2009 in review, and 2010 Resolutions (still in January, so still counts!)...
As is typical Jessie fashion, I have been procrastinating in the worst way. I try to do my year in reviews by the end of January, and am coming just under the line. Sometimes, it amazes me I graduated college with my massive ability to procrastinate. Regardless, I decided this weekend, or half of it anyway, would be spent on doing this update. A lot of interesting things have happened in 2010 already, and I feel wrong updating about that without doing this. *opens old and new Pooh planners* So, here is 2009 in review!
The first thing I noticed about 2009 was the fact that I stopped writing. This entry is going to be comprised of a lot of memory and searching through my cell phone (which I got a new one in 2009, yay upgrade!). I stopped writing in the planner until I bought a new one in August of 2009, which is ironically the same thing I did when I went through my break-up with Beb. The planner from the latter half of 2006 is VERY bare where I didn't want to write anymore. (When I told Smurf of this, I actually documented her response in the planner. March 4, 2009 - "Isn't the planner like the Bible? It's the final word to those who believe!! Well, I have faith in the pooh planner! :)")
I think part of my not-writing was that 2009 was a very, very stressful year. I moved to Maryland alone, got a job where I knew nobody. I was born in Essex, which is east of Baltimore. As a east side girl, I chose to live west of Baltimore to an area I had never even visited, save for seeing the exits on my way to Franny's. I fell in love with Six-Foot-Three, moved with only a chair, my bed, and two tables, and tried to make it work.
I started work as a Crisis Intake Worker, which I had supposed was a crisis hot line. I thrived on the idea of being out of direct care, since my previous two years of working in direct care psychiatric treatment could make one go batty. I settled into my cubicle, saw the same people everyday, and now after a year, I can only recognize maybe two clients that just happened to come up to the Starship.
The job dominated my life; I wasn't happy for the first few months, between being chastised by Sgt. Slaughter and told that I shouldn't do what I had been trained to do. I began putting out resumes, but realized that the Starship had me by the golden handcuffs; they paid me too well for the job I was doing. This job was a daylight trick with good money, weekends off, and paid holidays. It seemed to have everything my brain would need after working a minimal of 56 hours a week, swing trick, for two years straight. I tried to focus on relearning the Baltimore system of health care when I was given no training, no insight, and quickly chastised over any small incident. My paranoia from the House paid off, but otherwise, I was flying blind. Mental health comes naturally to me; clients will be clients, regardless of what state you're in. But the problems began when I had no resources to give them; I can deescalate in my sleep, but where the local ER was? Not a clue.
My supervisor changed several times throughout the year, where I had been under Sgt. Slaughter, then put under a woman whom I don't have a pseudonym for but continues to plague my existence. She told me I was a call center rep and didn't need further knowledge in behavioral health since I had no licensure. She then tossed me under another woman who quit a month later; she would be my supervisor for the rest of the year. Because of what Toolman did at the beginning of the year, it screwed up my contract, and I would have to borrow against the company in order to go on vacation. The Starship continued to be a clusterfuck of a place to work for, and has never quite gotten better. A lot of people were fired in 2009, and I started wondering about my own job security, no matter how well I did my job.
I began to collect the stories of working in a call center, where I becomes friends with Dern, Hellure, and Homegirl. I tried to bring my friendship outside of work with Homegirl, but after she blew me off for what seemed like the seventh time, I quickly gave up the ghost. Instead, I looked to becoming closer with Mimosa, and continue to share a strong friendship to this day. Her willingness to take my newly-moved person to various areas was greatly appreciated; she bought me a milkshake the fourth day I knew her, and then took me to Waldorf the first weekend to watch Angel. There was some hope in developing a friendship with her, which I continued to do so throughout the year.
I spent a lot of time traveling in 2009, my free weekends quickly booked up. I like to rationalize and say I spent a lot of time in the Valley because I was unwilling to finally let that place go, the place that I had called "home" for almost eight years. It was comforting to be able to go back every/other weekend and see my friends, know where things were, and use it as an escape from my steadily deceasing mental state. I also visited a lot of different places, from driving to Connecticut multiple times to staying in Philly. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in awhile, had some very deep conversations, and realized that though I had left physically, I could still call them whenever I needed. It was definitely a comfort.
I saw more movies in 2009 than I think I have since I started watching the damned things. The planners are full of ticket stubs, actually going to a theatre, sitting in the dark, and either talking throughout the entire thing or screaming my bloody head off and scratching friends' arms. We had various fandoms, where we gallivanted to Baltimore to watch Serenity or when I gallivanted to Philly then the Valley for New Moon. And through all of this, I really started looking at myself and my circle of friends as having started our next stage in life, a la Sex and the City. I also realized that at this point in my life, I'm at the age where friendships have already been formed. I didn't need to see my friends every week to make sure they were still my friends; a phone call every month would suffice. This would play in my brain later that year.
Because of all the traveling, Kermit was officially on his last hop. He broke down in June, leaving me stranded in the Valley. I had kept a storage unit in Allentown for years, every since Beb and I had moved into our room back in June of 2006. After I moved in with Trips and Numfar, I kept the storage unit because I didn't have a lot of space. The storage unit was my last physical tie to the Valley, and I worked about once a month on clearing out items and bringing them to Catonsville. The week Kermit broke down, which was the weekend that not only were Shink and I taking care of Butt Nugget and now were down to one car, but was also my BIRTHDAY, I spent a large amount finally finishing clearing it out. I employed the help of Bluejay, and we closed the doors. Ironically, since Kermit was le dead and I needed a vehicle, I drove Shink's car for two days then hauled both of us up to Shamokin to borrow Mary K's van, the infamous Fin. I traveled in the Astro Van of Fail/Win for a little under two months, until I could get that van back up and get my car back down. Because of Kermit's dying, I drove eight vehicles in 2009. And as much as I'm thankful that Uncle Mike let me, I really really hate his 4Runner.
It would be the end of 2009 where Kermit would finally go to that retirement home in the South, and I would buy Onyx, a shiny black HHR with personality and a bangin' sound system. And trying to adjust to an automatic transmission when I had been driving stick for almost nine years.
Physically, my body acted very, very weird for the first part of 2009. While I had hives and almost passed out at the end of 2008, my shotty intestines continued to rock my free world. I was becoming more nauseous whenever I was in Allentown, spending less time with friends and more time in their bathrooms. It wasn't the food I had been eating, as my friends weren't getting nauseous. Due to my new work schedule, however, I jump started my system again. Throughout my time in the Valley, I survived off of food from the House and Wawa. Now that I had been living in Baltimore, I ate better, actually cooking every night, bringing food into work, eating fruits and vegetables. I even ate breakfast, which is something I don't think I had done on a consistent basis since I was in high school. After going back and thinking over my eating habits, we finally realized I needed to have yogurt in the morning in the Valley or I was going to eat Shink's face. I stayed away from fast food predominantly in Maryland, whereas I went back to solely eating it when I was North. I tried to implement different things, buying food for the apartment and cooking some nights, but it wasn't enough.
I was also in more physical pain through 2009. My knees really started to bother me, which I blamed on moving without finding my correct knee braces. Though I had less steps to do in general, I think the driving was taking its effects on my joints. I actually started crying one weekend in the Valley because my shoulder hurt so unbelievably bad. I realized I needed to start taking care of my health better, and that my weight could be a deciding factor in a knee replacement now only four years off. When I had been told at the age of 19 that I would need a knee replacement by the time I was 30, I had scoffed because it was eleven years away. I was beginning to look my own mortality in the face, and wasn't liking the options I was seeing.
During this time while my body was rejecting me, my psych brain took over, and I realized it was also stress-related. As much as I craved the Valley, it was what had been upsetting me. After I made peace with that and watched what I ate, my body decidedly calmed the hell down and I could visit folks again without threat of puking on them.
Though I was in Maryland, I could still offer my friend a place to come when she had to put down her beloved pet. Or when another friend lost a close friend of his, I could still offer support from a state away. I was informed when my friend's father took a catapult down the stairs, later visiting him in the hospital, and promptly counseling his wife.
I was approached by a coworker who asked if I was any relation to my estranged half-brother. It brought up more strange thoughts, and I spent a lot of time talking with my father. Nothing ever came of it in 2009, though I'm still expecting to be in Essex at Pizza John's or visiting my cousin, and have him walk through the door. I would promptly faint; he looks so much like Da-ee.
Death was around me a lot in 2009, with my aunt's two brothers dying, my friend's cat, and the aunt of that same friend, whom I used to counsel, passing away. My great-uncle also died, which makes my Aunt Wanda the last of 10 Hurt kids to be alive. I learned that one of my and Caterpillar's clients had passed away, and it can still bring a tear to my eyes; I still see her sitting around the dining room table, telling me how I "don't fuck around with the rules" and trying not to laugh, but saying her language was inappropriate.
I had moments of typical Jess throughout 2009, though the one that sticks out the most in my head was during end of April/early May. Bluejay had come down to visit, and her job while being in Maryland is to find Mexican and sushi places, since we're adventurous and like to eat that cuisine. While I had been working, she found a Mexican place up in Ellicott City named La Palapa. We ate great food, and a mariachi band sang "¡Canta y no llores!" to me. The following week, AM said we were going out to eat and meeting her friend Katie, whom she had grown up with. We would stay on the west side, since Katie goes to UMBC and lives out in Ellicott City. As my cousin drove through Main Street, I asked her where we were going. She said, "Some Mexican place at the top of the hill." So sitting back in La Palapa, I had the same mariachi band remember me, sing to me, and I ate dinner with AM, Katie, and about nine social worker students. That following Wednesday, Mimosa asked me at work if I wanted to go a drag show, which would be happening at UMBC, and her partner was a part of. I eagerly agreed because I had no plans. No sooner had I gotten there, I saw Katie and those social workers from the Friday before. So I got a girl's phone number, went home, and smirked about the Six Degrees of Jess.
I brought my sometimes-dying aloe plant back to life, and she's now trying to take over my kitchen. I lost all other pets at the beginning of 2009, and moved alone save for Alina, whom was my grandmother's aloe plant that I had brought to college with me in 2001. Throughout the years, I had tried to kill her sporadically, not giving her a lot of light, and putting her through rehab up at Mary K's. She fell out of Kermit when we were moving to Maryland, and after taking a light from Aunt Fran, she has blossomed and is one of my proudest moments for 2009. At least I didn't COMPLETELY kill a cactus!
The Bestest Little Best Friend, Smurf, and Metal Darts gallivanted from Connecticut to see me in my little apartment. Metal Darts tried not to bash his head off the ceiling, while Smurf stood on furniture and was excited she could touch. Shink brought Kermit down, and Bluejay drove down for a couple hours. It was one of the best weekends, and there were fantastic arts and crafts created and completed, though the men hated us.
I went to Dundalk and participated in a quarter auction. That wasn't the exciting part; I finally met Salsa, whom had been one of my county contacts throughout the previous months. She told me I had more potential that I had been using at the Starship. I also visited with more clients and realized that it may be time for me to go back into schooling, as more folks are pushing me towards addiction counseling, and responding well. To this day, I still have a handful of clients that put me as part of their treatment plan for when they become upset and are on the verge of relapsing.
For some odd reason, I set fire to my kitchen a lot. I burnt a stove burner and coated it in plastic, then set oil on fire in a frying pan. This would prompt my continuously saying, "EN FLAMBE" any time something is hot or I am cooking. Speaking of cooking, I became a decent cook, which I found ironic as I had never thought of myself in that matter. I had created a full spice rack, where it had only been filled with salt, pepper, and oregano throughout my previous years. I would have to start showing Dern what I made for lunch each day, and made her begin telling me I would open a restaurant in Pikesville named "Hookers and Cookers."
I was contacted by two of my exes in 2009 at sporadic points, Clementine and Thelma. Both made my head spin, which I then turned to Francesca, since we hadn't had one of our "I love you but we can't be together" conversations in too long. She said her heart hurt for me; my own heart didn't know quite what it was in for.
I watched two of my friends in a long-term, now long-distance relationship sever their ties. I watched another couple who had gotten together in Apartment 6 become engaged. I still remained single, despite a particular harrowing adventure into phone conversations with LiJ and then trying to distract myself with the girl I met in Ellicott City.
I went to New York City with Kayrin and Otter Bucket and saw JOSS WHEDON and it was AMAZING! And then I left my wallet in Philly. But JOSS WAS AWESOME. It was fantastic to be a part of such centralized fandom and to see him in person, though I wasn't able to get a picture with him or anything like that. It made me wish I was more involved in my fandom, and miss Caterpillar since I didn't have anyone in Maryland to watch hours upon hours of Jossverse with.
I started to "nest" in 2009, finally buying my own furniture and arranging my home so it looked like it wasn't a leftover dorm room. I utilized some of the monies attained from working for so long and bought a guest bed, good sturdy couches, and bedroom furniture that would include the "Credenza of Sex." I still hadn't hung too much on my walls, and my dream catchers are still in a box. But I hung my picture wall again, and started having themes for rooms instead of "Oh yeah, this fits here, there shall it lie until I'm buried."
Probably the hardest thing for 2009 was my steadily decreasing mental state. I lived in a fog for much of the year, and had to confront my addiction more often than I had in the years I had lived in Allentown. While I maintained my sobriety, it became an impending challenge between feeling unsatisfied in both my personal and professional life. Additionally, I had begun to help my best friend raise his son which was supposed to be trying to help since he had never been around babies. This spiraled downhill into a borrowed life for almost the entire year that I both thrived for and loathed. My brain wouldn't stop thinking about my borrowed "family" and planning weekends in advance with his father, to the extent that I sat on his floor one weekend and planned our entire year together. Because of the proximity and the devotion, I lived in a state of denial and mentally tortured myself for almost nine months. I consulted our mutual group of friends, who all expressed concern for me and my borrowed life. I began to oscillate between a never-ending imbroglio and continuing like I had lived in the Valley. I had many conversations about moving back to the Valley, but realized I couldn't unless I had him with me. It was the healthiest unhealthy non-relationship I had ever been in, and it went on for way too long. In my head, I realized I couldn't not do it. I put my own life on hold, prompting a coworker of mine to scream at me that I wouldn't know if someone was trying to talk to me because my life was so wrapped up in him. Even looking through these planners, his name is prevalent. Even on the days I didn't write, there was a reference somewhere to him, a forgotten thought, a text message, an email at work.
While I had been trying to pull away, I set it into overload come November, to the point where his mother even commented that I was "distant." I tried to not take care of the baby as much, putting more of it on him so I could leave in good conscience. I started taking notice of how often I said his name in conversation or even wrote about him, and quickly readjusted my mindset. The harder I pulled away, the more he reached for me, which was confusing in its own right. When I drove the baby home in November, I told him that I wouldn't be around as much and that he would need to take care of his father. Butt Nugget, whom never really cried in the car once he was about five months, wailed the entire way back to Lebanon like he knew.
I started evaluating what my life had been at the end of November, when I couldn't look back and see any connections I had truly made in Maryland. I had been so focused on "us" and what we had (or didn't, as the case may be) that I was putting my own life on hold for a man whom didn't want me. I did have some hope that it would change, but didn't know if I could live through any conversation. So I bottled it down, and we both went to Florida to spend time with my parents. Having him in that household made me want that life even more, where my momma threw the idea of moving back to Florida at me. I was torn; I didn't want to be too far, but didn't have any true connections to stay in Maryland or the Valley without some sustenance to my commitments. We did have a great time in Florida, and I finally came clean with Momma about everything that had been happening that year. She felt sorry for me and how much I had kept from her on principle; she couldn't offer me any additional insight on the task at hand, but that it would have to be addressed.
Eventually, as Hustla made a bold play into my life and spun my head quickly around, I recognized I needed to have The Talk, just so I could continue on in good faith. I hated the idea of it, and kept it from him, though he admitted he knew about it before it came to fruition. I didn't call as often, was physically nauseous for about two weeks, and generally hated my life. With Kermit finally gone and the fact I would be losing this man I had been committed to for almost a year, my brain was quickly rejecting itself. Finally on New Year's Eve, I broached the subject with him and laid all of my playing cards on the table. I was told it was one-sided, so I packed all of my personal belongings, gave him back his house and car keys, took my box of liquor that had been living there since June, and gave him one last hug. I drove to Bluejay's, and she drove Onyx to Philly, and we spent NYE in Philly with Kayrin, Otter Bucket, Hunny, and a smattering of other good-natured folk whom distracted me with board games and funny stories.
So the end of 2009 was rough; I lost my car and my man within two weeks of each other. It sucked- a lot.
As for the resolutions from last year, I did finally move into the Catonsville apartment and out of the Valley. I do have relatively secured employment where I haven't been fired. As much as I may hate my job, I still have a job, and for that I am thankful. As for the weird things happening to my body, I was so vague in that entry, I am having a bit of a problem of remembering what the hell was going on. I will say that certain body ailments have been addressed, I am trying to be more healthy by drinking more water and even having a treadmill, and in general, cooking healthier foods. It's a work in progress, this body of mine. As for new resolutions? Ta-da:My 2010 Resolutions
· Watch the news more often. I was so involved in watching the news when the 2008 election was happening, and then promptly fell off the wagon. I think watching more news, even if it's Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow, is better than watching 302048402 hours of HGTV and Food Network, or even more of my OnDemand. It was nice to feel like I knew something when watching the State of the Union. I'd like to be a bit more informed.
· Figure out if I'm moving to Florida. Especially since I would be moving in March-ish of next year. I don't really know if I'm ready to move (again) or if I will be laying down more permanent roots here.
· Can Stay the hell home be a resolution? Because of going back to the Valley so often, my home life didn't exactly prosper. While I'm still up for traveling to Philadelphia or seeing Smurf in Connecticut for maybe Easter, I think I need to put down those roots and establish friendships/relationships here. My apartment is in working order, but not entirely put together. As a manic episode took over in early November, I did rearrange my entire apartment. While my bedroom recovered and only needs electronics hooked up (TV, maybe a working phone?), my guest room/office is in pretty much the same state as when I rearranged everything. With spring coming, this room will change around again to accommodate needing A/C and maybe I'll finally put my desk together. Or maybe not. In short, I want to stay in the state more and work on my domicile.
· Clean my kitchen and keep it that way. I no longer have a dishwasher. I also have a propensity that I'm going to "wash it later." By staying home more often, I can finally get my kitchen under control and be proud of it again. This kitchen was the main reason I rented this apartment to begin with! I realized why my kitchen was always clean in Apartment 6; I never used it. Now that I'm cooking nightly, I should try to keep it up by doing the dishes that night instead of waiting until the next day. Right now, I have a bucket of flatware that needs to be cleaned, not to mention putting away crock pots and other cooking implements. This is a manageable resolution, dammit. I will not be conquered by my kitchen!
· Walk more often. For this, I need my TV shows back. I had started walking in December, but then fell so ill that I never got back on. I tried again earlier this week, then had friends over, blah blah. So I want to walk more, but I will accommodate other things happening, such as Life. I had been trying to make a schedule, but it was getting so bogged down, I don't quite know what happened. I think I have great ideas in general, but when I try to implement, I think I'm SuperJess and it never happens. I am going to at least try to walk three times a week, and am slowly moving up to that hour. I lost a lot of weight in 2005 because of just walking during Angel; I'm sure walking at night during my shows could be just as productive. It's not to lose weight, fit into skinny jeans, and blah blah societal standards. While that would be great, I'm looking at that knee replacement and NOT wanting it. Like a macro DO NOT WANT kind of way.
As for 2009 being the Year of the Return to the Cock, it was a decidedly half-handed attempt. I did notice that I was unarguably less dykey in 2009, and whether that be because of existing in a non-relationship with Shink or my default setting when I'm in a new environment, I'm not sure. It was often compared to how I was when I first moved to the valley in 2001, getting my nails done and wearing skirts, and oh God, messing around with Scott. While I'm not denying my attraction to women (and further updates will expound upon this, trust me), I have tried to adjust to being on my own. I was wearing skirts more at work because my dress code had changed. I was working with men and women, noticing that I was relating to the women and complementing the men, which was opposite as to how I had been living. I didn't exactly bounce on boys throughout 2009 (unless you count Trips- poor Trips and my hula hoop), but I didn't discount them either. I think after my craziness that happened with Clementine, I solemnly swore I was off the sauce. I grew my nails out; I started nesting; I wore skirts and had my hair down more often. I wore heels daily instead of flip-flops. And while I didn't put it on, I still carried lipstick in my pocket.2006 - The Year of the Skunk Eating a Condom
2007 - The Year of the Fluffy Bunny
2008 - The Year of the FCRTH
2009 - The Year of the Return to the Cock
There has been some serious joking between Hunny and myself that 2010 should be called "The Year of the Black Man Touching My AREA!" which probably doesn't make sense to any of you out there and borders on moderately offensive. And it would suppose I would need a whole fleet of black men, which I just don't have the energy to either find or sustain. I'm open to other names for this year, but that's all I got so far.
If you're made it this far, you've read over 5,000 words, so good on you! I know I can be quite loquacious when it comes to year-in-reviews, but I like to know where I came from. I did notice, particularly at the end of last year, that no one seems happy with their years. From mid-December to NYE, you have people going, "GET OUT (insert year name here)! YOU SUCKED!" I don't think I have that view of 2009; I really do feel like I simply lost a year. While it looks like a lot happened, it doesn't feel that way to me. It truly was a borrowed life. And to try and use all of those clichès you see in these things about reviews, this year is about me! *flippant hair toss* In truth, this year is about re-establishing myself. Already, I have had amazing things happen, the funniest stories, and we're only a month in. My friends are saying they're happy I'm back to how I used to be, with skunks eating condoms and raccoons playing banjos. I can only hold high expectations for this year...
... damn, it's good to be back.
The first thing I noticed about 2009 was the fact that I stopped writing. This entry is going to be comprised of a lot of memory and searching through my cell phone (which I got a new one in 2009, yay upgrade!). I stopped writing in the planner until I bought a new one in August of 2009, which is ironically the same thing I did when I went through my break-up with Beb. The planner from the latter half of 2006 is VERY bare where I didn't want to write anymore. (When I told Smurf of this, I actually documented her response in the planner. March 4, 2009 - "Isn't the planner like the Bible? It's the final word to those who believe!! Well, I have faith in the pooh planner! :)")
I think part of my not-writing was that 2009 was a very, very stressful year. I moved to Maryland alone, got a job where I knew nobody. I was born in Essex, which is east of Baltimore. As a east side girl, I chose to live west of Baltimore to an area I had never even visited, save for seeing the exits on my way to Franny's. I fell in love with Six-Foot-Three, moved with only a chair, my bed, and two tables, and tried to make it work.
I started work as a Crisis Intake Worker, which I had supposed was a crisis hot line. I thrived on the idea of being out of direct care, since my previous two years of working in direct care psychiatric treatment could make one go batty. I settled into my cubicle, saw the same people everyday, and now after a year, I can only recognize maybe two clients that just happened to come up to the Starship.
The job dominated my life; I wasn't happy for the first few months, between being chastised by Sgt. Slaughter and told that I shouldn't do what I had been trained to do. I began putting out resumes, but realized that the Starship had me by the golden handcuffs; they paid me too well for the job I was doing. This job was a daylight trick with good money, weekends off, and paid holidays. It seemed to have everything my brain would need after working a minimal of 56 hours a week, swing trick, for two years straight. I tried to focus on relearning the Baltimore system of health care when I was given no training, no insight, and quickly chastised over any small incident. My paranoia from the House paid off, but otherwise, I was flying blind. Mental health comes naturally to me; clients will be clients, regardless of what state you're in. But the problems began when I had no resources to give them; I can deescalate in my sleep, but where the local ER was? Not a clue.
My supervisor changed several times throughout the year, where I had been under Sgt. Slaughter, then put under a woman whom I don't have a pseudonym for but continues to plague my existence. She told me I was a call center rep and didn't need further knowledge in behavioral health since I had no licensure. She then tossed me under another woman who quit a month later; she would be my supervisor for the rest of the year. Because of what Toolman did at the beginning of the year, it screwed up my contract, and I would have to borrow against the company in order to go on vacation. The Starship continued to be a clusterfuck of a place to work for, and has never quite gotten better. A lot of people were fired in 2009, and I started wondering about my own job security, no matter how well I did my job.
I began to collect the stories of working in a call center, where I becomes friends with Dern, Hellure, and Homegirl. I tried to bring my friendship outside of work with Homegirl, but after she blew me off for what seemed like the seventh time, I quickly gave up the ghost. Instead, I looked to becoming closer with Mimosa, and continue to share a strong friendship to this day. Her willingness to take my newly-moved person to various areas was greatly appreciated; she bought me a milkshake the fourth day I knew her, and then took me to Waldorf the first weekend to watch Angel. There was some hope in developing a friendship with her, which I continued to do so throughout the year.
I spent a lot of time traveling in 2009, my free weekends quickly booked up. I like to rationalize and say I spent a lot of time in the Valley because I was unwilling to finally let that place go, the place that I had called "home" for almost eight years. It was comforting to be able to go back every/other weekend and see my friends, know where things were, and use it as an escape from my steadily deceasing mental state. I also visited a lot of different places, from driving to Connecticut multiple times to staying in Philly. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in awhile, had some very deep conversations, and realized that though I had left physically, I could still call them whenever I needed. It was definitely a comfort.
I saw more movies in 2009 than I think I have since I started watching the damned things. The planners are full of ticket stubs, actually going to a theatre, sitting in the dark, and either talking throughout the entire thing or screaming my bloody head off and scratching friends' arms. We had various fandoms, where we gallivanted to Baltimore to watch Serenity or when I gallivanted to Philly then the Valley for New Moon. And through all of this, I really started looking at myself and my circle of friends as having started our next stage in life, a la Sex and the City. I also realized that at this point in my life, I'm at the age where friendships have already been formed. I didn't need to see my friends every week to make sure they were still my friends; a phone call every month would suffice. This would play in my brain later that year.
Because of all the traveling, Kermit was officially on his last hop. He broke down in June, leaving me stranded in the Valley. I had kept a storage unit in Allentown for years, every since Beb and I had moved into our room back in June of 2006. After I moved in with Trips and Numfar, I kept the storage unit because I didn't have a lot of space. The storage unit was my last physical tie to the Valley, and I worked about once a month on clearing out items and bringing them to Catonsville. The week Kermit broke down, which was the weekend that not only were Shink and I taking care of Butt Nugget and now were down to one car, but was also my BIRTHDAY, I spent a large amount finally finishing clearing it out. I employed the help of Bluejay, and we closed the doors. Ironically, since Kermit was le dead and I needed a vehicle, I drove Shink's car for two days then hauled both of us up to Shamokin to borrow Mary K's van, the infamous Fin. I traveled in the Astro Van of Fail/Win for a little under two months, until I could get that van back up and get my car back down. Because of Kermit's dying, I drove eight vehicles in 2009. And as much as I'm thankful that Uncle Mike let me, I really really hate his 4Runner.
It would be the end of 2009 where Kermit would finally go to that retirement home in the South, and I would buy Onyx, a shiny black HHR with personality and a bangin' sound system. And trying to adjust to an automatic transmission when I had been driving stick for almost nine years.
Physically, my body acted very, very weird for the first part of 2009. While I had hives and almost passed out at the end of 2008, my shotty intestines continued to rock my free world. I was becoming more nauseous whenever I was in Allentown, spending less time with friends and more time in their bathrooms. It wasn't the food I had been eating, as my friends weren't getting nauseous. Due to my new work schedule, however, I jump started my system again. Throughout my time in the Valley, I survived off of food from the House and Wawa. Now that I had been living in Baltimore, I ate better, actually cooking every night, bringing food into work, eating fruits and vegetables. I even ate breakfast, which is something I don't think I had done on a consistent basis since I was in high school. After going back and thinking over my eating habits, we finally realized I needed to have yogurt in the morning in the Valley or I was going to eat Shink's face. I stayed away from fast food predominantly in Maryland, whereas I went back to solely eating it when I was North. I tried to implement different things, buying food for the apartment and cooking some nights, but it wasn't enough.
I was also in more physical pain through 2009. My knees really started to bother me, which I blamed on moving without finding my correct knee braces. Though I had less steps to do in general, I think the driving was taking its effects on my joints. I actually started crying one weekend in the Valley because my shoulder hurt so unbelievably bad. I realized I needed to start taking care of my health better, and that my weight could be a deciding factor in a knee replacement now only four years off. When I had been told at the age of 19 that I would need a knee replacement by the time I was 30, I had scoffed because it was eleven years away. I was beginning to look my own mortality in the face, and wasn't liking the options I was seeing.
During this time while my body was rejecting me, my psych brain took over, and I realized it was also stress-related. As much as I craved the Valley, it was what had been upsetting me. After I made peace with that and watched what I ate, my body decidedly calmed the hell down and I could visit folks again without threat of puking on them.
Though I was in Maryland, I could still offer my friend a place to come when she had to put down her beloved pet. Or when another friend lost a close friend of his, I could still offer support from a state away. I was informed when my friend's father took a catapult down the stairs, later visiting him in the hospital, and promptly counseling his wife.
I was approached by a coworker who asked if I was any relation to my estranged half-brother. It brought up more strange thoughts, and I spent a lot of time talking with my father. Nothing ever came of it in 2009, though I'm still expecting to be in Essex at Pizza John's or visiting my cousin, and have him walk through the door. I would promptly faint; he looks so much like Da-ee.
Death was around me a lot in 2009, with my aunt's two brothers dying, my friend's cat, and the aunt of that same friend, whom I used to counsel, passing away. My great-uncle also died, which makes my Aunt Wanda the last of 10 Hurt kids to be alive. I learned that one of my and Caterpillar's clients had passed away, and it can still bring a tear to my eyes; I still see her sitting around the dining room table, telling me how I "don't fuck around with the rules" and trying not to laugh, but saying her language was inappropriate.
I had moments of typical Jess throughout 2009, though the one that sticks out the most in my head was during end of April/early May. Bluejay had come down to visit, and her job while being in Maryland is to find Mexican and sushi places, since we're adventurous and like to eat that cuisine. While I had been working, she found a Mexican place up in Ellicott City named La Palapa. We ate great food, and a mariachi band sang "¡Canta y no llores!" to me. The following week, AM said we were going out to eat and meeting her friend Katie, whom she had grown up with. We would stay on the west side, since Katie goes to UMBC and lives out in Ellicott City. As my cousin drove through Main Street, I asked her where we were going. She said, "Some Mexican place at the top of the hill." So sitting back in La Palapa, I had the same mariachi band remember me, sing to me, and I ate dinner with AM, Katie, and about nine social worker students. That following Wednesday, Mimosa asked me at work if I wanted to go a drag show, which would be happening at UMBC, and her partner was a part of. I eagerly agreed because I had no plans. No sooner had I gotten there, I saw Katie and those social workers from the Friday before. So I got a girl's phone number, went home, and smirked about the Six Degrees of Jess.
I brought my sometimes-dying aloe plant back to life, and she's now trying to take over my kitchen. I lost all other pets at the beginning of 2009, and moved alone save for Alina, whom was my grandmother's aloe plant that I had brought to college with me in 2001. Throughout the years, I had tried to kill her sporadically, not giving her a lot of light, and putting her through rehab up at Mary K's. She fell out of Kermit when we were moving to Maryland, and after taking a light from Aunt Fran, she has blossomed and is one of my proudest moments for 2009. At least I didn't COMPLETELY kill a cactus!
The Bestest Little Best Friend, Smurf, and Metal Darts gallivanted from Connecticut to see me in my little apartment. Metal Darts tried not to bash his head off the ceiling, while Smurf stood on furniture and was excited she could touch. Shink brought Kermit down, and Bluejay drove down for a couple hours. It was one of the best weekends, and there were fantastic arts and crafts created and completed, though the men hated us.
I went to Dundalk and participated in a quarter auction. That wasn't the exciting part; I finally met Salsa, whom had been one of my county contacts throughout the previous months. She told me I had more potential that I had been using at the Starship. I also visited with more clients and realized that it may be time for me to go back into schooling, as more folks are pushing me towards addiction counseling, and responding well. To this day, I still have a handful of clients that put me as part of their treatment plan for when they become upset and are on the verge of relapsing.
For some odd reason, I set fire to my kitchen a lot. I burnt a stove burner and coated it in plastic, then set oil on fire in a frying pan. This would prompt my continuously saying, "EN FLAMBE" any time something is hot or I am cooking. Speaking of cooking, I became a decent cook, which I found ironic as I had never thought of myself in that matter. I had created a full spice rack, where it had only been filled with salt, pepper, and oregano throughout my previous years. I would have to start showing Dern what I made for lunch each day, and made her begin telling me I would open a restaurant in Pikesville named "Hookers and Cookers."
I was contacted by two of my exes in 2009 at sporadic points, Clementine and Thelma. Both made my head spin, which I then turned to Francesca, since we hadn't had one of our "I love you but we can't be together" conversations in too long. She said her heart hurt for me; my own heart didn't know quite what it was in for.
I watched two of my friends in a long-term, now long-distance relationship sever their ties. I watched another couple who had gotten together in Apartment 6 become engaged. I still remained single, despite a particular harrowing adventure into phone conversations with LiJ and then trying to distract myself with the girl I met in Ellicott City.
I went to New York City with Kayrin and Otter Bucket and saw JOSS WHEDON and it was AMAZING! And then I left my wallet in Philly. But JOSS WAS AWESOME. It was fantastic to be a part of such centralized fandom and to see him in person, though I wasn't able to get a picture with him or anything like that. It made me wish I was more involved in my fandom, and miss Caterpillar since I didn't have anyone in Maryland to watch hours upon hours of Jossverse with.
I started to "nest" in 2009, finally buying my own furniture and arranging my home so it looked like it wasn't a leftover dorm room. I utilized some of the monies attained from working for so long and bought a guest bed, good sturdy couches, and bedroom furniture that would include the "Credenza of Sex." I still hadn't hung too much on my walls, and my dream catchers are still in a box. But I hung my picture wall again, and started having themes for rooms instead of "Oh yeah, this fits here, there shall it lie until I'm buried."
Probably the hardest thing for 2009 was my steadily decreasing mental state. I lived in a fog for much of the year, and had to confront my addiction more often than I had in the years I had lived in Allentown. While I maintained my sobriety, it became an impending challenge between feeling unsatisfied in both my personal and professional life. Additionally, I had begun to help my best friend raise his son which was supposed to be trying to help since he had never been around babies. This spiraled downhill into a borrowed life for almost the entire year that I both thrived for and loathed. My brain wouldn't stop thinking about my borrowed "family" and planning weekends in advance with his father, to the extent that I sat on his floor one weekend and planned our entire year together. Because of the proximity and the devotion, I lived in a state of denial and mentally tortured myself for almost nine months. I consulted our mutual group of friends, who all expressed concern for me and my borrowed life. I began to oscillate between a never-ending imbroglio and continuing like I had lived in the Valley. I had many conversations about moving back to the Valley, but realized I couldn't unless I had him with me. It was the healthiest unhealthy non-relationship I had ever been in, and it went on for way too long. In my head, I realized I couldn't not do it. I put my own life on hold, prompting a coworker of mine to scream at me that I wouldn't know if someone was trying to talk to me because my life was so wrapped up in him. Even looking through these planners, his name is prevalent. Even on the days I didn't write, there was a reference somewhere to him, a forgotten thought, a text message, an email at work.
While I had been trying to pull away, I set it into overload come November, to the point where his mother even commented that I was "distant." I tried to not take care of the baby as much, putting more of it on him so I could leave in good conscience. I started taking notice of how often I said his name in conversation or even wrote about him, and quickly readjusted my mindset. The harder I pulled away, the more he reached for me, which was confusing in its own right. When I drove the baby home in November, I told him that I wouldn't be around as much and that he would need to take care of his father. Butt Nugget, whom never really cried in the car once he was about five months, wailed the entire way back to Lebanon like he knew.
I started evaluating what my life had been at the end of November, when I couldn't look back and see any connections I had truly made in Maryland. I had been so focused on "us" and what we had (or didn't, as the case may be) that I was putting my own life on hold for a man whom didn't want me. I did have some hope that it would change, but didn't know if I could live through any conversation. So I bottled it down, and we both went to Florida to spend time with my parents. Having him in that household made me want that life even more, where my momma threw the idea of moving back to Florida at me. I was torn; I didn't want to be too far, but didn't have any true connections to stay in Maryland or the Valley without some sustenance to my commitments. We did have a great time in Florida, and I finally came clean with Momma about everything that had been happening that year. She felt sorry for me and how much I had kept from her on principle; she couldn't offer me any additional insight on the task at hand, but that it would have to be addressed.
Eventually, as Hustla made a bold play into my life and spun my head quickly around, I recognized I needed to have The Talk, just so I could continue on in good faith. I hated the idea of it, and kept it from him, though he admitted he knew about it before it came to fruition. I didn't call as often, was physically nauseous for about two weeks, and generally hated my life. With Kermit finally gone and the fact I would be losing this man I had been committed to for almost a year, my brain was quickly rejecting itself. Finally on New Year's Eve, I broached the subject with him and laid all of my playing cards on the table. I was told it was one-sided, so I packed all of my personal belongings, gave him back his house and car keys, took my box of liquor that had been living there since June, and gave him one last hug. I drove to Bluejay's, and she drove Onyx to Philly, and we spent NYE in Philly with Kayrin, Otter Bucket, Hunny, and a smattering of other good-natured folk whom distracted me with board games and funny stories.
So the end of 2009 was rough; I lost my car and my man within two weeks of each other. It sucked- a lot.
As for the resolutions from last year, I did finally move into the Catonsville apartment and out of the Valley. I do have relatively secured employment where I haven't been fired. As much as I may hate my job, I still have a job, and for that I am thankful. As for the weird things happening to my body, I was so vague in that entry, I am having a bit of a problem of remembering what the hell was going on. I will say that certain body ailments have been addressed, I am trying to be more healthy by drinking more water and even having a treadmill, and in general, cooking healthier foods. It's a work in progress, this body of mine. As for new resolutions? Ta-da:My 2010 Resolutions
· Watch the news more often. I was so involved in watching the news when the 2008 election was happening, and then promptly fell off the wagon. I think watching more news, even if it's Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow, is better than watching 302048402 hours of HGTV and Food Network, or even more of my OnDemand. It was nice to feel like I knew something when watching the State of the Union. I'd like to be a bit more informed.
· Figure out if I'm moving to Florida. Especially since I would be moving in March-ish of next year. I don't really know if I'm ready to move (again) or if I will be laying down more permanent roots here.
· Can Stay the hell home be a resolution? Because of going back to the Valley so often, my home life didn't exactly prosper. While I'm still up for traveling to Philadelphia or seeing Smurf in Connecticut for maybe Easter, I think I need to put down those roots and establish friendships/relationships here. My apartment is in working order, but not entirely put together. As a manic episode took over in early November, I did rearrange my entire apartment. While my bedroom recovered and only needs electronics hooked up (TV, maybe a working phone?), my guest room/office is in pretty much the same state as when I rearranged everything. With spring coming, this room will change around again to accommodate needing A/C and maybe I'll finally put my desk together. Or maybe not. In short, I want to stay in the state more and work on my domicile.
· Clean my kitchen and keep it that way. I no longer have a dishwasher. I also have a propensity that I'm going to "wash it later." By staying home more often, I can finally get my kitchen under control and be proud of it again. This kitchen was the main reason I rented this apartment to begin with! I realized why my kitchen was always clean in Apartment 6; I never used it. Now that I'm cooking nightly, I should try to keep it up by doing the dishes that night instead of waiting until the next day. Right now, I have a bucket of flatware that needs to be cleaned, not to mention putting away crock pots and other cooking implements. This is a manageable resolution, dammit. I will not be conquered by my kitchen!
· Walk more often. For this, I need my TV shows back. I had started walking in December, but then fell so ill that I never got back on. I tried again earlier this week, then had friends over, blah blah. So I want to walk more, but I will accommodate other things happening, such as Life. I had been trying to make a schedule, but it was getting so bogged down, I don't quite know what happened. I think I have great ideas in general, but when I try to implement, I think I'm SuperJess and it never happens. I am going to at least try to walk three times a week, and am slowly moving up to that hour. I lost a lot of weight in 2005 because of just walking during Angel; I'm sure walking at night during my shows could be just as productive. It's not to lose weight, fit into skinny jeans, and blah blah societal standards. While that would be great, I'm looking at that knee replacement and NOT wanting it. Like a macro DO NOT WANT kind of way.
As for 2009 being the Year of the Return to the Cock, it was a decidedly half-handed attempt. I did notice that I was unarguably less dykey in 2009, and whether that be because of existing in a non-relationship with Shink or my default setting when I'm in a new environment, I'm not sure. It was often compared to how I was when I first moved to the valley in 2001, getting my nails done and wearing skirts, and oh God, messing around with Scott. While I'm not denying my attraction to women (and further updates will expound upon this, trust me), I have tried to adjust to being on my own. I was wearing skirts more at work because my dress code had changed. I was working with men and women, noticing that I was relating to the women and complementing the men, which was opposite as to how I had been living. I didn't exactly bounce on boys throughout 2009 (unless you count Trips- poor Trips and my hula hoop), but I didn't discount them either. I think after my craziness that happened with Clementine, I solemnly swore I was off the sauce. I grew my nails out; I started nesting; I wore skirts and had my hair down more often. I wore heels daily instead of flip-flops. And while I didn't put it on, I still carried lipstick in my pocket.2006 - The Year of the Skunk Eating a Condom
2007 - The Year of the Fluffy Bunny
2008 - The Year of the FCRTH
2009 - The Year of the Return to the Cock
There has been some serious joking between Hunny and myself that 2010 should be called "The Year of the Black Man Touching My AREA!" which probably doesn't make sense to any of you out there and borders on moderately offensive. And it would suppose I would need a whole fleet of black men, which I just don't have the energy to either find or sustain. I'm open to other names for this year, but that's all I got so far.
If you're made it this far, you've read over 5,000 words, so good on you! I know I can be quite loquacious when it comes to year-in-reviews, but I like to know where I came from. I did notice, particularly at the end of last year, that no one seems happy with their years. From mid-December to NYE, you have people going, "GET OUT (insert year name here)! YOU SUCKED!" I don't think I have that view of 2009; I really do feel like I simply lost a year. While it looks like a lot happened, it doesn't feel that way to me. It truly was a borrowed life. And to try and use all of those clichès you see in these things about reviews, this year is about me! *flippant hair toss* In truth, this year is about re-establishing myself. Already, I have had amazing things happen, the funniest stories, and we're only a month in. My friends are saying they're happy I'm back to how I used to be, with skunks eating condoms and raccoons playing banjos. I can only hold high expectations for this year...
... damn, it's good to be back.