long time no see
so my senior year is off to kind of a destructive start. yah. im already failing like half my classes.... haven't started reading anything. rather be crazy than pay attention.... all my teachers hate me. college apps are becoming a joke.
i suppose the only good thing is that i quit smoking. but even that is a joke because i feel like i had a whole pack last night. i only quit when im by myslef.... which solves the weekday problem.
i feel a lot of people slipping away from me. i feel a lot of people being turned off by me. i feel myself walking away from people i like because im confused. for the first time in my life im not so sure about my sexuality anymore. i mean, i know i dont like girls sexually, and i know im attracted to guys. but getting close to them (emotionally) just makes me not want to. when im drunk is the only time i really want to be with a guy. other than that, the ones here just make me sick. just because its a fucking game. just becuase ive provided counseling for another one of matt card's dissapointments. just because no one is doing anything but getting hurt.
i feel bad, i avoid phone calls. i get annoyed. i really dont feel any emotion in particular. i just dont want to be around anyone who ha the capacity to hurt me or for me to hurt them. second thoughts arise when i think of kansas city matt. he seemed like just the right guy, but when i think about it some more, hes probably just like the rest of them. alpharetta emily told me i needed a hookup in every state. im just so fucking sick of men.
its a teenage wasteland. it certainly is. this weekend i have wasted myself, embaressed myself, made myself sick, bored myself.... just really bad times.
i feel like my personality can be a turn off. i used to think that loud, obnoxious jack was the cool person everyone liked. and why not? but it just doesnt seem like it anymore. my friends are starting to get annoyed with the usual jack.... even friends of mine i dont like. for the first time this weekend i walked away knowing i didnt provide a good time for everyone.
thursday night i went out with beckee, abby, alix, and emily to god knows where. we all changed our voicemails and stuff. drove to rochester, went off-roading. the feeling of just being with them, even if we were doing nothing was great. i decided to quit smoking.
friday carolyn and i went out and came back to my house. she bought a pair of hard tails, i bought a von dutch hat. we then brought dinner home to my mom and dad and ate and talked. they like carolyn more than they like me. they told me that she is always cool to like live with us. okay? then carolyn and i went on a shopping spree at moosejaw. she bought a backpack. i bought a new north face jacket and a patagonia fleece. then we just drove my car (which is so nice to have back btw) and then met up with john from grosse pointe and these other kids. one was extremely hott, but lived in warren and went to college and the other one was downright nasty. i felt like he was straight out of some kind of xy personal. and i hate those people. like just one of those personals coming to life. anyways we hung out with carolyn. we watched people. then we dropped carolyn off and drove to royal oak and met this 28 year old guy who was really creepy. nuff said, went home.
saturday was crazy too. i worked, went out with my parents and shit. i went to the mall and bought a shirt and then beckee called me up. i met her at our house and we decided we wanted to get shit faced. we asked her brother to buy us alchy, he said no. so we ended up driving to 9 mile and greenfield to meet captain ron, who drove us to 12 mile and greenfield, and we bought a fifth each of malibu and smirnoff raspberry twist. beckee and i drove home after what was a pretty exciting adventure, bad neighborhood and all. we drank about 3/4 of the raspberry twist and called everyone we knew. kim, her older sister, drove me home.
sunday was amazing, but so stupid. i went over to beckee's at like 3 while emily and alix were still there. beckee and i wanted to go to the state fair, no one else did. alix and emily left. beckee and i drove around and ended up at kroger where we bought whipped cream and eggs. the eggs were not used at all. the whipped cream was used for whippets. which was amazing/dumb of me. with whippets, you go braindead for like 10 seconds and its just a whole body orgasm. its so amazing. but it also deprives your brain of oxygen which is extremely dumb. beckee and i spent the rest of the day stalking people and decided to stop when one guy called the police. went home for dinner and went back to beckee's. beckee and i drove to meijer to buy more whippets and an air freshener. we drove back to beckee's and chilled with alix and emily. we decided not to egg, so instead we drank. i dont know how much i drank, but i was wasted as all hell. i remember:
singing various rendetions of oops i did it again with lyrics relevant to our lives
making out with abby fisher
jumping on jessie brooks
dressing in beckees clothes and eating lotion
putting my pants on inside out and eating cat food
throwing up
kim driving me home
it was a crazy night, but it was also fun. the thought of any more alcohol repulses me.
well kids, until next time
jack
i suppose the only good thing is that i quit smoking. but even that is a joke because i feel like i had a whole pack last night. i only quit when im by myslef.... which solves the weekday problem.
i feel a lot of people slipping away from me. i feel a lot of people being turned off by me. i feel myself walking away from people i like because im confused. for the first time in my life im not so sure about my sexuality anymore. i mean, i know i dont like girls sexually, and i know im attracted to guys. but getting close to them (emotionally) just makes me not want to. when im drunk is the only time i really want to be with a guy. other than that, the ones here just make me sick. just because its a fucking game. just becuase ive provided counseling for another one of matt card's dissapointments. just because no one is doing anything but getting hurt.
i feel bad, i avoid phone calls. i get annoyed. i really dont feel any emotion in particular. i just dont want to be around anyone who ha the capacity to hurt me or for me to hurt them. second thoughts arise when i think of kansas city matt. he seemed like just the right guy, but when i think about it some more, hes probably just like the rest of them. alpharetta emily told me i needed a hookup in every state. im just so fucking sick of men.
its a teenage wasteland. it certainly is. this weekend i have wasted myself, embaressed myself, made myself sick, bored myself.... just really bad times.
i feel like my personality can be a turn off. i used to think that loud, obnoxious jack was the cool person everyone liked. and why not? but it just doesnt seem like it anymore. my friends are starting to get annoyed with the usual jack.... even friends of mine i dont like. for the first time this weekend i walked away knowing i didnt provide a good time for everyone.
thursday night i went out with beckee, abby, alix, and emily to god knows where. we all changed our voicemails and stuff. drove to rochester, went off-roading. the feeling of just being with them, even if we were doing nothing was great. i decided to quit smoking.
friday carolyn and i went out and came back to my house. she bought a pair of hard tails, i bought a von dutch hat. we then brought dinner home to my mom and dad and ate and talked. they like carolyn more than they like me. they told me that she is always cool to like live with us. okay? then carolyn and i went on a shopping spree at moosejaw. she bought a backpack. i bought a new north face jacket and a patagonia fleece. then we just drove my car (which is so nice to have back btw) and then met up with john from grosse pointe and these other kids. one was extremely hott, but lived in warren and went to college and the other one was downright nasty. i felt like he was straight out of some kind of xy personal. and i hate those people. like just one of those personals coming to life. anyways we hung out with carolyn. we watched people. then we dropped carolyn off and drove to royal oak and met this 28 year old guy who was really creepy. nuff said, went home.
saturday was crazy too. i worked, went out with my parents and shit. i went to the mall and bought a shirt and then beckee called me up. i met her at our house and we decided we wanted to get shit faced. we asked her brother to buy us alchy, he said no. so we ended up driving to 9 mile and greenfield to meet captain ron, who drove us to 12 mile and greenfield, and we bought a fifth each of malibu and smirnoff raspberry twist. beckee and i drove home after what was a pretty exciting adventure, bad neighborhood and all. we drank about 3/4 of the raspberry twist and called everyone we knew. kim, her older sister, drove me home.
sunday was amazing, but so stupid. i went over to beckee's at like 3 while emily and alix were still there. beckee and i wanted to go to the state fair, no one else did. alix and emily left. beckee and i drove around and ended up at kroger where we bought whipped cream and eggs. the eggs were not used at all. the whipped cream was used for whippets. which was amazing/dumb of me. with whippets, you go braindead for like 10 seconds and its just a whole body orgasm. its so amazing. but it also deprives your brain of oxygen which is extremely dumb. beckee and i spent the rest of the day stalking people and decided to stop when one guy called the police. went home for dinner and went back to beckee's. beckee and i drove to meijer to buy more whippets and an air freshener. we drove back to beckee's and chilled with alix and emily. we decided not to egg, so instead we drank. i dont know how much i drank, but i was wasted as all hell. i remember:
singing various rendetions of oops i did it again with lyrics relevant to our lives
making out with abby fisher
jumping on jessie brooks
dressing in beckees clothes and eating lotion
putting my pants on inside out and eating cat food
throwing up
kim driving me home
it was a crazy night, but it was also fun. the thought of any more alcohol repulses me.
well kids, until next time
jack