Not so folly jolly...
Holy sweet Jesus, I have not updated in a LONG time. I want to say I was more optimistic when I wrote that last post, however, lately, I have been quite the curmudgeon. Indeed, I finished my group project, did my hours, did my research, and was a general rock star. I also went through another harrowing semester with a horrible woman that I'm complaining against because I think she's a bigot. I finished more hours, taught some undergrads, did more papers, and was generally bored, maintaining an A-A- average all the way through.
However, this year has been hell. With the loss of my job and what comes with that, we've been struggling financially. I have been on unemployment, but I need to reapply since it'll end in January. I've been going to interviews, but I'm in this precarious position of being more than halfway done my masters, so am concerned about hooking a full-time job and jeopardizing getting out on time, especially since Fidget is supposed to matriculate next fall. I'm eight classes away now, but still in this holding pattern of being unsure of what to do. We need to eat, but I also need that license if we're ever going to get ahead.
In November, Kayrin's mother passed away. We had been struggling since July, between moving out of the house in Shamokin and trying to monitor her health in Lansdowne. I was thankfully in Philly the day she went to the ER, so was able to support Kayrin in that venture. Mary K passed two days later and I spent a week in Philly. I came home with a lot of her things, and also a cat. Now, we have our three-legged furbaby, Sadie, whom is the sweetest thing. It was an adjustment, since I logically knew Mary K was gone, but then would remember why there was a walker in my living room and a friendly cat on my lap. I am not only having difficulty with that grief, but also seeing my own parents' mortality on the line.
My parents continue to not be well. We got word that Momma will be having full back surgery in February, two eight-hour days. The doctors told my father it was life-threatening. We joke on the phone about my "in-laws" and how her grandcat is doing, but my mother is terrified. I'm unsure if I'm feeling any of that.
I'm really unsure if I'm feeling anything lately. I've been really, really angry, which I can attribute to the stressors of the past six months. My health is worse off; I've regained the weight that I had lost, and logically, I understand that, too, since we couldn't afford sneakers or a treadmill or a gym pass. But I'm still disappointed. And angry. And somewhat depressed.
I'd probably give myself an Adjustment Disorder if I need to diagnose myself.
Neither Fidget nor myself felt particularly holly jolly, and I hollered at him, his sister, his father, and his stepmother all Christmas Eve. Between the stress of buying Christmas presents in a holiday I don't celebrate (I don't hate Christmas; I just never really celebrate it. Too much consumerism) to knowing my parents are failing and that in two weeks I may not be able to eat or afford Onyx. The last time I remember being this stressed was in 2006, but I wasn't really talking to my parents then, I had no significant other (or significant other's family), and was working 90 hours a week in order to make Trips' back rent and pay off credit card bills. I sometimes feel as though I'm stuck between wanting to be miserable and just feeling it to being more chipper for Fidget.
This state of stagnant is maddening. I want to decorate our house, but we don't have the money yet. And especially with our tax returns, I have no idea how much we'll get or be able to keep. I am hoping to be done by next summer, so to be in this holding pattern without viable options is uneasy. There are times where I feel like my skin's not connected or that my thoughts are spiraling so much that I'll fall.
I've become that angry little person when I used to think of myself as a general let-it-roll kind of individual. There's only so much stress a person can take, I guess.
Today, I'll continue to housefrau. I'll clean up the kitchen and make an awesome dinner for Fidget. I'll watch some TV with Sadie and pet her a lot. I can only hope the new year will bring some decisions or something I can sink my teeth into...
... at least for the clarity of mind.
However, this year has been hell. With the loss of my job and what comes with that, we've been struggling financially. I have been on unemployment, but I need to reapply since it'll end in January. I've been going to interviews, but I'm in this precarious position of being more than halfway done my masters, so am concerned about hooking a full-time job and jeopardizing getting out on time, especially since Fidget is supposed to matriculate next fall. I'm eight classes away now, but still in this holding pattern of being unsure of what to do. We need to eat, but I also need that license if we're ever going to get ahead.
In November, Kayrin's mother passed away. We had been struggling since July, between moving out of the house in Shamokin and trying to monitor her health in Lansdowne. I was thankfully in Philly the day she went to the ER, so was able to support Kayrin in that venture. Mary K passed two days later and I spent a week in Philly. I came home with a lot of her things, and also a cat. Now, we have our three-legged furbaby, Sadie, whom is the sweetest thing. It was an adjustment, since I logically knew Mary K was gone, but then would remember why there was a walker in my living room and a friendly cat on my lap. I am not only having difficulty with that grief, but also seeing my own parents' mortality on the line.
My parents continue to not be well. We got word that Momma will be having full back surgery in February, two eight-hour days. The doctors told my father it was life-threatening. We joke on the phone about my "in-laws" and how her grandcat is doing, but my mother is terrified. I'm unsure if I'm feeling any of that.
I'm really unsure if I'm feeling anything lately. I've been really, really angry, which I can attribute to the stressors of the past six months. My health is worse off; I've regained the weight that I had lost, and logically, I understand that, too, since we couldn't afford sneakers or a treadmill or a gym pass. But I'm still disappointed. And angry. And somewhat depressed.
I'd probably give myself an Adjustment Disorder if I need to diagnose myself.
Neither Fidget nor myself felt particularly holly jolly, and I hollered at him, his sister, his father, and his stepmother all Christmas Eve. Between the stress of buying Christmas presents in a holiday I don't celebrate (I don't hate Christmas; I just never really celebrate it. Too much consumerism) to knowing my parents are failing and that in two weeks I may not be able to eat or afford Onyx. The last time I remember being this stressed was in 2006, but I wasn't really talking to my parents then, I had no significant other (or significant other's family), and was working 90 hours a week in order to make Trips' back rent and pay off credit card bills. I sometimes feel as though I'm stuck between wanting to be miserable and just feeling it to being more chipper for Fidget.
This state of stagnant is maddening. I want to decorate our house, but we don't have the money yet. And especially with our tax returns, I have no idea how much we'll get or be able to keep. I am hoping to be done by next summer, so to be in this holding pattern without viable options is uneasy. There are times where I feel like my skin's not connected or that my thoughts are spiraling so much that I'll fall.
I've become that angry little person when I used to think of myself as a general let-it-roll kind of individual. There's only so much stress a person can take, I guess.
Today, I'll continue to housefrau. I'll clean up the kitchen and make an awesome dinner for Fidget. I'll watch some TV with Sadie and pet her a lot. I can only hope the new year will bring some decisions or something I can sink my teeth into...
... at least for the clarity of mind.