Life update
Grad school is scary sometimes. It's so easy to feel incompetent.
I'm feeling especially angry today about my childhood. My brothers were mean to me and they still laugh about it today.
I didn't learn how to make proper social interactions. I was taught to be timid and afraid (and that people wouldn't like me.) So, they didn't. Well, I was also in a small town, so it's much easier to be the odd one out in a small pool of people where all the other pools are a ways away.
I came to the realization over the past couple weeks that I've learned a lot about social interactions (particularly assertiveness, especially in situations of sexual harassment) from TV. Who would have thought that TV could help me be a functioning human being? I certainly didn't learn it at home. (Well, I guess I did learn what I didn't like, but I didn't have control of it.)
I haven't cut myself since about November 4. But I've sure wanted to. In some ways it's soothing. In other ways, I feel like I need punishment. I'm too hard on myself I guess. I read in the NY Times earlier today about a study that said that's bad for you and that self-sympathy is actually beneficial for one's general health (and mental health, of course.) I'm trying to learn the skills/tricks.
Emotions are so fucking irrational. I hate them. Even when my rational mind tells me I'm capable and worthy, my emotions kinda take over. I've been learning some skills and tricks at therapy, but a bunch of the stuff is kind of a waste of time (it feels like.) So methodical to the point of ritual. Plus, I'm a scientist--I can't not analyze/judge my observations (or at least wonder about them).
I've had nightmares almost every night for the past 2 weeks or so. Sleep isn't very restful.
I can't wait for all this fucking snow to melt, so I can spend more time outside. More sunlight, blooming plants, warmth. I look forward to spring. It can't come soon enough.
I'm feeling especially angry today about my childhood. My brothers were mean to me and they still laugh about it today.
I didn't learn how to make proper social interactions. I was taught to be timid and afraid (and that people wouldn't like me.) So, they didn't. Well, I was also in a small town, so it's much easier to be the odd one out in a small pool of people where all the other pools are a ways away.
I came to the realization over the past couple weeks that I've learned a lot about social interactions (particularly assertiveness, especially in situations of sexual harassment) from TV. Who would have thought that TV could help me be a functioning human being? I certainly didn't learn it at home. (Well, I guess I did learn what I didn't like, but I didn't have control of it.)
I haven't cut myself since about November 4. But I've sure wanted to. In some ways it's soothing. In other ways, I feel like I need punishment. I'm too hard on myself I guess. I read in the NY Times earlier today about a study that said that's bad for you and that self-sympathy is actually beneficial for one's general health (and mental health, of course.) I'm trying to learn the skills/tricks.
Emotions are so fucking irrational. I hate them. Even when my rational mind tells me I'm capable and worthy, my emotions kinda take over. I've been learning some skills and tricks at therapy, but a bunch of the stuff is kind of a waste of time (it feels like.) So methodical to the point of ritual. Plus, I'm a scientist--I can't not analyze/judge my observations (or at least wonder about them).
I've had nightmares almost every night for the past 2 weeks or so. Sleep isn't very restful.
I can't wait for all this fucking snow to melt, so I can spend more time outside. More sunlight, blooming plants, warmth. I look forward to spring. It can't come soon enough.