(no subject)
fucking shit,
i just lost the damn entry i wrote
damn internet
let's see if i remember exactly how i put this...oh yes....it was like this:
words cannot describe how i feel right now. i'm 2 different sides of the specturm. i feel satisfied, content, relieved......but i feel hollow, alone, empty...
i saw adam tonight and it went relatively well. we did our normal thing, we went to parkside and played some music. dave was working so we got free drinks...shit...i forgot to leave him a tip.....yet another reason i have to go back
it was like nothing had happened. we sat there and talked but we also laughed and reminisced and it was just so good to see him. he could have been screaming at me but just because i was there with him made it that much better. we discussed what happened, i learned he partly blames himself, saying if he treated me better i may have never strayed. those damn "what if" questions. they get you every time. and of course, there's some validity to that. but who's to say if he did treat me the way i wanted i still would have cheated. i didn't want to sit there and play the blame game and point fingers b/c bottom line i screwed up. there is no excuse or reason to justify what i did. i wasn't happy, yes, but that does not give me a good reason to cheat. but he is somewhat to blame because if he at least tried perhaps i wouldn't have gone elsewhere to find the emotional attention i craved. if i were 100%, even 90% happy it wouldn't have happened, there would have been no reason for it. adam would have been all i needed. but the fact of the matter is he wasn't. it's a huge slap in the face when it basically comes down to you're not special enough to someone for them to put the extra effort it, and that to me how it was. i didn't do it for him, i didn't make him want to try. i meant a lot to him, but not enough apparently.
everything was going relatively well until he got up and went to the bathroom. i was looking around the bar, studying the familiar faces, the layout, the music, even the smell. and it dawned on me that this was no longer going to be my bar, this wasn't going to be my home away from home. after tonight, there is a very large chance i'd never see him again, and if i did, it wouldn't be for a very long time. and i got so upset. when he came back i started tearing and i had to basically run out of the bar. i wanted nothing more than for him to chase me outside and wrap his arms around me and tell me it'd be ok, that we can work through this.
he didn't
instead i looked through the window and watched him and dave talk. he had his head in his hand and looked so aggravated. i'm not sure if he was upset at the situation or they were just talking but it seemed as though he was saying "i don't know what the fuck is going on, i have no clue what she expects from me"
i calmed down and asked him to take a walk in the park. it's where we basically came to the understanding of it'd be very easy for us to get back together and follow the same routine we had. but then we'd run into the same problem a few weeks down the road. not to mention he would resent me and second guess everything. i'd have to work so hard to regain his trust. i'm not sure it's worth it just to break up. my head is logically saying "girl, move on and let go, it ain't happenin" but my heart(which always wins out) is yelling at me not to give up hope, that there is something still there that can't be ignored. it's the history, the connection, and the raw physical attraction.
then i don't know how it happened, we went up to his apartment cause i had to go the bathroom. the thunderstorms started back up so we were stuck there for a while. the conversation continued to go in circles, but somehow we started to get a little more flirty. by the time we went downstairs to play megatouch the alochol was hitting both of us. i stopped drinking so i could soak everything in and make sure i held onto the night as long as possible. i was joking about how i came prepared, all shaven and smooth just in case. i jokingly said "why do you think i wore a skirt, easy access my friend".
i won't lie, i did dress up for him. i wore one of his favorite shirts and i did my makeup light b/c i know he likes natural looking girls and i wore the earrings i bought that he liked...blah blah blah. not really to make him want me, but just so i looked good. i didn't want to look like crap.
but as with all things, it did eventually come to an end. and when it did, i immediately started crying. not because it happened, not because it might not happen again, but because i won't talk to him tomorrow, or the next day. there won't be any phone calls or text messages at work. there won't be plans to do something on the weekends.
if i left his apartment, i may not see him again
that's why i was crying
he kept promising me this won't be it, we'll talk. we'll see each other. and i know we will, it's a matter of when.
i know he's toying with the idea of getting back together. but i also know his logical side will win out. because of his pride he won't allow it. he won't let himself be taken advantage like that. he'd never be able to face my friends and family knowing that they know. he wouldn't be able to trust me....
one thing we both agreed on, we don't want to see each other with anyone else. he's bent on thinking i'm going to meet someone so amazing, so much better than him within like the next 2 months and it'll kill him and he'll find out about it someway (ha, probably through my diary if he keeps reading)...
i told him i'm not sure if i can be friends with him. it's all well and dandy while we're single. but the second he meets someone else, i will go insane. he says it'll kill him when i look at someone else the way i look at him now, with such love and admiration.
i'm going back and forth, i realise that, be patient.
i don't know what i want. i'm so torn because i cannot be without him. even his friends, i want his friends in my life. there was nothing like going to matt and heathers and partying with all his boys and playing beer pong and ruling the table, then CRUSHING him in ping pong....god i don't want to give that up.
i left my stuff at his apartment. gives me a reason to go back again
i really would give anything to get back together with him. and there's my struggle. i want to, lord knows i want to and i'd try my damndess and i'd do everything to try to make him happy. but you know what, i was doing that already. but i know that it'd be for a short period of time. we'd run into the same problems and have the same arguments and we'd break up down the road again.
so how do you walk away from someone you've basically built everything you know around? my hair, clothes, makeup, music, etc. has been influenced in one way or another by him.
i don't know, i guess i'll stop rambling, i'm talking in circles.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *quick edit* so it's 9:00 in the morning, don't ask me why i'm up, i've been up since 7:30. just wanted to update that i'm fine, this entry was a mix of exhaustion and alcohol. yes, it's how i truly feel but now i can look at the situation with a clear head and realize it definately isn't over. i mean the relationship is yes, but having him in my life. i will see him again, i will talk to him again. and if i don't for another couple of weeks i'm fine with that. i've lasted 2 weeks, it only gets easier here on out, right? but yeah, i'm fine. i'll survive. i'm strong damnit. hot damn it was so good to see him last night. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.