Therapy
Everyone who has ever claimed to love me has also been the people in my life who have hurt me the most.
I know love is making yourself vulnerable. It's supposed to make you open to acceptance, to trying out new things and new experiences, it's supposed to be your very soul at its most naked and afraid.
It also leaves you open to being destroyed by the people who you are trying to trust the most.
My parents said they loved me. They also hurt me in ways I am still discovering. The damage is still making itself known and every year I am discovering new hurts that I didn't know existed, all because the two people who were supposed to make sure I entered adulthood prepared and well rounded, simply didn't. Or couldn't. Either way, I was left to figure things out on my own many times, adopting other parental figures to fill in the holes from which their failure left open voids.
My husband has also hurt me deeply. The numerous moments of mistrust, the lies, the deceit, even if most of it happened early on in our budding relationship, I went into our marriage completely broken. He had to spend time over the next 2+ decades trying to piece me back together. The divorce didn't help, and the subsequent remarriage in some ways almost felt like I was the classic victim of the gambler's fallacy --- I had already lost so much, so by trying for round 2 maybe I could at least hold on to the person who took it from me.
I know that's not fair to him, because I know he loves me deeply.
But at this point in my life, I am afraid to be loved by anybody. I am afraid to love anybody. I am tired of feeling hurt and shattered by those who claim to feel the deepest and most complex of feelings for me.
Maybe that's why I've convinced myself that I am unloveable. That I am incapable of, or don't deserve to be, loved.
I'm just tired of the hurt that has always followed.
Either way, I think it's time I seek therapy for this, if only to make sure that I'm not following a path of self destruction by feeling this way.
Refuse, by Android Lust
I have been broken
Polluted
Destroyed
Ripped apart and crushed by a thousand lies
You may have wanted to see the changes
as my rage erupts and bleeds out of my eyes
The closer I come to end this frustration
My will disolves
I'm left to lick my wounds
Did you ever realize my strength that you devoured
Will rot your heart from inside out?
Rot your heart from inside out.
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