Fic, Lost: The Ben Linus Trial, part 1/3(?) (ensemble), PG13, crack
So, this is my crack epic fic. And since it grew beyond my predictions and I don't know still how long it's going to get, I decided to go ahead and post the first part. I think/hope it'll take another two parts to finish it, if it doesn't spread again.
Title: The Ben Linus Trial 1/?
Characters: All the survivors, the freighters, Ben and for now a guest star, a very special one.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: If Lost was like this, it'd be even more insane than it actually is.
Word count: A lot.
Summary: General: When Jack finally realizes that everyone has been behaving like an idiot, the Craphole People decide to sue Ben for a lot of charges. This part: the denounce is written, the lawyer is chosen and a very special spirit guide shows up.
Spoilers: Up to 'The Economist'.
A/N: first of all, this one is totally for elliotsmelliot, who threw the plot bunny at me and has been encouraging and nursing it better than I could possibly do. I hope this lives up to the expectations, though the following parts will be even more insane. That said, it's the crackiest thing I ever did, so don't expect a serious line. Oh, and if you don't have a look at this [the first character], this and this first, you'll probably won't understand a pivotal point. References to the first Pirates of the Caribbean, too (which I guess everyone knows, at least) and some Woodstock music, at least. Dead people are showing up in later chapters. Won best humorous fic at lost_fic_awards, March 2008.
Jack Shephard never was a man of literature; if he had been, he would have been able to give a proper name to what he experienced about two hours after Kate, Sayid and Miles had left.
There is a moment, in quite a lot of Joyce’s stories, where the protagonist suddenly experiences a moment in which there is a sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something, or of his life, or of the universe, or of all the rest.
Jack didn’t place his realization as epiphany, but as Juliet and Desmond entered his field of vision, his eyes suddenly widened, the light of realization dawning over them.
He stood up, trying to find some words to actually express what he had understood; after a few seconds, he ran in Juliet and Desmond’s direction. They both looked kind of relaxed, but when they saw him they exchanged a puzzled look.
“Brother, are you alright?”
“Oh, you can’t even understand why. Listen, the both of you, I.. I think I understood something.”
Juliet raised an eyebrow, while Desmond kept his perplexed expression.
“Understood something?”
”Yeah... it’s... I mean, I was thinking about Kate and Sayid going there with guns, the split, everything, and well, I realized, we’re kind of having it all wrong.”
“Jack, everyone knows this is very wrong, but...”
“No, no, you don’t understand. We completely got the wrong approach from the beginning! I mean, I get that they want to go hide and stuff, but why go there with guns like we’re at war if they just want what we want most to get rid of?”
“You mean Ben?”, she asked.
“Yeah. I mean, the guy has answers and shit, but who wants actually him around?”
“No one.”, had to admit Desmond.
“Exactly. And you know what? We think we need him because he has answers. And it’s right, but well, he will never give a single one until we are all against each other or we speak to him on personal basis. We should just get united and get him to them for once. He could give those answers or he couldn’t but sincerely, who gives a damn about Ben’s answers?”
Desmond looked at Juliet, then at Jack, while she did the same.
“Sister, you know what? He actually is right. Why didn’t anyone think about that before?”
“I really don’t know. That’s clever! But what should we do now?”
“Simple. Everyone boards on the helicopter, we get him to fly us to the barracks, we stop everything first and then, well, we do what I said?”
“Brother, this may be the best idea you had since we, uhm, crossed paths?”
“I second it. really, Jack, that’s clever. We never...”
“Yeah, sure, we never thought about it, whatever, let’s ask!”
They ran to the helicopter, where they found Frank speaking with Dan, who had thankfully stopped with experiments.
“Frank, you don’t... I mean... it’s important! And it’s not, not good!”
“Dan, it’s 31 minutes. Not years. Chill out. I mean, I saw a cow.”
“We’re talking about time differences and all you can think about is, is cows?”
“Ehm.. Dan, Frank... we actually have something to say...”, interrupted Jack after clearing his voice.
He explained the situation and when he was over, Frank nodded while Dan looked skeptical, at least.
“Well... it could work, I mean, it really isn’t that bad idea. Frank, what do you think?”
“I think he may be on to something. You know, Red Sox fans are actually dumber.”
“Whatever. Can you bring us there?”
“Well, I brought four.. I can bring five I guess, the miss here isn’t that heavy. Alright. Hop on everyone, tell me the way and we’re getting there. Fuel should be enough.”
Jack nodded and followed Frank into the helicopter, sitting next to him; Desmond, Juliet and Dan went up in the rear. Jack told Frank the way, hoping that it wasn’t going to take too much. He had an idea that things could go out of control and it really wasn’t worth it, for Ben of everyone.
They arrived over the barracks in about twenty minutes and Jack had a look outside the window.
Locke and Danielle were escorting Sayid, with Hurley behind them?
The hell had happened in one day?
“Frank, can you just... stay here? Flying but without moving?”
“I landed this thing safely after that and you think I can’t?”
“Right, sorry.”
Then Jack opened the door of the helicopter and leaned a bit out, grabbing the handle of the door on one side and the second pilot’s seat on the other.
“Brother, are you gone crazy? You’ll fall!”
“I won’t. Hey, down there!”
Suddenly everyone stopped and Sayid, Locke, Danielle and Hurley were looking at him; a few seconds after Sawyer and Kate ran out of a house, while he couldn’t see Miles but he guessed they had locked him somewhere.
Well, he had been right on something, at least.
“Doc?”, he heard Sawyer shouting.
“Yeah, me. Listen, I think we’re all making a big mistake! I mean, look at you down there!”
Hurley suddenly turned his head to the other side, while Locke’s hand taking the gun shook for a moment. Jack saw only the first, but couldn’t help smirking. At least his speeches still worked.
“Now, John. I want to land and I want to speak with everyone. I don’t want to force anyone to leave or anything, but I’m fairly sure that no one here wants to kill us or anything. Right, Dan?”
Dan, who hadn’t paid that much attention, suddenly startled.
“What? I mean..”
“Dan, shout for them. You don’t have bad intentions, right?”
Dan stood up and stood behind Jack, shouting down Of course not and feeling kind of ridiculous, but well, if Jack had an idea maybe it was for the better.
“John, can we land?”
Locke nodded and Jack closed the door, dropping on the seat, while Frank searched for a place big enough to land.
“Brother, that was stupid.”
“Thanks, Desmond.”
They landed in a clearing not too far away and when Jack arrived, he saw that John at least had kept his word. Everyone from his group was there now and everyone was looking expectantly at him and suspiciously at Dan and Frank. Miles was standing next to Locke and Charlotte, looking not amused at all.
“So, uhm, I just wanted to say. These guys here, I don’t know the two with me, but the one you got, he said he wanted Ben.”
A murmur started to rise from the crowd.
“Did you?”
“Well, yes, I did! That a problem?”
“No, not a problem. So, the point is, apart from the fact that we are divided in the first place which is, well, okay, I won’t go on this, but why should we keep him? I mean, what good does he do? We should just hand him to them and let them deal with him. Should we start to argue over Ben?”
“Doc, you have a point.”
“No, James, he doesn’t. Jack, Ben has answers.”
“Sure, and he’s been mindfucking us up to now. John, you really think that until he sees that we can be played against each other he won’t turn the situation to his advantage and he’s gonna give us any serious answer? Come on. I’d much prefer not to know any answer and let him go.”
“Doc, you definitely have a point.”, said Sawyer stepping out from the group and going near Jack’s, not leaving sides though.
“The hell we need that motherfucker for?”
Locke looked so not amused.
“We need him, James, it’s just...”
“No, he’s right.”, said Claire, stepping up. “He really is no use.”
“Dude, you’ve got a point. I’m with you. We can avoid to trust them, but I really don’t care whether they get Ben or not.”
“So what do you propose, Jack?”
“I’d say that we take him out, give him to them and then reason of what to do next instead of going all Vietnam between us.”
“I’d say the doc has never been more right since the plane crashed.”, said Sawyer nodding.
Locke turned and when he saw that even Alex was nodding at Jack, he shrugged and went to the Others’ game room; he came out with Ben a minute after. Ben, still bleeding, didn’t look at all surprised when he saw the scene.
“How sweet. Anyone’s got milk? The reunion would be perfect then.”
“Shut up.”, Sawyer muttered.
“This isn’t a reunion. Locke, free Miles. You’re going with him and from now I wash my hands off you.”
“What? Jack, you can’t! John, I have...”
“Ben. We don’t want your answers. Maybe John does, but no one here actually gives a damn about them and we had enough.”
“Well, you know what I could say, then?”
“What?”
“Parley.”
“Oh, fuck.”, Frank, Dan, Miles and Charlotte said at the same time.
Jack looked at Desmond, who shook his head and looked at Juliet, who had the same reaction and looked at Locke, who looked more puzzled than everyone else and looked at Sawyer, who shrugged and looked at Hurley, who nodded.
“Excuse me?”, said Jack, “What...?”
“Doc, you ain’t tellin’ me you don’t know what parley is.”
Everyone but Hurley, the freighters and Ben shrugged.
“Oh, damn.”
“Dude, you didn’t even see Pirates of the Caribbean? That’s lame.”
“Hurley, what..”
“I’ll.. uhm, explain?”, offered Dan.
“I’d like it.”
“Parley it’s... well, it was... was a thing that pirates had. You know, when one got captured by another ship, he said parley and they, well, uhm, couldn’t kill him.”
“And why does a pirate thing bother you?”
“We... well, we are from a ship. Things work that way, I’m afraid.”, he answered while Miles was fuming.
“And what do we do now?”, Jack asked no one really.
“You can’t do nothing, Jack.”, said Ben.
“Well, maybe...”, said Kate, who had stayed on the outside until then.
“Yes?”
“Well, if this parley thing worked for prisoners, he agreed that he’s a prisoner.”
“Well, yeah. We can concede that.”, said Charlotte.
“People. I’ve got an idea.”, said Hurley. “We could sue him.”
--
“Sue?!”, was the general answer that pretty much everyone gave.
“Sure. I mean, dude, with all the stuff he did, we’ll find something to sue him for, right?”
“Maybe, but I think there are some... you know, practical problems?”, said Charlotte, not too convinced.
“Like?”
“Like, if you sue someone, you have to make a trial. And I don’t think that you have a tribunal, here. Or a lawyer. Or a judge. Or a jury. Or another lawyer, for that matter.”
“To be honest, there actually is a tribunal on the other island...”, said Jack. Everyone turned in his direction and he explained the whole situation, along with Juliet and Alex.
“I guess it’s not strictly a tribunal, but it’s good enough, I guess...”
“Well, he’d still need a lawyer.”
“Oh, if you are really so interested in doing it, I can find a lawyer. I think. And if I can’t, I’ll be my own lawyer. That is absolutely okay.”, said Ben, and everyone noticed the evil smirk he had while saying it, but dismissed it. Or tried to, anyway.
Hurley turned to Charlotte again.
“So? He’s cool with it! And he’s the defender!”
“Yeah, alright, but you should all write a denounce and then find a lawyer. And anyway, we need a judge and a jury.”
“We’ll find the lawyer. I mean, dude, lawyers are everywhere, there’s going to be one among us. About the judge and the jury...”
Hurley turned and looked at the whole crowd first, then in Jack’s direction.
“Dude, how many people of ours are back at the beach?”
“Well, only Bernard, Rose, Sun and Jin, I guess.”
“Would they sue him?”
“Sun and Jin, for sure. He sent people on their boat on that mission... Rose and Bernard, I dunno, but probably yes. I mean, Bernard almost died...”
“Oh, yeah, right. Okay, people! Is here anyone who doesn’t have a reason to sue him?”
No one moved and no one spoke.
“Dude, that’s bad.”
“Uhm, well, maybe... maybe I’ve got, you know, an idea?”, said Dan, not too convinced. Everyone now was staring at him and well, that was uncomfortable.
“What is that?”
“Maybe.. one of us, if you, you trust us, that’s a given... could, you know, be the judge and the other three could, could be in the jury. You would have just nine people to find, then.”
“That’s a cool idea, dude! Okay, I second it. Everyone has something in contrary?”
No one objected, but Charlotte was still perplexed.
“And so who would be the judge? No one of us has any law experience...”
“I’d have a suggestion.”, Sawyer said suddenly. “Why not Country Joe here? He looks pretty experienced to me.”
Frank raised an eyebrow, seemingly amused.
“Son, I actually met Country Joe and the Fish. Don’t underestimate me. Anyway, since I don’t know what the hell did this guy do to begin with, I’m okay with judging. If you are okay with it, shoot.”
Everyone seemed to like the suggestion well enough and so they settled on getting everyone on the other island with the helicopter on the next day; but there was still a pressing problem.
“Dude, we need another nine people.”
“I can find some.”, said Locke for the first time since the whole conversation started.
“Really, John? And who would you find?”
“Oh, I can get you three at least. Trust me on that. You’ll have them when the trial starts.”
Jack decided not to pursue it, knowing that it was going to be useless.
“So we still need six.”
Alex then stepped ahead.
“Jack.. well, I’d probably be in the suing group, but there’s still a bunch of us with Richard who have gone. They wouldn’t sue him, but they wouldn’t defend him either and except from Richard, no one knew a lot about him. I could find a way to call them from Hydra Island?”
“We’d get six people?”
“Sure. They’d take two or three days to arrive, but we would.”
“That’s awesome. Okay, so we have the jury. What else would we need?”, said Hurley, looking quite accomplished with himself.
“To sue me. And someone to write the verbal.”, said Ben, earning a slap from Danielle.
“I can write the verbal.”, said Charlotte. “I always write the verbals at every meeting of the Anthropology department at university. And I don’t have to testify or stuff.”
“Cool, that’s great.”
Desmond, at that point, went to Jack.
“Brother, since we all agree on this, I’d say we close him down somewhere, get into a house, write our denounce and find a lawyer. The less that bloke’s around, the better I like it.”
“You’re right. Locke, get him to a cellar or something and then join us in his living room, alright?”
Locke nodded and took Ben away to the game room again. Frank, Dan, Charlotte and Miles asked Juliet for a couple of houses they could use for the night and went to relocate,; the whole survivors group took a seat in Ben’s living room while Juliet went back to the beach to get Sun and Jin. Because the main point now wasn’t to actually write the denounce, but to find a lawyer.
Jack opened himself a can of Dharma beer that was in the fridge, leaned against a counter and had a look at all the people in front of him right then.
Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Hurley, Locke, Desmond, Alex, Karl, Danielle, Sayid. No one striked him as a lawyer, but well... asking was always a given, right?
“So... is there anyone here who is, well, a lawyer? Or has studied law?”
He half expected no one answering, but when it happened, everything looked much more complicated.
“People, we can’t go without a lawyer. Anyone who knows something about law? Anything? Kate, maybe...”
Kate shook her head.
“I was on the other side, Jack. And I never cared for the light side of the force.”
“Great. Hurley?”
“Dude, I couldn’t even watch Perry Mason because it was too boring.”
“Sawyer, I guess you..”
“You guess damn well right.”
“Claire?”
“Sorry, no. I studied literature.”
“Desmond?”
“I was a set designer, brother.”
Like that meant something.
“Sayid?”
“You do not want him judged by the Iraqui law system, Jack.”
“Well, you know, it’d probably be better but I get it. John?”
“Law was never my field, Jack.”
Alex shook her head, Danielle tightened an arm around her shoulders and shook her head, too. Then Karl actually decided to speak, even if he wasn’t too sure whether it was the case.
“Is a lawyer really necessary? I mean, we go as a group, maybe...”
“You can’t be without a lawyer for a fuckin’ process, Eric Black.”, said Sawyer without too much enthusiasm while opening himself a can of beer from the fridge.
Then Hurley jumped up from his seat.
“Dude. You called him Eric Black. Fuck it, they’re similar.”
“What? Hugo, the hell...”
“Oh, dude. Dude. I didn’t really peg you as the kind. But it so makes sense. And you’re so, so screwed.”
“The hell are you talkin’ about?”
“Yeah, explain us, too.”, said Jack, perplexed enough, echoed by everyone else.
“Dude. He called him Eric Black.”
“And so what? Only he knows where half of his names come from.”
“Sure, but I know this one. And people, our friend...”
“Don’t you dare say it, Hugo...”
“... is an affectionate viewer of Judging Amy. Or at least, was until the third season. ‘Cause Eric Black was totally in the third season. And he totally was similar to our dude there.”
Then there was silence and everyone was looking at Sawyer in disbelief.
“And so what?”, he said after a good minute of staring. “Yeah, so I watched that crap. Got a problem with it?”
“Dude, until when you watched it?”
“Until the end, if that makes you feel good. Why?”
“You’re totally our lawyer!”
“The fuck? Like hell...”
“Hurley, watching a cheesy tv show makes him a lawyer now?”, asked Jack, a bit perplexed.
“Dude, totally. I mean, if he remembered the Eric Black dude, it means that he followed it closely. And if he saw it until the end, he saw also the part where she’s a judge in the penal tribunal and not only in the minors’ tribunal. And watched the part with the kickass David McLaren guy, who was a lawyer, you know, a good one. And the law stuff was pretty accurate, he could pull it off!”
“Hugo, that makes me think you watched it too. Why don’t ya do this?”
“’Cause you speak much better than me. And I didn’t watch it, my mother watched it. It sucked, dude.”
“Whatever, I’m not...”
“Sawyer. He’s right. You’re our only chance. No one else could pull anything off.”, said Jack, interrupting them.
“Brother, I’m with ‘em.”
“James, it seems like it’s your destiny.”
“Can’t be very much worse than the cages, right?”
“Freckles, shut...”
“Sawyer? Please? You know you are the only possible one.”
“Oh damn, Mamacita, please, just not you too..”
“I do think you are a very good choice.”
Even Sayid, now?!
Sawyer had a look around. Everyone, Danielle included, looked at him expectantly.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m so gonna repent if I do it.
Though he wouldn’t admit that, seeing everyone looking at him like he was the best thing invented after hot showers, he felt... well, strange. And well, maybe being useful for once wouldn’t be that bad. An maybe he actually was liking it.
He was so, so screwed.
“Alright. Alright, I’m doin’ it, but if we lose it ain’t my fault.”
Okay, maybe everyone going there to hug him or shake his hand or whatever was too much even for him but well, he had put himself in that mess, at least they acknowledged it.
They waited until Juliet came back with Sun, Jin, Rose and Bernard, who had all been informed and who all agreed to the suing; at that point Sawyer decided that they had to start doing things seriously.
“Okay, so, here we are all, I guess we should be writin’ our denounce. Right?”
The question was met by a general nod. Thanks for small favors.
“Anyone’s got anythin’ here to write it?”
“I stopped by my place.”, Juliet answered handing him a couple of pens and some forms. Which, he found out, were exactly denounce forms.
“The hell you got those for?”
“I wanted to sue him, too, once, but you know. Never got around to it.”
“Ain’t that marvelous. Okay, now, what would the charges be?”
“Mindfucking!”
“Deception!”
“Lying!”
“Murder!”
“Stealing babies!”
“Unauthorized scientific research!”
“Hey, one at a time! I didn’t understand a thing, geez. Some order, goddamnit. First of all, we sue in a group, right? How we should call ourselves?”
“815 Survivors?”, proposed Hurley.
“Like hell, brother. Me and Juliet there aren’t sure 815 survivors.”
“I’m not, too.”, said Danielle, who had opted for a Dharma beer herself and was sitting on the couch.
“And there’s us, too.”, Alex said eying Karl.
“Okay, okay, no 815 survivors. Sayid, Shannon said Craphole Island, right?”
“Yes, but..”
“How ‘bout Craphole People? Should be enough, right?”
Everyone accepted it and so Sawyer filled the sheet with Craphole People versus Benjamin Linus.
“Okay, so, one at a time, we’re writing down all our charges, alright? So, it’d be mindfucking and kidnapping for me. Freckles, guess it’s the same for you or you got anythin’ to add?”
“No, that’s alright.”
“Peachy. Doc?”
“Add tentative brainwashing for me.”
“Sure thing. Mamacita?”
“Abduction and baby stealing. Or attempted baby stealing.”
“That’s alright. Sayid?”
“Unrighteous imprisonment.”, he said rubbing his wrists.
“And we have that, too. Hugo?”
“Dude, attempted kidnapping, I guess, but you already said it, right?”
“Yeah. Mr Clean?”
“I’ll go with mindfucking.”
“Sure you ain’t forgettin’ nothing?”, he asked Sawyer looking at Locke, but he shook his head soon after. Better not to dwell in that place.
“Alright, mindfucking it is. Sunshine? You and Bruce Lee there have nothin’ to add?”
Sun spoke with Jin a bit, then turned to Sawyer.
“We have nothing to add. Those charges suit us, too.”
“Rose and Rambo Dentist, I guess it’s the same for you?”
“Sure thing, son.”, she answered while Bernard nodded.
“That’s okay. So, resident Sean Connery, what with you?”
“Apart from mindfucking, brother? Well, if the hatch was his thing, I was there for all that time ‘cause of him. Oh, and they spied us.”
“So, voyeurism and forced confinement without an intelligent reason. You alright with this?”
“Aye.”
“Good. Capulet heiress?”
“Deception, lying, blackmailing, forced confinement and sexual harassment.”
“Geez, he didn’t cut you any slack, did he. Marianne, how ‘bout you?”
“Baby stealing. Which was successful. Unfortunately.”
“Okay, added another. Sally Slingshot?”
“Well... I guess deception? I believed I was his daughter for sixteen years!”
“Geez. Alright, here it is. You?”, he asked Karl.
“What you said... I mean, imprisonment on uneven basis and mindfucking? You know, Room 23?”
“I sure as hell do. Okay, so, our charges are: mindfucking, attempted and successful baby stealing, attempted and successful kidnapping, attempted brainwashing, unrighteous imprisonment, voyeurism, forced confinement without intelligent reasons, deception, lying, blackmailing, sexual harassment. Damnit, this guy’s got somethin’. Anyone’s got to add anythin’?”
No one added anything and Sawyer had a look at the sheet, then filled it in another couple of slots, then turned to all the others.
“Alright, so, guess that for now we should all sign this. Then.. Sally Slingshot, you said you’re goin’ to call the jury people tomorrow on that other island and then we’ll have two days or three before the process starts?”
“Yeah, guess so.”
“Alright. Now, everyone firm this. Then I’m goin’ into another of these merry houses and no one’s got to even knock on my door until Country Joe without the Fish there has to bring me to the court room ‘cause I have to figure this out. In the meantime, everyone of you is a witness. And... no, okay, scratch it, I probably need someone to come once a day to give me news. Someone’s volunteering?”
“I’ll do it.”, said Jack shrugging.
“Alright, then I don’t want to see anyone else’s sorry faces until a day before the process. Then each one of you has to come to me in order to define a strategy when I’ll be askin’ you questions on the trial. That okay?”
Everyone agreed with it, so Sawyer left the sheet on a table near there and got everyone to sign it; then he nodded and asked Juliet which house was more silent and comfortable for a job like that. She thought a bit about it and sent him to her old house, which Sawyer kind of appreciated at least because it was full of books; as soon as he was in, he dropped on a couch and decided to start working on that from the morning after. He needed a break, damnit.
--
There was a shelf full of old videotapes; Sawyer wasn’t surprised at all when he found out that they were all old movies.
And since he shouldn’t have thought about the trial and he was a very logical person, he found himself on the couch, in front of a TV, watching To Kill a Mockingbird.
By the half of the movie he started to feel depressed because he knew he hadn’t got a inch of what was needed to be a lawyer. Hell, was he supposed to? When it was over, he took his head in his hands, shaking it.
“I’m so gonna fuck this up.”
“Sure, if you keep on like this.”
Okay, now he was hallucinating, too.
It couldn’t be. He was alone in there.
Or at least he thought he was, since when he turned to his right, on a armchair near the couch was sitting a man dangerously similar to Gregory Peck, dressed in a smart, blue suit.
“And who the hell are you?”
“You have just seen me, James. And you don’t need to be that harsh. I am here to help you, actually.”
“You mean you are...”
“Sure. I am Atticus Finch, who else?”
>>Part II here<<
Title: The Ben Linus Trial 1/?
Characters: All the survivors, the freighters, Ben and for now a guest star, a very special one.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: If Lost was like this, it'd be even more insane than it actually is.
Word count: A lot.
Summary: General: When Jack finally realizes that everyone has been behaving like an idiot, the Craphole People decide to sue Ben for a lot of charges. This part: the denounce is written, the lawyer is chosen and a very special spirit guide shows up.
Spoilers: Up to 'The Economist'.
A/N: first of all, this one is totally for elliotsmelliot, who threw the plot bunny at me and has been encouraging and nursing it better than I could possibly do. I hope this lives up to the expectations, though the following parts will be even more insane. That said, it's the crackiest thing I ever did, so don't expect a serious line. Oh, and if you don't have a look at this [the first character], this and this first, you'll probably won't understand a pivotal point. References to the first Pirates of the Caribbean, too (which I guess everyone knows, at least) and some Woodstock music, at least. Dead people are showing up in later chapters. Won best humorous fic at lost_fic_awards, March 2008.
Jack Shephard never was a man of literature; if he had been, he would have been able to give a proper name to what he experienced about two hours after Kate, Sayid and Miles had left.
There is a moment, in quite a lot of Joyce’s stories, where the protagonist suddenly experiences a moment in which there is a sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something, or of his life, or of the universe, or of all the rest.
Jack didn’t place his realization as epiphany, but as Juliet and Desmond entered his field of vision, his eyes suddenly widened, the light of realization dawning over them.
He stood up, trying to find some words to actually express what he had understood; after a few seconds, he ran in Juliet and Desmond’s direction. They both looked kind of relaxed, but when they saw him they exchanged a puzzled look.
“Brother, are you alright?”
“Oh, you can’t even understand why. Listen, the both of you, I.. I think I understood something.”
Juliet raised an eyebrow, while Desmond kept his perplexed expression.
“Understood something?”
”Yeah... it’s... I mean, I was thinking about Kate and Sayid going there with guns, the split, everything, and well, I realized, we’re kind of having it all wrong.”
“Jack, everyone knows this is very wrong, but...”
“No, no, you don’t understand. We completely got the wrong approach from the beginning! I mean, I get that they want to go hide and stuff, but why go there with guns like we’re at war if they just want what we want most to get rid of?”
“You mean Ben?”, she asked.
“Yeah. I mean, the guy has answers and shit, but who wants actually him around?”
“No one.”, had to admit Desmond.
“Exactly. And you know what? We think we need him because he has answers. And it’s right, but well, he will never give a single one until we are all against each other or we speak to him on personal basis. We should just get united and get him to them for once. He could give those answers or he couldn’t but sincerely, who gives a damn about Ben’s answers?”
Desmond looked at Juliet, then at Jack, while she did the same.
“Sister, you know what? He actually is right. Why didn’t anyone think about that before?”
“I really don’t know. That’s clever! But what should we do now?”
“Simple. Everyone boards on the helicopter, we get him to fly us to the barracks, we stop everything first and then, well, we do what I said?”
“Brother, this may be the best idea you had since we, uhm, crossed paths?”
“I second it. really, Jack, that’s clever. We never...”
“Yeah, sure, we never thought about it, whatever, let’s ask!”
They ran to the helicopter, where they found Frank speaking with Dan, who had thankfully stopped with experiments.
“Frank, you don’t... I mean... it’s important! And it’s not, not good!”
“Dan, it’s 31 minutes. Not years. Chill out. I mean, I saw a cow.”
“We’re talking about time differences and all you can think about is, is cows?”
“Ehm.. Dan, Frank... we actually have something to say...”, interrupted Jack after clearing his voice.
He explained the situation and when he was over, Frank nodded while Dan looked skeptical, at least.
“Well... it could work, I mean, it really isn’t that bad idea. Frank, what do you think?”
“I think he may be on to something. You know, Red Sox fans are actually dumber.”
“Whatever. Can you bring us there?”
“Well, I brought four.. I can bring five I guess, the miss here isn’t that heavy. Alright. Hop on everyone, tell me the way and we’re getting there. Fuel should be enough.”
Jack nodded and followed Frank into the helicopter, sitting next to him; Desmond, Juliet and Dan went up in the rear. Jack told Frank the way, hoping that it wasn’t going to take too much. He had an idea that things could go out of control and it really wasn’t worth it, for Ben of everyone.
They arrived over the barracks in about twenty minutes and Jack had a look outside the window.
Locke and Danielle were escorting Sayid, with Hurley behind them?
The hell had happened in one day?
“Frank, can you just... stay here? Flying but without moving?”
“I landed this thing safely after that and you think I can’t?”
“Right, sorry.”
Then Jack opened the door of the helicopter and leaned a bit out, grabbing the handle of the door on one side and the second pilot’s seat on the other.
“Brother, are you gone crazy? You’ll fall!”
“I won’t. Hey, down there!”
Suddenly everyone stopped and Sayid, Locke, Danielle and Hurley were looking at him; a few seconds after Sawyer and Kate ran out of a house, while he couldn’t see Miles but he guessed they had locked him somewhere.
Well, he had been right on something, at least.
“Doc?”, he heard Sawyer shouting.
“Yeah, me. Listen, I think we’re all making a big mistake! I mean, look at you down there!”
Hurley suddenly turned his head to the other side, while Locke’s hand taking the gun shook for a moment. Jack saw only the first, but couldn’t help smirking. At least his speeches still worked.
“Now, John. I want to land and I want to speak with everyone. I don’t want to force anyone to leave or anything, but I’m fairly sure that no one here wants to kill us or anything. Right, Dan?”
Dan, who hadn’t paid that much attention, suddenly startled.
“What? I mean..”
“Dan, shout for them. You don’t have bad intentions, right?”
Dan stood up and stood behind Jack, shouting down Of course not and feeling kind of ridiculous, but well, if Jack had an idea maybe it was for the better.
“John, can we land?”
Locke nodded and Jack closed the door, dropping on the seat, while Frank searched for a place big enough to land.
“Brother, that was stupid.”
“Thanks, Desmond.”
They landed in a clearing not too far away and when Jack arrived, he saw that John at least had kept his word. Everyone from his group was there now and everyone was looking expectantly at him and suspiciously at Dan and Frank. Miles was standing next to Locke and Charlotte, looking not amused at all.
“So, uhm, I just wanted to say. These guys here, I don’t know the two with me, but the one you got, he said he wanted Ben.”
A murmur started to rise from the crowd.
“Did you?”
“Well, yes, I did! That a problem?”
“No, not a problem. So, the point is, apart from the fact that we are divided in the first place which is, well, okay, I won’t go on this, but why should we keep him? I mean, what good does he do? We should just hand him to them and let them deal with him. Should we start to argue over Ben?”
“Doc, you have a point.”
“No, James, he doesn’t. Jack, Ben has answers.”
“Sure, and he’s been mindfucking us up to now. John, you really think that until he sees that we can be played against each other he won’t turn the situation to his advantage and he’s gonna give us any serious answer? Come on. I’d much prefer not to know any answer and let him go.”
“Doc, you definitely have a point.”, said Sawyer stepping out from the group and going near Jack’s, not leaving sides though.
“The hell we need that motherfucker for?”
Locke looked so not amused.
“We need him, James, it’s just...”
“No, he’s right.”, said Claire, stepping up. “He really is no use.”
“Dude, you’ve got a point. I’m with you. We can avoid to trust them, but I really don’t care whether they get Ben or not.”
“So what do you propose, Jack?”
“I’d say that we take him out, give him to them and then reason of what to do next instead of going all Vietnam between us.”
“I’d say the doc has never been more right since the plane crashed.”, said Sawyer nodding.
Locke turned and when he saw that even Alex was nodding at Jack, he shrugged and went to the Others’ game room; he came out with Ben a minute after. Ben, still bleeding, didn’t look at all surprised when he saw the scene.
“How sweet. Anyone’s got milk? The reunion would be perfect then.”
“Shut up.”, Sawyer muttered.
“This isn’t a reunion. Locke, free Miles. You’re going with him and from now I wash my hands off you.”
“What? Jack, you can’t! John, I have...”
“Ben. We don’t want your answers. Maybe John does, but no one here actually gives a damn about them and we had enough.”
“Well, you know what I could say, then?”
“What?”
“Parley.”
“Oh, fuck.”, Frank, Dan, Miles and Charlotte said at the same time.
Jack looked at Desmond, who shook his head and looked at Juliet, who had the same reaction and looked at Locke, who looked more puzzled than everyone else and looked at Sawyer, who shrugged and looked at Hurley, who nodded.
“Excuse me?”, said Jack, “What...?”
“Doc, you ain’t tellin’ me you don’t know what parley is.”
Everyone but Hurley, the freighters and Ben shrugged.
“Oh, damn.”
“Dude, you didn’t even see Pirates of the Caribbean? That’s lame.”
“Hurley, what..”
“I’ll.. uhm, explain?”, offered Dan.
“I’d like it.”
“Parley it’s... well, it was... was a thing that pirates had. You know, when one got captured by another ship, he said parley and they, well, uhm, couldn’t kill him.”
“And why does a pirate thing bother you?”
“We... well, we are from a ship. Things work that way, I’m afraid.”, he answered while Miles was fuming.
“And what do we do now?”, Jack asked no one really.
“You can’t do nothing, Jack.”, said Ben.
“Well, maybe...”, said Kate, who had stayed on the outside until then.
“Yes?”
“Well, if this parley thing worked for prisoners, he agreed that he’s a prisoner.”
“Well, yeah. We can concede that.”, said Charlotte.
“People. I’ve got an idea.”, said Hurley. “We could sue him.”
--
“Sue?!”, was the general answer that pretty much everyone gave.
“Sure. I mean, dude, with all the stuff he did, we’ll find something to sue him for, right?”
“Maybe, but I think there are some... you know, practical problems?”, said Charlotte, not too convinced.
“Like?”
“Like, if you sue someone, you have to make a trial. And I don’t think that you have a tribunal, here. Or a lawyer. Or a judge. Or a jury. Or another lawyer, for that matter.”
“To be honest, there actually is a tribunal on the other island...”, said Jack. Everyone turned in his direction and he explained the whole situation, along with Juliet and Alex.
“I guess it’s not strictly a tribunal, but it’s good enough, I guess...”
“Well, he’d still need a lawyer.”
“Oh, if you are really so interested in doing it, I can find a lawyer. I think. And if I can’t, I’ll be my own lawyer. That is absolutely okay.”, said Ben, and everyone noticed the evil smirk he had while saying it, but dismissed it. Or tried to, anyway.
Hurley turned to Charlotte again.
“So? He’s cool with it! And he’s the defender!”
“Yeah, alright, but you should all write a denounce and then find a lawyer. And anyway, we need a judge and a jury.”
“We’ll find the lawyer. I mean, dude, lawyers are everywhere, there’s going to be one among us. About the judge and the jury...”
Hurley turned and looked at the whole crowd first, then in Jack’s direction.
“Dude, how many people of ours are back at the beach?”
“Well, only Bernard, Rose, Sun and Jin, I guess.”
“Would they sue him?”
“Sun and Jin, for sure. He sent people on their boat on that mission... Rose and Bernard, I dunno, but probably yes. I mean, Bernard almost died...”
“Oh, yeah, right. Okay, people! Is here anyone who doesn’t have a reason to sue him?”
No one moved and no one spoke.
“Dude, that’s bad.”
“Uhm, well, maybe... maybe I’ve got, you know, an idea?”, said Dan, not too convinced. Everyone now was staring at him and well, that was uncomfortable.
“What is that?”
“Maybe.. one of us, if you, you trust us, that’s a given... could, you know, be the judge and the other three could, could be in the jury. You would have just nine people to find, then.”
“That’s a cool idea, dude! Okay, I second it. Everyone has something in contrary?”
No one objected, but Charlotte was still perplexed.
“And so who would be the judge? No one of us has any law experience...”
“I’d have a suggestion.”, Sawyer said suddenly. “Why not Country Joe here? He looks pretty experienced to me.”
Frank raised an eyebrow, seemingly amused.
“Son, I actually met Country Joe and the Fish. Don’t underestimate me. Anyway, since I don’t know what the hell did this guy do to begin with, I’m okay with judging. If you are okay with it, shoot.”
Everyone seemed to like the suggestion well enough and so they settled on getting everyone on the other island with the helicopter on the next day; but there was still a pressing problem.
“Dude, we need another nine people.”
“I can find some.”, said Locke for the first time since the whole conversation started.
“Really, John? And who would you find?”
“Oh, I can get you three at least. Trust me on that. You’ll have them when the trial starts.”
Jack decided not to pursue it, knowing that it was going to be useless.
“So we still need six.”
Alex then stepped ahead.
“Jack.. well, I’d probably be in the suing group, but there’s still a bunch of us with Richard who have gone. They wouldn’t sue him, but they wouldn’t defend him either and except from Richard, no one knew a lot about him. I could find a way to call them from Hydra Island?”
“We’d get six people?”
“Sure. They’d take two or three days to arrive, but we would.”
“That’s awesome. Okay, so we have the jury. What else would we need?”, said Hurley, looking quite accomplished with himself.
“To sue me. And someone to write the verbal.”, said Ben, earning a slap from Danielle.
“I can write the verbal.”, said Charlotte. “I always write the verbals at every meeting of the Anthropology department at university. And I don’t have to testify or stuff.”
“Cool, that’s great.”
Desmond, at that point, went to Jack.
“Brother, since we all agree on this, I’d say we close him down somewhere, get into a house, write our denounce and find a lawyer. The less that bloke’s around, the better I like it.”
“You’re right. Locke, get him to a cellar or something and then join us in his living room, alright?”
Locke nodded and took Ben away to the game room again. Frank, Dan, Charlotte and Miles asked Juliet for a couple of houses they could use for the night and went to relocate,; the whole survivors group took a seat in Ben’s living room while Juliet went back to the beach to get Sun and Jin. Because the main point now wasn’t to actually write the denounce, but to find a lawyer.
Jack opened himself a can of Dharma beer that was in the fridge, leaned against a counter and had a look at all the people in front of him right then.
Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Hurley, Locke, Desmond, Alex, Karl, Danielle, Sayid. No one striked him as a lawyer, but well... asking was always a given, right?
“So... is there anyone here who is, well, a lawyer? Or has studied law?”
He half expected no one answering, but when it happened, everything looked much more complicated.
“People, we can’t go without a lawyer. Anyone who knows something about law? Anything? Kate, maybe...”
Kate shook her head.
“I was on the other side, Jack. And I never cared for the light side of the force.”
“Great. Hurley?”
“Dude, I couldn’t even watch Perry Mason because it was too boring.”
“Sawyer, I guess you..”
“You guess damn well right.”
“Claire?”
“Sorry, no. I studied literature.”
“Desmond?”
“I was a set designer, brother.”
Like that meant something.
“Sayid?”
“You do not want him judged by the Iraqui law system, Jack.”
“Well, you know, it’d probably be better but I get it. John?”
“Law was never my field, Jack.”
Alex shook her head, Danielle tightened an arm around her shoulders and shook her head, too. Then Karl actually decided to speak, even if he wasn’t too sure whether it was the case.
“Is a lawyer really necessary? I mean, we go as a group, maybe...”
“You can’t be without a lawyer for a fuckin’ process, Eric Black.”, said Sawyer without too much enthusiasm while opening himself a can of beer from the fridge.
Then Hurley jumped up from his seat.
“Dude. You called him Eric Black. Fuck it, they’re similar.”
“What? Hugo, the hell...”
“Oh, dude. Dude. I didn’t really peg you as the kind. But it so makes sense. And you’re so, so screwed.”
“The hell are you talkin’ about?”
“Yeah, explain us, too.”, said Jack, perplexed enough, echoed by everyone else.
“Dude. He called him Eric Black.”
“And so what? Only he knows where half of his names come from.”
“Sure, but I know this one. And people, our friend...”
“Don’t you dare say it, Hugo...”
“... is an affectionate viewer of Judging Amy. Or at least, was until the third season. ‘Cause Eric Black was totally in the third season. And he totally was similar to our dude there.”
Then there was silence and everyone was looking at Sawyer in disbelief.
“And so what?”, he said after a good minute of staring. “Yeah, so I watched that crap. Got a problem with it?”
“Dude, until when you watched it?”
“Until the end, if that makes you feel good. Why?”
“You’re totally our lawyer!”
“The fuck? Like hell...”
“Hurley, watching a cheesy tv show makes him a lawyer now?”, asked Jack, a bit perplexed.
“Dude, totally. I mean, if he remembered the Eric Black dude, it means that he followed it closely. And if he saw it until the end, he saw also the part where she’s a judge in the penal tribunal and not only in the minors’ tribunal. And watched the part with the kickass David McLaren guy, who was a lawyer, you know, a good one. And the law stuff was pretty accurate, he could pull it off!”
“Hugo, that makes me think you watched it too. Why don’t ya do this?”
“’Cause you speak much better than me. And I didn’t watch it, my mother watched it. It sucked, dude.”
“Whatever, I’m not...”
“Sawyer. He’s right. You’re our only chance. No one else could pull anything off.”, said Jack, interrupting them.
“Brother, I’m with ‘em.”
“James, it seems like it’s your destiny.”
“Can’t be very much worse than the cages, right?”
“Freckles, shut...”
“Sawyer? Please? You know you are the only possible one.”
“Oh damn, Mamacita, please, just not you too..”
“I do think you are a very good choice.”
Even Sayid, now?!
Sawyer had a look around. Everyone, Danielle included, looked at him expectantly.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m so gonna repent if I do it.
Though he wouldn’t admit that, seeing everyone looking at him like he was the best thing invented after hot showers, he felt... well, strange. And well, maybe being useful for once wouldn’t be that bad. An maybe he actually was liking it.
He was so, so screwed.
“Alright. Alright, I’m doin’ it, but if we lose it ain’t my fault.”
Okay, maybe everyone going there to hug him or shake his hand or whatever was too much even for him but well, he had put himself in that mess, at least they acknowledged it.
They waited until Juliet came back with Sun, Jin, Rose and Bernard, who had all been informed and who all agreed to the suing; at that point Sawyer decided that they had to start doing things seriously.
“Okay, so, here we are all, I guess we should be writin’ our denounce. Right?”
The question was met by a general nod. Thanks for small favors.
“Anyone’s got anythin’ here to write it?”
“I stopped by my place.”, Juliet answered handing him a couple of pens and some forms. Which, he found out, were exactly denounce forms.
“The hell you got those for?”
“I wanted to sue him, too, once, but you know. Never got around to it.”
“Ain’t that marvelous. Okay, now, what would the charges be?”
“Mindfucking!”
“Deception!”
“Lying!”
“Murder!”
“Stealing babies!”
“Unauthorized scientific research!”
“Hey, one at a time! I didn’t understand a thing, geez. Some order, goddamnit. First of all, we sue in a group, right? How we should call ourselves?”
“815 Survivors?”, proposed Hurley.
“Like hell, brother. Me and Juliet there aren’t sure 815 survivors.”
“I’m not, too.”, said Danielle, who had opted for a Dharma beer herself and was sitting on the couch.
“And there’s us, too.”, Alex said eying Karl.
“Okay, okay, no 815 survivors. Sayid, Shannon said Craphole Island, right?”
“Yes, but..”
“How ‘bout Craphole People? Should be enough, right?”
Everyone accepted it and so Sawyer filled the sheet with Craphole People versus Benjamin Linus.
“Okay, so, one at a time, we’re writing down all our charges, alright? So, it’d be mindfucking and kidnapping for me. Freckles, guess it’s the same for you or you got anythin’ to add?”
“No, that’s alright.”
“Peachy. Doc?”
“Add tentative brainwashing for me.”
“Sure thing. Mamacita?”
“Abduction and baby stealing. Or attempted baby stealing.”
“That’s alright. Sayid?”
“Unrighteous imprisonment.”, he said rubbing his wrists.
“And we have that, too. Hugo?”
“Dude, attempted kidnapping, I guess, but you already said it, right?”
“Yeah. Mr Clean?”
“I’ll go with mindfucking.”
“Sure you ain’t forgettin’ nothing?”, he asked Sawyer looking at Locke, but he shook his head soon after. Better not to dwell in that place.
“Alright, mindfucking it is. Sunshine? You and Bruce Lee there have nothin’ to add?”
Sun spoke with Jin a bit, then turned to Sawyer.
“We have nothing to add. Those charges suit us, too.”
“Rose and Rambo Dentist, I guess it’s the same for you?”
“Sure thing, son.”, she answered while Bernard nodded.
“That’s okay. So, resident Sean Connery, what with you?”
“Apart from mindfucking, brother? Well, if the hatch was his thing, I was there for all that time ‘cause of him. Oh, and they spied us.”
“So, voyeurism and forced confinement without an intelligent reason. You alright with this?”
“Aye.”
“Good. Capulet heiress?”
“Deception, lying, blackmailing, forced confinement and sexual harassment.”
“Geez, he didn’t cut you any slack, did he. Marianne, how ‘bout you?”
“Baby stealing. Which was successful. Unfortunately.”
“Okay, added another. Sally Slingshot?”
“Well... I guess deception? I believed I was his daughter for sixteen years!”
“Geez. Alright, here it is. You?”, he asked Karl.
“What you said... I mean, imprisonment on uneven basis and mindfucking? You know, Room 23?”
“I sure as hell do. Okay, so, our charges are: mindfucking, attempted and successful baby stealing, attempted and successful kidnapping, attempted brainwashing, unrighteous imprisonment, voyeurism, forced confinement without intelligent reasons, deception, lying, blackmailing, sexual harassment. Damnit, this guy’s got somethin’. Anyone’s got to add anythin’?”
No one added anything and Sawyer had a look at the sheet, then filled it in another couple of slots, then turned to all the others.
“Alright, so, guess that for now we should all sign this. Then.. Sally Slingshot, you said you’re goin’ to call the jury people tomorrow on that other island and then we’ll have two days or three before the process starts?”
“Yeah, guess so.”
“Alright. Now, everyone firm this. Then I’m goin’ into another of these merry houses and no one’s got to even knock on my door until Country Joe without the Fish there has to bring me to the court room ‘cause I have to figure this out. In the meantime, everyone of you is a witness. And... no, okay, scratch it, I probably need someone to come once a day to give me news. Someone’s volunteering?”
“I’ll do it.”, said Jack shrugging.
“Alright, then I don’t want to see anyone else’s sorry faces until a day before the process. Then each one of you has to come to me in order to define a strategy when I’ll be askin’ you questions on the trial. That okay?”
Everyone agreed with it, so Sawyer left the sheet on a table near there and got everyone to sign it; then he nodded and asked Juliet which house was more silent and comfortable for a job like that. She thought a bit about it and sent him to her old house, which Sawyer kind of appreciated at least because it was full of books; as soon as he was in, he dropped on a couch and decided to start working on that from the morning after. He needed a break, damnit.
--
There was a shelf full of old videotapes; Sawyer wasn’t surprised at all when he found out that they were all old movies.
And since he shouldn’t have thought about the trial and he was a very logical person, he found himself on the couch, in front of a TV, watching To Kill a Mockingbird.
By the half of the movie he started to feel depressed because he knew he hadn’t got a inch of what was needed to be a lawyer. Hell, was he supposed to? When it was over, he took his head in his hands, shaking it.
“I’m so gonna fuck this up.”
“Sure, if you keep on like this.”
Okay, now he was hallucinating, too.
It couldn’t be. He was alone in there.
Or at least he thought he was, since when he turned to his right, on a armchair near the couch was sitting a man dangerously similar to Gregory Peck, dressed in a smart, blue suit.
“And who the hell are you?”
“You have just seen me, James. And you don’t need to be that harsh. I am here to help you, actually.”
“You mean you are...”
“Sure. I am Atticus Finch, who else?”
>>Part II here<<