Hrmph...
What age would most describe a mid-life crisis? I'm starting to believe that's what my whole life has rotated around. I read old entries and wonder how I survived it. I'm not sure if I'm over dramatic or a drama queen or what. The only real problem in my life is well...me. I have this interesting dilemma where I don't want to do anything. Period. It's a rather trying time when all I want to do is sit around, or lay around, or just do nothing at all. Rachel has a few quirks that agitate me, but so does everyone. I'm just difficult to please.
I got my MTS book (Manager training manual...1.5 years late mind you) today, so at least I have something to work on. I'm so tired, yet I don't want to sleep. I already feel like I'm sleeping my life away, yet I rarely sleep.
I'm having a big issue where I seem like I can't do anything that I want, such as go out and do my own thing, do a little extra work to get some money, anything. Rachel tends to think all I want to do is be on my computer, well...I would LIKE to do nothing but sit on my computer, but I would really like a lot more than that. I'm afraid to leave the house, just because she wants something of me every 5-10 minutes. I don't have the time to do what I want to do, and until here recently, I haven't even taken the time to do the things that I NEED to do. Some people say that I'm whipped, I try to not come off that way, because in all actuality, I try to please an impossible to please person, but I piss her off pretty good by doing my own thing as well. So I'm not whipped, I'm just...trying to be good for her. I've fucked up enough in my life to mess this one up as well.
I've been thinking a lot about my pasts, about regrets, what's right in my past, what's wrong. I'd hand it to a few people that got it right, I'm definitely a fuck up. Just through reading my posts over the years, and thinking back to what I was and what I've become, it's something alright. I'm glad that I've trashed my life so much though. Even though in a sense, I haven't stopped screwing myself over, and probably won't for quite some time, my thoughts are becoming more and more rational.
I look back into my life, and I realize that everyone hates me. Most with reason, some just drifted. The stupid selfish side of myself overrides all when I think of this, and the questions persists: Am I the only one who isn't fragile as glass? Am I the only one who feels that life is too short to hold lifelong grudges and hate those you've loved the most forever, and instead of facing the problem, run from them completely? I went and visited Jon for the first time in over a year, and talked with him about the things that caused us to part ways. He assured me that it was forgiven and that he would talk to me again, still not a word since I left his house. It's really rather depressing.
Tisha and Daniel don't talk to me anymore, with reason, but it still bugs me. I still love both of them, spite what happened. Just another entity out of my life, and only myself to blame. Tasha still tries to talk to me, and even though I try to not avoid her, it feels that way simply because I don't want to upset Rachel anymore than I have to. Brandon and I still talk on seldom occasion, but the same story. I feel like I'm not the friend that I used to be, but how do you think Rachel would feel if I'm still talking to a female friend for 2 hours at a time, even if it is in a platonic way? The only friends I have now are my immediate family, co-workers, and Rachel's friends...which honestly I don't really count any of those, considering other than the family part, really care about me as a person as opposed to either what I can do for them or how lenient I can be towards their fuck ups. All of them are so distant now. Brandi, Amanda, Mandy, Jess, Christina, Jeff, Paul, Jack, Ryan, David, Ashleigh...I don't talk to any of them hardly at all anymore.
As proud of myself as I might be, I'm still haunted.
I got my MTS book (Manager training manual...1.5 years late mind you) today, so at least I have something to work on. I'm so tired, yet I don't want to sleep. I already feel like I'm sleeping my life away, yet I rarely sleep.
I'm having a big issue where I seem like I can't do anything that I want, such as go out and do my own thing, do a little extra work to get some money, anything. Rachel tends to think all I want to do is be on my computer, well...I would LIKE to do nothing but sit on my computer, but I would really like a lot more than that. I'm afraid to leave the house, just because she wants something of me every 5-10 minutes. I don't have the time to do what I want to do, and until here recently, I haven't even taken the time to do the things that I NEED to do. Some people say that I'm whipped, I try to not come off that way, because in all actuality, I try to please an impossible to please person, but I piss her off pretty good by doing my own thing as well. So I'm not whipped, I'm just...trying to be good for her. I've fucked up enough in my life to mess this one up as well.
I've been thinking a lot about my pasts, about regrets, what's right in my past, what's wrong. I'd hand it to a few people that got it right, I'm definitely a fuck up. Just through reading my posts over the years, and thinking back to what I was and what I've become, it's something alright. I'm glad that I've trashed my life so much though. Even though in a sense, I haven't stopped screwing myself over, and probably won't for quite some time, my thoughts are becoming more and more rational.
I look back into my life, and I realize that everyone hates me. Most with reason, some just drifted. The stupid selfish side of myself overrides all when I think of this, and the questions persists: Am I the only one who isn't fragile as glass? Am I the only one who feels that life is too short to hold lifelong grudges and hate those you've loved the most forever, and instead of facing the problem, run from them completely? I went and visited Jon for the first time in over a year, and talked with him about the things that caused us to part ways. He assured me that it was forgiven and that he would talk to me again, still not a word since I left his house. It's really rather depressing.
Tisha and Daniel don't talk to me anymore, with reason, but it still bugs me. I still love both of them, spite what happened. Just another entity out of my life, and only myself to blame. Tasha still tries to talk to me, and even though I try to not avoid her, it feels that way simply because I don't want to upset Rachel anymore than I have to. Brandon and I still talk on seldom occasion, but the same story. I feel like I'm not the friend that I used to be, but how do you think Rachel would feel if I'm still talking to a female friend for 2 hours at a time, even if it is in a platonic way? The only friends I have now are my immediate family, co-workers, and Rachel's friends...which honestly I don't really count any of those, considering other than the family part, really care about me as a person as opposed to either what I can do for them or how lenient I can be towards their fuck ups. All of them are so distant now. Brandi, Amanda, Mandy, Jess, Christina, Jeff, Paul, Jack, Ryan, David, Ashleigh...I don't talk to any of them hardly at all anymore.
As proud of myself as I might be, I'm still haunted.