends...i guess i understand why. but i guess thats what im upset about now. that i feel like i dont mean anything anymore. i know that i will learn to move on and now i think it will be easier for me to recognize when im not wanted anymore. im trying really hard to learn from this whole experience and maybe find the positives...just right now thats really hard. i fall into deep depressions now at night time...and i feel so bad because i always snap at my mom when she asks me whats wrong...its just i dont really want to talk about it..but i know she is always just trying to help. i think right now i just need to be left alone. im gonna go run now...beat the hell out of myself the healthy way...because thats honestly the only thing i can do...to get this all out. so i don't do something stupid again.
well i guess maybe i'll write more later if i need to. sometimes this helps.
later.
marissa