change everything you are and everything you were
it is difficult. why is it so difficult for us to know what we want? how do we know what we want is what we really want? how do we know when we like something and when we like the IDEA of something? is it possible to want two very different things? is it possible to want i don't know... let's say... fire and ice?
alright maybe this sounds lame... but i find myself in a constant battle of wanting happiness. the battle isn't in finding happiness. the battle is in the ways i find it.
i think i'm confusing myself. it is 2:15 in the morning. i have thoughts running through my mind, and i feel like i just can't focus. let me see if i can grasp the main concerns that are flooding my brain.
hypocrite. alright. i think that's what it is. i can't think of a euphemism to describe it in a different way. this has been a constant struggle for the longest time now. i am so weak. i cannot fully detach myself from this world... at least not yet. i say that i want to give my life to God. i say that i love Him so much. i say that i am seriously discerning. and i know there is no easy way to live out your vocation. i get that. so why do i use this time for things that make me temporarily happy? the way i'm living my life isn't reflecting that desire to love God to the fullest. the way i'm living my life is reflecting a sort of... living life to the fullest as taught by the world.
i know it's wrong. but let me tell you that i'm not who you think i am. i'm not holy. i'm not good. i'm not horrible either. i know what is right and what is wrong. the things i said in my previous entry are true. but the hard part about all of this is knowing that it isn't easy. life isn't easy. and i know i'm making it harder for myself.
this is what i think. i think that God knows i'm not ready to leave everything behind for Him. unfortunately, i've been using that as my excuse to do what i do. i LIKE hanging out and having a good time with friends. i LIKE going out. i LIKE dancing. i LIKE drinking in moderation... (getting drunk to the point where i throw up... i do not like.) i LIKE watching my tv shows. i LIKE watching movies. i LIKE boys. i LIKE listening to music. i rely on these things and more to keep me happy... to keep me satisfied. i know it's not enough. i know it's not fulfilling. but i don't have the graces i need to let God alone be enough just yet.
so let me clear the air for you... for me. i am a sinner. i'm not a saint. i struggle CONSTANTLY. so please, do not look at me and judge me. do not admire me. do not think highly of me. do not think i am the biggest hypocrite on the planet, either. do not pay attention to me. i don't want to scandalize you and prevent you from knowing God's love. i don't have all the answers. i'm not going to give up on my call to holiness. i know that just because i can't leave everything and devote myself to God completely doesn't mean i can't push myself to devote myself to loving Him more and more each day.
i need strength. i need grace. i need Jesus.
Jesus Complete Me - Ordinary people
I am walking down this road
I was sure I'd walked before
But something seemed so different
Something so unsure
And the questions have all been answered
But the longing still remains
'Cause sometimes I'm so empty
All I can do is cry Your name
Jesus complete me, complete me
Fill every void that I feel inside
Help me to see that You're all that I need
And You remember every tear that I've cried
Every single hurt that I've tried to hide
I give it You
Oh Lord, I give it to You
In and out of the sin I sow
On my own I claim defeat
And when I think I'm standing
I fall and end up on my knees
Tell me why I hold on to what binds me
When Your love meets my every need
Help me hear You in the quiet
With tender words, "Come unto Me."
Jesus complete me, complete me
Fill every void that I feel inside
Help me to see that You're all that I need
'Cause You remember every tear that I cried
Every single hurt that I tried to hide
I give it You
Oh Lord, I give it to You
All the chains that bind
I give it to You
All the sin I hide
I give it to You
I give it to You
I give it to You
Even the loneliness inside to You
Jesus complete me, complete me
Fill every void that I feel inside
Help me to see that You're all that I need
'Cause You remember every tear that I've cried
Every single hurt that I've tried to hide
I give it You
My Lord, I give it to You
.
alright maybe this sounds lame... but i find myself in a constant battle of wanting happiness. the battle isn't in finding happiness. the battle is in the ways i find it.
i think i'm confusing myself. it is 2:15 in the morning. i have thoughts running through my mind, and i feel like i just can't focus. let me see if i can grasp the main concerns that are flooding my brain.
hypocrite. alright. i think that's what it is. i can't think of a euphemism to describe it in a different way. this has been a constant struggle for the longest time now. i am so weak. i cannot fully detach myself from this world... at least not yet. i say that i want to give my life to God. i say that i love Him so much. i say that i am seriously discerning. and i know there is no easy way to live out your vocation. i get that. so why do i use this time for things that make me temporarily happy? the way i'm living my life isn't reflecting that desire to love God to the fullest. the way i'm living my life is reflecting a sort of... living life to the fullest as taught by the world.
i know it's wrong. but let me tell you that i'm not who you think i am. i'm not holy. i'm not good. i'm not horrible either. i know what is right and what is wrong. the things i said in my previous entry are true. but the hard part about all of this is knowing that it isn't easy. life isn't easy. and i know i'm making it harder for myself.
this is what i think. i think that God knows i'm not ready to leave everything behind for Him. unfortunately, i've been using that as my excuse to do what i do. i LIKE hanging out and having a good time with friends. i LIKE going out. i LIKE dancing. i LIKE drinking in moderation... (getting drunk to the point where i throw up... i do not like.) i LIKE watching my tv shows. i LIKE watching movies. i LIKE boys. i LIKE listening to music. i rely on these things and more to keep me happy... to keep me satisfied. i know it's not enough. i know it's not fulfilling. but i don't have the graces i need to let God alone be enough just yet.
so let me clear the air for you... for me. i am a sinner. i'm not a saint. i struggle CONSTANTLY. so please, do not look at me and judge me. do not admire me. do not think highly of me. do not think i am the biggest hypocrite on the planet, either. do not pay attention to me. i don't want to scandalize you and prevent you from knowing God's love. i don't have all the answers. i'm not going to give up on my call to holiness. i know that just because i can't leave everything and devote myself to God completely doesn't mean i can't push myself to devote myself to loving Him more and more each day.
i need strength. i need grace. i need Jesus.
Jesus Complete Me - Ordinary people
I am walking down this road
I was sure I'd walked before
But something seemed so different
Something so unsure
And the questions have all been answered
But the longing still remains
'Cause sometimes I'm so empty
All I can do is cry Your name
Jesus complete me, complete me
Fill every void that I feel inside
Help me to see that You're all that I need
And You remember every tear that I've cried
Every single hurt that I've tried to hide
I give it You
Oh Lord, I give it to You
In and out of the sin I sow
On my own I claim defeat
And when I think I'm standing
I fall and end up on my knees
Tell me why I hold on to what binds me
When Your love meets my every need
Help me hear You in the quiet
With tender words, "Come unto Me."
Jesus complete me, complete me
Fill every void that I feel inside
Help me to see that You're all that I need
'Cause You remember every tear that I cried
Every single hurt that I tried to hide
I give it You
Oh Lord, I give it to You
All the chains that bind
I give it to You
All the sin I hide
I give it to You
I give it to You
I give it to You
Even the loneliness inside to You
Jesus complete me, complete me
Fill every void that I feel inside
Help me to see that You're all that I need
'Cause You remember every tear that I've cried
Every single hurt that I've tried to hide
I give it You
My Lord, I give it to You
.