I can't do this anymore
I still don't know if I should make my last entry public or not. I feel restricted and constrained by not... but at the same time it feels a little bit healthier to actually keep it private. I don't know, that's the problem I've been having lately - I can't make a decision about most things. I'm so conflicted it hurts me deep down inside.
I went to be early last night because I had no reason to stay up... I wasn't doing anything cool, and Kaitlin wasn't going to come online. So instead I went to bed and had nightmares about what she was doing tonight. I think maybe I've made the wrong decision regarding her. She's doing well and has seemed to move past any hurt, while I am constantly getting hurt by everything that happens. She is almost like a drug to me. I'm so used to talking to her every night and when I don't, I go through withdrawel.
The worst part is I don't think she understands how bad it is for me because it's not nearly that bad for her. I understand why she would want to keep talking to me (I'm assuming she still wants me as a friend) but I don't think she understands that it's just not that easy for me. I don't want to stop talking to her either, but it's killing me to go through this process over and over.
Perhaps that voice in my head that said I have to cut off contact for a while to move on, was right. The drug analogy is really the best way for me to describe this situation... when I talk to her it's like taking the drug. I feel good for a little while, and then I come down pretty hard after that. Once I have come down I feel shitty and the only thing I desire is to take the drug again (talking to her). When I don't get what I need regularly it just hurts more than I would have imagined is possible.
I don't know what to do, I just know I can't continue to do this for too much longer. This confusion, this hurt is slowly killing me inside. I mean right now is one of the particularly bad times because I've woken up from a bad dream. I think a lot of the time I am ok to make it through things, one day at a time. But right now I seriously doubt if I can make it all. I scare myself because during these really low periods, suicide starts to seem like a viable option.
This is why this entry can't be public. Any time anyone talks about suicide in a semi-serious way everyone freaks out. Well I need to talk about it somewhere other than inside my head, because the thought is there. Right now I'm not sure if suicide is a viable answer or not... it would certainly be the easiest/selfish way out of this. Initially when I began considering it scared me a little, but it doesn't anymore. I mostly just want to get through this dark period in my life, and that would be the quickest way.
On a side note, the dream wouldn't have been a bad one if we were still together. The problem is that we're not together, so each time I have dreams like that it's torture. It's like if we had a photo album of times we were together... and if someone forced me to look through that album. It's like dangling what I used to have, and what I still deserately want right in front of me... and when I'm asleep it's real for a short while. However, when I wake up it's all gone again and that is devistating each and everytime. When I have dreams about us together I wake up feeling like the relationship ended all over again.
I went to be early last night because I had no reason to stay up... I wasn't doing anything cool, and Kaitlin wasn't going to come online. So instead I went to bed and had nightmares about what she was doing tonight. I think maybe I've made the wrong decision regarding her. She's doing well and has seemed to move past any hurt, while I am constantly getting hurt by everything that happens. She is almost like a drug to me. I'm so used to talking to her every night and when I don't, I go through withdrawel.
The worst part is I don't think she understands how bad it is for me because it's not nearly that bad for her. I understand why she would want to keep talking to me (I'm assuming she still wants me as a friend) but I don't think she understands that it's just not that easy for me. I don't want to stop talking to her either, but it's killing me to go through this process over and over.
Perhaps that voice in my head that said I have to cut off contact for a while to move on, was right. The drug analogy is really the best way for me to describe this situation... when I talk to her it's like taking the drug. I feel good for a little while, and then I come down pretty hard after that. Once I have come down I feel shitty and the only thing I desire is to take the drug again (talking to her). When I don't get what I need regularly it just hurts more than I would have imagined is possible.
I don't know what to do, I just know I can't continue to do this for too much longer. This confusion, this hurt is slowly killing me inside. I mean right now is one of the particularly bad times because I've woken up from a bad dream. I think a lot of the time I am ok to make it through things, one day at a time. But right now I seriously doubt if I can make it all. I scare myself because during these really low periods, suicide starts to seem like a viable option.
This is why this entry can't be public. Any time anyone talks about suicide in a semi-serious way everyone freaks out. Well I need to talk about it somewhere other than inside my head, because the thought is there. Right now I'm not sure if suicide is a viable answer or not... it would certainly be the easiest/selfish way out of this. Initially when I began considering it scared me a little, but it doesn't anymore. I mostly just want to get through this dark period in my life, and that would be the quickest way.
On a side note, the dream wouldn't have been a bad one if we were still together. The problem is that we're not together, so each time I have dreams like that it's torture. It's like if we had a photo album of times we were together... and if someone forced me to look through that album. It's like dangling what I used to have, and what I still deserately want right in front of me... and when I'm asleep it's real for a short while. However, when I wake up it's all gone again and that is devistating each and everytime. When I have dreams about us together I wake up feeling like the relationship ended all over again.