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[ixarms_reloadxi]

Today started out okay, but then I logged on to the journal system, went to the home page, and checked to see if any birthdays were rolling around...

And HIS name was at the bottom. As if I needed any more reminders. Seeing the 24th still marked on the calendar for the one year anniversary of our engagement is bad enough. If Larxene hadn't

Comments

[blackstar_key]

Come right over here and I'll kick your ass. Seriously. My boot, your ass, we'll have a party :P

But yeah, dude, you've got issues. You can't handle being happy and you can't handle being sad. And I agree with the fool: talk to Larxene. If you want to make her an equal partner in your life, that's what you have to do. Or else you may as well take a time out and try and get your head round it on your own. I'd recommend drawing on the strengths of those around you and leaning on them. I know what losing someone you love is like; it's horrible and it'll never leave you, but trust me, you don't want to try and shoulder this pain alone, like you're currently doing.

I did that, and look at where I am. I'm a criminal with DPD and a list longer than my arm of people I've killed for no good reason. Think about what you're doing and share the burden. It'll help, I promise.

And this shit isn't easy because you're over-complicating it with YOUR EMO!

[ixarms_reloadxi]

Not in the mood. Demyx offered me goodies, though. I might come get them.

I just don't want to upset her with all of this. I don't want her to misinterpret it. You know how female minds work- "I miss him" could turn into "You're not living up to what he did, you're a horrible replacement" in seconds, and I don't want it to go that way.

I could use her arms and her soft chest right now so bad... I'll talk to her in a little bit. Right now, I'm just in the mood to be somewhat alone. I'm in the middle of a session with Doctor Jack Daniels. I'll let her get the little ones down, then I'll go bother her.

Riku, it's been a year. Almost a year. Why the hell am I not over this yet? Why the fuck am I not over him yet? When does the guilt leave?

[blackstar_key]

Beer and painkillers? Remind me to kick his ass instead. Then kick yours. You earned it

[ixarms_reloadxi]

Well, it's either I get them from him, or I go out and get them from someone on the street. I'm out of my own, and I can't get anymore. No one will up the dose of someone that's overdosed four times in three months

[blackstar_key]

You know what? I don't think I know who you are anymore.

It breaks me to see you like this, but I can't sit around and watch someone I care about destroy himself. Call me when Xigbar re-inhabits your body, okay? Tell him I miss him. A lot.

[ixarms_reloadxi]

... fine. Leave. And take everyone with you. They're going that way, anyway.

And I guess there's no way of making you reconsider. Please stay. I don't know what to do, Riku. I don't know where to turn with this, and it's destroying the ones I love the most.

I'm tired of it.

What do I do?

[blackstar_key]

We're only heading that way because you're pushing us there at high speed. Get off my fucking back.

I can't fight you anymore. You don't want me to try and help you; you won't listen to me, you don't care about anyone but yourself and your own sadness and you have no idea how to cope but won't let anyone help you get through this

[ixarms_reloadxi]

I'm asking for help now, aren't I? I'm that fucking desperate to be over and done with this shit. I know what's at stake, okay? I know what's teetering on the edge of a knife. I don't want to lose her. If I'm this fucked up over one loved one, what the hell am I going to do if she goes, too?

God, Larxene... Can you do me a favor, Riku? Call her and tell her to come take this stuff from me? She's not answering when I call, and if I stand up, it's likely I'm gonna fall over.

... I fucking hate me.

[blackstar_key]

And it only took you how many pills, units of alcohol and time to ask for help?

What, like you think she'll do it? Bitch is steamed. You should know how she gets when she goes off on one...

Don't worry, I fucking hate you too. And I'm pretty sure other people fucking hate you, as well. You're currently disliked, but you're around same-minded folk. It's all good company.

[ixarms_reloadxi]

Actually, it took a drug-induced dream, and almost falling off the balcony. And your words helped a little. Hunter's helped a lot, too.

Well, goddamn, I hope she does SOMETHING. She's always bitching about how she wants me to let her help, well here's her fucking chance.

Fuck, I'm getting pissed at the wrong people. It's not her fault. Not her fault at all.

Nope, can't stand. Fuck.