Remix of littlealex
Title: Panza Llena, Corazón Contento
Rating: R
Group/Pairing: Arashi/Sakumoto
Warnings: Non-explicit rough sex, brief hospital scene
Notes: Thank you to my betas for putting up with me, the mods for being wonderful, and littlealex for writing something I had so much fun picking apart. I hope you enjoy it!!
Link to Original Story: Don't Worry
Link to Origial Writer: littlealex
Over the years, Jun has come to know Aiba as someone who truly does believe in the goodness of people and the fairness of the universe. So when he needs reassurance, that's the person he goes to see.
When he first brought it up, Aiba suggested they meet over breakfast at some hole-in-the-wall restaurant he'd just discovered, and Jun had no reason to argue. When he gets there, Aiba is already eating tamagoyaki, shoveling each bite into his mouth just as he always does: with great enthusiasm. Aiba loves to eat, thinks it's the greatest thing in the world and that a good, lovingly prepared meal can solve just about any problem - considering the family he comes from, this is hardly a surprise - and when he's found something delicious, he wants to share it with everyone. This appears to be the case with his tamagoyaki; he offers Jun a bite, and Jun takes it without second thought, knowing that even if Aiba doesn't always pick the highest quality or the healthiest, he does pick the tastiest. This time is no different.
He orders his own food - Aiba recommends the okonomiyaki - and makes himself comfortable at the table as they chat, their conversation light and bordering on silly. When Jun's food arrives, Aiba's bubbly laughter has loosened him up enough that he feels confident diving right into the subject. "Hey, Aiba-chan," he says as he reaches for his chopsticks, "does Sho-san seem okay to you lately?"
Aiba hums in thought. "He does seem a little stressed out. That's normal though - he's been working hard for his drama. You know how he gets."
"True," Jun says. He takes a bite of his food, thinking as he chews. The okonomiyaki is rich and flavorful, and he takes a moment to savor it before he swallows and says, "This time seems a little worse than usual, though."
"Well, you have been seeing more of him than we have," Aiba agrees. He wags his eyebrows, and the side of his mouth curves into a smirk so suggestive that Jun can't help but blush a little. "But I'm sure he's fine," Aiba continues, waving off Jun's concern. "Sho-chan's an adult, right? He can take care of himself."
Jun nods, not wholly convinced but willing to concede for now. "You're probably right."
"Of course! I'm always right."
The conversation dissolves into a playful debate about the truth of that statement, and before long, Jun has forgotten his worry entirely.
~
Bruschetta topped with diced-tomato salad was laid out on large trays and carried around the room at the party where it first happened. Jun thought it tasted amazing and had what he would think back later as being way too much. Sho, however, seemed to have spent the entire time hovering near the open bar.
When he cornered Jun in the bathroom later that evening, his voice was steady but his breath reeked of alcohol and his movements were just a little off, just enough for Jun to notice because after ten years, Jun knew where to look: the overly cautious way Sho locked the door, the unnecessarily forceful way he pushed Jun against the wall, the clumsy way his fingers slipped on the zipper of Jun's slacks.
Jun has a bad habit about gift horses and looking where he shouldn't, but he was a little drunk that night too, and he'd been waiting too long to analyze the situation when he finally got what he wanted.
~
Katsudon was the lunch they were ignoring when they snuck into an empty side room while taking a break from Himitsu filming. "But Sho-kun," Jun tried, but then Sho shut him up with a kiss, and, well, that was good enough for him.
He'd thought the incident at the party would be a one-time thing, but then Sho kept coming to him, kept dragging him off to bathroom stalls and broom closets, kept looking to him for some kind of stress relief he apparently couldn't or didn't want to achieve on his own. Sho had just started filming Quiz Show, and Jun of all people knew how stressful that could be and how important it was to relax with mindless activities, so he was glad to help. And, honestly, it wasn't as if helping Sho unwind was a completely selfless act. Jun's boyhood crush had faded a long time ago, but there was still physical attraction there, plus he himself had just started filming for Smile and the stress relief was working both ways. So the way Jun saw it, there was no downside to this thing they had going.
Still - Sho's timing wasn't always the best. Minutes into their rendezvous, when Jun was kneeling and working Sho's jeans down his thighs, Sho's stomach grumbled, the noise loud and comical in the small space. Jun looked up at him and cocked an eyebrow, barely holding back his laughter. "Sure you're not hungry?"
Unfazed, Sho grabbed a fistful of Jun's hair and pulled hard to hold him in place, not close enough to touch but close enough to make his intent clear. "You're the one who's going to have a mouthful."
Even with Sho's fingers in his hair, Jun rolled his eyes. "Oh Sho-chan," he mock-gasped, "your awful jokes really put me in the mood."
"That's okay," Sho said, smiling dangerously as he pulled harder. "You don't need to be turned on for this to work."
As unsexy as the stomach-growling was, the domineering tone and the manhandling were definitely working for Jun. He licked his lips, all distractions forgotten, and stuck his tongue out to give Sho a preview of what he could be doing if he were allowed to move his head.
Sho got the hint, and Jun got to work.
~
Takeout Indian curry with a side of vegetable somosas and an ice-cold beer was the dinner Jun was treating himself to after a hard day of filming when Sho knocked on his door.
Even through the peephole, Jun could tell that Sho was shaken up. He'd just come from filming if his over-stylized hair was any indication, and he stood fidgeting in the hallway as he waited for Jun to answer. When Jun finally opened the door, Sho's gaze honed in on him and sharpened.
"Hey," Jun greeted him, "if you're hungry, I just got some curry -"
But before he could finish, Sho pushed him inside, slamming the door closed and staying in the genkan only long enough to slip out of his shoes before crowding Jun up against the wall. Jun started to ask what was going on, but Sho lifted his hand to cover Jun's mouth, shocking Jun into stillness. All he could do was blink, his noise of surprise muffled by Sho's palm.
"Either say no," Sho said, "or don't say anything. Understand?"
His voice was low, unwavering, and his eyes were sharp and unreadable. They'd never sought each other out like this before, only hooked up at parties or during breaks at work, but Sho was clearly frazzled and looking for some kind of relief. Somewhere in the back of Jun's mind, he knew this wasn't the best way to deal with whatever Sho was going through - but in that moment, all he could think about was Sho's fingers over his mouth, Sho's eyes locked onto his, Sho's knee pressing up between his thighs.
Jun nodded his consent, and Sho removed his hand to replace it with his mouth.
They stumbled their way through the apartment in a tangle of limbs, their discarded clothing trailing behind them. When they made it to the bedroom, Sho pushed Jun down onto the mattress, pinned his wrists against the pillows, and fucked him until he couldn't speak even if he'd wanted to. They never did get to the curry.
~
Tarako-filled onigiri was the hasty lunch Jun was scarfing down on the way from one studio to another when he decided to talk to Aiba about it.
It wasn't that he didn't like this new, rough side of Sho - in fact, he liked it very much - but he didn't like where it was coming from. Jun could see even if Sho wouldn't admit to it that Sho was stressed out, and rather than addressing his issues and dealing with them, he was just immersing himself in drinking and fucking. Jun liked both of those, but he also believed in balance and moderation. Sho clearly wanted nothing to do with either.
So Jun went to Aiba, and at first he managed to calm his nerves by repeating what Aiba told him: Sho-chan is an adult. He can take care of himself.
For a while, it worked. But the problem hasn't gone away, and Jun can only ignore something for so long before it starts to wear him down.
~
Jun tends to view problems as being more complicated than they really are, whereas Ohno tends to view them as being overly simple. When they meet in the middle, it's easier for Jun to see the world more clearly. He has always admired this aspect of Ohno's leadership. So when reassurance alone will no longer calm his nerves, when he needs someone to bounce ideas off of in order to sort the thoughts in his head, he goes to Leader.
He picks up a box of chocolate chip cookies on his way to meet Ohno, because he wants to show his appreciation and because he knows that when it comes to food, Ohno is easy to please. He likes eating just because, and he'll take anything offered to him and think ninety-nine percent of it is delicious. One time, before an episode of Shukudai-kun, Nino bet Jun that Ohno would say "umai" more times than he spoke for the camera; Jun lost a thousand yen that day.
As Jun settles onto the couch and begins telling Ohno about his problem, he watches Ohno open the package of cookies and eat one, then another. He seems wholly invested in chewing and tasting, but Jun knows he's listening. He gets all the way to the part about how Sho has practically moved into his apartment before Ohno finally looks up at him and asks, "But you don't mind, right?"
"No, of course not," Jun says. "I like most of what's going on," he continues, taking a cookie to be polite when Ohno offers the package. He takes a bite and has to admit that he made a good choice when he picked these up; the dough is soft and chewy, and the semi-sweet chocolate chips give it a pleasantly earthy taste. "I like sharing the apartment with him, and I like being around him more often, and I really like the sex. But every night it's the same thing. I cook dinner for both of us, he barely even touches it, downs a beer or two instead, and then he fucks me into the nearest flat surface until I scream."
"But you like it," Ohno interjects. He bites into his cookie, and when Jun nods, he asks, "So then what's the problem?" Little crumbs spill down his shirt, and he brushes them away absentmindedly, keeping his eyes on Jun.
"I'm just worried he's taking it too far."
"But you can't control him, right? It's Sho-chan. If he wants to do something, he'll do it."
Jun can't help but sulk. "I guess you're right."
Ohno hums and nods as if agreeing with himself, chewing silently and staring at some point behind Jun for a long moment. Finally he says, still gazing into the distance, "I know you want to take care of everyone, and that's why you're worried. But you need to take care of yourself, too."
Jun smiles weakly. "Thanks, Leader." He finishes off the rest of his cookie, still worried about Sho but comforted at least by Ohno's words and the cookie's sweet, unsophisticated taste. "I'll try."
~
Fresh soft-shell crab is on Jun's mind when he finally snaps.
He got the idea that morning when he was eating breakfast, looked up a recipe on his phone during lunch, bought the ingredients on his way home, and couldn't stop thinking about how perfect it was going to be when he finally got Sho to eat something.
But when he gets home, excited to prepare a spectacular dinner for them, he finds Sho doing push-ups in the living room.
He knows Sho's been working out as part of his efforts to slim down for this stupid role, but seeing it in action is something different. He hovers there in the doorway, the bag of groceries swaying awkwardly at his side, staring unnoticed for a full minute before he steps into the room and says, "What are you doing?"
Sho stops, his gaze snapping to Jun. He looks like he's been caught, but the expression disappears in an instant, replaced by cool nonchalance. He ignores the question, offering instead a simple "hey" before he starts up again. He's red-faced and sweating and out of breath, and in so many other circumstances, Jun would find it sexy as hell, but with all the shit Sho has been putting himself through lately...
Now, the image is unsettling more than anything. Jun tries to move past it, lifting up the grocery bag for Sho to see. "I bought some crab. I thought we could have a nice dinner tonight."
Sho doesn't even look up. "No thanks. Already ate."
Jun knows that's bullshit, but he tries to keep his tone gentle - tries to stay focused on his goal. "Are you sure? If you're still hungry..."
"I'm fine," Sho answers, curt and bordering on defensive.
Jun thinks he's been doing a pretty good job of keeping it together, but with that one sentence, he finally feels himself break. He stomps across the living room without another word, so pissed off that when he gets to the kitchen, he roots through the grocery bag to find the package of crab and hurls it into the trash bin. He leaves the rest of the groceries on the table, pours himself a deep glass of wine, and retreats to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
By the time he finishes his bath, he's made it halfway through the wine and has started to calm down. He feels bad about the food, so he goes back to the kitchen to salvage the crab from the trash; it's still chilly in its plastic wrapping, and as he puts it in the fridge with the rest of the groceries, he promises himself he'll cook it tomorrow.
Sho is waiting for him in the bedroom. He looks terse, a little awkward, as he sits on the bed, but he doesn't apologize. He just watches Jun get ready for bed, both of them silent, and when Jun slips under the blankets, Sho closes in, shifting along the covers to lie beside him, snaking an arm around his waist, leaning in for a kiss.
Jun turns away.
All he says is "Not tonight," but from the stunned look on Sho's face, he understands what it means: If you won't let me feed you, I won't let you fuck me.
When Sho gets up and leaves, Jun feels like he's done the right thing. He might not be able to make Sho take care of himself, but he can at least limit his own involvement in Sho's downward spiral.
But when he hears Sho turn on the TV in the living room and go back to his workout, something inside of him sinks.
~
Where Aiba is gentle, Nino is honest. Where Ohno is calm, Nino is realistic. He is clever, observant, and ruthless, and he can always be counted on to find the most efficient way through a problem. So when Jun is really desperate, when he's tried and tried and can't solve the puzzle he's working on, he goes to Nino.
The fastest way to Nino's good side is through his wallet, so Jun invites him to lunch and picks a moderately priced diner he knows Nino likes, a far cry from the outrageously expensive places Jun usually picks for himself. In eating, as in all areas of his life, Nino favors practicality over frivolity: he enjoys food that tastes good, sure, but he has a weak stomach and a short attention span, and in the end, he appreciates food mostly for its necessity. He eats to survive, not to savor.
Halfway into their meal, Nino pauses to set his burger down on his plate and says, "Let me make sure I've got this right." Jun nods, so he continues. "The guy you've had a crush on since you were a pimply pubescent brat has turned to you for comfort, now he's living with you, and the two of regularly engage in wild, fantastic sex... and you're complaining?"
Jun glares over his glass of beer. He swallows and says, "I'm not complaining, Ninomiya, I'm concerned."
Nino looks skeptical. "What's there to be concerned about? Sounds to me like you've got everything you want."
"Have you even seen him? He's skeletal! He's working himself ragged, I can't get him to eat anything -"
"It's Sho," Nino interrupts, saying it as if it explains everything. "Heaven forbid he admit defeat. He has a deep-rooted need to forge on and conquer the shit out of whatever's dragging him down. He's always been like that."
"I know," Jun sighs. He looks down at his mostly uneaten salad and pushes the vegetables around with his fork, building up the courage to finally mutter, "I just feel helpless, you know? Like I'm watching one of my best friends waste away and there's nothing I can do to fix it." He glances up to catch Nino's reaction, only to find Nino staring so hard that Jun thinks there might be something on his face. "What?"
"Do you even hear yourself?"
"What?" he repeats, starting to get pissed off.
"I don't think your problem is with Sho," Nino says. "I think it's with your own inability to control the situation."
This time Jun is the one who stares. "That's bullshit."
"Is it? What pisses you off more, that he's doing something stupid or that he won't listen to you when you tell him to stop?"
"So that's it? There's nothing wrong with Sho - I'm just a control freak?"
Nino shrugs, feigning innocence. "I didn't say it quite like that, but yeah. Look, I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear, but that's how I see it. You want to be in control, Sho doesn't like being told he can't do something, and if you keep pushing..." He doesn't finish, but he doesn't need to. Jun's heard enough.
He reaches for his beer and changes the subject.
~
Lemon and rosemary chicken over orzo and two freshly poured glasses of red wine are laid out across the table the next time Sho and Jun are alone together. The food is growing cold, but they're too busy using the table for another, decidedly less wholesome purpose to sit down and eat.
Sho has Jun bent over the table, wrists pinned at the small of his back, their hips pressed together. He leans down to nip at Jun's shoulder and reaches with his free hand to unbutton Jun's jeans, to work open the zipper. "What," he whispers, playful, "no fight in you tonight?"
Jun is feeling just as playful, and he puts up a bit of a struggle for show. He doesn't mean to actually get out of Sho's hold, nor does he expect to - Sho is stronger than he is, and he hasn't been able to do it before - but when he tries, it takes barely any effort for him to slip out of Sho's grasp. At first he thinks Sho let him go intentionally, but he feels Sho go still behind him and glances over his shoulder just in time to catch the surprised expression on Sho's face.
Sho meets his eyes, his face completely open and shocked. In the next instant he's looking away, recovering quickly as he snatches Jun's wrists and hikes them so far up Jun's back that Jun can't help but moan.
Sho fucks him right there, and when their frenzied movements knock over the glasses and send wine spilling over the table and soaking into the cloth, they just keep going.
~
A bento box filled with rice, cut vegetables, and steamed fish is handed to him by an AD as he's leaving the Smile set for a break. He finds a place to settle down and crack the bento open, but he doesn't tear into it the way he would any other day.
He loves food, thinks it's an easy and wonderfully mundane break from the rest of his life, and there are few things as satisfying as taking a bite of something delicious after he's made sure that everyone else's bowl is filled. But now, as he stares down into the box of food in his lap, the thought of eating makes him feel vaguely ill.
He feels like he's right back at square one but even worse now because he can't shake the uneasy tension settling low in his stomach. It follows him everywhere he goes: when he's with Sho, when he's at work, when he's alone. He didn't sleep much last night after the newest failed attempt at dinner, and now he feels bone-tired, so exhausted that he can barely think. He doesn't want to think anymore. And he doesn't want to eat, either. Just imagining himself picking up the chopsticks is almost too much to bear.
But he knows that he has to - knows that as much as he might dislike it at first, he'll feel better afterwards - knows that it's all he can do to make the awful feeling in the pit of his stomach go away.
He takes the chopsticks in hand and picks up the first piece.
~
Tricolor tortellini stuffed with spinach and ricotta is boiling in the pot when it comes to an end.
This is attempt number three at a nice sit-down dinner, but this time Jun has convinced Sho to help him prepare it, hoping that it might get Sho excited about eating it as well. He didn't ask Sho to do much, just put together a salad and get the pasta going, but so far Sho has been cooperative. Now Jun is working on the sauce, and after that's done, all that's left is to wait for the pasta to finish.
They make small talk as they work, chatting about their dramas and the latest batch of ridiculous picture texts from Leader. Jun thinks everything is going fine until they reach a lull in the conversation, and that's when Sho leans back against the counter, watching Jun work over the stove, and asks, "So have you been all right?"
Jun glances up from the sauce, caught off guard by the question. "What do you mean?"
"Lately you just seem... distant."
Before, Jun would have kept his thoughts to himself. But he's so fed up with all the bullshit, with being polite, that he says, "I'm just tired. It's exhausting, you know, trying to get you to eat."
Sho laughs, but the sound is brittle, humorless. "Why is this so important to you?"
It's a simple question, but when Jun hears it, something inside of him finally switches on. He feels disconnected from his own body, like he can't stop himself from shooting back, "Why isn't it important to you, you idiot? You're practically starving yourself."
Sho has the audacity to look like he has no idea what Jun's talking about. "Jun, I'm not -"
"Shut up," Jun snaps, and for the moment at least, Sho is startled into silence. Jun continues, feeling the anger pour out of him, completely beyond his control. "For weeks I've been watching you starve yourself and treat your body like shit. I know you've got a lot on your plate, I know it's hard, but you can't deal with it like this. All you do anymore is work and drink and exercise and take all of your frustration out on me - and, okay, I'll be honest, part of this is my fault because I enjoyed being around you, enjoyed trying to take care of you, enjoyed the sex. But when you can't even hold me down long enough to fuck me -"
He stops, letting himself breathe. He can feel himself starting to come down, deflating now that the anger has been let out after taking up so much room for so long. He already feels better.
Sho, on the other hand, looks furious.
For a long moment, they simply stare at each other. Jun feels light-headed with relief, but Sho is stone-faced, his jaw set like he's seconds away from grinding his teeth. He steps away from the counter, every muscle tense, and says quietly, "I think it's time for me to go."
"Sho-kun," Jun tries, but Sho is already walking away.
Jun follows him through the apartment, watches as he gathers the various and sundry items that have accumulated in the time Sho's been there: clothes, newspapers, scripts. Sho collects them all and shoves them into the backpack he'd left by the entryway, ignoring Jun the whole time. It isn't until he steps into the genkan that he regards Jun coolly, bowing low and saying, "Thank you for your hospitality, Matsumoto-san. I'm sorry to have been a burden."
"Sho, come on."
Sho closes the front door firmly behind him. Jun stands there in the genkan, feeling numb but lighter than he has in days.
When he returns to the kitchen, the sauce is a little burnt and the water is boiling over the edge of the pot, hissing on the stovetop where it pools. Jun turns the heat off, finishes preparing the tortellini, and serves himself. He cleans his plate, goes back for seconds, and even though it didn't turn out perfectly, he can't remember the last time something he made tasted so delicious.
~
Fruit-filled pastries in the VS Arashi meeting room are the breakfast over which Sho ignores him the next day.
Senbei with green tea is the between-takes snack over which Sho ignores him the day after that.
Catered Thai cuisine is the lunch over which Sho ignores him the day after that.
Aiba tells him not to worry, that Sho knows he was just trying to help and will forgive him eventually.
Ohno insists everything will work out in the end but doesn't clarify how.
Nino just says, "I told you so."
~
Garlic tzatziki with crispy pita chips is making its way around the party Jun attends the week after the incident with Sho. The food is delicious, but the wine is better; Jun is on his second glass and knee-deep in conversation about haute couture and the colors for this season, and he feels better than he has since the night Sho left. There's still concern lingering in the back of his mind, but it feels good to distract himself with alcohol and vapid conversation for a while.
That's when his cell phone rings.
He ignores it at first, reaching into his pocket and canceling the call without looking at it. But when it just starts buzzing again, he pulls it out to see who's calling.
Aiba.
Jun stares at his phone and debates for long enough that the call ends by itself. He's okay with that, knowing that if it's something important, Aiba will leave a voicemail or send him a text - and that's exactly what happens. The text arrives in his inbox within moments and reads, MATSUJUN CALL ME BACK!!!! IT'S ABOUT SHO-CHAN!!!
Jun isn't sure what he'd been expecting, but that certainly wasn't it. He tries to push it down, but the feeling of worry flares up again in the pit of his stomach. He excuses himself from the conversation and works his way through the crowd, to the door at the back of the room that leads to the terrace.
The night air is chilly against his thin jacket, and the ringtone sounds too loud in his ears. It only takes two rings before Aiba picks up.
"Matsujun?" He sounds breathless and worried. Jun's concern skyrockets.
"What's going on?"
"It's Sho-chan. He collapsed."
All the air in Jun's lungs comes rushing out at once, his chest tightening and his stomach coiling. For a moment he can't even speak, isn't even aware of what's going on around him. All he can think is a steady mantra of Sho, you idiot, you idiot, you idiot and that if something irreparable has happened, he'll never forgive himself.
"Aiba-chan, where are you?" he asks, already moving towards the door. "I'll be there as fast as I can."
~
Chilled soba, vegetable tempura, and steaming tea are laid out on the tray being carted into Sho's hospital room when Jun gets there. Sho's manager is standing outside the sliding door, talking at top speed into her cell phone. She sees him coming and pulls the phone away from her ear to press her hand against the mouthpiece. "Matsumoto-san," she greets him.
Jun can't think to be polite right now. "How is he? What happened?"
She waves off his concern easily. "He was at the Quiz Show wrap-up party when he collapsed. The doctors have run all sorts of tests and they say he's fine, just exhausted and malnourished. They're keeping him overnight so he can rest and finish the dose of vitamins they're pumping into him, and then tomorrow he'll be free to go."
At those words, Jun lets himself breathe. He thanks her with a bow, and she goes back to her cell phone. When the nurse steps back out, she recognizes him instantly and lets him into the room with a smile.
There are wires hooked up to Sho through a patch on his chest and a tiny monitor on his right index finger, there's an IV drip taped over the back of his hand, and he looks like shit warmed over. But he's awake and sitting up, and he smiles gently when Jun walks into the room.
Aiba leaps up from the chair beside Sho's bed, rushing forward to pull Jun into a tight hug. Jun hugs back out of instinct, but he can't take his attention off of Sho. Aiba pulls away and glances at Sho, then back at Jun, and then announces to the room, "I'm gonna check out the cafeteria."
When he leaves, the silence left behind is heavy, awkward. Jun hovers near the foot of the bed, unsure of what to do. He clasps his hands and opens his mouth - he's not even sure what he's going to say - but Sho beats him to it.
"I'm sorry," he says.
It's the last thing Jun was expecting to hear.
Sho's voice is hoarse, and it sounds odd to Jun. "For everything," he continues. "For worrying you. For being such an asshole."
"A huge asshole," Jun agrees, and is relieved when Sho laughs, the sound weak but genuine. "It happens," he says. He remembers Nino, and glances around uneasily before muttering, "I'm sorry, too, for being so pushy."
Sho is still smiling. "It happens, right?"
"So... we're cool, then?"
"Yeah. We're cool."
For the first time since he got the call from Aiba, Jun feels like he can finally relax. "That's good to hear." He clears his throat, glancing back at the tray of food the nurse left by the door. "Are you, uh... hungry?"
Sho smiles as if it's the funniest thing he's heard in days. Jun has missed that smile. "Sure."
The tray is set on a mobile table designed to hang over the side of the bed. Jun pulls it over and gets to work positioning the table, careful of the wires as he adjusts the height and arranges the food. Sho watches him the whole time, a quietly bemused expression on his face. When Jun pulls the chopsticks out of their paper slip and breaks them apart, Sho says, "Are you going to feed me, too?"
Jun stops in his tracks and immediately feels his cheeks heat up. "Sorry," he mumbles, gingerly setting the chopsticks down. "Go ahead."
When he sits down in the chair beside the bed, it hits him, suddenly, now that this whole thing is over, how utterly drained he is.
When he watches Sho pick up the chopsticks and take his first bite of soba, he realizes how hungry he is.
"Hey, Sho-kun." Sho looks up at him, his cheeks all puffed out and the end of a noodle hanging out of his mouth. Jun doesn't even try to keep a straight face. "Will you be all right on your own for a little bit? I think I'll join Aiba-chan in the cafeteria."
Sho just nods, still working on chewing. But when Jun gets to the door, Sho swallows and calls out, "Jun?"
Jun turns back, his hand paused over the door handle.
For a moment, Sho looks unsure, like he's deliberating on what he's about to say. Then his expression clears, eyes lighting up in a smile. "If you want to grab some food and bring it up here so you can eat with me... I wouldn't mind."
Returning the smile feels to Jun like the easiest thing in the world.
"Sure," he says. "I'd like that."
Rating: R
Group/Pairing: Arashi/Sakumoto
Warnings: Non-explicit rough sex, brief hospital scene
Notes: Thank you to my betas for putting up with me, the mods for being wonderful, and littlealex for writing something I had so much fun picking apart. I hope you enjoy it!!
Link to Original Story: Don't Worry
Link to Origial Writer: littlealex
Over the years, Jun has come to know Aiba as someone who truly does believe in the goodness of people and the fairness of the universe. So when he needs reassurance, that's the person he goes to see.
When he first brought it up, Aiba suggested they meet over breakfast at some hole-in-the-wall restaurant he'd just discovered, and Jun had no reason to argue. When he gets there, Aiba is already eating tamagoyaki, shoveling each bite into his mouth just as he always does: with great enthusiasm. Aiba loves to eat, thinks it's the greatest thing in the world and that a good, lovingly prepared meal can solve just about any problem - considering the family he comes from, this is hardly a surprise - and when he's found something delicious, he wants to share it with everyone. This appears to be the case with his tamagoyaki; he offers Jun a bite, and Jun takes it without second thought, knowing that even if Aiba doesn't always pick the highest quality or the healthiest, he does pick the tastiest. This time is no different.
He orders his own food - Aiba recommends the okonomiyaki - and makes himself comfortable at the table as they chat, their conversation light and bordering on silly. When Jun's food arrives, Aiba's bubbly laughter has loosened him up enough that he feels confident diving right into the subject. "Hey, Aiba-chan," he says as he reaches for his chopsticks, "does Sho-san seem okay to you lately?"
Aiba hums in thought. "He does seem a little stressed out. That's normal though - he's been working hard for his drama. You know how he gets."
"True," Jun says. He takes a bite of his food, thinking as he chews. The okonomiyaki is rich and flavorful, and he takes a moment to savor it before he swallows and says, "This time seems a little worse than usual, though."
"Well, you have been seeing more of him than we have," Aiba agrees. He wags his eyebrows, and the side of his mouth curves into a smirk so suggestive that Jun can't help but blush a little. "But I'm sure he's fine," Aiba continues, waving off Jun's concern. "Sho-chan's an adult, right? He can take care of himself."
Jun nods, not wholly convinced but willing to concede for now. "You're probably right."
"Of course! I'm always right."
The conversation dissolves into a playful debate about the truth of that statement, and before long, Jun has forgotten his worry entirely.
~
Bruschetta topped with diced-tomato salad was laid out on large trays and carried around the room at the party where it first happened. Jun thought it tasted amazing and had what he would think back later as being way too much. Sho, however, seemed to have spent the entire time hovering near the open bar.
When he cornered Jun in the bathroom later that evening, his voice was steady but his breath reeked of alcohol and his movements were just a little off, just enough for Jun to notice because after ten years, Jun knew where to look: the overly cautious way Sho locked the door, the unnecessarily forceful way he pushed Jun against the wall, the clumsy way his fingers slipped on the zipper of Jun's slacks.
Jun has a bad habit about gift horses and looking where he shouldn't, but he was a little drunk that night too, and he'd been waiting too long to analyze the situation when he finally got what he wanted.
~
Katsudon was the lunch they were ignoring when they snuck into an empty side room while taking a break from Himitsu filming. "But Sho-kun," Jun tried, but then Sho shut him up with a kiss, and, well, that was good enough for him.
He'd thought the incident at the party would be a one-time thing, but then Sho kept coming to him, kept dragging him off to bathroom stalls and broom closets, kept looking to him for some kind of stress relief he apparently couldn't or didn't want to achieve on his own. Sho had just started filming Quiz Show, and Jun of all people knew how stressful that could be and how important it was to relax with mindless activities, so he was glad to help. And, honestly, it wasn't as if helping Sho unwind was a completely selfless act. Jun's boyhood crush had faded a long time ago, but there was still physical attraction there, plus he himself had just started filming for Smile and the stress relief was working both ways. So the way Jun saw it, there was no downside to this thing they had going.
Still - Sho's timing wasn't always the best. Minutes into their rendezvous, when Jun was kneeling and working Sho's jeans down his thighs, Sho's stomach grumbled, the noise loud and comical in the small space. Jun looked up at him and cocked an eyebrow, barely holding back his laughter. "Sure you're not hungry?"
Unfazed, Sho grabbed a fistful of Jun's hair and pulled hard to hold him in place, not close enough to touch but close enough to make his intent clear. "You're the one who's going to have a mouthful."
Even with Sho's fingers in his hair, Jun rolled his eyes. "Oh Sho-chan," he mock-gasped, "your awful jokes really put me in the mood."
"That's okay," Sho said, smiling dangerously as he pulled harder. "You don't need to be turned on for this to work."
As unsexy as the stomach-growling was, the domineering tone and the manhandling were definitely working for Jun. He licked his lips, all distractions forgotten, and stuck his tongue out to give Sho a preview of what he could be doing if he were allowed to move his head.
Sho got the hint, and Jun got to work.
~
Takeout Indian curry with a side of vegetable somosas and an ice-cold beer was the dinner Jun was treating himself to after a hard day of filming when Sho knocked on his door.
Even through the peephole, Jun could tell that Sho was shaken up. He'd just come from filming if his over-stylized hair was any indication, and he stood fidgeting in the hallway as he waited for Jun to answer. When Jun finally opened the door, Sho's gaze honed in on him and sharpened.
"Hey," Jun greeted him, "if you're hungry, I just got some curry -"
But before he could finish, Sho pushed him inside, slamming the door closed and staying in the genkan only long enough to slip out of his shoes before crowding Jun up against the wall. Jun started to ask what was going on, but Sho lifted his hand to cover Jun's mouth, shocking Jun into stillness. All he could do was blink, his noise of surprise muffled by Sho's palm.
"Either say no," Sho said, "or don't say anything. Understand?"
His voice was low, unwavering, and his eyes were sharp and unreadable. They'd never sought each other out like this before, only hooked up at parties or during breaks at work, but Sho was clearly frazzled and looking for some kind of relief. Somewhere in the back of Jun's mind, he knew this wasn't the best way to deal with whatever Sho was going through - but in that moment, all he could think about was Sho's fingers over his mouth, Sho's eyes locked onto his, Sho's knee pressing up between his thighs.
Jun nodded his consent, and Sho removed his hand to replace it with his mouth.
They stumbled their way through the apartment in a tangle of limbs, their discarded clothing trailing behind them. When they made it to the bedroom, Sho pushed Jun down onto the mattress, pinned his wrists against the pillows, and fucked him until he couldn't speak even if he'd wanted to. They never did get to the curry.
~
Tarako-filled onigiri was the hasty lunch Jun was scarfing down on the way from one studio to another when he decided to talk to Aiba about it.
It wasn't that he didn't like this new, rough side of Sho - in fact, he liked it very much - but he didn't like where it was coming from. Jun could see even if Sho wouldn't admit to it that Sho was stressed out, and rather than addressing his issues and dealing with them, he was just immersing himself in drinking and fucking. Jun liked both of those, but he also believed in balance and moderation. Sho clearly wanted nothing to do with either.
So Jun went to Aiba, and at first he managed to calm his nerves by repeating what Aiba told him: Sho-chan is an adult. He can take care of himself.
For a while, it worked. But the problem hasn't gone away, and Jun can only ignore something for so long before it starts to wear him down.
~
Jun tends to view problems as being more complicated than they really are, whereas Ohno tends to view them as being overly simple. When they meet in the middle, it's easier for Jun to see the world more clearly. He has always admired this aspect of Ohno's leadership. So when reassurance alone will no longer calm his nerves, when he needs someone to bounce ideas off of in order to sort the thoughts in his head, he goes to Leader.
He picks up a box of chocolate chip cookies on his way to meet Ohno, because he wants to show his appreciation and because he knows that when it comes to food, Ohno is easy to please. He likes eating just because, and he'll take anything offered to him and think ninety-nine percent of it is delicious. One time, before an episode of Shukudai-kun, Nino bet Jun that Ohno would say "umai" more times than he spoke for the camera; Jun lost a thousand yen that day.
As Jun settles onto the couch and begins telling Ohno about his problem, he watches Ohno open the package of cookies and eat one, then another. He seems wholly invested in chewing and tasting, but Jun knows he's listening. He gets all the way to the part about how Sho has practically moved into his apartment before Ohno finally looks up at him and asks, "But you don't mind, right?"
"No, of course not," Jun says. "I like most of what's going on," he continues, taking a cookie to be polite when Ohno offers the package. He takes a bite and has to admit that he made a good choice when he picked these up; the dough is soft and chewy, and the semi-sweet chocolate chips give it a pleasantly earthy taste. "I like sharing the apartment with him, and I like being around him more often, and I really like the sex. But every night it's the same thing. I cook dinner for both of us, he barely even touches it, downs a beer or two instead, and then he fucks me into the nearest flat surface until I scream."
"But you like it," Ohno interjects. He bites into his cookie, and when Jun nods, he asks, "So then what's the problem?" Little crumbs spill down his shirt, and he brushes them away absentmindedly, keeping his eyes on Jun.
"I'm just worried he's taking it too far."
"But you can't control him, right? It's Sho-chan. If he wants to do something, he'll do it."
Jun can't help but sulk. "I guess you're right."
Ohno hums and nods as if agreeing with himself, chewing silently and staring at some point behind Jun for a long moment. Finally he says, still gazing into the distance, "I know you want to take care of everyone, and that's why you're worried. But you need to take care of yourself, too."
Jun smiles weakly. "Thanks, Leader." He finishes off the rest of his cookie, still worried about Sho but comforted at least by Ohno's words and the cookie's sweet, unsophisticated taste. "I'll try."
~
Fresh soft-shell crab is on Jun's mind when he finally snaps.
He got the idea that morning when he was eating breakfast, looked up a recipe on his phone during lunch, bought the ingredients on his way home, and couldn't stop thinking about how perfect it was going to be when he finally got Sho to eat something.
But when he gets home, excited to prepare a spectacular dinner for them, he finds Sho doing push-ups in the living room.
He knows Sho's been working out as part of his efforts to slim down for this stupid role, but seeing it in action is something different. He hovers there in the doorway, the bag of groceries swaying awkwardly at his side, staring unnoticed for a full minute before he steps into the room and says, "What are you doing?"
Sho stops, his gaze snapping to Jun. He looks like he's been caught, but the expression disappears in an instant, replaced by cool nonchalance. He ignores the question, offering instead a simple "hey" before he starts up again. He's red-faced and sweating and out of breath, and in so many other circumstances, Jun would find it sexy as hell, but with all the shit Sho has been putting himself through lately...
Now, the image is unsettling more than anything. Jun tries to move past it, lifting up the grocery bag for Sho to see. "I bought some crab. I thought we could have a nice dinner tonight."
Sho doesn't even look up. "No thanks. Already ate."
Jun knows that's bullshit, but he tries to keep his tone gentle - tries to stay focused on his goal. "Are you sure? If you're still hungry..."
"I'm fine," Sho answers, curt and bordering on defensive.
Jun thinks he's been doing a pretty good job of keeping it together, but with that one sentence, he finally feels himself break. He stomps across the living room without another word, so pissed off that when he gets to the kitchen, he roots through the grocery bag to find the package of crab and hurls it into the trash bin. He leaves the rest of the groceries on the table, pours himself a deep glass of wine, and retreats to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
By the time he finishes his bath, he's made it halfway through the wine and has started to calm down. He feels bad about the food, so he goes back to the kitchen to salvage the crab from the trash; it's still chilly in its plastic wrapping, and as he puts it in the fridge with the rest of the groceries, he promises himself he'll cook it tomorrow.
Sho is waiting for him in the bedroom. He looks terse, a little awkward, as he sits on the bed, but he doesn't apologize. He just watches Jun get ready for bed, both of them silent, and when Jun slips under the blankets, Sho closes in, shifting along the covers to lie beside him, snaking an arm around his waist, leaning in for a kiss.
Jun turns away.
All he says is "Not tonight," but from the stunned look on Sho's face, he understands what it means: If you won't let me feed you, I won't let you fuck me.
When Sho gets up and leaves, Jun feels like he's done the right thing. He might not be able to make Sho take care of himself, but he can at least limit his own involvement in Sho's downward spiral.
But when he hears Sho turn on the TV in the living room and go back to his workout, something inside of him sinks.
~
Where Aiba is gentle, Nino is honest. Where Ohno is calm, Nino is realistic. He is clever, observant, and ruthless, and he can always be counted on to find the most efficient way through a problem. So when Jun is really desperate, when he's tried and tried and can't solve the puzzle he's working on, he goes to Nino.
The fastest way to Nino's good side is through his wallet, so Jun invites him to lunch and picks a moderately priced diner he knows Nino likes, a far cry from the outrageously expensive places Jun usually picks for himself. In eating, as in all areas of his life, Nino favors practicality over frivolity: he enjoys food that tastes good, sure, but he has a weak stomach and a short attention span, and in the end, he appreciates food mostly for its necessity. He eats to survive, not to savor.
Halfway into their meal, Nino pauses to set his burger down on his plate and says, "Let me make sure I've got this right." Jun nods, so he continues. "The guy you've had a crush on since you were a pimply pubescent brat has turned to you for comfort, now he's living with you, and the two of regularly engage in wild, fantastic sex... and you're complaining?"
Jun glares over his glass of beer. He swallows and says, "I'm not complaining, Ninomiya, I'm concerned."
Nino looks skeptical. "What's there to be concerned about? Sounds to me like you've got everything you want."
"Have you even seen him? He's skeletal! He's working himself ragged, I can't get him to eat anything -"
"It's Sho," Nino interrupts, saying it as if it explains everything. "Heaven forbid he admit defeat. He has a deep-rooted need to forge on and conquer the shit out of whatever's dragging him down. He's always been like that."
"I know," Jun sighs. He looks down at his mostly uneaten salad and pushes the vegetables around with his fork, building up the courage to finally mutter, "I just feel helpless, you know? Like I'm watching one of my best friends waste away and there's nothing I can do to fix it." He glances up to catch Nino's reaction, only to find Nino staring so hard that Jun thinks there might be something on his face. "What?"
"Do you even hear yourself?"
"What?" he repeats, starting to get pissed off.
"I don't think your problem is with Sho," Nino says. "I think it's with your own inability to control the situation."
This time Jun is the one who stares. "That's bullshit."
"Is it? What pisses you off more, that he's doing something stupid or that he won't listen to you when you tell him to stop?"
"So that's it? There's nothing wrong with Sho - I'm just a control freak?"
Nino shrugs, feigning innocence. "I didn't say it quite like that, but yeah. Look, I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear, but that's how I see it. You want to be in control, Sho doesn't like being told he can't do something, and if you keep pushing..." He doesn't finish, but he doesn't need to. Jun's heard enough.
He reaches for his beer and changes the subject.
~
Lemon and rosemary chicken over orzo and two freshly poured glasses of red wine are laid out across the table the next time Sho and Jun are alone together. The food is growing cold, but they're too busy using the table for another, decidedly less wholesome purpose to sit down and eat.
Sho has Jun bent over the table, wrists pinned at the small of his back, their hips pressed together. He leans down to nip at Jun's shoulder and reaches with his free hand to unbutton Jun's jeans, to work open the zipper. "What," he whispers, playful, "no fight in you tonight?"
Jun is feeling just as playful, and he puts up a bit of a struggle for show. He doesn't mean to actually get out of Sho's hold, nor does he expect to - Sho is stronger than he is, and he hasn't been able to do it before - but when he tries, it takes barely any effort for him to slip out of Sho's grasp. At first he thinks Sho let him go intentionally, but he feels Sho go still behind him and glances over his shoulder just in time to catch the surprised expression on Sho's face.
Sho meets his eyes, his face completely open and shocked. In the next instant he's looking away, recovering quickly as he snatches Jun's wrists and hikes them so far up Jun's back that Jun can't help but moan.
Sho fucks him right there, and when their frenzied movements knock over the glasses and send wine spilling over the table and soaking into the cloth, they just keep going.
~
A bento box filled with rice, cut vegetables, and steamed fish is handed to him by an AD as he's leaving the Smile set for a break. He finds a place to settle down and crack the bento open, but he doesn't tear into it the way he would any other day.
He loves food, thinks it's an easy and wonderfully mundane break from the rest of his life, and there are few things as satisfying as taking a bite of something delicious after he's made sure that everyone else's bowl is filled. But now, as he stares down into the box of food in his lap, the thought of eating makes him feel vaguely ill.
He feels like he's right back at square one but even worse now because he can't shake the uneasy tension settling low in his stomach. It follows him everywhere he goes: when he's with Sho, when he's at work, when he's alone. He didn't sleep much last night after the newest failed attempt at dinner, and now he feels bone-tired, so exhausted that he can barely think. He doesn't want to think anymore. And he doesn't want to eat, either. Just imagining himself picking up the chopsticks is almost too much to bear.
But he knows that he has to - knows that as much as he might dislike it at first, he'll feel better afterwards - knows that it's all he can do to make the awful feeling in the pit of his stomach go away.
He takes the chopsticks in hand and picks up the first piece.
~
Tricolor tortellini stuffed with spinach and ricotta is boiling in the pot when it comes to an end.
This is attempt number three at a nice sit-down dinner, but this time Jun has convinced Sho to help him prepare it, hoping that it might get Sho excited about eating it as well. He didn't ask Sho to do much, just put together a salad and get the pasta going, but so far Sho has been cooperative. Now Jun is working on the sauce, and after that's done, all that's left is to wait for the pasta to finish.
They make small talk as they work, chatting about their dramas and the latest batch of ridiculous picture texts from Leader. Jun thinks everything is going fine until they reach a lull in the conversation, and that's when Sho leans back against the counter, watching Jun work over the stove, and asks, "So have you been all right?"
Jun glances up from the sauce, caught off guard by the question. "What do you mean?"
"Lately you just seem... distant."
Before, Jun would have kept his thoughts to himself. But he's so fed up with all the bullshit, with being polite, that he says, "I'm just tired. It's exhausting, you know, trying to get you to eat."
Sho laughs, but the sound is brittle, humorless. "Why is this so important to you?"
It's a simple question, but when Jun hears it, something inside of him finally switches on. He feels disconnected from his own body, like he can't stop himself from shooting back, "Why isn't it important to you, you idiot? You're practically starving yourself."
Sho has the audacity to look like he has no idea what Jun's talking about. "Jun, I'm not -"
"Shut up," Jun snaps, and for the moment at least, Sho is startled into silence. Jun continues, feeling the anger pour out of him, completely beyond his control. "For weeks I've been watching you starve yourself and treat your body like shit. I know you've got a lot on your plate, I know it's hard, but you can't deal with it like this. All you do anymore is work and drink and exercise and take all of your frustration out on me - and, okay, I'll be honest, part of this is my fault because I enjoyed being around you, enjoyed trying to take care of you, enjoyed the sex. But when you can't even hold me down long enough to fuck me -"
He stops, letting himself breathe. He can feel himself starting to come down, deflating now that the anger has been let out after taking up so much room for so long. He already feels better.
Sho, on the other hand, looks furious.
For a long moment, they simply stare at each other. Jun feels light-headed with relief, but Sho is stone-faced, his jaw set like he's seconds away from grinding his teeth. He steps away from the counter, every muscle tense, and says quietly, "I think it's time for me to go."
"Sho-kun," Jun tries, but Sho is already walking away.
Jun follows him through the apartment, watches as he gathers the various and sundry items that have accumulated in the time Sho's been there: clothes, newspapers, scripts. Sho collects them all and shoves them into the backpack he'd left by the entryway, ignoring Jun the whole time. It isn't until he steps into the genkan that he regards Jun coolly, bowing low and saying, "Thank you for your hospitality, Matsumoto-san. I'm sorry to have been a burden."
"Sho, come on."
Sho closes the front door firmly behind him. Jun stands there in the genkan, feeling numb but lighter than he has in days.
When he returns to the kitchen, the sauce is a little burnt and the water is boiling over the edge of the pot, hissing on the stovetop where it pools. Jun turns the heat off, finishes preparing the tortellini, and serves himself. He cleans his plate, goes back for seconds, and even though it didn't turn out perfectly, he can't remember the last time something he made tasted so delicious.
~
Fruit-filled pastries in the VS Arashi meeting room are the breakfast over which Sho ignores him the next day.
Senbei with green tea is the between-takes snack over which Sho ignores him the day after that.
Catered Thai cuisine is the lunch over which Sho ignores him the day after that.
Aiba tells him not to worry, that Sho knows he was just trying to help and will forgive him eventually.
Ohno insists everything will work out in the end but doesn't clarify how.
Nino just says, "I told you so."
~
Garlic tzatziki with crispy pita chips is making its way around the party Jun attends the week after the incident with Sho. The food is delicious, but the wine is better; Jun is on his second glass and knee-deep in conversation about haute couture and the colors for this season, and he feels better than he has since the night Sho left. There's still concern lingering in the back of his mind, but it feels good to distract himself with alcohol and vapid conversation for a while.
That's when his cell phone rings.
He ignores it at first, reaching into his pocket and canceling the call without looking at it. But when it just starts buzzing again, he pulls it out to see who's calling.
Aiba.
Jun stares at his phone and debates for long enough that the call ends by itself. He's okay with that, knowing that if it's something important, Aiba will leave a voicemail or send him a text - and that's exactly what happens. The text arrives in his inbox within moments and reads, MATSUJUN CALL ME BACK!!!! IT'S ABOUT SHO-CHAN!!!
Jun isn't sure what he'd been expecting, but that certainly wasn't it. He tries to push it down, but the feeling of worry flares up again in the pit of his stomach. He excuses himself from the conversation and works his way through the crowd, to the door at the back of the room that leads to the terrace.
The night air is chilly against his thin jacket, and the ringtone sounds too loud in his ears. It only takes two rings before Aiba picks up.
"Matsujun?" He sounds breathless and worried. Jun's concern skyrockets.
"What's going on?"
"It's Sho-chan. He collapsed."
All the air in Jun's lungs comes rushing out at once, his chest tightening and his stomach coiling. For a moment he can't even speak, isn't even aware of what's going on around him. All he can think is a steady mantra of Sho, you idiot, you idiot, you idiot and that if something irreparable has happened, he'll never forgive himself.
"Aiba-chan, where are you?" he asks, already moving towards the door. "I'll be there as fast as I can."
~
Chilled soba, vegetable tempura, and steaming tea are laid out on the tray being carted into Sho's hospital room when Jun gets there. Sho's manager is standing outside the sliding door, talking at top speed into her cell phone. She sees him coming and pulls the phone away from her ear to press her hand against the mouthpiece. "Matsumoto-san," she greets him.
Jun can't think to be polite right now. "How is he? What happened?"
She waves off his concern easily. "He was at the Quiz Show wrap-up party when he collapsed. The doctors have run all sorts of tests and they say he's fine, just exhausted and malnourished. They're keeping him overnight so he can rest and finish the dose of vitamins they're pumping into him, and then tomorrow he'll be free to go."
At those words, Jun lets himself breathe. He thanks her with a bow, and she goes back to her cell phone. When the nurse steps back out, she recognizes him instantly and lets him into the room with a smile.
There are wires hooked up to Sho through a patch on his chest and a tiny monitor on his right index finger, there's an IV drip taped over the back of his hand, and he looks like shit warmed over. But he's awake and sitting up, and he smiles gently when Jun walks into the room.
Aiba leaps up from the chair beside Sho's bed, rushing forward to pull Jun into a tight hug. Jun hugs back out of instinct, but he can't take his attention off of Sho. Aiba pulls away and glances at Sho, then back at Jun, and then announces to the room, "I'm gonna check out the cafeteria."
When he leaves, the silence left behind is heavy, awkward. Jun hovers near the foot of the bed, unsure of what to do. He clasps his hands and opens his mouth - he's not even sure what he's going to say - but Sho beats him to it.
"I'm sorry," he says.
It's the last thing Jun was expecting to hear.
Sho's voice is hoarse, and it sounds odd to Jun. "For everything," he continues. "For worrying you. For being such an asshole."
"A huge asshole," Jun agrees, and is relieved when Sho laughs, the sound weak but genuine. "It happens," he says. He remembers Nino, and glances around uneasily before muttering, "I'm sorry, too, for being so pushy."
Sho is still smiling. "It happens, right?"
"So... we're cool, then?"
"Yeah. We're cool."
For the first time since he got the call from Aiba, Jun feels like he can finally relax. "That's good to hear." He clears his throat, glancing back at the tray of food the nurse left by the door. "Are you, uh... hungry?"
Sho smiles as if it's the funniest thing he's heard in days. Jun has missed that smile. "Sure."
The tray is set on a mobile table designed to hang over the side of the bed. Jun pulls it over and gets to work positioning the table, careful of the wires as he adjusts the height and arranges the food. Sho watches him the whole time, a quietly bemused expression on his face. When Jun pulls the chopsticks out of their paper slip and breaks them apart, Sho says, "Are you going to feed me, too?"
Jun stops in his tracks and immediately feels his cheeks heat up. "Sorry," he mumbles, gingerly setting the chopsticks down. "Go ahead."
When he sits down in the chair beside the bed, it hits him, suddenly, now that this whole thing is over, how utterly drained he is.
When he watches Sho pick up the chopsticks and take his first bite of soba, he realizes how hungry he is.
"Hey, Sho-kun." Sho looks up at him, his cheeks all puffed out and the end of a noodle hanging out of his mouth. Jun doesn't even try to keep a straight face. "Will you be all right on your own for a little bit? I think I'll join Aiba-chan in the cafeteria."
Sho just nods, still working on chewing. But when Jun gets to the door, Sho swallows and calls out, "Jun?"
Jun turns back, his hand paused over the door handle.
For a moment, Sho looks unsure, like he's deliberating on what he's about to say. Then his expression clears, eyes lighting up in a smile. "If you want to grab some food and bring it up here so you can eat with me... I wouldn't mind."
Returning the smile feels to Jun like the easiest thing in the world.
"Sure," he says. "I'd like that."