A long slow goodbye...
Jen,
This is the long slow goodbye that I always feared would someday come to fruition.
The relationship, in my opinion, started very dishonest on your part. You acted for months like you were divorced but then eventually told me that you were still “technically married”. How did you expect me not to have an issue with that? For a total of 11 months I went through a divorce by your side, holding your hand, eliminating your stress, and being a friend as best as I could. It was draining, stressful, and painful on a daily basis but I did it because I said I wouldn’t leave you and because I loved you with my whole heart. I put your feelings ahead of my own feelings because that is what someone who loves another does. I sacrificed for you…because I love you.
I feel at times you did many things too but your actions were never enough. I don’t say that in a mean way but actions do speak louder than words. You are a great talker. The year we were together even though there was stress the eye was on the prize. My prize was eventually going to be a life with you. The apple of my eye, my better half, my best friend. I know that things were never perfect, which they rarely are in any relationship, but I was content. Sleeping next to you brought me the best sleep of my life. Making love to you? No one held a candle to that feeling of closeness or togetherness. I said some things that cut like a knife because I was so stressed out for the above reasons. I loved you so deep. So true. So pure.
When I came home and you were gone it ripped my heart out. I had to become cold and numb. I felt like I lost my best friend. My heart and soul. I didn’t know what to do other then start building walls and not letting you back in. Not allowing you to see how much I was hurt and damaged. I couldn’t chase you like you told me you wanted. I felt that if I chased you that you would see how vulnerable I really was and use it as a sword against me in the future. I had to pick up the pieces like so many times before. This killed me. It crushed me. It made me mentally unstable and out of control. It broke me down. I would have rather endured physical pain then the pain you caused me. I didn’t deserve that. I needed closure.
A month ago when we started to talk in working on this a second time around I was happy. I was ecstatic. I knew the things I needed to do to make you secure. I knew the things I wasn’t perfect at before and was willing to discuss them with you and work things out. I came to the table with an open mind, an open conscience and pure LOVE. These were not hard things to do because I was in LOVE WITH YOU. I knew I couldn’t do this on my own though. I knew you had to meet me halfway. You made the promise and the commitment that you would “Do whatever it takes” because you were “Not ever going to lose me again”, those were your words. You’re fighting for us words. What the fuck happened Jenny?
I don’t think you ever came back honest. I think you were still involved with your ex-boyfriend because he has money. I would hate to think that this is the reason you are with him. It pains me that you went back to him after what he put you through. I wish you were with someone else that made you happy. Not this person.
When we broke up this last time it pains me to read or remember the things you said. I don’t want to feel duped. I want to remember the person that I fell in love with. Not this callus person that could care less about me. You even sent me a video of me singing to you telling me you fall asleep sobbing to that video nightly. You tell me you love me with all your heart still but you don’t know what to do to fix us. To me that’s bullshit! How can you love someone and not be able to figure it out? It really doesn’t have to be that difficult. Now it’s too late. You threw me out Jenny. I know I am not innocent that I said some things that hurt pretty bad but it was all a defense mechanism to what you started.
I hate questioning if you ever loved me at all or wanted to be my wife the way you talked about it. Was it a game? The more I think about it I realize that it was just all talk. I believe that you were still talking to your ex keeping him around if it didn’t work out between us. In less than a few days you ran back into his arms. A guy that did unspeakable things to you and made you do things you were uncomfortable with. This tares me into pieces. I just want to get over you and pretend you never existed.
I don’t know if I am supposed to remember this for the rest of my life or if I should try to erase your memory from my mind and heart. I don’t even know how to do this. I’m scared that no one will ever love me for who I truly am. Not the way I want to be loved. You really hurt me and damaged me. I don’t even know how to repair.
I love you Jen. I want the best for you. Not the person you are with. I want what’s best for you. I want you to be in a good place and find what love truly is. I want you to forget about me if it causes you hurt or pain. I never wanted that for you. I will always miss your light of who I thought you once were. You took a piece of my heart with you.
J11
This is the long slow goodbye that I always feared would someday come to fruition.
The relationship, in my opinion, started very dishonest on your part. You acted for months like you were divorced but then eventually told me that you were still “technically married”. How did you expect me not to have an issue with that? For a total of 11 months I went through a divorce by your side, holding your hand, eliminating your stress, and being a friend as best as I could. It was draining, stressful, and painful on a daily basis but I did it because I said I wouldn’t leave you and because I loved you with my whole heart. I put your feelings ahead of my own feelings because that is what someone who loves another does. I sacrificed for you…because I love you.
I feel at times you did many things too but your actions were never enough. I don’t say that in a mean way but actions do speak louder than words. You are a great talker. The year we were together even though there was stress the eye was on the prize. My prize was eventually going to be a life with you. The apple of my eye, my better half, my best friend. I know that things were never perfect, which they rarely are in any relationship, but I was content. Sleeping next to you brought me the best sleep of my life. Making love to you? No one held a candle to that feeling of closeness or togetherness. I said some things that cut like a knife because I was so stressed out for the above reasons. I loved you so deep. So true. So pure.
When I came home and you were gone it ripped my heart out. I had to become cold and numb. I felt like I lost my best friend. My heart and soul. I didn’t know what to do other then start building walls and not letting you back in. Not allowing you to see how much I was hurt and damaged. I couldn’t chase you like you told me you wanted. I felt that if I chased you that you would see how vulnerable I really was and use it as a sword against me in the future. I had to pick up the pieces like so many times before. This killed me. It crushed me. It made me mentally unstable and out of control. It broke me down. I would have rather endured physical pain then the pain you caused me. I didn’t deserve that. I needed closure.
A month ago when we started to talk in working on this a second time around I was happy. I was ecstatic. I knew the things I needed to do to make you secure. I knew the things I wasn’t perfect at before and was willing to discuss them with you and work things out. I came to the table with an open mind, an open conscience and pure LOVE. These were not hard things to do because I was in LOVE WITH YOU. I knew I couldn’t do this on my own though. I knew you had to meet me halfway. You made the promise and the commitment that you would “Do whatever it takes” because you were “Not ever going to lose me again”, those were your words. You’re fighting for us words. What the fuck happened Jenny?
I don’t think you ever came back honest. I think you were still involved with your ex-boyfriend because he has money. I would hate to think that this is the reason you are with him. It pains me that you went back to him after what he put you through. I wish you were with someone else that made you happy. Not this person.
When we broke up this last time it pains me to read or remember the things you said. I don’t want to feel duped. I want to remember the person that I fell in love with. Not this callus person that could care less about me. You even sent me a video of me singing to you telling me you fall asleep sobbing to that video nightly. You tell me you love me with all your heart still but you don’t know what to do to fix us. To me that’s bullshit! How can you love someone and not be able to figure it out? It really doesn’t have to be that difficult. Now it’s too late. You threw me out Jenny. I know I am not innocent that I said some things that hurt pretty bad but it was all a defense mechanism to what you started.
I hate questioning if you ever loved me at all or wanted to be my wife the way you talked about it. Was it a game? The more I think about it I realize that it was just all talk. I believe that you were still talking to your ex keeping him around if it didn’t work out between us. In less than a few days you ran back into his arms. A guy that did unspeakable things to you and made you do things you were uncomfortable with. This tares me into pieces. I just want to get over you and pretend you never existed.
I don’t know if I am supposed to remember this for the rest of my life or if I should try to erase your memory from my mind and heart. I don’t even know how to do this. I’m scared that no one will ever love me for who I truly am. Not the way I want to be loved. You really hurt me and damaged me. I don’t even know how to repair.
I love you Jen. I want the best for you. Not the person you are with. I want what’s best for you. I want you to be in a good place and find what love truly is. I want you to forget about me if it causes you hurt or pain. I never wanted that for you. I will always miss your light of who I thought you once were. You took a piece of my heart with you.
J11