(no subject)
today has been odd. woke up this morning and went swimming before the sun came up, which was nice, but i was really tired. then hung out with, well, if i told you about it, chances are you know. either way. i guess i kinda got let down. i really expected to talk a little bit more about it. we were both rather indirect. im not sure if i want to see him again. as much as it ment to me that we stay friends through and through, im really starting to see what people mean by forgetting the past. i dont think i let things show as much as i should. i mean, i was really hurt. i still am, as im typing this out, really hurt. seeing him and not being able to hug him or anything just hurt me more. its like, a real slap in the face, like it really rubbed it in that, whatever was there, which im starting to think was really nothing to begin with, is not there anymore. we hung out at one park. just sat and talked, nothing big. actually it was mainly just awkward silences. then his friend dropped by, which was cool, because she seemed real sweet. i dont think i came off as the coolest person in the world though, because, yeah, do i ever? either way. i felt bad not meeting her back at my house, but i just started feeling really tired. fingers and toes going numb and all, it wasnt pleasant. sat in the grass for a bit then she left. we walked across the road to the smaller park because i wanted to sit for a few more minuets before heading back to my place. sat around there, just talking, and laying there looking at the sky. i let out a bit more than i planned too. i guess im just scared, i didnt want him to think he was the full reason im upset. theres other things in my life. yes, he was a main part. he was a main part for along time, and he hurt real bad. but its over now. maybe its not. maybe in my head im still not over it, and i still care. and i still lit a candle and closed the shades a bit and waited at the window for him. maybe im still the little girly girl who just really wants someone, anything to hold onto. i didnt want to have to hold onto him. i didnt want to cry in his arms today, that was not my plan. i didnt want to tell him anything. i wanted to talk out what happened so i could feel content, show him how over it i am, show him how strong i am, and tell him to never come back. but i didnt. i cried in his arms, and i let myself go and tell him one more thing to make me look weak, and told him one more thing thats on my mind. never anything he has the right to hearing, but it always slips out. and there i was lying there just like always, crying in his arms and letting him tell me its okay. i dont think i ever wanted to die more than at that moment. as soon as the door was closed it hit me how, just stupid i mustve looked. how.. dumb, and weak, and just ... everything he expected. i showed him the reason he left. i say im fine, and im emotionally free and whatever. im not going to get to talk this one out. i can tell him everything else, and cry to him about everything else, but the second the conversation turns into how im doing with all of it, its a simple im fine. either way, went out tonight, was supposed to spend the night at ariels but ended up being dragged back here because a ton of random people showed up. it was still good though. it got me away from it all. the people i thought id talk to the most i think i said a max of two words to. most of my time was spent on ariels roof, with adam and john and some kid that aparently knew me real well, but i didnt really clue in on who he was. there wasnt a ton of drama from what i saw. dancing loons in the living room, a moron who couldnt mix drinks. at one point adam was lost for a good 30 minuets which isnt unusual being that its happened before. just when everyone gives up looking and im standing in the hall talking to john the window busts in and its him standing on the roof, crazy kid. didnt plan on going that early, i was in the middle of something at that point in time so i was a little ticked off. either way, not much could happen with a certain someone pushing his drunk ass onto me the whole time, which gets annoying when trying to hit it up with someone else. oh well, theres always next week. goodnight all, thats my amazing update for my day. long and boring, sorry for the ramble. no comments needed, im just bored.