(no subject)
I don't sleep anymore, but I don't believe it's the only reason for my fatigue.
I crawl into bed at the appropriate times and I then proceed to toss and turn for hours on end. Then after that when I do manage to sleep I have nightmares or dreams that won't allow me to fall back asleep once I've woken up. Today is a Friday, if this were in the past I would be sleeping right now. My ability to sleep half the day away is gone. It's very ironic because when I'm semi-content with life I know I should sleep less and seize the day, but I just don't because it feels good. When I feel horrible like I do now, I can't sleep despite my great desire to sleep half of my days away. So many things in life are twisted and ironic like that.
Another simple pleasure that is gone is eating. I don't have an appetite any longer. Where as I used to eat too much and I was actually becoming paranoid that I was getting fat, now I eat way too little and I am alarmed at the rate at which I am losing weight. Even if I did have an appetite, food just wouldn't be as satisfying anyways. The times I do eat, nothing tastes good to me... or at least nothing tastes as it used to. I just so tired and bitter right now I've ruined even the simplest of pleasures for myself.
It's not just eating and sleeping either. Everything I used to take pleasure in is gone for me right now. I have no desire and take no pleasure in movies, games and sometimes even music. To be honest I'm not sure I enjoy anything I do at any given time during the day, but at the same time I can't stand doing nothing either. I am dissatisfied by everything, and it's just ridiculous. It sometimes makes me angry with myself for being like that.
When I am awake, there are a lot of things that I am tired of - that cause my fatigue. A big one is only being able to live as if today was the only day that mattered. I want a sense of purpose back to what I am doing, not just having a daily struggle to put myself through the motions. I'm a person with the next 2 - 2 1/2 years of his life already laid out in front of him, but my sense of purpose can only extend one or two days ahead of me. Nothing about being, or what I am doing right now makes me happy or satisfied. I've tried hard to change my attitude about where my life is, but I just can't. I know that makes me an ungreatful shithead since I am privileged to be where I am at, but I just can't ignore it.
I am also tired of trying to get over a girl, I'm tired of having to make a conscious efforts to change my mind set... and to change my behaviors. I'm tired of having feelings that I just wish I could make disappear, but at the same time I'm afraid to lose those feelings. I desperately want to move, but a small part of me is terrified of not having some of those feelings any longer. I'm sick of replaying old memories through my mind even though I don't want to and I'm tired of thinking about her and wondering what she is doing... I'm tired of thinking painful thoughts that hurt me in regards to her.
I have to say, if falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world... having your heart broken is one of the worst feelings. It really makes me wonder sometimes if all of this is really worth opening myself up to people. When you let someone in you're inviting them to hurt you, despite them having all the good intentions in the world. I've had things in my past that have really fucked me up (you have no idea), and it makes trusting people hard for me. When I finally do trust someone, it really devastates me when I get hurt by them... even if they don't mean to hurt me, and even if they are completely considerate and gentle about it.
The more I think about it, that's the reason my last relationship was so fucked up for first couple months. It took me a while to really open myself up and let myself/her become close. I act like a dick, and I act cold/distant... but it's just a defense mechanism I think. When it comes down to it, I think I'm afraid to be close to someone... and it takes me a while before I can actually accomplish that. However, when I do open up to someone... well I fall harder for them than I would believe, or at least in one case I did.
I can't stand all the confusion either. I am constantly changing my mind about what I should do, how I should feel and what anything means to me. The smallest thing can bind me up in indecision when before it used to be a mindless action. "Should I take a shower? Will it make me feel worse? Would I be able handle feeling worse?" In a way, sometimes I am terrified by every little decision. I feel like a snow flake right now, anything that touches me has the potential to shatter me.
Maybe the counselors and psychologists are right. Perhaps I am as "at risk " as they believe me to be... maybe I am crazy to some extent. I think the length and content of these journal posts are perhaps proof of that. Maybe I'm not crazy, maybe I'm just a fucking baby. I don't know at this point, I can't tell anymore. My perception about everything and anything is shot to hell. Nothing seems real anymore, it's funny how that can happen in about a months - two months time.
The future doesn't hold too much promise for me right now. The farthest I can look into the future right now is up to the MSU battle of the bands. That's pretty much the only thing I am looking forward to, nothing else really matters to me. My counselor told me that by the time battle of the bands comes around I will be feeling worlds better already, but I find that hard to believe. The event itself will be a nice distraction from all my petty problems, but I doubt after it is over I will be in that much of a better place. This depression, it's a deep one... and I really don't see it ending for quite a while.
Perhaps the reason they believe I will be better soon is because they plan for me to be on medication. I don't know how I feel about that, it seems like a form of submission to all of this. It seems almost like as weak of a way out as suicide is. Perhaps I should just give in and take the weak way out... at least medication is more acceptable by societies standard's then killing yourself. I'm weak, so it should make sense for me to go on medication. Somehow that doesn't convince me, and it still feels so wrong.
I hope I'm wrong. I am hope I can look back on these posts and realize how wrong I really was about everything, maybe even smile about how idiotic I was bieng. I don't know if that will happen though, and I am too impatiant for time to tell. Fuck I hate the mornings, that's why all these posts are usually during morning time.
I crawl into bed at the appropriate times and I then proceed to toss and turn for hours on end. Then after that when I do manage to sleep I have nightmares or dreams that won't allow me to fall back asleep once I've woken up. Today is a Friday, if this were in the past I would be sleeping right now. My ability to sleep half the day away is gone. It's very ironic because when I'm semi-content with life I know I should sleep less and seize the day, but I just don't because it feels good. When I feel horrible like I do now, I can't sleep despite my great desire to sleep half of my days away. So many things in life are twisted and ironic like that.
Another simple pleasure that is gone is eating. I don't have an appetite any longer. Where as I used to eat too much and I was actually becoming paranoid that I was getting fat, now I eat way too little and I am alarmed at the rate at which I am losing weight. Even if I did have an appetite, food just wouldn't be as satisfying anyways. The times I do eat, nothing tastes good to me... or at least nothing tastes as it used to. I just so tired and bitter right now I've ruined even the simplest of pleasures for myself.
It's not just eating and sleeping either. Everything I used to take pleasure in is gone for me right now. I have no desire and take no pleasure in movies, games and sometimes even music. To be honest I'm not sure I enjoy anything I do at any given time during the day, but at the same time I can't stand doing nothing either. I am dissatisfied by everything, and it's just ridiculous. It sometimes makes me angry with myself for being like that.
When I am awake, there are a lot of things that I am tired of - that cause my fatigue. A big one is only being able to live as if today was the only day that mattered. I want a sense of purpose back to what I am doing, not just having a daily struggle to put myself through the motions. I'm a person with the next 2 - 2 1/2 years of his life already laid out in front of him, but my sense of purpose can only extend one or two days ahead of me. Nothing about being, or what I am doing right now makes me happy or satisfied. I've tried hard to change my attitude about where my life is, but I just can't. I know that makes me an ungreatful shithead since I am privileged to be where I am at, but I just can't ignore it.
I am also tired of trying to get over a girl, I'm tired of having to make a conscious efforts to change my mind set... and to change my behaviors. I'm tired of having feelings that I just wish I could make disappear, but at the same time I'm afraid to lose those feelings. I desperately want to move, but a small part of me is terrified of not having some of those feelings any longer. I'm sick of replaying old memories through my mind even though I don't want to and I'm tired of thinking about her and wondering what she is doing... I'm tired of thinking painful thoughts that hurt me in regards to her.
I have to say, if falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world... having your heart broken is one of the worst feelings. It really makes me wonder sometimes if all of this is really worth opening myself up to people. When you let someone in you're inviting them to hurt you, despite them having all the good intentions in the world. I've had things in my past that have really fucked me up (you have no idea), and it makes trusting people hard for me. When I finally do trust someone, it really devastates me when I get hurt by them... even if they don't mean to hurt me, and even if they are completely considerate and gentle about it.
The more I think about it, that's the reason my last relationship was so fucked up for first couple months. It took me a while to really open myself up and let myself/her become close. I act like a dick, and I act cold/distant... but it's just a defense mechanism I think. When it comes down to it, I think I'm afraid to be close to someone... and it takes me a while before I can actually accomplish that. However, when I do open up to someone... well I fall harder for them than I would believe, or at least in one case I did.
I can't stand all the confusion either. I am constantly changing my mind about what I should do, how I should feel and what anything means to me. The smallest thing can bind me up in indecision when before it used to be a mindless action. "Should I take a shower? Will it make me feel worse? Would I be able handle feeling worse?" In a way, sometimes I am terrified by every little decision. I feel like a snow flake right now, anything that touches me has the potential to shatter me.
Maybe the counselors and psychologists are right. Perhaps I am as "at risk " as they believe me to be... maybe I am crazy to some extent. I think the length and content of these journal posts are perhaps proof of that. Maybe I'm not crazy, maybe I'm just a fucking baby. I don't know at this point, I can't tell anymore. My perception about everything and anything is shot to hell. Nothing seems real anymore, it's funny how that can happen in about a months - two months time.
The future doesn't hold too much promise for me right now. The farthest I can look into the future right now is up to the MSU battle of the bands. That's pretty much the only thing I am looking forward to, nothing else really matters to me. My counselor told me that by the time battle of the bands comes around I will be feeling worlds better already, but I find that hard to believe. The event itself will be a nice distraction from all my petty problems, but I doubt after it is over I will be in that much of a better place. This depression, it's a deep one... and I really don't see it ending for quite a while.
Perhaps the reason they believe I will be better soon is because they plan for me to be on medication. I don't know how I feel about that, it seems like a form of submission to all of this. It seems almost like as weak of a way out as suicide is. Perhaps I should just give in and take the weak way out... at least medication is more acceptable by societies standard's then killing yourself. I'm weak, so it should make sense for me to go on medication. Somehow that doesn't convince me, and it still feels so wrong.
I hope I'm wrong. I am hope I can look back on these posts and realize how wrong I really was about everything, maybe even smile about how idiotic I was bieng. I don't know if that will happen though, and I am too impatiant for time to tell. Fuck I hate the mornings, that's why all these posts are usually during morning time.