maybe i need therapy
so recently i have been feeling a bit down and a bit lost. as if i don't really know who i am,which is not really something i have ever struggled with before. --i think it comes from a place of feeling as if i keep trying to figure things out, but am given very little to work with to understand things. and it frustrates me to not understand things and i want to understand... but i don't?
yesterday i hung out with kim for the first time in a while. i think she was frustrated with me because we had been hanging out with jason every time for the last few times, and jason is a bit harder to hang out with in a group setting. even though i think he is adjusting and growing more comfortable.
but anyway i think things are okay now and we hung out and had some chili cheese fries and i talked to her about how ive been feeling. and it kind of clarified a few things for me.
for example, it clarified to me what i am responsible for and what i am not responsible. my actions are not linked to another's actions, and i can't make people do things that they don't want to do or feel like doing.
i want to just relax and not try so hard for any kind of goal. just accept things as are and not need to figure every little thing out.
i feel all my reading as a kid and all the media that i binge has given me a sort of entitlement to "knowing what's going on" and "understanding the situation" or "seeing the reality of things". but that is the comfort and the glory of entertainment. a lot of times there is a breakdown of what happened. we get to see what characters think. the interactions that they have. we are given the story and thus given much more understanding of a situation than we ever receive in reality.
and i need to separate reality from fantasy. in reality we don't always get answers. we may never hear the other side of things. and we just won't know. so to soothe/comfort myself i'm going to focus on writing my story, because that is a world where i DO know everything and DO know exactly why things happen and what my characters are thinking and feeling.
i'm feeling free now.
jason's birthday is on monday and it's going to be raining so we might go to the mall and see a movie :D i want to show off my ddr skills to him at round 1, if they still have ddr (T___T) and also since we started hanging out i have promised to introduce him to krispy kreme donuts.
i might ask for my second shift on tuesday off so that i can hang out with jason as well, since he is transferring to another branch soon and wants to use up his PTO (or, according to him, TOP? time off paid?).
his sister visited tonight from tennessee which was very nice. i have always felt a bit uneasy about her and unsure, like i worry she will think i'm not good for jason or have something against me. i feel the same nervousness from his mother as well because i know that jason's family is very important to him. so i want to make a good impression, but because they are on the introverted side it's hard for me to read them.
but the visit went well i got only warm vibes which was reassuring. she invited us to go visit her and i think we should take a trip there. when we went to illinois it was very stressful but at the end of the trip i think we found a good way of communicating with each other and it was quite nice.
jason's playing video games now and i find it hard to sleep when he's playing but i'm going to try. i suggested to kim we do like a weekly movie night thing, like we used to with pranay and kiem. so jason can have time to play apex legend with his cousin lol.
today we did a lot but it was a bit tiring. maybe i will write tomorrow again to remember what we did haha.
yesterday i hung out with kim for the first time in a while. i think she was frustrated with me because we had been hanging out with jason every time for the last few times, and jason is a bit harder to hang out with in a group setting. even though i think he is adjusting and growing more comfortable.
but anyway i think things are okay now and we hung out and had some chili cheese fries and i talked to her about how ive been feeling. and it kind of clarified a few things for me.
for example, it clarified to me what i am responsible for and what i am not responsible. my actions are not linked to another's actions, and i can't make people do things that they don't want to do or feel like doing.
i want to just relax and not try so hard for any kind of goal. just accept things as are and not need to figure every little thing out.
i feel all my reading as a kid and all the media that i binge has given me a sort of entitlement to "knowing what's going on" and "understanding the situation" or "seeing the reality of things". but that is the comfort and the glory of entertainment. a lot of times there is a breakdown of what happened. we get to see what characters think. the interactions that they have. we are given the story and thus given much more understanding of a situation than we ever receive in reality.
and i need to separate reality from fantasy. in reality we don't always get answers. we may never hear the other side of things. and we just won't know. so to soothe/comfort myself i'm going to focus on writing my story, because that is a world where i DO know everything and DO know exactly why things happen and what my characters are thinking and feeling.
i'm feeling free now.
jason's birthday is on monday and it's going to be raining so we might go to the mall and see a movie :D i want to show off my ddr skills to him at round 1, if they still have ddr (T___T) and also since we started hanging out i have promised to introduce him to krispy kreme donuts.
i might ask for my second shift on tuesday off so that i can hang out with jason as well, since he is transferring to another branch soon and wants to use up his PTO (or, according to him, TOP? time off paid?).
his sister visited tonight from tennessee which was very nice. i have always felt a bit uneasy about her and unsure, like i worry she will think i'm not good for jason or have something against me. i feel the same nervousness from his mother as well because i know that jason's family is very important to him. so i want to make a good impression, but because they are on the introverted side it's hard for me to read them.
but the visit went well i got only warm vibes which was reassuring. she invited us to go visit her and i think we should take a trip there. when we went to illinois it was very stressful but at the end of the trip i think we found a good way of communicating with each other and it was quite nice.
jason's playing video games now and i find it hard to sleep when he's playing but i'm going to try. i suggested to kim we do like a weekly movie night thing, like we used to with pranay and kiem. so jason can have time to play apex legend with his cousin lol.
today we did a lot but it was a bit tiring. maybe i will write tomorrow again to remember what we did haha.