Happy Christmas Jeff!
Hey - Long time, no type.....I'm sorry about that - It's been BEYOND difficult getting to the website... All of the pictures and Memories just blow me away..... (((Hugs)))
It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling - but let's just say that I'm so overwhelmed with the fact that it is yet ANOTHER Christmas that is coming that you won't be around!!
A lot of Moms who have also lost their children have said that Time Heals.... but.... it really doesn't HEAL.... it just gets Different..... It it still just as unbelievably PAINFUL.....
So - what's new? How's Heaven? A lot better than down here I would imagine, huh?
So - check out what happened to me the other day - and YOU KNOW how hard it is for me to get out of the house at times.... this time of year it's so awful!!! All the Happy Christmas presents and songs and families getting their tree..... blah blah blah....
Poor Sammy hurt his knee a few weeks back - the Vet thinks he tore his tendon near his knee and needed meds and almost complete rest.... YEAH... like that's possible with him..... but he's been good.....
So I get to the Vet after a few stops along the way to BREATHE! Panic is NOT FUN.... but i figured, ah, what the heck, it's only the Vet - no presents, no music, no shoppers.... just pick up more meds and leave... But, NO!
In comes an Officer I used to work with. He had his Mom's dog with him. She was this cute little Cocker Spaniel with the big Floppy ears... so as I was saying my Hellos and How are yous with the Officer, i was squatting down giving loves to the dog.... her name ended up to be MOLLY!! Just like ours! Just ALOT smaller LOL
So he was telling me that she's been sick and needed to be put to sleep! I was like - oh my GOD, she looks fine! She was completely all over me with kisses and jumping up and tail wagging everywhere....and STUPID STUPID me says, OH NO, that's so awful, your Mom must be so sad - when are they going to do it...?
He answers, well, right now...! Yup - your mother completely lost it... right there in the Vet's lobby..... I got down on the floor with little Molly and was just talking to her (yeah - lost my mind, i know!).... saying stuff like "you'll get up to Heaven and see my Jeff and he will take care of you"... and I'm completely crying..... it was just so awful!
Then i hear in the background as they quietly talked about the ashes, etc and whether the Mom wanted them... or if she wanted the body to bury her..... Oh yeah - GREAT - I was Crying hysterically now.... i had no control over it - i just couldn't
stop!!
So, of course, the officer felt awful and the woman behind the desk did too..... so he hands the dog over to the lady and he he gives me a hug and walks out the door.... i just went over to little Molly and said that I was sorry and that I hope she had fun up there in Heaven..... and i couldn't stop crying....
One thing that helped a teeny tiny bit was that the woman behind the counter came around again and gave me a big hug.... cuz she GOT IT.... know why?? She lost her daughter in 2002.... so there we were just standing there crying...
So as I'm driving home, crying hysterically on the phone first to Stephen - poor guy could hardly understand me! and then to Auntie Leslie.... I get home and of course - I sit on the floor and all 3 dogs come running over and are jumping on me and kissing me..... so that helped - i'm telling ya - our dogs saved my life so many times!!!
So after a little time.... i chill out - down a tranquilizer and then i started thinking.... HEY THANKS God.... that was fun...NOT!
So pretty much the rest of the day i was a complete mess - well, more of a mess! ugh...
It's not like every single part of the day is spent crying and being beyond sad... but everything is just "tinged" with you being gone.... no matter what...
It's just Stephen and I and the dogs and kitty for Xmas - no presents between us cuz - well, it's just not in us this year... next year,? Who knows, but.... So we'll have turkey and taters and Apple Pie and we'll watch football.... and we'll get through... cuz.... well.... we don't have much choice, u know?
Christmas... soooooo many good and happy and fantastic memories of you.... and I'm glad I have them and wouldn't change them for the World.... but..... come on..... no more with you EVER AGAIN?! Can't even grasp that concept yet....
Now that Dad Finch is up there with you - take good care of him, please, ok? It really gutted Stephen when he died - because YOU gave the finches to him 7 years ago!!... and Dad was the only one to survive until now....
Please watch over my VaVor, ok? Almost 102 and now she can't speak?! Poor sweetie - Please make sure she's in no pain AT ALL, OK??
....I miss you sweetie..... this life is awful without you... no matter how much time has passed.... You're my BABY!!
I love you...and miss you.... and I really hate life without you...... :(
Love Hugs and Many Kisses.... xoxoxoxo MomMoms..