college applications and whipped cream
me oh my. it seems everytime i go out i am just remided of what a stupid, bad person i am and how something is missing. always. something is missing.
we tried a menage a trois last night for the first time in months and basically it failed.
at the end of the night
jack: "it will never be the same again, will it?"
lauren: "no, it wont. i lost my hyperness. we've all grown up."
i realized what it was. i fail to provide a good time for anyone anymore. i used to be the main provider of good times for everyone and now i can barely squeeze out a laugh. its pathetic. it seemed like last night was full of recalling good times we all made together, but none of those good times being made.
"hey, remember that one time we went to ia, stole a chair, danced on my hood, drove all around, went to nick's and egged the shit out of it?"
is nothing like:
"hey, remember that one time we went to that brother rice party and peter bookmeyer said hi to me and i chainsmoked four cigarettes just to avoid being gay?"
it was a fun night. in its own right. it would be more fun if i was getting on rice guys like lauren and carolyn do.... and half of seaholm.
maybe the fun times i had with lauren and carolyn can now only be had with emily, alix, beckee, and the crew.
old times will never come again. and thats sad. but thats not a bad thing. i realized what a great person carolyn is. i realized shes one of my best best friends.
the night started out with me going to my cleaning lady's lithuanian wedding shower. it was like a little bit of eastern europe/western russia right here in michigan. it was funny. but i was with my parents.
drove to meet carolyn and lauren. somehow when carolyn found out i had a cigarette on my way to lauren's house, i felt worse when she told me its my own life than when she would yell and bitch at me for smoking. like someone who cares. i know she does.
we went to kroger, bought supplies. lauren decided against doing whippets, i did some. we got aaron, we drove and did some damage. we went to a random brother rice party. that was fun. and random.
lauren: "DONT BE GAY so we can actually hang out with these people again."
jack: "okay...." [whips out cigarette]
sat there and smoked a lot until we left.
drove through uptown and saw marc and evan and keith.
i have a little crush on keith. i dont care who knows. we were standing there in kilwins and he started talking to me and theres some magic going on in his eyes, its a glow or something. i back away from it. i know even if he didnt have a boyfriend, the competition would drive me away even before i got to gasp a word to him. i give up trying because i know the minute i start to care about something; someone; the minute i have the desire to have something, my mind will be occupied on that one thing until i get it. like a land rover discovery. i settled for a freelander. good analogy? okay then.
i think i may miss marc.
took carolyn home. took lauren home.
ended up in popleton park alone with lauren's undone whippets at 11:30. turn the lights off, turn dj sammy's california dreaming all the way up, close my eyes, do both whippets without exhaling once. looking at the lights flying down woodward and the trees and the warm and secure enclosure of my car with techno music blaring, my life flashed before my eyes. it was an an amazing feeling. everything floating from my little preschool desk to my car accident flashed before me. it was nice. after the high wore off, i sat outside of my car until 12:15 smoking and thinking and listening to the radio. then deborah bonner and her friend showed up and i figured they needed some privacy, so i went home after visiting george.
it will never be the same.
we tried a menage a trois last night for the first time in months and basically it failed.
at the end of the night
jack: "it will never be the same again, will it?"
lauren: "no, it wont. i lost my hyperness. we've all grown up."
i realized what it was. i fail to provide a good time for anyone anymore. i used to be the main provider of good times for everyone and now i can barely squeeze out a laugh. its pathetic. it seemed like last night was full of recalling good times we all made together, but none of those good times being made.
"hey, remember that one time we went to ia, stole a chair, danced on my hood, drove all around, went to nick's and egged the shit out of it?"
is nothing like:
"hey, remember that one time we went to that brother rice party and peter bookmeyer said hi to me and i chainsmoked four cigarettes just to avoid being gay?"
it was a fun night. in its own right. it would be more fun if i was getting on rice guys like lauren and carolyn do.... and half of seaholm.
maybe the fun times i had with lauren and carolyn can now only be had with emily, alix, beckee, and the crew.
old times will never come again. and thats sad. but thats not a bad thing. i realized what a great person carolyn is. i realized shes one of my best best friends.
the night started out with me going to my cleaning lady's lithuanian wedding shower. it was like a little bit of eastern europe/western russia right here in michigan. it was funny. but i was with my parents.
drove to meet carolyn and lauren. somehow when carolyn found out i had a cigarette on my way to lauren's house, i felt worse when she told me its my own life than when she would yell and bitch at me for smoking. like someone who cares. i know she does.
we went to kroger, bought supplies. lauren decided against doing whippets, i did some. we got aaron, we drove and did some damage. we went to a random brother rice party. that was fun. and random.
lauren: "DONT BE GAY so we can actually hang out with these people again."
jack: "okay...." [whips out cigarette]
sat there and smoked a lot until we left.
drove through uptown and saw marc and evan and keith.
i have a little crush on keith. i dont care who knows. we were standing there in kilwins and he started talking to me and theres some magic going on in his eyes, its a glow or something. i back away from it. i know even if he didnt have a boyfriend, the competition would drive me away even before i got to gasp a word to him. i give up trying because i know the minute i start to care about something; someone; the minute i have the desire to have something, my mind will be occupied on that one thing until i get it. like a land rover discovery. i settled for a freelander. good analogy? okay then.
i think i may miss marc.
took carolyn home. took lauren home.
ended up in popleton park alone with lauren's undone whippets at 11:30. turn the lights off, turn dj sammy's california dreaming all the way up, close my eyes, do both whippets without exhaling once. looking at the lights flying down woodward and the trees and the warm and secure enclosure of my car with techno music blaring, my life flashed before my eyes. it was an an amazing feeling. everything floating from my little preschool desk to my car accident flashed before me. it was nice. after the high wore off, i sat outside of my car until 12:15 smoking and thinking and listening to the radio. then deborah bonner and her friend showed up and i figured they needed some privacy, so i went home after visiting george.
it will never be the same.