(no subject)
i guess i am weak. i told him not to call, expecting him to figure he did enough damage already, and to just comply. but no, he says he WANTS to call. why? why would he want to call? is it because of my e-mail? did it make him feel bad? did it make him want to break me down again? i prepared all day, happy songs, happy thought, out of the house by noon and happy talks. its around 5... its too late, maybe he wont call. he did. he did call. i didnt let him in though. i didnt let him hear me cry. i let him think that i was fine, and that im doing great, so that way, maybe he wont call back. "i dont want you out of my life". such crap. we never talked when we were together, and now, as a friend hes going to see and call me everyday? wow, something must be wrong here, because i thought the distance was his deciding factor. i smell a lie. i dont think i talked to much, but i dont think he was listening, it was just a call to make him be able to sleep at night, to trick me into telling him how fine i was with the whole thing. i let him think i was okay. and im not okay, im not okay at all. i wanted to tell him what i told him online, i wanted to say "i have enough friends, thank you", but then, i sat and thought about it for a while, and i realized i dont. i dont know why before we hung up i asked him if we were okay as friends, i dont think i care. he asked if he could call me back, but i didnt see the real point in putting up the same old "you couldnt do that then but you can do it now, huh?" argument. so i let him hang up first, and i made sure the phone was off, and i let it all out on the wall, and i let it out on myself, and i just cried, for once. and im not saying im better now, and we can live happily ever after as bestest friends. and im not saying im okay, and i expect a call back, because im not, and i dont. i dont really know WHAT im saying. i just hope i didnt come off as weak. i hope i came off as a good person. i acted just the way the girl in the movies would, as always. i took it, again i took more of his shit, because hes a guy, and im not, and thats how it works. we agree with whatever they want, and we wait until theyre gone to show we have feelings and we have minds, and we are hurt beyond belief.