I dunno
It's a Friday night, I am sitting in my dorm room bored and depressed, which is typical for me.
I've been working on homework and listening to music in attempt to distract myself from the crushing sadness and loneliness gripping me. I need to take a break from homework because it is hard to do homework on a Friday night... but at the same time I can't just sit here, it is way too hurtful to let myself just sit and think. Brandon is here in the room, but he is just playing video games... and I don't really feel like speaking about normal mundane things that I don't care about anymore. Essentially I feel like I'm sitting here alone and I need something to occupy my mind, thus why I am writing this.
I think In this and the past entry I have gotten more comfortable just writing to myself, rather than pretending that I have some sort of audience. I am writing for myself and only myself at this point, it actually makes me kind of wish this was a paper journal... but oh well. The fact that no one (except one person) reads this kind of makes me sad. I have been contemplating my situation a lot in life this past week and I have realized that I have really alienated most people around myself and systematically isolated myself from the world. Essentially I have made my bed in life, now I have to sleep in it.
I feel so alone here at school, it's unbelievable. I can speak with my brother sometimes, when he's not being super judgemental of me. I can speak to Kaitlin sometimes when we actually get time to talk, but to a certain extent I don't want to make the little amount we get to talk super gloomy. Talking to her cheers me up enough so that I can actually hold up a regular conversation, so I would rather not ruin that opportunity to speak with her.
I can speak with Nate because I realize every time we talk just how similar we actually are... but I hate to burden him by talking so much. I can't really talk to the rest of my family and I can't talk to Brandon, although I love them, they just don't understand what I speak about. I have been trying to get a referral from my school to see a therapist for counseling, and I finally got my referral today. I hope that talking to someone on a regular basis will be helpful to stem the pain coming from this extreme feeling of loneliness... and who knows, maybe they can give me some helpful advice as well.
Everyday this week I have been taking the time to go sit in a Japanese rock garden to find solitude, think, cry, meditate or do whatever else it is that I need to do. During these times it's become more and more evident to me that I don't know who I am or what I am doing with my life anymore. I have fooled myself into believing that I had a plan, and that the plan I had would make me feel whole/content. It hasn't.
I don't know why I am here anymore and I no longer know what direction my life should be headed. How can something that is making me miserable be the key to my eventual happiness for the rest of my life? I can no longer blindly accept that this is the right path for me, and I have instead realized that this is the only path that I know of. I had either fooled myself into believing that the only path was the right one, or I was just flat out mistaken about it.
Maybe all the people I have pittied in the past for missing out on a college education are really the ones who have it right, maybe they are really the ones with their shit together... and maybe I should be the one who is pittied; a reversal of roles. Perhaps I have been wrong about the big things in life and I would be happier living a quiet life of mediocrity. Either way, there's no way for me to tell and no way for me to change things.
It's not just my situation of where I am that I have begun to to doubt either, it's come to a point where I have really begun to doubt who I am as a person. I have desperately been trying to evaluate everything about myself in an attempt to know if I am genuine in my beleifs and general chracter traits. I mean, I kind of get the sense that I still am the same person I have always been... but it's just so scary to even feel a little bit of uncertainty about this kind of stuff.
Uncertainty for me is one of the worse feelings, it's toxic. I have been so confused and sick because of the uncertainty I feel. There are very few things I can rely on at this point, and one of them are my emotions. More than ever I have been following my heart rather than my mind, and I think because of that I am going through a real discovery process about everything. I really hope going through this uncertainty and releasing my emotions rather than bottling them up will help to understand myself better... and make me a better person as well (though I don't believe that I am a good person to begin with).
On top of all of this confusion, the whole situation with Kaitlin adds another dynamic to how I am feeling. I just don't know what to think about this whole situation, nor do I know what is going through her head right now. We broke up, and she has serious doubts about how she feels about me... but somehow it doesn't feel like it is completely final, and it doesn't seem like the door has completely shut on the situation.
I go through phases where I feel that maybe in the future she'll decide that she does care about me and we will get back together... and then I have phases where I just completely shut down that idea as impossible. I don't know how to feel about this: hopeful or hopeless. The only thing I do know is that my emotions aren't misleading me. I still love her more than ever, and I can't let go until the door has absolutely shut forever... I could never forgive myself if I did that. I may regret holding a torch for her like this because it will more than likely end up deeply dissapointing and hurting me, but I know that if I don't keep trying with her that I will regret it even more.
Normally it would be my nature to just give up and completely move on, but there are very few things in my life that I have felt this passionately about and I can't just give up. Besides, as much as it can confuse me to talk to her given the situation, it still makes me happy to speak to her. I just look back on things now, and I get really regretful... because I should have treated her better than I did when we were together. I'm a shitty person, so of course I treat the thing I love like shit...
I just wish what I was doing in regards to this situation is the right thing. I also really wish I could just understand all of this better, and see things from a neutral perspective... but I can't so I guess the only thing I can do is continue to over analyze everything and do whatever my gut tells me to do. I just have to keep in mind the saying "whatever is meant to be, will be" and leave it at that I guess. I've been trying to relax and give the situation time to unfold but it's a challenge sometimes.
No matter what happens, Kaitlin will remain one of my very favorite people.. I have never met anyone quite like her before. I may get hurt really bad in this situation but regardless of what happens I do want her as my friend. Right now it's just really hard because I have never felt such strong feelings for anyone before. In the end though, I do really just want her to be happy... even if it means she cannot be with me. She's a good person who deserves better than she believes. I just hope she can sort out her confusion about her life and find satisfaction.
I am scared to think about the eventual outcome, which is most likely going to end with me being hurt. I know it's going to be a collosal pain that I have never felt before, and one that I am not sure how to deal with. I am attempting to prepare myself for it already and to begin moving on, but it's a hard thing to make myself do. It makes my heart beat fast just to think about it.
Everyone keeps telling me that I have so much going for me and that I should be happy with my life. I realize this myself, but there's no real way for me to explain to people why it's just not enough... because I can't really explain it myself. My parents also keep telling me that college is the best part of my life and that it will never be this good again, and that just makes me more depressed. If this is supposed to be the best times of my life, then what the fuck do I have to live for in the future? This isn't that great of a time.
I just wish I could be satisfied like everyone else. Although this is a particularly low point in my life, I always have been depressed to a certain extent... even during the best periods of my life. I don't like being this way and I feel broken because of it. I have always avoided taking medication for my depression and anxiety, but perhaps now would be the time to break down and take them. As much as those kinds of drugs scare me (because they change you) I am just tired of always being this way. I don't know what to do anymore.
There are lots of people on this campus, but I feel that there is very little life here. Sometimes I wish I could lead a hallow existance like the rest of them, I wish I could be ok with lying to myself like that.
But yeah. I think I am done with this post. I killed a couple hours and I think I'm ready to go do some more homework, or at least something else that will occupy my mind. I am actually really glad this journal is here for me to write in, I feel a little better now.
I've been working on homework and listening to music in attempt to distract myself from the crushing sadness and loneliness gripping me. I need to take a break from homework because it is hard to do homework on a Friday night... but at the same time I can't just sit here, it is way too hurtful to let myself just sit and think. Brandon is here in the room, but he is just playing video games... and I don't really feel like speaking about normal mundane things that I don't care about anymore. Essentially I feel like I'm sitting here alone and I need something to occupy my mind, thus why I am writing this.
I think In this and the past entry I have gotten more comfortable just writing to myself, rather than pretending that I have some sort of audience. I am writing for myself and only myself at this point, it actually makes me kind of wish this was a paper journal... but oh well. The fact that no one (except one person) reads this kind of makes me sad. I have been contemplating my situation a lot in life this past week and I have realized that I have really alienated most people around myself and systematically isolated myself from the world. Essentially I have made my bed in life, now I have to sleep in it.
I feel so alone here at school, it's unbelievable. I can speak with my brother sometimes, when he's not being super judgemental of me. I can speak to Kaitlin sometimes when we actually get time to talk, but to a certain extent I don't want to make the little amount we get to talk super gloomy. Talking to her cheers me up enough so that I can actually hold up a regular conversation, so I would rather not ruin that opportunity to speak with her.
I can speak with Nate because I realize every time we talk just how similar we actually are... but I hate to burden him by talking so much. I can't really talk to the rest of my family and I can't talk to Brandon, although I love them, they just don't understand what I speak about. I have been trying to get a referral from my school to see a therapist for counseling, and I finally got my referral today. I hope that talking to someone on a regular basis will be helpful to stem the pain coming from this extreme feeling of loneliness... and who knows, maybe they can give me some helpful advice as well.
Everyday this week I have been taking the time to go sit in a Japanese rock garden to find solitude, think, cry, meditate or do whatever else it is that I need to do. During these times it's become more and more evident to me that I don't know who I am or what I am doing with my life anymore. I have fooled myself into believing that I had a plan, and that the plan I had would make me feel whole/content. It hasn't.
I don't know why I am here anymore and I no longer know what direction my life should be headed. How can something that is making me miserable be the key to my eventual happiness for the rest of my life? I can no longer blindly accept that this is the right path for me, and I have instead realized that this is the only path that I know of. I had either fooled myself into believing that the only path was the right one, or I was just flat out mistaken about it.
Maybe all the people I have pittied in the past for missing out on a college education are really the ones who have it right, maybe they are really the ones with their shit together... and maybe I should be the one who is pittied; a reversal of roles. Perhaps I have been wrong about the big things in life and I would be happier living a quiet life of mediocrity. Either way, there's no way for me to tell and no way for me to change things.
It's not just my situation of where I am that I have begun to to doubt either, it's come to a point where I have really begun to doubt who I am as a person. I have desperately been trying to evaluate everything about myself in an attempt to know if I am genuine in my beleifs and general chracter traits. I mean, I kind of get the sense that I still am the same person I have always been... but it's just so scary to even feel a little bit of uncertainty about this kind of stuff.
Uncertainty for me is one of the worse feelings, it's toxic. I have been so confused and sick because of the uncertainty I feel. There are very few things I can rely on at this point, and one of them are my emotions. More than ever I have been following my heart rather than my mind, and I think because of that I am going through a real discovery process about everything. I really hope going through this uncertainty and releasing my emotions rather than bottling them up will help to understand myself better... and make me a better person as well (though I don't believe that I am a good person to begin with).
On top of all of this confusion, the whole situation with Kaitlin adds another dynamic to how I am feeling. I just don't know what to think about this whole situation, nor do I know what is going through her head right now. We broke up, and she has serious doubts about how she feels about me... but somehow it doesn't feel like it is completely final, and it doesn't seem like the door has completely shut on the situation.
I go through phases where I feel that maybe in the future she'll decide that she does care about me and we will get back together... and then I have phases where I just completely shut down that idea as impossible. I don't know how to feel about this: hopeful or hopeless. The only thing I do know is that my emotions aren't misleading me. I still love her more than ever, and I can't let go until the door has absolutely shut forever... I could never forgive myself if I did that. I may regret holding a torch for her like this because it will more than likely end up deeply dissapointing and hurting me, but I know that if I don't keep trying with her that I will regret it even more.
Normally it would be my nature to just give up and completely move on, but there are very few things in my life that I have felt this passionately about and I can't just give up. Besides, as much as it can confuse me to talk to her given the situation, it still makes me happy to speak to her. I just look back on things now, and I get really regretful... because I should have treated her better than I did when we were together. I'm a shitty person, so of course I treat the thing I love like shit...
I just wish what I was doing in regards to this situation is the right thing. I also really wish I could just understand all of this better, and see things from a neutral perspective... but I can't so I guess the only thing I can do is continue to over analyze everything and do whatever my gut tells me to do. I just have to keep in mind the saying "whatever is meant to be, will be" and leave it at that I guess. I've been trying to relax and give the situation time to unfold but it's a challenge sometimes.
No matter what happens, Kaitlin will remain one of my very favorite people.. I have never met anyone quite like her before. I may get hurt really bad in this situation but regardless of what happens I do want her as my friend. Right now it's just really hard because I have never felt such strong feelings for anyone before. In the end though, I do really just want her to be happy... even if it means she cannot be with me. She's a good person who deserves better than she believes. I just hope she can sort out her confusion about her life and find satisfaction.
I am scared to think about the eventual outcome, which is most likely going to end with me being hurt. I know it's going to be a collosal pain that I have never felt before, and one that I am not sure how to deal with. I am attempting to prepare myself for it already and to begin moving on, but it's a hard thing to make myself do. It makes my heart beat fast just to think about it.
Everyone keeps telling me that I have so much going for me and that I should be happy with my life. I realize this myself, but there's no real way for me to explain to people why it's just not enough... because I can't really explain it myself. My parents also keep telling me that college is the best part of my life and that it will never be this good again, and that just makes me more depressed. If this is supposed to be the best times of my life, then what the fuck do I have to live for in the future? This isn't that great of a time.
I just wish I could be satisfied like everyone else. Although this is a particularly low point in my life, I always have been depressed to a certain extent... even during the best periods of my life. I don't like being this way and I feel broken because of it. I have always avoided taking medication for my depression and anxiety, but perhaps now would be the time to break down and take them. As much as those kinds of drugs scare me (because they change you) I am just tired of always being this way. I don't know what to do anymore.
There are lots of people on this campus, but I feel that there is very little life here. Sometimes I wish I could lead a hallow existance like the rest of them, I wish I could be ok with lying to myself like that.
But yeah. I think I am done with this post. I killed a couple hours and I think I'm ready to go do some more homework, or at least something else that will occupy my mind. I am actually really glad this journal is here for me to write in, I feel a little better now.