(no subject)
Hiya Sweetie,
Well, it’s officially our favorite time of year!!! I still like it... but now it’s just all messed up like everything else is... as I’m sure you know!!
I’m trying... I make sure I get outside at least once, but it’s more like 4 or 5 times... on the ATV, picking up trash, walking the driveway - playing with the dogs and watching the birds in the aviary... I try to take in all of the beautiful images around me, u know?.... to try to take over the horrific images that are with me every day.... Sometimes it works, sometimes not... but... I’m TRYING!!
I keep trying little stupid drives to the grocery store.... and sometimes I make it, and sometimes I don’t - but I’m trying....i keep telling everyone else that I’ve spoken with about losing a child that time means nothing - it just keeps on ticking whether or not you want it to..... people forget - their lives go on.... and you’re stuck with your thoughts and yourself.....just do the best that you can.... and throw away the guilt....
I’ve found that to be hard.... guilt, of course, because I thought I was doing the right thing by you with regard to Tim... I always found it easier to placate him because then he wouldn’t take it out on you....maybe I should have thought different..... maybe it was worse than I knew it was..... maybe you were so “messed up” inside from that.... who knows... I’ll never get the answers... and I’ve kinda stopped asking.... well most of the time... lol
So close to losing this house...... I just don’t know how I could survive through that, u know??? Here, where you died.... and where you lived and all the stuff you touched... and the good memories..... and the awful ones.... it’s something I can’t get my head around.... I We’re trying....Stephen and I - we’re doing the BEST that we can.... but... hey - who’s to say that we’re any good at it, u know??? Lolol
You know what’s going on down here... with Stephen and I... and you see how Matt & Alex are doing in college.... and you see your Hilly already a 10th grader!!....and you see your Grandma and your Auntie Leslie....and your friends....Our VaVor..... stick with her..... she’s going to be 102 and she’s still sharp as a tack, but her body is failing..... NO PAIN, got it..... you pull any strings you have up there - NO PAIN for her....you know that!!! Lol
Well, my eyes are hurting... wow - it’s not from crying at the moment.... but I’m brewing up a lovely headache, so I’ll step away from the computer for a while - go outside and breathe in some fresh air.... and then take 4 Excedrin and a tranquilizer and make it go away!!! Grrrrrrrr
I just wanted to “say” hi my Sweetie..... Thanks for helping me through the awful days.... I know I couldn’t get through them without you holding me up.....
And you make sure that my Stephen sticks around for a very long time - cuz I ain’t doing this alone.... and I need him, ok??? And he needs YOU too...hold him up for a while...ok?? Deal???
Can you please make sure that all of the people who I love and who are there for me unconditionally and take me for who I am...get some extra prayers, ok?...... not too much to ask, right?
What can i say - i miss you....more today than I did yesterday....but not as much as I will tomorrow...... Time can be a strange thing....
(((HUGS)))) and so much LOVE.....
MomMoms....