me being a wisened sage on love for no reason
this is probably the song of basically every young couple frustrated with the romantic limitations of youth, but i don't care because it just says it so well...AND it's such a great song! my ringtone when chris calls me :)
chris and i have now been together for over 6 months which is insane to me. granted the first month was kinda shaky and/or unofficial but we passed the 6 month mark for acknowledging our feelings for each other. it's easily and by far the best relationship i've ever been in, which doesn't even emphasize enough what i mean but even i must admit that words can only take you so far. i think i love him more than all of the love, like and attraction i've ever felt for every boy in my life combined. and what feels EXTRA nice is that he actually, truly deserves it. and obviously that he feels the same way too is pretty cool.
for once i feel like we're on the same 'team'. we're not hiding anything or uncomfortable, there's no other agenda, we just love and care about each other and that's the basis for everything. there's no trying to get into the other person's head and we're past 'mystery' and other games, it's really relaxing. in the past i've wanted love to work so badly that even though i could feel something fundamentally wrong in a relationship i would ignore it and hope it went away. part of the merit of my early resistance is that i know that i didn't get into it because i was desperate for it to work. the idea of security is foreign and pretty incredible.
chris could also pretty much be a boyfriend professionally. the last two times i've seen him he's bought me roses, i took pictures and made them the background of my phone :) one thing i've learned about guys is that when it comes to girls, there are some things they just don't get. to put it nicely. even though in a girl's dream their boyfriend would know exactly what to say, understand their complicated thinking, etc, guys basically don't. historically speaking, for me, the results of this divide have left me feeling pretty shitty...and what i'm saying is not that chris 'gets it' in that dream guy way, but that he cares enough to try to understand. so i tell him. i guess i've learned enough to drop the hope of that 'ideal guy', and appreciate the idea of a guy who actually cares about me so much that he'll put forth the effort to understand my complicated girl-thoughts. cause i guess to guys girls are pretty confusing. he's done so much for my sense of self-worth...not just because of how much he values me (i can barely even believe how much he loves me...sometimes i still can't believe I'M actually in this situation!) but because of how conducive this relationship has been with my development of self respect. the most important thing (at least a really important thing) is NEVER hand yourself over to someone to the point that your happiness depends entirely on that person. it's just a stupid destructive thing to do. if you don't treat yourself with respect you're going to have a lot of trouble finding someone else who does.
we had a conversation tonight and i guess the fear that i might be suddenly dropped lingers a little bit...not so much with him. we know that we're going to be together for a while. who knows how long. but i guess he has more of a handle on things than i was giving him credit for, i used to be really idealistic when it came to relationships and that leads to getting hurt a lot more, and i was scared that he was a little like that and wanted to protect him. even though getting your heart broken is one of the most important experiences you can ever have, i think. but i guess he knows what's up.
i didn't really have a thesis with that, but i am very much (legitimately for once) in love. and extra unusually very much loved back. it feels good. like REALLY good, i think we couldn't love each other more but we do every day and i can actually say that with confidence. i am so lucky for him to love me. people live their lives to be loved like he loves me. but i realize that this is what relationships are supposed to be like, (on this side of the fence that is, obviously there is merit to being with someone even if you're not head over heels for them) and relationships that people stay in for the sake of desperately wanting the real thing, or where they're not appreciated, or listened to, or worked for are just a disrespect to themselves. it's pretty hard to accept that reality is not what you hoped it to be and to then get out of that situation when the hopeful part of you is begging you to stay. but respecting yourself feels a lot better than those sporadic and insufficient instances of attention. i really believe that every person has some part of them that isn't blinded by love (or infatutation) and actually knows the truth. this part is what you need to listen to. which is really hard. at least it was for me.
so that turned into like, me giving love advice. and me esentially chastising my past self. but, to sum up and conclude, following the love advice path, i will simply say this: anonymous past guys have made me feel like less than myself. chris makes me feel like more than myself. guys (or girls) who make you feel like less than yourself are a waste of your time no matter what that desperately hopeful part of you is begging you to do.
well, cool. i meant to write a few words about chris (of course i did) and that went quite a bit further.
chris and i have now been together for over 6 months which is insane to me. granted the first month was kinda shaky and/or unofficial but we passed the 6 month mark for acknowledging our feelings for each other. it's easily and by far the best relationship i've ever been in, which doesn't even emphasize enough what i mean but even i must admit that words can only take you so far. i think i love him more than all of the love, like and attraction i've ever felt for every boy in my life combined. and what feels EXTRA nice is that he actually, truly deserves it. and obviously that he feels the same way too is pretty cool.
for once i feel like we're on the same 'team'. we're not hiding anything or uncomfortable, there's no other agenda, we just love and care about each other and that's the basis for everything. there's no trying to get into the other person's head and we're past 'mystery' and other games, it's really relaxing. in the past i've wanted love to work so badly that even though i could feel something fundamentally wrong in a relationship i would ignore it and hope it went away. part of the merit of my early resistance is that i know that i didn't get into it because i was desperate for it to work. the idea of security is foreign and pretty incredible.
chris could also pretty much be a boyfriend professionally. the last two times i've seen him he's bought me roses, i took pictures and made them the background of my phone :) one thing i've learned about guys is that when it comes to girls, there are some things they just don't get. to put it nicely. even though in a girl's dream their boyfriend would know exactly what to say, understand their complicated thinking, etc, guys basically don't. historically speaking, for me, the results of this divide have left me feeling pretty shitty...and what i'm saying is not that chris 'gets it' in that dream guy way, but that he cares enough to try to understand. so i tell him. i guess i've learned enough to drop the hope of that 'ideal guy', and appreciate the idea of a guy who actually cares about me so much that he'll put forth the effort to understand my complicated girl-thoughts. cause i guess to guys girls are pretty confusing. he's done so much for my sense of self-worth...not just because of how much he values me (i can barely even believe how much he loves me...sometimes i still can't believe I'M actually in this situation!) but because of how conducive this relationship has been with my development of self respect. the most important thing (at least a really important thing) is NEVER hand yourself over to someone to the point that your happiness depends entirely on that person. it's just a stupid destructive thing to do. if you don't treat yourself with respect you're going to have a lot of trouble finding someone else who does.
we had a conversation tonight and i guess the fear that i might be suddenly dropped lingers a little bit...not so much with him. we know that we're going to be together for a while. who knows how long. but i guess he has more of a handle on things than i was giving him credit for, i used to be really idealistic when it came to relationships and that leads to getting hurt a lot more, and i was scared that he was a little like that and wanted to protect him. even though getting your heart broken is one of the most important experiences you can ever have, i think. but i guess he knows what's up.
i didn't really have a thesis with that, but i am very much (legitimately for once) in love. and extra unusually very much loved back. it feels good. like REALLY good, i think we couldn't love each other more but we do every day and i can actually say that with confidence. i am so lucky for him to love me. people live their lives to be loved like he loves me. but i realize that this is what relationships are supposed to be like, (on this side of the fence that is, obviously there is merit to being with someone even if you're not head over heels for them) and relationships that people stay in for the sake of desperately wanting the real thing, or where they're not appreciated, or listened to, or worked for are just a disrespect to themselves. it's pretty hard to accept that reality is not what you hoped it to be and to then get out of that situation when the hopeful part of you is begging you to stay. but respecting yourself feels a lot better than those sporadic and insufficient instances of attention. i really believe that every person has some part of them that isn't blinded by love (or infatutation) and actually knows the truth. this part is what you need to listen to. which is really hard. at least it was for me.
so that turned into like, me giving love advice. and me esentially chastising my past self. but, to sum up and conclude, following the love advice path, i will simply say this: anonymous past guys have made me feel like less than myself. chris makes me feel like more than myself. guys (or girls) who make you feel like less than yourself are a waste of your time no matter what that desperately hopeful part of you is begging you to do.
well, cool. i meant to write a few words about chris (of course i did) and that went quite a bit further.