Quick Update
I know I really should make a proper update, but I'm so exhausted right now.
I really need to process my grief (and various other emotions), and writing it out, so I can pinpoint what my biggest issues are would really help. But, again. I'm tired.
There are several things for which I am grateful.....and proud of myself. I have achieved a lot lately. Yet it seems so hard to celebrate or appreciate myself, because of the other things going on.
For some reasons, I just don't feel good enough, like I have to be perfect, just to be seen as satisfactory. Yet, it's hard to let go of that desire to be appreciated. I can find a way, though, to accept that some people won't appreciate me in the ways I want to be appreciated.
Lots of people have been dying lately, although not people I knew all that well. The bulk of my grief, however, is over a person who is still alive. This person is still alive, but his brain is slowly failing him. Dementia is horrible. My first step was to research how to treat people with dementia and how to respond to their needs, questions, repeated stories, and when they get upset. The most important thing is empathy. And patience. I am treasuring what moments I do have left. I don't want to go into too much detail. He deserves his privacy. But, I want to share his stories, his memories, what I've learned from him over the years. He was inspirational to me.
But, I don't hate or get annoyed by his repetitive stories. This is my chance to really learn them. His past is fascinating. Yet, at the same time, I want to cry, because I miss who he used to be, so bright and sharp. Now, he is still very intelligent, but also very forgetful.
It is hard to mourn someone who is still sometimes there. Someone who used to be independent, but now struggles, because he can't be as helpful as he used to be. I see parts of him in me, some habits I've picked up. (I'm going to work on some of them. Sometimes the desire to not be a burden actually turns you into more of a burden.)
But, he is still often very sweet and kind, and he adores his wife. Their relationship is a team, and I admire that.
I really need to process my grief (and various other emotions), and writing it out, so I can pinpoint what my biggest issues are would really help. But, again. I'm tired.
There are several things for which I am grateful.....and proud of myself. I have achieved a lot lately. Yet it seems so hard to celebrate or appreciate myself, because of the other things going on.
For some reasons, I just don't feel good enough, like I have to be perfect, just to be seen as satisfactory. Yet, it's hard to let go of that desire to be appreciated. I can find a way, though, to accept that some people won't appreciate me in the ways I want to be appreciated.
Lots of people have been dying lately, although not people I knew all that well. The bulk of my grief, however, is over a person who is still alive. This person is still alive, but his brain is slowly failing him. Dementia is horrible. My first step was to research how to treat people with dementia and how to respond to their needs, questions, repeated stories, and when they get upset. The most important thing is empathy. And patience. I am treasuring what moments I do have left. I don't want to go into too much detail. He deserves his privacy. But, I want to share his stories, his memories, what I've learned from him over the years. He was inspirational to me.
But, I don't hate or get annoyed by his repetitive stories. This is my chance to really learn them. His past is fascinating. Yet, at the same time, I want to cry, because I miss who he used to be, so bright and sharp. Now, he is still very intelligent, but also very forgetful.
It is hard to mourn someone who is still sometimes there. Someone who used to be independent, but now struggles, because he can't be as helpful as he used to be. I see parts of him in me, some habits I've picked up. (I'm going to work on some of them. Sometimes the desire to not be a burden actually turns you into more of a burden.)
But, he is still often very sweet and kind, and he adores his wife. Their relationship is a team, and I admire that.