Eye neVer Came
In purgatory still paying for my sins...
This weekend was a treat to say the least. Things may be getting better but at a very very slow pace. I know it takes time to heal all wounds but these wounds are pretty deep and I inflict the pain onto myself most of the time.
Friday I met with my friend and wished that I wouldn't have. I was restless and aggravated. I really felt that anything would get on my nerves and I would snap at any minute. It wasn't fair to him that I was there in that state. I told him what was going on for the last month. I get tired of talking about it so maybe I just need to try to stop talking about it.
Saturday I went to see my cousin and it was difficult to tell her what I have been experiencing with the war inside me. She told me the feeling I have are normal and everybody has went through what I am feeling. She told me that I am not alone. I sure do feel like I am.
Then I made the biggest mistake possible. She asked me to pull up the Facebook of J's boyfriend that she ran back to. I did and sure enough there were a few pictures of them together. It sucked seeing that. Cut like a knife. My heart felt like it stopped beating and pumping life into my numb body. It hurt.
I know in my heart that we will never be back together again. I know in my heart that I still love her. I know in my heart that I am broken into pieced right now and I don't know how to put this puzzle back together again. I feel lost and overcome. I feel like my heart has been so bruised it hurts when it beats. I'm not going to lie. At times I don't want to live. I feel like I am dying a slow death but all of us have made that journey anyway since birth. Time heals all wounds...I have said that time and time again. Why can't I take and believe my own advice now at this trying time? Why is this so hard? I feel like I was fooled. Who the fuck was she really?
God, I must sound like a little bitch on this blog...In my stronger days I would have told someone to suck it up, move on and get over it.
How different it is when you are wearing their shoes. I'm a very empathetic person. I hate to see anyone in pain or struggling with life. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy. A life full of happiness. I wish that I had a magic pill for the world to be a beautiful place for everyone. I know it's beautiful. I just need to find it's beauty again. At one time she was my tranquility, my comfort, my happiness, my breath.
To my future girl if you exist:
Be patient, be kind, say nice things, don't hold back your feelings, be patient with my walls...they will eventually come down slowly, hold my hand, laugh with me, walk with me, be my best friend, cook with me, snuggle with me, use your fingertips on my skin, kiss me on the cheek, never lie to me, leave notes, go on a picnic with me, call off work and surprise me with a day for us, make plans, have an opinion, argue with me over something with me knowing you love me, take showers with me unexpectedly, make me do things that are out of my comfort level, try new things with me, make me part of your future plans, plan a day and throw me in the car and take the wheel and drive. Tell me how you feel about me, make me feel important in a crowded room, make me feel like we are having conversation in silence.
I'm hoping it gets better....
J11
This weekend was a treat to say the least. Things may be getting better but at a very very slow pace. I know it takes time to heal all wounds but these wounds are pretty deep and I inflict the pain onto myself most of the time.
Friday I met with my friend and wished that I wouldn't have. I was restless and aggravated. I really felt that anything would get on my nerves and I would snap at any minute. It wasn't fair to him that I was there in that state. I told him what was going on for the last month. I get tired of talking about it so maybe I just need to try to stop talking about it.
Saturday I went to see my cousin and it was difficult to tell her what I have been experiencing with the war inside me. She told me the feeling I have are normal and everybody has went through what I am feeling. She told me that I am not alone. I sure do feel like I am.
Then I made the biggest mistake possible. She asked me to pull up the Facebook of J's boyfriend that she ran back to. I did and sure enough there were a few pictures of them together. It sucked seeing that. Cut like a knife. My heart felt like it stopped beating and pumping life into my numb body. It hurt.
I know in my heart that we will never be back together again. I know in my heart that I still love her. I know in my heart that I am broken into pieced right now and I don't know how to put this puzzle back together again. I feel lost and overcome. I feel like my heart has been so bruised it hurts when it beats. I'm not going to lie. At times I don't want to live. I feel like I am dying a slow death but all of us have made that journey anyway since birth. Time heals all wounds...I have said that time and time again. Why can't I take and believe my own advice now at this trying time? Why is this so hard? I feel like I was fooled. Who the fuck was she really?
God, I must sound like a little bitch on this blog...In my stronger days I would have told someone to suck it up, move on and get over it.
How different it is when you are wearing their shoes. I'm a very empathetic person. I hate to see anyone in pain or struggling with life. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy. A life full of happiness. I wish that I had a magic pill for the world to be a beautiful place for everyone. I know it's beautiful. I just need to find it's beauty again. At one time she was my tranquility, my comfort, my happiness, my breath.
To my future girl if you exist:
Be patient, be kind, say nice things, don't hold back your feelings, be patient with my walls...they will eventually come down slowly, hold my hand, laugh with me, walk with me, be my best friend, cook with me, snuggle with me, use your fingertips on my skin, kiss me on the cheek, never lie to me, leave notes, go on a picnic with me, call off work and surprise me with a day for us, make plans, have an opinion, argue with me over something with me knowing you love me, take showers with me unexpectedly, make me do things that are out of my comfort level, try new things with me, make me part of your future plans, plan a day and throw me in the car and take the wheel and drive. Tell me how you feel about me, make me feel important in a crowded room, make me feel like we are having conversation in silence.
I'm hoping it gets better....
J11