Black and Blue
Alot happened this weekend. Most I am embarassed by to even write down but I think I need to in case I have to revisit this later for clarity. I feel empty and disgusted with myself. I am not happy. I am struggling to make it through the day it seems. I am NOT thinking clear. I feel like I am outside of my body watching myself in a movie or a play. I am garbage. My own worst enemy. I'm vulnerable. Hurt.
I continue damaging myself by abusing drugs. At the moment it masks some of the pain that I am in but also rears it's ugliness. I keep going in circles. round and round so much that I am dizzy and am out of control. I have never been a person that doesn't like to have control of things and situations. I am a control freak. I feel ugly inside and out.
This weekend I was with my ex girlfriend that was before the last. The girl I truly loved and still do love. She stayed with me and we were up all night talking and making love. It felt perfect but here are the facts on why we broke up:
- She was married when we met online. Seperated but not divorced.
- Kids didn't like me because they wanted her back with dad.
- Kids and ex husband are retarded and couldn't handle things without calling her. In turn she would break our plans.
I feel that I love her. I just don't know if I can deal with all the drama that comes with being with her. Now she seems to make it sound like there is more then ever. I feel weak. Should I try to make this work or run very fast the other way? I'm scared. I'm emotional.
I am almost at the point where I think I need help but last time I spoke to a counselor it didn't help at all.
As I write this I am getting 100 different emotions running through me. I'm angry, sad, hurt, my heart feels heavy, the pain is unbearable. I have been through this before...I just don't remember it hurting this much.
I can't write anymore. I feel I can't breathe.
I continue damaging myself by abusing drugs. At the moment it masks some of the pain that I am in but also rears it's ugliness. I keep going in circles. round and round so much that I am dizzy and am out of control. I have never been a person that doesn't like to have control of things and situations. I am a control freak. I feel ugly inside and out.
This weekend I was with my ex girlfriend that was before the last. The girl I truly loved and still do love. She stayed with me and we were up all night talking and making love. It felt perfect but here are the facts on why we broke up:
- She was married when we met online. Seperated but not divorced.
- Kids didn't like me because they wanted her back with dad.
- Kids and ex husband are retarded and couldn't handle things without calling her. In turn she would break our plans.
I feel that I love her. I just don't know if I can deal with all the drama that comes with being with her. Now she seems to make it sound like there is more then ever. I feel weak. Should I try to make this work or run very fast the other way? I'm scared. I'm emotional.
I am almost at the point where I think I need help but last time I spoke to a counselor it didn't help at all.
As I write this I am getting 100 different emotions running through me. I'm angry, sad, hurt, my heart feels heavy, the pain is unbearable. I have been through this before...I just don't remember it hurting this much.
I can't write anymore. I feel I can't breathe.