if you dont want to hear bitching dont read this
the events of tonight can be discussed later. parts of tonight were less fun than doing my math homework.
i like math.
but not that much.
every morning i walk into my health class and i hear the reasons (more and more every day) why i am destined to die earlier. if i didnt think that my heriedity, smoking, reckless behavior, poor diet, being a male was bad enough for my potential age.... i had to watch this:
apparently mice who bald faster bald faster because they lose special divider cells on the ends of their cells, as their cells divide faster. these mice die much sooner than other mice. do i need to mention that my hairline is already 1/4 to the vertex of my head? no more lies. i know im balding. im 17. how great. no hair club for men or rogaine can fix me. i think rogaine is just making me bald faster because its so much fucking effort.
apparently if i ate like a rabbit every day in my life, i would have not a single mutant cell in my body and i could live to the age of 120. hell fucking yes. let me eat like an anorexic schoolgirl, i will be much happier.
i think my spine is crooked. my parents agree with me my spine is crooked. this means that my back problems werent just in my head all along.
im turning fucking 80 already and im 17. what the hell is wrong with me?
another issue.... i feel like i have been neglected from a gay community that i helped build. maybe its self-centered of me to say that i am a big link between everyone, but maybe im right. i know why im excluded from gay outings with the girls.... and i know its not just my personality. well, why not just say fuck them like i always have? because i know this represents what is going to happen to me all of my life.
im sick of guys anyways and im sick of hooking up with people just because im bored. celebacy until college unless something comes up. oh, and not before my senior pictures..... i need to GLOW.
i like school..... a lot..... like its a problem.
i got my windows tinted..... dark.
who cares?
mystic tanning is the way to go. 18 seconds each side.... a quick spray and youre done. one problem..... it reminds me of what i think a gas chamber would feel like because it doesnt feel like water or anything, just a mist of gas. it was scary as all hell. like i was shaking.
jesse lisa and i drove around, went to paparatzi.... which was really good. then we bought random stuff at savon, like balls and silly string. saw aaron b and picked him up. inflated my tires because i had a flat. got annoyed with so many people in the car and so much talking and so much ordering around and shit. it was much better just lisa jesse and i.... not that i dont like lacey and aaron. not at all, i just got annoyed and had to go home. i just feel angry for some reason.
im just mad at the world.
leave me to myself. and carolyn. and emily, alix, beckee, and abby. i have really enjoyed doing what i have been doing. whatever that is. even if it does mean puking in a toilet bowl and drinking lotion. i dont care what anyone says about my good friends. i know they love me and thats all that matters. carolyn wouldnt come over so much when i was grounded. emily wouldnt act like my mother and laugh at my jokes. beckee wouldnt drive around with me and spend time with me. abby wouldnt read me poetry and cry on my shoulder. all my friends-- not just the ones i listed here love me and i am thankful for that.
jesse and lisa--- i had a very good time alone with you two tonight. thanks for trying to do what you did for me, if you know what im saying..... we should do it again.
im really worried about carolyn and aaron. i can just see them becoming a lauren and greg. theres nothing wrong with lauren and greg at all but it just makes me really sad that i only see her in school anymore. she doesnt call me or carolyn anymore and i just miss her. they have all their lives to be married, but yet they choose now to act like it. i want lauren back. carolyn assures me that im important to her and that i wont lose touch with her just because she has aaron. i hope shes right. its funny cuz i never admired her as much as i do now until i got to know her one on one. shes an amazing girl.
the pictures on my walls remind me of the old times.
this is senior year. no more drama in our lives.
wheres meghan? god, its so funny my best friend has left be to fend for myself this year. thanks to her, i have my wings. now i just have to learn how to use them. i cant go to her anymore to worry or anything. i miss her a lot. college sucks. at least shes having a good time.
i am too. goodnight. sorry for bitching, if you actually read this.
i like math.
but not that much.
every morning i walk into my health class and i hear the reasons (more and more every day) why i am destined to die earlier. if i didnt think that my heriedity, smoking, reckless behavior, poor diet, being a male was bad enough for my potential age.... i had to watch this:
apparently mice who bald faster bald faster because they lose special divider cells on the ends of their cells, as their cells divide faster. these mice die much sooner than other mice. do i need to mention that my hairline is already 1/4 to the vertex of my head? no more lies. i know im balding. im 17. how great. no hair club for men or rogaine can fix me. i think rogaine is just making me bald faster because its so much fucking effort.
apparently if i ate like a rabbit every day in my life, i would have not a single mutant cell in my body and i could live to the age of 120. hell fucking yes. let me eat like an anorexic schoolgirl, i will be much happier.
i think my spine is crooked. my parents agree with me my spine is crooked. this means that my back problems werent just in my head all along.
im turning fucking 80 already and im 17. what the hell is wrong with me?
another issue.... i feel like i have been neglected from a gay community that i helped build. maybe its self-centered of me to say that i am a big link between everyone, but maybe im right. i know why im excluded from gay outings with the girls.... and i know its not just my personality. well, why not just say fuck them like i always have? because i know this represents what is going to happen to me all of my life.
im sick of guys anyways and im sick of hooking up with people just because im bored. celebacy until college unless something comes up. oh, and not before my senior pictures..... i need to GLOW.
i like school..... a lot..... like its a problem.
i got my windows tinted..... dark.
who cares?
mystic tanning is the way to go. 18 seconds each side.... a quick spray and youre done. one problem..... it reminds me of what i think a gas chamber would feel like because it doesnt feel like water or anything, just a mist of gas. it was scary as all hell. like i was shaking.
jesse lisa and i drove around, went to paparatzi.... which was really good. then we bought random stuff at savon, like balls and silly string. saw aaron b and picked him up. inflated my tires because i had a flat. got annoyed with so many people in the car and so much talking and so much ordering around and shit. it was much better just lisa jesse and i.... not that i dont like lacey and aaron. not at all, i just got annoyed and had to go home. i just feel angry for some reason.
im just mad at the world.
leave me to myself. and carolyn. and emily, alix, beckee, and abby. i have really enjoyed doing what i have been doing. whatever that is. even if it does mean puking in a toilet bowl and drinking lotion. i dont care what anyone says about my good friends. i know they love me and thats all that matters. carolyn wouldnt come over so much when i was grounded. emily wouldnt act like my mother and laugh at my jokes. beckee wouldnt drive around with me and spend time with me. abby wouldnt read me poetry and cry on my shoulder. all my friends-- not just the ones i listed here love me and i am thankful for that.
jesse and lisa--- i had a very good time alone with you two tonight. thanks for trying to do what you did for me, if you know what im saying..... we should do it again.
im really worried about carolyn and aaron. i can just see them becoming a lauren and greg. theres nothing wrong with lauren and greg at all but it just makes me really sad that i only see her in school anymore. she doesnt call me or carolyn anymore and i just miss her. they have all their lives to be married, but yet they choose now to act like it. i want lauren back. carolyn assures me that im important to her and that i wont lose touch with her just because she has aaron. i hope shes right. its funny cuz i never admired her as much as i do now until i got to know her one on one. shes an amazing girl.
the pictures on my walls remind me of the old times.
this is senior year. no more drama in our lives.
wheres meghan? god, its so funny my best friend has left be to fend for myself this year. thanks to her, i have my wings. now i just have to learn how to use them. i cant go to her anymore to worry or anything. i miss her a lot. college sucks. at least shes having a good time.
i am too. goodnight. sorry for bitching, if you actually read this.