Welcome 2008
So, Holidays are almost over. For the first time in my life I'm eager to take it all down and put it away and be done with it. Does this mean I'm really an adult?
I got a message from my dad finally. It was wierd...first all I heard was the tv and talking in the background for about 30 seconds before he decided to speak into the phone and leave me a message, which said, "Jennifer. Calling to see if you're ok. Talk to you later." My mom prolly told him I had a tummy bug and he figured that if he couldn't get her to get me on the phone after a few days he better fulfill his obligations (markedly, obligation is not care, concern, or empathetic regard in the last bit for my dad) as a member of our extended family of martyrs and obligatorists and call to make sure I'm not dead.
I may sound bitter, resistant, difficult.
I just feel like I've cut out. I'm done and I have no more time to waste on it.......somehow I always get reeled back in though and into the drama I go. I end up giving and giving and getting nothing in return (emotional and materialistically). It's hard to resist when he comes wanting to make things better, but I just keep reminding myself that his toxicity is related to his superficial need to keep face in the eyes of the "army of 12" of the Krefts. My therapist (who is an awesome ex-K-College prof) and I were talking about all this and the topic of reactive attachment disorder came up. It makes so much sense for my dad. And it really helps me come to an understanding of his outrageous behavior....he is truly incapable of maintaining/participating in a non-romantic, authentic, genuine, intimate relationship with anyone. It's not just me.
It makes sense. Kids in a family of 12 will end up being psycholoically scarred in one way of another. I have an alcoholic aunt, an asexual aunt, an uncle with 4 PhDs and many broken gay relationships, and many other aunts and uncles who base their lives on impressing people....I__________.
So, although this all may sound kind of sad, it's not that bad to me. I feel a sense of closure and of loose ends being tied up.
I think I'll be ok.
So, I have a great husband. He is really working so hard to get sleep, do chores around here, and get to work. Even in a time of deep depression. He's even been trying to interact with his family members. I keep praying for him. I asked him what his new years rez was and he said, "To be more optiminstic." Gosh, you don't know just how magnificent that was to hear.
I love my hubby so much and when he's not a happy camper it's hard for me to be happy.
Happy New year everyone.
I got a message from my dad finally. It was wierd...first all I heard was the tv and talking in the background for about 30 seconds before he decided to speak into the phone and leave me a message, which said, "Jennifer. Calling to see if you're ok. Talk to you later." My mom prolly told him I had a tummy bug and he figured that if he couldn't get her to get me on the phone after a few days he better fulfill his obligations (markedly, obligation is not care, concern, or empathetic regard in the last bit for my dad) as a member of our extended family of martyrs and obligatorists and call to make sure I'm not dead.
I may sound bitter, resistant, difficult.
I just feel like I've cut out. I'm done and I have no more time to waste on it.......somehow I always get reeled back in though and into the drama I go. I end up giving and giving and getting nothing in return (emotional and materialistically). It's hard to resist when he comes wanting to make things better, but I just keep reminding myself that his toxicity is related to his superficial need to keep face in the eyes of the "army of 12" of the Krefts. My therapist (who is an awesome ex-K-College prof) and I were talking about all this and the topic of reactive attachment disorder came up. It makes so much sense for my dad. And it really helps me come to an understanding of his outrageous behavior....he is truly incapable of maintaining/participating in a non-romantic, authentic, genuine, intimate relationship with anyone. It's not just me.
It makes sense. Kids in a family of 12 will end up being psycholoically scarred in one way of another. I have an alcoholic aunt, an asexual aunt, an uncle with 4 PhDs and many broken gay relationships, and many other aunts and uncles who base their lives on impressing people....I__________.
So, although this all may sound kind of sad, it's not that bad to me. I feel a sense of closure and of loose ends being tied up.
I think I'll be ok.
So, I have a great husband. He is really working so hard to get sleep, do chores around here, and get to work. Even in a time of deep depression. He's even been trying to interact with his family members. I keep praying for him. I asked him what his new years rez was and he said, "To be more optiminstic." Gosh, you don't know just how magnificent that was to hear.
I love my hubby so much and when he's not a happy camper it's hard for me to be happy.
Happy New year everyone.